Salam everyone, i’m in a very difficult situation and i need some advice.
I am in a relationship with a christian indian girl. I am a college student and InshAllah hoping to start med school next year. The problem is that we are very attached and I love the girl, she is an amazing person, but I am not sure if I’ll be able to marry her and if it is worth putting myself and her through everything that will follow if i do decide to marry her. Intially i never imagined myself in this situation, but overtime we became very close. For a long time, we kept it a good secret other than our closest friends, but she started dental school this year and her parents work there. They teach the upper classmen. We were planning on ending it at the end of this semester, but today an upperclassmen told her mom that he/she thinks that her daughter might have a boyfriend. Her mom wasn’t that adamant on her, but i know it was very hard for her to lie to her mom. Also I am very close to my mom, and i have a few sister. I am the only brother, i love my mom alot and i know if i marry this girl it will break my mom’s heart and being paki, i’m sure u guys know the whole deal with the rest of the family about respect and etc. I try to be a good muslim, but i am caught in this very serious situation. I am not sure what to do, should we wait until end of the semester to end it, or should we end it now? or should i follow my heart and marry this girl, whom i really love? Please advise me and pray to Allah to guide me.
she is from the people of the book, she is a christian, but i think she'll be willing to convert. actually she would have to for me to marry her. but my mom only wants me to marry a paki muslim
You decide what you have to, not your parents. As long as she is willing to revert, then by all means you should do it. However, first try the traditional way (both families coming togather).
mostwanted, there might be more to “why” she wants you to marry only a paki-muslim; **Talk to your mom and try to explain her **(dont be offended but she might lack knowledge regarding Islam – comon thing in Sub-continent).
well i'm a gori christian, married to a most-revered (in MY eyes!) pakistani man. I have no prob raising my boys Muslim. I myself will likely become Muslim (once I've completed my reading of Koran and understand fully what the religion is and what is expected of me). Family on his side is accepting of this. But really, what matters most is your happiness, your love for each other. May you find the serenity and the peace to get thru these tough times! Love WILL prevail!
mostwanted your mom might want a paki girl because she probably thinks she will better be able to relate and communicate with her...which is ofcourse not always true. im sure if the girl and mom spent time together they will ultimately get along.
I think another issue is respect with family and friends. I feel that if i marry her my parents would be humiliated by the harsh words coming from other family members and friends.
I kind of mentioned her to my mom indirectly a few months back, and she was very disappointed and she didnt eat for a couple of days. I assured her nothing is going on for her to be ok. I am just afraid of what I might get myself into.
i forgot to mention earlier that my mom still lives in pakistan, while I'm in states with my father.
ugh.....didn't eat for a couple of days.......tactics well used and practised by parents to get their way.
I guess it comes down to what you are willing to face and how important your relationship with this girl is.
Most parents come around.
I know of one right now that won't bend. And the girl her only son married is Pakistani, Muslim and from an educated, middle-class family. So you never know. He is tortured by the situation because he was very close to his mom. He announced his decision after many years of getting the families to work together and his mom kicked him out of the house.
Not only does this situation cause him much distress, it often comes up between him and his wife.
Ask her if she wants to convert, if she does thats the best that can happen. Then, go ahead, drop the bombshell ... marry her. My wife was a christian, she is a Muslim now. I am living happily, though more than half of my family is still against what I did but I am very much happy with my life & wife.
I am in a relationship with a christian indian girl. I am a college student and InshAllah hoping to start med school next year. The problem is that we are very attached and I love the girl, she is an amazing person, but I am not sure if I'll be able to marry her and if it is worth putting myself and her through everything that will follow if i do decide to marry her. Intially i never imagined myself in this situation, but overtime we became very close. For a long time, we kept it a good secret other than our closest friends, but she started dental school this year and her parents work there. They teach the upper classmen. We were planning on ending it at the end of this semester, but today an upperclassmen told her mom that he/she thinks that her daughter might have a boyfriend. Her mom wasn't that adamant on her, but i know it was very hard for her to lie to her mom. Also I am very close to my mom, and i have a few sister. I am the only brother, i love my mom alot and i know if i marry this girl it will break my mom's heart and being paki, i'm sure u guys know the whole deal with the rest of the family about respect and etc. I try to be a good muslim, but i am caught in this very serious situation. I am not sure what to do, should we wait until end of the semester to end it, or should we end it now? or should i follow my heart and marry this girl, whom i really love? Please advise me and pray to Allah to guide me.
Think with your mind and not with your heart. Marrying a girl from other culture has lot of disadvantages. Weigh all the pros and cons. Identify at least ten things which you value most and evaluate how it will affect you if you marry this girl. If you feel comfortable then go ahead.
I used the above evaluation technique while moving to Canada. I had a great well paying job back home and it was very difficult to decide whether it was really worth immigrating to Canada. I identified ten things which I valued most and gave them marks according to my priority. Finally I came up with a score of 66 if I stayed back home and 69 if I moved to Canada. The advantage of moving to Canada was so thin that it took me three years and three Canadian trips to take a final decision.
I used the above evaluation technique while moving to Canada. I had a great well paying job back home and it was very difficult to decide whether it was really worth immigrating to Canada. I identified ten things which I valued most and gave them marks according to my priority. Finally I came up with a score of 66 if I stayed back home and 69 if I moved to Canada. The advantage of moving to Canada was so thin that it took me three years and three Canadian trips to take a final decision.
Marriage is definately not bussiness, mind doesn't work more than heart when it comes to Love. But I do advise that even though one can love but must keep an eye on circumstances for future, he must keep in mind that what can happen in next ten years. On top of it I'd also advise him dont do any stupidity of leaving his family for the woman rather must keep everything in sequence.
i think maybe you are too young to be getting into matters of the heart and considering possible scenarios. you need to keep in mind that people change over time and there might not be any need for you to address this situation right now. it would be however prudent to try to wean yourself off this relationship or from viewing her in the particular light you are now( as a potential wife ) and go back to being friends considering the obstacles in the path. you are the only son and therefore yes you do have an obligation towards your parents. putting them through the trouble of bridging a cultural and religious gap is a problem. also for her parents, consider their feelings. how theyd feel abt their grandchildren growing up on the other end of the cultural divide.
mostly you both are very young at the moment. and if this is a relationship where the mode of communication is not one to one interaction then there might be a lot more you two need to learn abt one another.
In my opinion it would be best to stop the affair now. Fooling yourselves that things will get better will lead nowhere. All the problems you face now will remain at the end of the semester. Avoid the heartache and above all be honest about your intentions.
there has been alil more discussion between us. it was over the phone because i can't see her until after her next exam. when i asked her directly if she would convert she seemed hesitant, actually she said no because she is afraid what her dad might do and what her community might think, i dont know if any of you guys know but indian christians are pretty religious, she is not to religious but of course she is still part of community. I have told her about my views about Jesus and Islam and the whole concept of trinity. She doesn't understand her position very well and agrees with the errors in the Bible but she is afraid of the rxn of her family and community. and she is still not a 100% sure if she'll be able to marry me after she converts, which i understand.
i think as of now, we are going to try to end it gradually by the end of the semester, stopping all physical things, and also cutting down on talking on the phone and etc. i'm having a very tough time with this right now. I kind of agree with you Aisha, but it is difficult to find courage when you really care for someone and i know she does too. i try to pray regularly and ask Allah for help. Is there something else you guys think I can do to get throught his difficult situation? and thanks for all of your help
hey listen....it will all boil down to how much each of you care what others think. No matter WHO you marry, there will be chatter but if you marry HER, there will be more. If she is open to learning your religion, if she agrees that any children you make together will be raised as Muslims, then that should satisfy YOUR religious requirements of her. So whats left? Answer: the reaction of both her community and yours. You have to decide whats more important - your love for each other or your love for your own perspective communities. And in considering these things, you should think too - about how worthwhile a community really is when it cannot accept a union between two who have so much love but have some cultural and religious difference - is it really worth giving in to this? If the two of you are willing and able to work on and work out the differences then the communities should accept or at least tolerate. Otherwise, they arent worth the dedication IMHO.