urgent help needed

Lifestyle Relationships
1

today my mother told me that last time we went to my in laws.. it was around 3-4 months back, my FIL cross questioned my dad about why he doesnt have a computerised system in his shop. my dad minded that alot and told my mom not to tell me. they both did not like the way he asked my dad questions..
i found this and got very upset. my fiance knew i was upset so i told him,. he got v angry and told me that his dad is never rude and is always caring.. he doesnt believe me and thinks my family is only making issues so we break up..
he told me his family cares so much and gets me everything i want.. i dont want gifts. i want respect for my father. for the first time i found out and i am angry at my in laws. i hate them. how dare they cross question my dad.

i cant break my engagement because then i’ll be badnam. i dont know what to do. ive been crying since past 7 hours. he expects me to be guilty and told me he cant hear a thing against his parents. i told him i cant hear a thing as well.

how life changes all of a sudden in 1 day…

2

dudette! His father asked ur father a question about some computerised system and u now want to break off the engagement?

He loves and respects his parents and you love urs too.... the problem is that u don't consider each other's parents ur own parents.

3

Re: urgent help needed

You're making a mountain out of a mole hill. I am sure ur prespective FIL didn't mean it in that sense. I am sure he cross questioned your dad but not in the sense that he should mind. People tend to check each other's families out since marrriage is a rishta between two families and not just two people. Your fiance is kinda wrong too in thinking that his parents are always right. Just talk to him nicely and tell him that you're sure his parents meant the best but it might not have come out that way. Talk to your parents as well and make your fiance understand that too.

Secondly, grow up. Life and marriage is all about compromises and understanding each other and not make a big deal out of somethings. You and your fiance both should understand that and work to resolve the issues and not to create even more issues.

4

Re: urgent help needed

Now you know , so just have a conversation with your father about what really happened . I think uncle being little bit too sensitive about it , but it doesn't look like such a big deal .

5

^ ditto.

6

Re: urgent help needed

:smack:

Did your future FIL say the following (or get close to it):
“Why don’t you have a computerised system? You’re so backwards.”
“Are you uneducated that you don’t know how to use a computer?”
“Are you poor that you can’t afford a computerised system?”

It really depends on what the FIL said and his tone. If he didn’t say any of those or imply something like that, you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe he was simply asking because he sees a computerised system as being convenient.

7

Exactly!

8

^It can change in a matter of seconds. Calm down and reflect over things. In any relationship....you need to develop a certain level of tolerance.....and learn to let some things "slide".....as well as give the benefit of the doubt. Pick and choose your battles. If you make everything an issue.....you'll drive yourself up the wall....and destroy your relationships.

Your father (regardless of how he interpreted the computers comment).....would not have been hung up over this comment for eternity. He would have eventually moved on from it. As upset as he may have been.....he wouldn't consider your FIL's question a "dealbreaker" for the rishta.

Slow down. Before rushing to accuse your fiance of having insensitive parents....see if there may be other reasons behind someone's comment. And then evaluate if it's that big of an issue. If you do have an issue, approach it with some tact.

If your questioning "breaking your engagement"....then you need to think about whether you're ready to get married.

9

Re: urgent help needed

given what i've read about your family's situation, it seems that you had a very successful business but now that's not the case. this must be quite devastating for your father and has probably knocked his confidence a lot. when people are in that position, they find it hard to take constructive criticism because it's like admitting to themselves that they are perhaps not doing the right thing or not trying hard enough.

from what else i have read, it seems like your in-laws do care for you and your family so i'm sure your fil's suggestions came from a good place.

you should not be arguing with your fiance over this. you need to be objective. if whatever your fil was saying was for the good of your father's business, if anything you should be helping to explain things to your dad in a way that you know he will be receptive - so that he knows that everyone is on his side and just wants the best for him and his family.

and to be honest, if this is coming only from your mum and your dad hasn't actually said anything to you or you haven't since spoken to him about what you've found out... i'd take it with a pinch of salt.

10

Re: urgent help needed

^Agree with Stoppit. She said it well :)

11

This conversation took place between the elders. If your father didnt like the questioning he could have politely sidetracked the conversation.
If he said you were not to be told about it, then your mother shouldnt have brought you into this.

Maybe your father is being sensitive, maybe fil was giving some favorable suggestion. Even if this was not the case, you cant jump in every conversation and take sides...this is not good for your own sake.

It doesnt mean you dont respect your parents. So many things happen with in-laws, learn to deal with them tactfully. Marriage is not an 'all happy ride'...this is where you start to understand it and learn to compromise.

12

Re: urgent help needed

wow....

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Re: urgent help needed

most of the world still isnt computerized .. what the hell what the issue .. ?? these are petty things to worry about where as the greater thing is the engagement ..shud focus on that ..

plus this cross questioning ... it was prolly a suggestion and now as we pakistani are good at adding mirch masala to issues .. and the issues been blown outa it original format ..

14

Re: urgent help needed

I dont get it.

You want to break your engagement because your FIL asked your dad about not having a computer system? And you've been crying for the past 7 hours about this? Is it possible that you're hormonal right now?

1) You seem to be overly overly overly sensitive about every little thing that happens around you. So, if you want some sort of sanity in life...please try and be a little more easy going.

2) You said your inlaws are much better off than you guys. Is it possible your dad might be sensitive to that and took your FIL's questions as "cross questioning"...you make it sound like your father was in a witness box and your FIL was riling up a court room with theatrics.

3) I dont understand how a simple thing like this went all the way to a broken engagement and your badnaami saari duniya mein. You're taking your relationship and literally beating it with a stick. So, please stop. If you want to be happy................go ahead and BE HAPPY. Getting worked up over this petty nonsense will get you nowhere.

15

Re: urgent help needed

It seems that there r already some issues among the families . This is a minor thing which can not be the actual reason.

In such case u two has huge responsibility to keep these issues away of your relation. iff u both wanna continue other wise these things will happen again and again.

16

From where I see it: the only crazy thing crazyfool has done is involve her fiance in it.
The rest is the issue with her parents, they took the insult and its not upto crazyfool to decide if it was wrong or right. Her parents took it and she feels for them, it's natural.

She must have talked to her parents to clear it out.

17

Re: urgent help needed

In reading your threads it seems that you don't like the way your mum deals with your in-laws. You don't like the way your in-laws deal with your father - no one seems to make an effort for anyone else - so why are you in this relationship?

Based on your description of your own family's attitude to your in-laws, your in-laws are equally entitled to be "offended" by your parents' behaviour - but they haven't expressed any such attitude. So why not take the higher road and get past any supposed "offense" your in-laws made to your father.

Again it comes back to you - do you or do you not want to make this relationship work? If you do, you need to learn to manage the relationships around you and prioritize what is important to you.

18

Re: urgent help needed

What is this "cross questioning"? Did your father in law put your father on the stand; make him swear by the Quran that everything he was about to say is the truth? Then did he proceed to question your father; which was then defended by your father's lawyer; and then your father in law resumed to question your father? That is what cross questioning is. Asking a simple question about computerizing a shop is not. Please put things in perspective. If you love your fiance and want things to work out, don't let petty stuff get in the way.If your fiance or in laws are metally/physically abusing you, then it's another matter; but that doesn't seem to be the case here. Sort it out!

19

lol .. thats the same thing confusing me .. it was just .. emm .. "aap nay apni shop pr comuterized system q nahi rakha" .. .. .. .. "how dare you to ask this question .. hum mangni to rahay hain" .. :| ..

thank God they din ask aap nay computer pr Windows 7 install q nahi ki .. :|

20

Re: urgent help needed

when are u getting married again?