this is the first time im posting, sorry it has to be a depressing topic but i needed advice…
i have a friend who is getting married next yr…her & her fiance have been together for a long time, families are happy etc but theres a big problem…
she told me once that her fiance has an anger problem & that wen they fight he swears at her, puts her down a lot, he shouts, hits the wall, this is whilst on the fone to her, she cries but then later he apologises & things are ‘happy happy’ again…
i was really upset wen i heard this but didnt really know wot to say to her…
she says she loves him & he loves her & that in person hes not like that & that after shadi he’ll change.
im really worried bcos i dont think he will & i fear that his anger will only get worse. after sometime i asked her how things were she said ‘fine’ & changed the subject…but i get the feeling she regrets telling me now
my question is should i say something to her? what would you do if your friend was in that situation?
Shadi isn't gonna make him change unless he wants to.
and what is wrong with her? he's yelling and screaming on the phone she cannot just hang up?
teh best thing to do with a person who's going crazy like that is to walk away.. not sit there and try to reason wiht them because they will not listen.
On another note… it is quite normal for guys to have short tempers, not saying he should abuse her or whatever. I don’t think you talking to her will change anything. She should just stop doing all the things that gets him all mad
i said the same to her..she does hang up, it makes him more mad, he continues to ring
she said even if she were to talk to him after a couple of days it would be like that the last conv was on pause & he starts again..
he calls her stupid, dumb, retarded, spastic, bi... i was so shocked! it hurt me hearing it so God knows how she would feel...
& now i can tell shes been crying but she doesn't say anything :s
They are both sick and need some serious therapy/treatment, otherwise he and she are going to regret it big time after they get married.
She is abusive too ,as you mentioned, that can tick him off and after the shadi he will start hitting her, soon, instead of walls.
Time changes every thing, Some time event happen in such a way that it make a “man” very uncomfortable, break them from inside.
Years later when you look back you know that it was from God or some thing because that particular event changes you in a good way.
(its not gonna help aishii, but just wanted to share some thing on your comments.)
i said the same to her..she does hang up, it makes him more mad, he continues to ring
she said even if she were to talk to him after a couple of days it would be like that the last conv was on pause & he starts again..
he calls her stupid, dumb, retarded, spastic, bi... i was so shocked! it hurt me hearing it so God knows how she would feel...
& now i can tell shes been crying but she doesn't say anything :s
Oh wow... if this is over a few days, then this is very serious. do not his or her family say anything about this? are they even aware of his probleM? I can understand why she feels this way, but the only way he can change his problem is if he acknowledges it and tries to fix it....
the only way he can change his problem is if he acknowledges it and tries to fix it....
I have seen some who acknowledge it that they have anger management problem but they do not do anything to fix it.
That is why it is better if they both get some professional help before getting married.
I guess it is lust not love. If you love someone you do not abuse them in anyway verbally or physically, you are always nice , you care about the emotions , feelings and likes and dislikes of each other.
If someone still says that they love each other , then I would say it is sick love. It needs to turned into healthy love before they get married.
so if someone called you stupid, dumb, retarded, spastic, bi… what would you stop doing? Unless you actually agree to the fact that you are stupid dumb retarded spastic and a bitc. i don’t think there would be much in your control.
He won’t be changing so she can say goodbye to the thought that he will after marriage. As for you saying anything? She has decided to marry this guy and is willing to take the chance. If she is telling you that everything is fine then obviously she doesn’t want you to interfere in her affairs regarding the fiance. If you still really want to help your friend I say you recommend a change or two for your friend instead of the fiance. Number one would be building her self-esteem.
uh oh... hitting the wall.. not a good sign.. god forbid if he hits her in anger if she's right there during an argument. i think your friend needs to sit down with him and tell him straight up that if he wants to marry her, he has to promise to improve this or she cant be with him.
uh oh... hitting the wall.. not a good sign.. god forbid if he hits her in anger if she's right there during an argument. i think your friend needs to sit down with him and tell him straight up that if he wants to marry her, **he has to promise to improve this **or she cant be with him.
Please refer to red quoted text, these kind of behaviors do not change just by promises. it needs to be fixed with professional help before they two get married.
She is a grown woman capable of making her own decisions. Just let it be and dont get involved.
Please don't get offended , if your best friend is about to commit suicide will you do nothing to save her ?
This is an emotional suicide this friend of her is about to commit. It is her duty to save this good friend of hers from committing this emotional suicide.
i think shes got herself trapped... not sure if his/her family know but how could they not if hes shouting.
i feel so bad for her cos i know shes wanted to marry him since day one, its a love marriage (she waited a long time for his family to come over etc) & this anger thing obviously wasn't there in the beginning. i guess once the families were involved she didn't know how to pull out so has just been putting up with it.
she sed they're practically married & couldn't end it.. she kept saying 'inshallah itl b fine, he'll change,' (which i doubt will happen)
i don't think she has ever told anyone except that day wen she spoke to me, so i kind of feel like maybe i could help her someway? ofcourse i don't want to interfere in her business but she seemed so broken..
its obvious that she doesn't have the courage to break it off (sadly she still wants to marry this guy cos shes in love with him & has worked so hard to make it happen) it makes it even harder to get through to her.
sorry for waffling on, thanks for ur comments everyone
i agree 100%. that man is not going to get better, in fact there are good chances he will become physically abusive, and as they say in urdu, kisi ka bhi lehaz nahin karay ga. he will abuse her in front her family, and if they bring in any children into the equation, then in front of them as well. the signs are all there that he is going to be a physically abusive man in the very near future. us ko bas chance chahiye, which might very well come on the first day of marriage. there isn't a point in discussing things with the man, since he will not see the error of his ways, and in turn just might start to abuse your friend even more.
if she doesn't listen to you, contact some kind of agency around you that deal with abused and battered women, and show her some kind of information that they have available, which highlights some of the first warning signs of an abusive relationship. if she doesn't take things into her own hands now, then she will regret her decision for the rest of her life.
