Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
its a hit and trial.really.. try to judge a little by their education,what schools they went to,whether they ever studied in co ed,that makes them more understanding.notice facial expressions and cues.if a guy keeps stressing that girls ought to be treated with respect and i will do that...i think thats a bit dishonest. since if you're going to do something its part of your personality,often you might not be aware of it,you never label it.just do it.
same goes with mother in laws i think,agar kahein k meri beti hi hogi,it means bluff bluff bluff in what ive observed,again..jo cheez ap ki nature main naturally hai usay kiun stress karna bar bar.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
A few red alerts in my experience:
-if he talks about controlling the finances or making all the financial decisions
-if he talks about his role as a leader , like a poster above says, if something is part of your value system you show it, you do not need to state it in conversation. Insecure people state things that are not true about themselves.
-if they mention that the way their mother or sister should be treated is at a totally different pedestal of respect. You'd be the mother of his child, he better not be putting you beneath the "jannat" of his mom's feet. You don't belong underneath anyone's feet and a MIL's mistreatment of her DIL is not her right, it's damn abuse. So talk to him about scenarios of your friends who might have rough times with their MIL's and note his reaction.
-ask him his opinion on haq mehr, and whether he plans on giving it upfront. A man that can't uphold Rights to his wife that are commanded by God, rather than you, is probably not gonna give you any of your other God given rights either.
-ask how he would like to manage your wealth. He wants to make decisions on it, invest it with his money, combine it with his and then support his family and not yours ? Beeeeep, game over. As an excercise make him write out a budget for the month and see if he has the balls to tell you that your money would remain untouched.
-tell him you don't believe in jähez and won't be bringing in a washer/dryer, bedroom furniture, plasma TV etc and see his reaction.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
I am gradually losing faith in pakistani men. It seems that most of them are abusive and not chivalrious. When I was little, I always had the impression that I'd be marrying a nice man who was respectful - and in turn, I'd respect him as well. After a whole slew of rishtas, I am getting the impression that most pakistani men are abusive on the inside, and show their true colours after the marriage. What can I do to screen for men like that? I am so scared of ending up in an abusive relationship.
Most Pakistani men with the exception of your dad and brother(s). Right? And how many of these Pakistani men have you sampled? How did you find out what they'd be like after the marriage? Was it like you took them all for a test drive or something, to see if everything works?
But hey if I keep hearing it so often, then it must be true. We must all be pigs. If everyone keeps calling you a horse, then its time to go buy a saddle. So there you have it, if they are Pakistani, they are abusive. But why Pakistani men? Trust me, Its a noble gesture to even consider blessing our pathetic existence with matrimony. Even a typical inconsiderate Pakistani man like me can appreciate what you are trying to do. But you don't really have to do it. We clearly don't deserve someone like you. I am sure there is some ethnicity of men out there who would fit the bill. Go out there and find them.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
Instead of reacting to this gentleman, why not step back, listen to what the girls are saying are total turn offs for them and be GOOD to the opposite sex by watching your behavior so you don't turn into one of the dudes that often gets gossiped about on this forum.
Most men and their behaviors discussed here are nothing that any reasonable person should aspire to!
Besides most of you guys get scared when looking for your sisters. There is a reason. You KNOW there are rotten apples out there. So no need to mock girls who post their frustrations here. If all Pakistani men had it right, you wouldn't see so many unhappy life1 stories.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
The girl who started this thread has offered no details on abusive or non-chivalrous behavior she's encountered. Nope, not all Pakistani men have it right and all the life 1 horror stories don't represent all marriages out there because people usually don't open threads on the good things in their marriage, they will only vent about the bad. And we've no shortage of stories of unreasonable women who don't appear ready for marriage and those who haven't grown up post marriage and kids.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
A few red alerts in my experience:
-if he talks about controlling the finances or making all the financial decisions
-if he talks about his role as a leader , like a poster above says, if something is part of your value system you show it, you do not need to state it in conversation. Insecure people state things that are not true about themselves.
-if they mention that the way their mother or sister should be treated is at a totally different pedestal of respect. You'd be the mother of his child, he better not be putting you beneath the "jannat" of his mom's feet. You don't belong underneath anyone's feet and a MIL's mistreatment of her DIL is not her right, it's damn abuse. So talk to him about scenarios of your friends who might have rough times with their MIL's and note his reaction.
-ask him his opinion on haq mehr, and whether he plans on giving it upfront. A man that can't uphold Rights to his wife that are commanded by God, rather than you, is probably not gonna give you any of your other God given rights either.
-ask how he would like to manage your wealth. He wants to make decisions on it, invest it with his money, combine it with his and then support his family and not yours ? Beeeeep, game over. As an excercise make him write out a budget for the month and see if he has the balls to tell you that your money would remain untouched.
-tell him you don't believe in jähez and won't be bringing in a washer/dryer, bedroom furniture, plasma TV etc and see his reaction.
In your experience? What like guys who answered 5 out of 6 questions with a yes on your wife beater screening test, turned out to be abusive after you married them?
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
^ You are wrong. According to the smart OP most Pakistani men are violent and abusive and perhaps beat their wives after dinner and before breakfast. :D
so this means OP hasn't heard about the famous term in Pakistan that is used by most married men " Biwi ka danda" . if she hears this then may be it would SEEM to her that all Pakistani women are abusive :D;)
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
I doubt theres any quick way to find out if the guy is abusive or not..
a lot of people I know believe in asking around, no one is going to say upfront that no hes got a temper. no one does that unless its something majorly big..
so spend time with him, see his general views. how he talks about others.. female, friends.. life. it says a lot if you think about it.
some men think of women as possession items, some view them as a friend, partner..someone with equal level of intellect and respect.
its also how they've been bought up.. they say "A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he has been raised by a queen.”
atleast that's what I have seen and observed.
This however takes a lot of time to find out so be patient and do not get emotionally vested into someone too soon.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
so this means OP hasn't heard about the famous term in Pakistan that is used by most married men " Biwi ka danda" . if she hears this then may be it would SEEM to her that all Pakistani women are abusive :D;)
lol
While we are posting, is OP busy checking out another Pakistani man despite 'her' so awesome research? ;)
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
Maybe because you ladies don't know how to recognize a 'nice man'. The nice man always ends up getting friendzoned and then we have these kinda posts, where women complain about abusive men........
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
I am gradually losing faith in pakistani men. It seems that most of them are abusive and not chivalrious. When I was little, I always had the impression that I'd be marrying a nice man who was respectful - and in turn, I'd respect him as well. After a whole slew of rishtas, I am getting the impression that most pakistani men are abusive on the inside, and show their true colours after the marriage. What can I do to screen for men like that? I am so scared of ending up in an abusive relationship.
Massive generalisation.
You haven't married so how do you know how people are after marriage? And as far as I am aware domestic violence isn't really a Pakistani issue, it sadly happens all over the world.
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
I have been reading the above responses and as someone who has experienced domestic abuse I would say that most of the answers are not very accurate @amnatanveer : education/schooling is no judge of a person's character... my husband went to one to the best.... no THE best exclusive elite private boarding school for boys in the country, he is highly educated and considered competitive in his field.... @PCG: my haq mehr was handed over to me minutes after my nikkah was done, not that it was a huge amount but that was my decision, I don't believe in huge haq mehrs... I got married without jahez... I just brought my clothes,jewellry and presents for his family, I gave a gold set to his mother which she accepted but later retuned to me saying she doesn't think receiving such expensive gifts from bahu's family is right.............. within weeks of my marriage... thousands of dollars were transferred into an account that I managed alone....... wether I was allowed to leave the house so I could spend that money or not is another topic......... I have been working for past sometime.... my husband never inquired how much I earned and where that money went........... so there is no real criteria ... there is a good book that might provide you with some answers "why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling Men" by Lundy bancroft........there is a chapter in there that helps women identify abusive men in the courting/dating period........ hope this helps............ sorry I wasn't able to make paragraphs on my laptop, donno why.............
Re: Warning signs that a guy is abusive. How to screen potential rishtas
My Mother told me once that if a man's ego is bigger than his heart, he's no good. (same for ladies). I did an interesting summer course at uni. I discovered many things but this was a very general overview. There was a direct correlation between men who help their wives in the daily chores or are equal breadwinners, who feel equally responsible for the child's upbringing and who are good communicators were likely to less aggressive and abusive. Men who felt he was only the breadwinner, the wife was more so responsible for the child's upbringing and preferred to communicate when they felt it necessary were likely to be more abusive. However there are exceptions to every rule. So we looked geographically and Pakistan as well as India was one of the areas where men have this "worship" status to varying degrees. This culture of men are superior is apparent in Pakistan in general, this is supported by their mothers treatment of their daughter in laws, she is lowly compared to her husband. This type of thinking purports abusive behaviour. to the OP don't give up hope use your common sense and intuition to help gauge a proposal.
