Re: Urgent: Please Help
You’re right Nia, there were a lot of tough times but these were because of my parents, not my husband. When we talked about converting, it was very easy for him because he kinda didn’t know where he stood religiously at all. He was raised Christian but had never bought into the whole Jesus(pbuh) is the son of God concept. All that was left was him reading the Quran and I have to stay, Most Wanted, I would advise you to give her the Quran and let God speak to her. You just might be surprised.
As for the family aspect of it, they recognized that he was Muslim so there was no “real” reason to stop me from marrying him but the cultural aspect was huge plus they thought I was out of my mind and this was just a phase and I’d get over him. My mom actually told him that the first time she met him. Needless to say, it didn’t go over well with him and he didn’t like her very much.
For those of you who don’t know, i had an arranged marriage when i was sixteen, the idiot came here when i was eighteen. . . and was gone within three months or something like that. He had someone back home and he wanted to marry her so his motivation to marry me was solely to get his greencard. This was a cousin marriage, in the family, and it ended horribly. I’m not going to get into the details but it was THAT BAD and frankly, after that experience, there was no way that I was going to go for an arranged marriage.
Because of that previous experience, I think it made it easier (in the long run) for my parents to deal that I was not going to get married to a Paki guy. Even now, my mom says that that exp. ruined her daughter’s way of thinking.
When I told them that I would marry him no matter what, they raised hell and said that they were going to disown me. My Mom threatned to leave the house, etc. It is extremely hard to stand your ground when your Mom is crying and saying that you have ruined her life. I didn’t see how I ruined her life and I felt horrible about not changing my mind and I can’t say that the thought of leaving Matt didn’t enter my mind. It did but then I would look at him and I saw him as the completely innocent party who was totally in love with me and if I changed my mind, he’d be the one who would be hurting inside out for no reason. My parents, while I didn’t want them to hurt, I feel that I was still holding onto resentment from my previous marriage and I blamed it all on them. So while I felt horrible about taking a stand at the same time, I didn’t feel I was doing something that bad. I was just marrying the guy I wanted. They had their chance to marry me to who they wanted and it didn’t work. Now, it was my turn. Still, it’s hard seeing your mom cry. Ultimately, they saw I was dead serious and they thought about it again and decided to go ahead and marry me to him. It also helped that my brother was on my side and although he did not say that to them, he did help to calm them and make them realize that it wouldn’t be that bad and he also helped to calm me. He was my strength when I was falling apart when my Mom started crying.
The wedding was done with a lot internal tensions as they were not happy at all. Plus, I know it wasn’t like the wedding that would have happened had I married a guy of their choice so I feel I kinda missed out on that. But it was worth it. I do wish sometimes that I could go back and do it again cause I’d prolly do it a lot differently than I did. Maybe, I would have tried to talk to them more . . . have more patience, etc.
Anyways, after we got married, my Mom was more okay with it than my Dad. His principle reason for not being okay with it was that he wanted to pick the guy and that had been taken away from him. He didn’t talk to me for one year after we got married and yes, that was not easy. My relationship with him was always strained but the guilt eats you up. Did I at that time think I had made a mistake? No because i was/am completely, totally in love with my husband. But, I did feel horrible about my Dad and after many crying nights, I ended up apologizing to him. All it took really was one Sorry Dad literally and he was okay with me. It seemed that he too wanted to bridge the gap but his ego was in the way. With Matt, it was different. He didn’t like Matt at all. He was very suspicious of him but I think My Mom had a huge influence on him and she keeps reminding him that he’s a good kid. Plus, there’s nothing about him that my dad can object to so that always helps because they see the way he treats me and they see how happy I am, thank God. They’ve also seen how open he is to our culture in the sense that no matter how funny he sounds, he tries to speak urdu sometimes even though most of the time we don’t know what the hell he’s saying:cb: . Plus, he’s very humble and that scored big points with my parents when they finally saw him for who he is.
Even now, I know that my parents see some old friends’ kid and they’ll wish that I had not married Matt. I have many a small arguments with my mom because she has gone “Oh so and so kid’s doing this and that and this and that” and it’s like she’s comparing him to Matt. So will she ever completely get over it, No. But, she sees me more as my own person now and that’s something that they never really saw me as before. Overall I think it has much improved my relationship with them in the sense that it is more balanced now whereas before it was very one sided.
As for Matt’s parents, they weren’t really a problem. His Mom is schizophrenic and his Dad is kinda just okay with everything and is very laid back.
As for us adjusting to two different cultures personally, that wasn’t really a problem. It’s not hard if both people are open to each other. Had we let my family interfere in the first year, it would have been a lot harder. Now, they can interfere but they love him. My Dad even said the other day that he was amazed at how well he treats me. . . of course he followed that with, if he ever does anything bad you tell me, i’ll beat him up but that’s just his Daddy side speaking. And yes, Matt heard that and he said, Pssht, you do anything bad to her and I’ll beat you up. . . and so the joking continues. There’s still a bit of tension when we sleep over at my parents. Dad’s not entirely comfortable with it but he wouldn’t be no matter who the guy was.
Ultimately, I thank God that it all worked out.
And there you go. And please don’t quote me guys cause I don’t want to leave this up here for too long. It’s far too personal. . . 