Venting/Dissing of spouse and inlaws

[CoughCough]

Re: Venting/Dissing of spouse and inlaws

@Sehrysh

You seem to want women to* think the way men do because in your opinion a man’s way of thinking is the right way. That’s not going to happen, simply because women are socialized differently. And its not merely semantics, its reality - what seems like whining, venting and dissing to you isn’t seen as the same for a woman. Women reach out to other women for a sense of understanding and empathy. I’m truly not trying to rationalize “bad behaviour” rather I’m trying to give insight on another way of thinking and perceiving. To qualify my comment, not every woman thinks this way - but many do.
*
If my post led you to believe I’d like women to think the way men, it is a misunderstanding. I understand men and women are completely different creatures. I am not against venting. I vent too. But I vent to people I know, typically in small groups. Also, if I know someone will have a view opposing to the one I’d like to vent about, I wouldn’t go to them; it’s common sense. However, when one comes and vents in a public forum, you have to be careful. You can freely state whatever you wish, but it goes both ways. So be prepared to take heat. If they do want to come here for advice they would do best to make their posts as objective as possible. If it is an emotional post, thats perfectly fine too! Just be prepared for emotional response that may or may not come and dont whine if it does. I can understand the need for a support system, I really can. But dont you want to help them? Or would you rather just coddle them?

*Insulting all men is not the rule on this board and its unfair to paint all female posters as man-haters.
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Another misunderstanding. My aim was not at all ladies on here. God knows some ladies here are nothing short of queens (no pun intended). Whenever I say “you ladies” or just “ladies”, it’s just a shoe. Control I cannot who it fits. I think this response applies to the remainder in red.

As far as the examples you posted - why would you imply that they or those posts are representative of the female posters on GS? The same way Candy’s post about Punjabi-Pakistani men was a gross generalization - you’ve gone down the same path.

My point consistently has been about the fallibility of people and the possible reasons for that fallibility and why empathy is necessary. What’s unfortunate is the expectation of perfection in thought, deed and word of another. We want others to think our way and react the way we do and that’s not possible. We live in a world with shades of grey and unless you walk in another’s shoes you will never know what they go through and what has shaped their perceptions and feelings. Rightly or wrongly - they think the way they do and react the way they do and that’s where the empathy is necessary.

I’ll use your example - the classic MIL/DIL example. Your scenario has the wife whine and complain to her husband about how horrid the MIL is and you make it seem like the wife’s sole aim is to take her husband and child away from her MIL and to cut ties with the MIL - she’s a typical bad wife, who’s made a perfect mother, father, son equation miserable. In your scenario it seems like the MIL is an angel and the wife is the devil - but isn’t it possible that in some cases, the MIL has made her DIL’s life unpleasant and uncomfortable and that the DIL is unhappy because of her treatment at the hands of the MIL or other in-laws.

What should the wife do in this case? Shut up and not “whine” or complain or explain her unhappiness to her husband because he’s come home from a long tiring day at work and because he will never acknowledge that his family could ever have wronged his wife? What is the wife’s recourse in this type of scenario?

^ Point being - most people’s reality is somewhere in between the extremes you and I have described.

Something I learned in a management course which I thought was quite enlightening vis-a-vis relationship theory was that intention does not equal perception. And therein lies the source of most conflict. I mean one thing and you understand me to mean something else. How do you solve for the intention versus perception gap? I’ve no idea, other than open and honest and clear communication. But that assumes that everyone is comfortable with that level of open communication.

I don’t expect to “convince” you to see things my way - but I hope if nothing else, it at least will give you pause and maybe consider another perspective. That’s one thing that I have taken from this board - the multiplicity of perspectives and that just because I see things one way doesn’t mean others see the world through the same lens.

Upon closer inspection you’ll notice that I don’t imply that these posts are representative of GS posters. Quite the opposite. Before I present the scenario, I define it as being a stereotypical scenario. Read more below.

I accept human fallibility as much as you. It’s human nature to make errors. There’s nothing wrong with that. And yup there are many different shades of grey and I accept that too. However, there is a difference between making an error and not accepting you made the error. And yes I know, right and wrong are subjective. But you cannot deny the existence of universal truths. Universal truths are constant. It is a plain and simple fact, that what is true and right is true and right for all. Men and women alike. And it’s the one’s that don’t acknowledge that, that piss me off. And this is where empathy comes in. We need empathy to understand what someone is going through and whether what they are feeling is justified. Agree with you there.

The scenario presented to you was a stereotyped one. It’s aim is to juxtapose the other crap you see on here. Paki men are dumb, in laws and grandchildren, that I allegedly raped PCG, etc.

Sehrysh the wife has full right to complain on here. No one is stopping her. But if her story makes it seem like she is in the wrong, she will be made aware of it. And vice versa.

Empathy can be used to close the gap between perception and intention.

I am not closed minded Sehrysh. I am open to convincing. People will tell you that when I am proved wrong I acknowledge it. And if I behaved inappropriately during my ignorance or in anger, I will apologise with an assurance of no repeats. However, I will hold true to the universal truths. There are greys in life. But there are black and white scenarios too.