My family is in the states and has been for the past 20 or so years. My parents are quite traditional, still with family values from back home. My sister came here when she was about 13-14 and grew up here in the states and got a proper college education. When it came time for marriage, several rishtas went by, and finally she settled to what was basically my parents choice. She agreed and went with it. The guy was someone my family knew from Pakistan, the guy was not educated but because she had to marry within the “bradri” according to customs, that’s what she got.
The guy was from Karachi and was a complete a*hole, manipulative type. Came to the states expecting my parents to do everything for him. He treated my sister like a slave, refused her from working, even seeing her own family as a means to blackmale my parents to get them to give him money. She went with it because she didn’t want to lose him. In her eyes he was always right and he brainwashed her to hate her own family. The marriage was always rocky but my sister just wanted it to work. She did everything for him and he would beat her as well. My parents were never aware of this because she kept it from them. Once he became a US citizen, he filed for divorce and also left his daughter and has never once attempted to contact her.
It has been ten years since her divorce and she has made my parents life a living hell. She is approaching 41 and her daughter is 16 in high school. My sister lives in my parents home, has not spoken to my mom in over ten years (literally, never even though they live under the same roof) because she blames her for all the problems in her life and for shes suffered. Even when her maternal grandmother passed away, she didn’t say a word to my mom. She refuses to take any responsibility for her actions (she is incredibly stubborn, and has the mentality that she is always right, she even told me she wants to break up her parents home as revenge). She refuses to remarry or even look for a guy as a means for punishing my parents to ensure that they will have to take care of her. She does not speak to any members of the immediate family or extended family including elders because she blames all of them for her life. She does not clean up after herself and leaves the dishes dirty and my mom has to take care of it. It has been ten years and she continues to act this way. The only person that she talks to is my dad and he gives her all the money, attention she wants, thinking that she will improve with time. He does occasionally yell at her when he can’t handle it anymore telling her what she is doing is wrong but it has no affect. She refuses to talk about the situation to anyone and if they speak to her about it, they become bad to her. I know that she has gone through a lot but it is no excuse to not take care of her own daughter and treat her family with disrespect when they tried their best to improve her situation but she hid things that would allow them to do so in fear that she will lose the guy.
Now I cant see my parents suffer anymore, they wont be around forever. They have apologized to her many many times for what happened but she can’t get past it and ignores everything. She has never taken care of herself but she is perfectly capable to get a job. Her daughter is approaching college age and will probably go off to college soon. She is being affected the most because she is the sweetest thing ever. All she wants to do is hang out with her cousins or see her aunts, uncles, etc. but her mother refuses all interaction with outside family. She even refuses her from seeing my brother and his family. Many many many people have tried talking to her but she only listens from one ear and out of the other—she ignores everything. Even her 16 year old daughter has been very frustrated and even told her mom that reality is that her parents wont be around forever and that she needs to get a job and take care of her own daughter because its her responsibility. Nevertheless she ignores it all and doesn’t respond. The ironic thing about all this is, that she spends most of her time doing religious activities at home—reading the Book, praying, educating herself on religious matters. The other times, she watches tv, uses the computer, takes her daughter to school, etc. but that’s it…for 10 years. She does not neglect her daughter. She has a handful of close friends who are also divorcees but they are all independent and taking care of their own finances, kids, working, etc.
We are really in a bind. Because she is my parent’s only daughter and they have a granddaughter to take care of, they are afraid to take any drastic measures and remove her from the house even if it would mean that she would have to start supporting herself. Please advise.