ashii, if anything, it will get worse after marriage. no therapy...no confrontation...can change the man...his problem is rooted somewhere else...the girl probably doesnt know....she will become a victim of HIS psychological issues..
**usually people dont truly understand the meaning of trauma..unless they are on the receiving end of it....
she should leave him for her sake....HE will not change.....SHE has a choice (unless by now she has been traumatized to a point where she is unable to recognize that fact)
..the sad thing is ...whoever he ends up marrying will be in same position...the problem is not with the girl...
then they end up thinking 'maybe its me' 'maybe i can fix this' .........
I did say he shouldn’t abuse… some men are strict about how some things should be. does she nag him? does she annoy him on obvious thing?.. who knows what ticks him off.. It’s not always the man’s fault :halo: I’m not justifying his calling her names but the reason he does get angry.. if he keeps his temper in control, he will be polite to her too (i hope)
ok so you talk to them about it .....the ultimate decision is in their hand...no?
Please don't get offended , if your best friend is about to commit suicide will you do nothing to save her ?
This is an emotional suicide this friend of her is about to commit. It is her duty to save this good friend of hers from committing this emotional suicide.
Time and time again as I say a broken engagement is much better then a broken marraige.
If he doesn't want to change himself, he is not going to change and this emotional /verbal abuse is only going to get worse.A person who makes the other person feel less then a human is an abuser. The charm that gets him outta trouble later are just his tactics to further control the person. She needs to either walk away or set very specific boundaries ...like what she will take from this person. There are always deal breakers in relationships and they have to decide before hand what they would be and when and where they need to put their foot down.
i said the same to her..she does hang up, it makes him more mad, he continues to ring
she said even if she were to talk to him after a couple of days it would be like that the last conv was on pause & he starts again..
he calls her stupid, dumb, retarded, spastic, bi... i was so shocked! it hurt me hearing it so God knows how she would feel...
& now i can tell shes been crying but she doesn't say anything :s
why is she still with a sick head like that? If he doesn't hit her now that will start too with the kind of attitude he has
..haha..u guyz r talkin like u know thier situation inside out..anywayyzz i find it hard to beleive that htey were not fighting before hte families got involved in this relationship(engagement or whatever)..and if they were not fighting b4 the engagemetn hten the fights must be due to seomthing that happened after the negamgent..like families getting involved?..so it might be something they can owrk out..and is the girl really that masoom..no offense but maybe she screams nad yells too?..maybe she keeps repeating stuff he doesnt like to hear nad bugging him too.. there has to be more to it than the guy is totally bad and hse totally innocent..
I have been there and now when I think back I feel I wasted my years on such a man who was not worth it. I know love can make you think otherwise but UNLESS he s committed to adress this issue before marriage, things will get worse after. Good luck.
Yeah he is going to change after marriage...Oh he will still hit the wall...the only differnce is probably her head will be in between his fist and the wall! Does she want that ...does she even deserve that? I am sure he always had a temper problem but the signs were either too small or in likelihood she ignored them. But now it seems he is comfortable enough with her to not keep his temper in check. As time goes by, he will be even less inhibited and express himself fully without care. Does she want her kids to witness all this verbal and poss. physical abuse? Does she want the kids to think it ok if dad treats mum like this? She definetly needs a boost in self-esteem. She needs to realise that its not ok to take all this...even if they love(d) one another and made lot of effort to be together. Otherwise, 10 months down the line or even 10 years (if she has the strength) you will be coming here with a story that i can quote verbatim.She is afraid to rock the boat....but I say let her rock the boat and perhaps it will become steady again. If not, then it will likely capsize and she better know how to swim! She has to confront him and tell him that he...perhaps both of them need some help to be back on track. I am sure it can work out but they have to make an effort. I wish her the best. Be there for her always as a friend.
He might be bi-polar, i do the same thing, happy than extremely angry (cussing, punching walls/doors, i start to shake with anger), than right after that, i am like why did i just do that.
well first n foremost u shud try finding out why is he angry sumthing tht she did messed up what made him go so mad... if there is a reason then yeh try finding that out first...
i find it absolutely ridiculous that a lot of people in this thread keep on saying things like "oh it's probably the girl's fault that's why he is acting this waY" and refuse to see the whole picture, which is that this man is an abusive man. abusive men do not need a reason to abuse. it is nothing that the girl did, it is all inside him, which is making him rage out like this. the original poster mentioned that the girl and guy are doing a "love" marriage. if it is infact a love marriage, then shouldn't the guy atleast TALK to the girl and express why he is mad? instead of belittling her, so that she will one day reach a point where she has no self esteem left?
Men like that are dangerous, not only to themselves but to the people around them. I bet your friend doesnt even know what tricks him off? I've a cousin, who is just like that. He can be all happy going and jolly and the next second he might have a flip over almost nothing!! Scaring I tell you. At times he will let anything pass and then there will be moments where he just goes insane suddenly .. My mum says he is one of those people who "Chahe toh haathi (elephant) guzar jaye aur wo uf tak na kare aur chahe to makhi(insect) ka rasta rok ke baith jaye .. ke tum aye kyon?" (hope it made sense ..)
I would suggest your friend NOT to marry him before he gets professional help. He might be saying "I will after the wedding" bla bla .. Seriously dont trust him ... Let him get help FIRST ..
i asked her how it started & she said he didnt like the way she argued (made no sense to me) i sed y didnt u just hang up or not answer back & she said that made him more mad- so how is she meant to win?
she said he apologised soo many times & promises he'll but he has broken it everytime & now with the wedding preps theres no way she would call it off (& a big part of her really wants it), i no its easy to call her mad but shes obv stil in love with the guy he used to be b4 he started swearing etc...
she asked me if my fiance swore at me in an argument & did it again in the next argument would i just break it off? i didnt have an answer :s
I really dont understand why a woman would want to spend her life with a man who has little or no respect for her!! It just points to the fact that she either has no respect for herself...or she is used to it. No self respecting woman would be ok with it. Tell her to get out while she can. Do you know how damaging this will be for the children to see their mother being treated like this by their father..?? She needs to think about the FUTURE...after all we all get ONE chance to this little thing called 'life'. I would seriously think of the kind of environment I would be providing for my children.............
She needs to run in the opposite direction cuz more likely than not, he will end up physically abusing her after marriage. This scenario is so so so typical for women who go through abuse with the whole honeymoon period after a fight when he convinces her that everything is la di da, only till the next fight when the vicious cycle repeats itself.
see every human being in this world has a prob or 2 sum r bearable sum r not... once u decide tht u wanna be with a guy or a gal then u need to deal with the probs tht come down the way...
if the girl knows that the guy gets cheezed of with her arguing then dont try handlign the situation differently dont aruge don hang up the phone try talking it out in a different way or keep quite at that time n then try talkign it with him at tht time this does work u luv the person ok bring out the negative n try repairing the positive...
the guy apologises means that he does realsie that he is wrong but he at tht point in time is not able to control a lot of suffer of this prob... one need to how to manage it...
if she does leave him the next guy she might find wud have sumthign else tht she cant put up with...
i wud say ask ur friend to once decide can she be with out him... if she can then cool... if she cant then ask her read a lot of material is available on how to handle such people and how best to deal with them...
i best advise at tht time wen he is abusing is don argue with him... even if asks u to do sumthing etc or not to do sumthing don argue at tht time wait... at a later time batoon batoon mein just see why he feels likes this wat best can be done understand his point of view...
but this is all pertaining to the fact that u r a 100% sure that the guy is reasonable n rational in his views... and she wud have known about this at the courtship period time.... was he alwasy like this or is it only now... or has she done sumthing so drastic that he now feels that if asks her nicely she wont but if he speaks loud she will...
these are all assumptions and ur friend can best tell u about these...