Hi everyone, I’ve been reading you all for years now…my reason for joining was basically to ask one question and i wasn’t exactly sure how…
SOme years when I was 14, I got a brain tumor that was taken out. My hair has grown back, and I look pretty normal, just maybe a little on the underweight side, but I know many girls llook like that…
During that time, it was kept very hush hush the whole thing. I know why now. But everytime a rishta comes this sort of becomes an issue, because my parents feel the need to tell them. I feel a little differnet about it, but that’s probably because of course I feel this tumor thing is haunting me forever. I’m fertile and normal and everything, so that’s not really an issue.
Financially, I’m fine. I own and take care of two resteraunts that are mashallah doing very very well so logisically i’m fine…it’s just whenever my parents tell them this…it seems to make every guy run from me far far away …and it’s like… sigh…especially because it effects me in no way today. Except I guess emotionally because guys seem to be so scared of me after they are informed of it.
Do you think it’s a necessary detail to tell potential rishtas?
I'm glad that you are well and healthy now and May Allah Mian keep you that way.
Zindagi or Maut Allah ke haath mein hai...and we as humans have no warranty as what tie would be ours to go from here. I am sure that your parents are trying to be very truthful in such a matter.What was your Prognosis from the Doctors.Did you have a benign tumor?
I would suggest that you sit down with your parents and talk with them.And the guys who just head for the hills...I say good Riddance to those kind. If the Guy wants a warranty and "just a wife" instead of a "Person who becomes his wife", then those are the kind you have to beware of.
Try to nurture your own character and concentrate on yourself.What makes you happy.What makes you complete.
Try to think about what sort of a person you would want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't think in a manner that they are the ones that need to say no as most probably they wouldn't be what you deserved.You deserve a Partner who would love you for you.
I know of a lot of couples that have gone through such issues and you know the partners dont call it quits if the other's health needs extra attention. I pray the best health for you and that you find a person who truly deserves you for who you are and not for the fear of what can happen in the future...nobody except for Allah Talleh knows that:)
if u don't tell, ofcourse they will find that out after mariage, and it can cause bigger problem.
just think of it that way, this thing is flitering out good rishta from bad rishta INSHALLAH one day a perfect guy will come who will have no problem with that.
beemari aur Shifa ALLAH ke hath mai hai...wohi jis ko chah sehat de aur beemari de.....and i think reject someone only because of this reason is tottaly stupidity....
but i think telling them truth is good thing...because if they will find out from someone else then they will keep blaming u forever...
and dont worry Rishte to asmano pe bante hain..apka rishta jahan jiske sath ban chuka hoga usay hone se koi nahi rok sake ga :)..and Insha ALLAH unhe koi problem bhi nahi hogi yeh sub sun ke :)
Salaams, I am glad to hear you are doing well now. I would suggest when you find a suitable rishta that you don't tell them until things go very far. Maybe once they have liked you and want to takes thing further they will see past it I'A..I hope things work out for you. Good luck!
i dont see the need in telling if you're completely cured.
However, if the guy ends up pursuing you and is truely interested, it'd be good to tell him. Lekin, it does not need to be broadcasted to his whole family..
I have a skin disorder, I dont have a problem discussing it... but i discussed it only with my husband and i dont believe neither of us thought it needed to be discussed with his family. It was something for him and I to deal with...
So, I dont think your parents need to be telling the guys parents of something thats not even an issue now.
I'm thinking that if **the doctors have told you that there is practically **ZERO chance of this tumor recurring......and that it's NOT hereditary.......then you should consider keeping this to yourself. When the tumor is gone and if there is no danger to you, to the guy, and to your future children......is it really even necessary? Talk to your parents about THIS POINT...and how it's affecting your rishta chances. And if they're still adamant about telling the rishtas....then talk to them about letting YOU be the one to tell the guy yourself.
When the guy's parents find out about the tumor FIRST....they are more likely to reject the rishta without even giving their son the chance to get to know you as an individual. He should be given the chance to get to know you....and during this process, YOU can explain your past to him and let him make a decision AFTER **getting to know you **AND LIKING **as an **person/individual. KWIM?
So....talk to your parents about it. Either don't tell the rishtas (if there's no future danger to you, him, and your kids).....or if your parents feel it's necessary to tell........then YOU be the one to do tell the guy. People differ in how they explain things...it can be done in a way to FREAK others out.....or it can be done in a way to calm others.
Salaams, I am glad to hear you are doing well now. I would suggest when you find a suitable rishta that you don't tell them until things go very far. Maybe once they have liked you and want to takes thing further they will see past it I'A..I hope things work out for you. Good luck!
I agree 100% let things get very far- eg. before engagement is finalized and they've gotten to know you- when you tell them. And tell your parents to tell the news tactfully. for example, after they say it, they should remind the prospective family that there's no guarantee for anyone's life, and that you are now a healthy person with no probs.
Honestly, telling people will scare them away, even the "good" ones that could eventually accept you for who you are, let them ease into it.
^ i agree with most of what you said but disagree with who should say it.
The final decision is between the guy and gal.. so whatever the issue, the gal should tell the guy personally in her own words or the guy shoudl tell the girl.
This will strenghten their bond and maybe, Inshallah, make is stronger. Parents do things their own way... its them two that will spend their life together, so let them be open with that communication right from the word go
^Agree Saddz. That's what I said as well. Sometimes you can explain your own situation better than another person....even your own parents. And it's between the guy and and the girl......let the guy get to know and like her as AN INDIVIDUAL FIRST...before she tells him. Then he can make his decision...after getting to know her. When her parents tell the guy's parents FIRST....they can reject the whole matter without even allowing their son (or themselves) the chance to get to know her.
Parents may look at it things from a different angle. Im a parent, and who knows i might end up doing the same. But I will teach my children that the decision at the end of the day is theirs, not mine or my husbands.. but theirs.
If the parents are making decisions like this from day one, then most likely they will be involving themselves in every other decision of the couples from there on onwards... not a good sign
^ Another good point, Sadzz. Marriage involves independent communication....and that can't be done when Mom and Dad are going to step in and handle all issues for you without giving you a chance to process the situation as an adult. Seeking their help and advice is fine....but complete control is not healthy.
and this applies to the thread that was opened last week in relation to the rishte walle saying they dont want their DIL working after marriage.
A lot of people said it was very noble of them to say this upfront. Really, it aint their decision. If they guy and girl like one another.. its their decision.
Anyways, it shows right from the start, how narrow minded people can be
I think you should tell the guy but only once you know they he is very interested. Also think that your parents don't need to tell his patents, but instead as others have pointed out, you should tell the guy.
Accornding to me what you and your parents are doing is what should be done. Keep it up, and Never change your decision of telling others about it, whatever others accepts or rejects.
this is the ideal case.
but you can go with other side. that is, if your hiding of your disease doesn't hurt any one then hide it.
it depends on you, but keep in mind whatever you do, you shoud not feel guilty.
Accornding to me what you and your parents are doing is what should be done. Keep it up, and Never change your decision of telling others about it, whatever others accepts or rejects.
this is the ideal case.
but you can go with other side. that is, if your hiding of your disease doesn't hurt any one then hide it.
it depends on you, but keep in mind whatever you do, you shoud not feel guilty.
she doesnt have a desease.. hence i dont think it needs to be mentioned
its not as if these rishte walle will even know what the actual issue was, hence they dont need to be informed about it so upfront. We all know how judgemental we are as a culture anyways
There are beautiful aspects of our culture, but unfortunately many of our cultural views prevent us from moving forward not only as individuals but as a desi society on the whole.
