I come from a pretty liberal family and have been through this situation with my SIL.
Her valima jewellery was ugly.....and I mean really ugly!!! We had no choice in the matter.....we had to pick from what was available in the city at the time. Circumstances ruled our decisions and we got what we could.
Later on she decided that she was going to get that set melted down and something else made from it. She asked permission and brother said do what you want, it's yours'. She asked Ammi and reluctantly she agreed too. But I say reluctantly because ammi's position was that once something is made you don't melt it down. You leave it. Especially if you are in a position to afford other items....which we were and had done.
Long story short......new set was made, worn once and then stolen during a robbery.......gone forever!
SIL received insurance money with which she replaced the one she had made.
Several years later her house was robbed.....again and the jewellery taken.
To this day she has not been able to accumulate anything in terms of jewellery.
Sad......and probably just a coincidence........but I bet ammi has rolled over a few times in her grave.....
That's quite weird of you to scare a girl who is asking a simple question here.. and your amma shouldn't have felt offended to begin with since she had gifted that to your sil happily.. it was your SIL's choice to either keep it or make it into something more beautiful... same goes to goodgirl, and if my wife wants to change it to something else later on then be it.. why make life more miserable than it already is ( if they are going through any other problems) if not then why even make your life miserable to begin with.
Unless its like a family heirloom passed from generation to generation..I do not see the big deal in getting something she would actually wear. I see no benefit of jewelry sitting in a locker or drawer collecting dust.
What part of my post said that ammi was offended?
She wasn't in the least. I said very clearly that the set was ugly.....butt ugly.
Ammi's position was let it be. Don't melt it down. I want to say that she was superstitious but I know for a fact that she wasn't. I can't speak for her and perhaps if I find someone that thinks like she did I will ask them for their thoughts on the matter to better understand.
And read again Mc -- I said it must have been a coincidence.
I'm sure that the author of the post is mature enough to know that I am merely relaying an experience.......and not intending to scare her.
Nothing happens without Allah's permission.....who am I to suggest that a decision may go right or wrong?
Unless its heirloom jewelry, I dont see an issue if your husband is okay with it. What is the big deal? Ive melted down my jewelry, why cant I melt down stuff that was given to me?
The reason why I wanted guppans opinion is because I know their are some people in my family that wouldn't suggest it due to relations with my in laws.. but I felt that this is an issue that probably more girls have dealt with as gold is not cheap these days and I refuse to have my husband's money go to waste by having it sit in the locker. Sometimes I think their is a fine line when dealing with MIL because she can create problems even in happy relationships so I wanna be very careful making sure I do everything right since I am part of her family now.
*And this is why you get your own stuff made when it comes to clothes and jewelry and get your in-laws to pay for it, because that's so much better then saying its ugly; then getting it either remade or having to wear such ugliness on your valima. *
*And this is why you get your own stuff made when it comes to clothes and jewelry and get your in-laws to pay for it, because that's so much better then saying its ugly; then getting it either remade or having to wear such ugliness on your valima. *
^yup, couldn't agree more! Personally, I could never change a set that my in-laws gave me because I know that it would be a national issue. I know for a fact my hubby would be totally against it since the set was his mom's personal choice and me changing it would be saying "I don't like your taste in jewellery and it's not good enough for me to wear." Although I don't think it's a big deal to change a set that you have had for a long time especially if you don't wear it, I'd never be able to do it. Only you can judge how your in-laws are. If they are sensitive people then I'd suggest that you just leave it in your locker. It's not worth ruining relations over.
I am affraid the same will happen to me,
i want a white gold set cause it goes with my valima outfit,
when i talked to my MIL, she started saying how ppl will start talkin because we did not give you any gold, how dumb is that.
but i am still on my MIL case, so t i thing u should let her know that u want to change, and go for it.
haan yaara mera valima ho gaya hai. I got married in 2008. Laikan it's a good idea to share your concerns if you still have time to get what you want :)
I think the very big positive you have in your situation is that your husband is 100% on your side and agrees with you to have your jewelry changed.
I feel like if he wasn't understanding and you wanted to do this - then this would be a problem and my personal advice to you would be to just keep the jewelry as it is. Because this could not only create a rift with your MIL .. but also your husband.
But because your husband completely understands and encourages this, I think you will be fine. Even if your MIL gets annoyed with you.... I doubt it will last that long because her being annoyed with you for this reason will annoy your hubby. And MIL will realize its not worth having her own son annoyed at her for this issue.
Besides - the way I look at it, if you get it melted down and have something of your own choice made.... it is technically still "a gift from them"! The gold used for this set is gold that was given to you by his family! That fact isn't going to change! Who cares if the actual design is different?? It's not like you are selling your gold and using the money to buy a present for someone else or whatever. Now that is not cool.
if i were u i would change it regardless of whether they (inlaws) like it or not... it was given to me so its upto me whether i wanna keep it or not .. or probably i would rather pass it to my SIL as a wedding gift or something. ..and no i would definitely not gonna keep something for my DIL which I absolutely hate to wear...
... my MIL never had any issue with me when i wanted to change some of my wedding jewellery, not because it was ugly or old fashioned, it was because sets were too big and i like small sets, something i can wear everyday. .... actually she is the one who got my jewellery exchanged .. i thanks her for that.
Um, happened also to a friend of mine. Maybe it was a sentimental piece or maybe the in-laws were being passive-aggressive. Can't remember, but I think she wore it combined with a set of her own choice - so it was like a layered set type look. She was PEEVED about this. It created a lot of unnecessary drama, honestly.
You have a choice. You can wear it and point it out to everyone and say your inlaws gave it to you, which makes them look bad. Or you can just wear it and keep your mouth shut and only invite people to your wedding who aren't so judgemental as to pass comments. Or you can not wear it, but then your inlaws will create a FUSS.
Honestly, I dont get why the girl just doesn't get to choose her own jewelry. Especially with these families that have money. I mean, let her pick something of her own choosing. Or if you are gonna give her an old ratty set, explain to her the sentimental value and have the decency of polishing it up before having her wear it at a wedding.
Hm. I don't know. I mean, if you really want a specific kind of jewelry, then buy it yourself, or have your husband buy you a separate set if he can afford it.
Why take an old piece of jewelry and melt it into something else, especially if it has been running in his family? It may be ugly, but it means something. It has history attached to it. The stuff my daadi gave to my mom is still sitting there. She doesn't wear it for sure, but its sitting there, and its nice for us grandkids to see it and be told of the history behind it.
If i were at your I would wait for some time may be a year or so . Doing what you are intending to do so early in marriage is not a good idea !!! You are in the process of building relationships with your inlaws right now , let it be built then do whatever you want to do. In the mean time I am sure you must eb having enough jewellery from your mother's side to wear , just dont wear the jewellery given by your inlaws right now , if they say anything regarding not wearing the jewellery you can always use excuses like it was not going well with your dress etc.
I also got a set from my inlaws and it was a super ugly set , it had the most pathetic long stringed beads in it. I didnt criticised it , because it was their taste may be they didnt buy it with bad intentions but I also hardly ever wore it. It had brown beads in it and was a mismatch with almost all the dresses I had.
and please dont let your jewellery spoil the relationship b/w u and ur inlaws its not worth it.
i thought she said she got married in 2008..so nearly 2 years already
well...my sister didnt like the jewellery which was from our side but mom didnt change it...mom liked tradtional heavy set while sister like small sets...she got them change after 1 year of marrige...
and for in laws side..i think you can change it..if your husband dont mind then i think they should not have any problem..they have given it to you so its your choice what you do with it...well if you cant talk to your in laws then ask your husband..maybe he can say ammi mujhe begum ka set itna khas pasand nahi to is liye main soch raha ho ke os ka set change kara do or say...ammi mujhe aik set bohot pasand aya hai par aaj kal gold bohot expensive hai is liye soch raha ho ke os ke walima ka set torwa kar woh wala bana do