I am gradually losing faith in pakistani men. It seems that most of them are abusive and not chivalrious. When I was little, I always had the impression that I’d be marrying a nice man who was respectful - and in turn, I’d respect him as well. After a whole slew of rishtas, I am getting the impression that most pakistani men are abusive on the inside, and show their true colours after the marriage. What can I do to screen for men like that? I am so scared of ending up in an abusive relationship.
I am not sure if there is a sure shot, short cut to find out about the guy, but in general observe his family (especially dad), and his relationship with his family. Meet our shear at least communicate with couple if his friends over the phone. Become his Facebook friends and observe his replies in politically charged threads.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
Just get to know him..
I think a lot of guys are different around their families and friends than they are with women for ex some of the nastiest or most chauvinistic guys are absolute angels to their own mums.. I've come across quite a few who don't seem to have much respect for women in general but sit there and say 'Jannah is under the feet of the mother' and would never dream of raising their voice to their own mothers..
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
treat your wife as sweetly as you would treat your mother and the same rule for girls. I wish there was a saying like that somewhere. Is it too much to ask.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
@Deeba. Tujhe bara pata hai...
Tereliye..there is no exact answer to your question yo. You need to find that out yourself. In some cases..you cannot tell if someone is abusive..be it man or woman.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
when I saw a guy call a girl that he was with a "f--king idiot" when he came 1 hour early to her house instead of the time he said and she didn't read his text to her soon enough. My friend and I were working on some things for a party that she was planning in the other room so we didn't hear the doorbell ring. This girl looked upset, she was crying, I would be too..scared stiff. But he begged for her forgiveness afterwards and she forgave him. I'm not sure whether I would forgive so quickly but then again he said he was in love with her. I guess it is forgivable. When does it become unforgivable? After the sixth or seventh time or is there a magic number because even the first time would leave scars for me.
The women of the olden times took all kinds of abuse to hold the bond of marriage together, they were a lot more thick skinned than us back then or were people much more respectful back then? Or am i just overly sensitive when I see something like that and I get scared of someone insulting me and not being able to forgive them.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
i'm NOT Pakistani so i can't say.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
It is not specific to Pakistani men. It has nothing to do with nationality or ethnicity but how men see nonfamily women.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
It is not specific to Pakistani men. It has nothing to do with nationality or ethnicity but how men see nonfamily women.
of couse not.
i said that because the OP specifically asked about Pakistani men.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
First you made it sound like you are smart and have all figured it out.
Then asked question as a naive person, how to screen them.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
How have you come to the conclusion that most Pakistani men are abusive? Physically abusive? Describe.
Secondly, an abusive nature of someone has nothing to do with their nationality or ethnicity. You may find an abusive non desi man. Unfortunately, sometimes you just don't know if someone is abusive until you start to live with them.
Don't lose hope. Try giving someone a chance. Sometimes there can be certain clues that may indicate if someone has a violent nature.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
^ You are wrong. According to the smart OP most Pakistani men are violent and abusive and perhaps beat their wives after dinner and before breakfast. :D
My question is: Why even bother asking when 'she' already believes most Pakistani men are abusive??
Just so people can search this on internet and learn 'her' pearls of wisdom? ;)
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
I am gradually losing faith in pakistani men. It seems that most of them are abusive and not chivalrious. When I was little, I always had the impression that I'd be marrying a nice man who was respectful - and in turn, I'd respect him as well. After a whole slew of rishtas, I am getting the impression that most pakistani men are abusive on the inside, and show their true colours after the marriage. What can I do to screen for men like that? I am so scared of ending up in an abusive relationship.
I find your post to be strange. First of all, the slew of rishtas you have entertained do not represent Pakistani men on the whole. According to you they show their true colors after marriage, but somehow you have managed to see their true colors way before then. What behaviors have you witnessed from these slew of rishtas that indicate a proclivity for abuse? Since you have not elaborated with examples of abusive behavior, your post is vague. Provide examples. Other than that, look at guy's actions to see if they match his words and claims, look at what his behavior is usually like and how he treats women outside his immediate family, observe how he behaves during and after conflicts, get an opinion from others.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
did you miss the…“it seems” part of the first sentence you bolded?
and even then, what a ridiculous comment, what does that have to do with anything?
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
Did you read the post by OP and Tempe5T before posting yours?
The conclusion was given in the guise of “it seems” but the reasons were made as if it is true.
How on earth she found out all those men changed after getting married???
I mean she says she only went through the rishta process not married them all!
Bogus claims, silly question.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
observe his replies in politically charged threads.
That would make it tough for PTI and PMLN supporters :D
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
OP, give us some examples of abusiveness of Pakistani men you have experienced.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
I find your post to be strange. First of all, the slew of rishtas you have entertained do not represent Pakistani men on the whole. According to you they show their true colors after marriage, but somehow you have managed to see their true colors way before then. What behaviors have you witnessed from these slew of rishtas that indicate a proclivity for abuse? Since you have not elaborated with examples of abusive behavior, your post is vague. Provide examples. Other than that, look at guy's actions to see if they match his words and claims, look at what his behavior is usually like and how he treats women outside his immediate family, observe how he behaves during and after conflicts, get an opinion from others.
I don't think that is a good indicator because there are people that have a private them and a public them. There was a man that I knew that was abusive within the home with his wife but in public you would never think that he was like that. That's why I say that some people are really good at hiding their true nature in public. So it is true that until you actually live with the person for a while you will not know that he/she has an abusive nature.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
their left eye twitches when they speak..
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
Tough one. Just do istikhara before you and your family agree to the rishta in general. Trust Allah to guide you towards the right man. Don't just say yes and prepare for the marriage. Take your time to get to know the guy. Check his controlling and possessive behavior. Somewhat possessiveness is natural in men, but you yourself have to know where to draw the line, or how much of it would be unhealthy for the relationship to later be able to provoke his anger. But that doesn't mean discuss other guys with him. Because obviously anyone would be insecure in these matters. Plus, some of these men later create issues on the past of their wives. Simply spend lots of time with friends and monitor his jealousy and insecurity levels at that point. Again, a certain degree is** healthy.**