Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Ouch, a lot of girls defending the girl. Am surprised by some of the replies saying I am controlling..guess I will need to fix that about myself if that’s how girls view my behavior.
Thanks for taking time to read my (long) original post, I’ll try to reply to some of the comments.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
I was always willing to make compromises–that’s what marriage is all about. Later in the relationship, she also told me not to hang out with some of my female friends, or go to a halloween party and some other school parties, and she told me not to consider or contact the other proposals I was getting. I never did, never once made issue about it because those other girls don’t matter to me..she mattered to me the most. I really liked her and was my girlfriend. Her comfort is my comfort, her happiness is my happiness. If she objected to something I do, I would hear her out and try to get her view point and if it was even somewhat justified I didn’t do it for her sake and her comfort. I wouldn’t view it as controlling–I’d view it normally that she wants me to herself because she values me. If done within limit, isn’t that normal feelings to have in love?
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
I don’t want to control anyone. My mindset is that guys and girls shouldnt act single when in a relationship–it’s just disrespectful to the other partner. We were committed to each other, she was my girlfriend and I was her boyfriend and we were discussing marriage. So it would be okay if my future wife is hanging out with a group of guys all the time who did not even know she was committed (she hadn’t told any of her friends about me yet)? I trusted her and never once questioned her about who she talked to today or who she hung out–guys do this and to me that’s controlling behavior. And I’m pretty sure no wife would like it if her husband was socializing with a group of women all the time and acting single while in a relationship. It’s not about jealousy (a dose of jealousy within limit is completely normal for a relationship) and neither is it about some sick need to control another person, it’s about respecting each other and each others relationship.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Exactly who is defending the girl? We’re pointing out that BOTH of them have issues.
What word would you use to describe HIM? HIS parents were involved too, he knew this was a potential wife. Yet he agreed and watched the adult video with her. And after she sent the sexual pictures to him the first time, clearly he didn’t tell her to stop. Do you really think he saw the pictures and immediately deleted him saying tauba tauba? In fact, not only did he not tell her to stop sending those types of pictures, he CONTINUED talking to her and still considered her as a future wife!
So I ask again…what word would you use to describe him? After all, a girl can’t become a hussy or the “S” word without guys cooperating with her. It takes two to tango.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
You being a Ivy League doctor, I’m not sure why this is such a difficult concept for you. She was NOT your wife. She was not even your fiancé! You can call her whatever you want but clearly, she did not see you as her “boyfriend”. You may have been discussing marriage but even the baat pakki between the families never happened. She acted single b/c she was single! Moving forward, you need to keep in mind that in arranged marriages, there is to commitment until a formal baat pakki has taken place between the families. Until then, you are free and so is the girl.
Asking a woman to change certain things when it comes to interacting with male friends AFTER baat pakki and/or marriage = Reasonable.
Asking a woman when there is not formal commitment at all to change how she interacts with her friends, what she wears etc. = Controlling
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
OP, you seemed surprised that she didn’t want to compromise by changing for you but if she was educated and gorgeous why would she settle for someone who wants her to change when she could probably get someone who’ll accept her as she is?
A lot of girls feel they need to compromise to get a husband, obviously she’s not one of them..
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
We didn’t consider ourselves single. We became committed to each other and took on the boyfriend/girlfriend label with the intention of getting married to each other. She was officially my girlfriend, I was officially her boyfriend. I understand nothing is official until marriage but some people have a hard time adjusting even after marriage. They have certain habits and mindsets that may have been appropriate when single but inappropriate when in a committed relationship and they have a difficult time adjusting–doesnt magically happen just because a person had a huge ceremony and put their signature on a marriage license–this goes for both men and women. Relationships and marriage are a lot of hard work, and it does require a strong commitment and sacrifice and taking into account partners wishes, likes and dislikes. Some guys and girls have a very difficult time understsnding this concept and putting it into into action because guess what?? It’s NOT easy. This is why divorces are skyrocketing these days because likely one of the partners is selfishly putting their needs above the other partners wishes or needs and not willing to compromise. No one wants a divorce obviously and neither do I want to be a controlling husband or make my wife and myself miserable after marriage. So I only had a discussion with her to see how difficult would it be for her and whether she would even be willing to adjust after marriage in regard to some things that were very intrinsic to her behavior and personality that may cause misunderstandings in the future. Everyone has to adjust a bit once in a committed relationship and especially after marriage–I was always willing to adjust and sacrifice for her, I guess she didn’t feel like she could in those regards. While I am sad that it ended, I’m glad I found that out before marriage rather than waiting until after marriage to discuss these things.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
did you ever stop her when she was sending you private pics of herself to you?
cuz clearly you weren’t comfortable with it, but if you didn’t stop her from doing that, then you cannot blame her for doing it, cuz in her mind you wanted that just as much as she did.
and yes, within 3 weeks to do the above, that is a bit quick, but maybe she was that comfortable with doing that cuz she trusted you and had established that relationship already with you.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Yeah I completely agree. I think this was her mindset also–that she can get any guy so no need to adjust or sacrifice or put in the effort. It’s a very bad mindset to have though.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
you seem to have a grip on something that many married men and women don’t understand.
like many are saying…consider yourself saved from a lifetime of misery and move on with life to find someone more in keeping with your approach.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
^Agree. Whether or not OP made a request of a slew of changes in a short amount of time is another matter. He said he didn’t so fine…I’ll take his word dor it. I wouldn’t say that his “controlingness” alone led her to end the relationship. This girl doesn’t have her priorities straight. She treats everything as a big deal when it comes to her. It’s a big deal if SHE can’t socialize with a bevy of men and be the only female in that group. It’s a big deal to HER if OP dares to socialize with other females. She wants her cake and she wants to eat it as well. What’s good for the goos is also good for the gander, right? But she doesn’t see it that way. She wants the freedom to do the very same things that she wants to restrict OP from. His fault was that he should have picked his battles better…as in start slowly.
Now about the issue of dupatta…unless the dupatta is wrapped on the head or pinned to the shoulders…it is going to drop. And if the kurta is really form-fitting to begin with…then dupatta will only go so far. No, I am not trying to dismiss the importance of hayaa and modest dressing. But OP…why worry about her lack of a dupatta…when she was willing to behave in a sensual way with you via skype? And why worry about her modesty in character and apparel when you are also guilty of participating in whatever those skype activities entailed? What about your own modesty?
Yes, you dodged a bullet. I haven’t read anything about her that would justify the possibility of giving this another chance. You both were not on the same page. Whether or not she is too egotistical to learn from her mistakes is another issue…and that has no bearing on your life anymore. What matters is that you learn your own lessons from this experience…and one of them…I think …would be not to rush such an intimate attachment before a nikkah…and nothing short of that…cuz it has such a potential for problems.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Where is @PyariCgudia ???
Waiting … 
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
OP, don’t look at this relationship from a black and white lens. If you’re going to resign yourself to the thought that, “Gosh I am a thoroughly controlling person”…that’s like a black and white. Try to look at it objectively. For instance…Expecting the girl you plan on marrying to avoid socializing with a bevy of men" is not controlling…especially when she made the same request of you. Even the more liberal goray couples set such limits. Asking a girl who is addicted to FB to stop posting pics of herself…can be challenging. She’ll most likely cut back before quitting completely. Worrying about lack of dupatta when there was a greater display of lack in modesty to which u also consented…renders dupatta as a lesser issue…and puts ur own values under question too. So, rather than see yourself as totally wrong…look at it objectively…in some cases you may have been reasonable…in other cases not so much.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
First of all you are definitely a woman and people who liked your reply are also women. I Don’t agree with you sorry a cute try I would say.
And seems like to me you are saying if I slap you on the face which is also as bad of a thing as sending someone inappropriate pictures and then I tell you that we both are the same you wouldn’t mind that? Right???
You clearly don’t have any idea what is the difference between starting a nasty thing and then someone being part of it because he didn’t know that coming. Yet he let go of that and gives you more time to correct yourself with his polite attitude even gave you clues of what you might be doing wrong because he genuinely cared about you and wanted things to workout between both of you and he was even willing to forget everything.
I would like to call him a very decent educated man who really fell for a women who didn’t even know who she was and who didn’t even have any standards and then he helped her correct herself and pointed out some bad things about herself not because he was her father but just like a good person who cared for her and had feelings for her.
And for your surprise educated people don’t mind when someone corrects them of something wrong they might be doing. One more thing I would like to correct if you could bare my words. A hussy is a hussy doesn’t need someone else to make him/her that.
Any other questions?
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
You didn’t give the link to that scene. Its difficult to give an opinion without watching it.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
What you talking about?
Who said exchanging? She was the only one sending him photographs. Please read again.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Dirty jokes aside, everyone specially the one your mom warned you about has put it correct, that you two were not a good match. So dont think too much about it and let it go.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Since you’re having a hard time getting over someone you only interacted via skype/phone/FB, never met in person, did not even inform your parents about her (for the reasons only you know) despite considering her your ‘wife’, you must have made a huge blunder that made her dump you. Maybe you know it and dont want to share or maybe you dont know. Maybe she received some good advice from some mature members of her family. You should have involved some mature family member earlier on for their advice.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Oh wow…that’s for letting me know that I’m a woman! I didn’t realize there were any doubts but either way, really glad you were able to recognize that. And thank you also for the compliment. Makes me feel good to know that I can be “cute” without even thinking about it. 
Well since you so graciously volunteered…Please do explain to me what the difference is.
3 WEEKS after OP started chatting with a girl online, she asked him to watch a porn with her online. He agreed and watched the video with her. Exactly what did this guy not know was coming?
Thank you so much for clarifying this.
So a woman who asks a guy to watch porn with her and send him nude pics of herself = Hussy and the “S” word.
The guy who agrees to watch the porn with her and continues to accept those nude pics = “Decent educated man”.
You know…it really is great to see desi Muslim men able to view situations like this so objectively. I can only dream of having a son someday who thinks like this.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Double standards double standards I tell ya.