This is for my cousin and I don’t want to say anything to him that will make things worse. He is from Pakistan and belongs to a filthy rich family. He is also the only son. He wanted to go to a University in Lahore but his parents pressured him into coming to Canada. Now he has only been here a week but he is panicking. He threatened his parents that he will buy a ticket and head back to Pakistan. His mom called me and asked me to talk to him. I have spoken to him and he seems very very depressed. He said that he has already got a few assignments from university but he is unable to do them because he cannot focus. He also said that he has made friends and he feels better around them, it’s just when he sits down to study alone when the panic sets in. He told me that he feels that he has already made a big mistake by coming here and that he should have stayed back in Pakistan regardless of disappointing his parents, and now he is very worried about making more mistakes.
I really want to help him, but I just don’t know what to tell him. Telling him to just relax and give it time is not helping. I would really appreciate some advice as to how I can help him out?
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Why is he feeling panicked? Is their a counselor or advisor he can speak to? Usually there's also someone assigned to international students as well.
But really, why did his parents pressure him like this?
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I don't know. I was in Pakistan in May when all this was happening. He was on war with his parents at the time. I personally think they did a stupid thing by forcing him to come here. But what's done is done, we can't turn back the clock.
At first I thought he was lonely, but he says that he is not lonely. I guess because he is the only son and he feels that he will not be able to meet his parents expectations? I feel that is what it is because he kept saying that he doesn't want to screw up anymore. He was saying how he was never good enough for his parents. He is not namazi, he is an average student, he has an afro which his parents HATE.
I am sure after a little time has passed he will settle in but I don't know what to tell him to calm him down for the time being.
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Hmm. That IS how universities work. But the question is, why does he not want to be here? What is making him panic?
And yes, there are counselors in school to help international (and local) students deal with this stuff (and more).
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Is he in a big city or small town?
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Montreal. Should I just tell him to consult a counselor?
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Definitely.
I don't think he's telling you everything.
He probably has an academic advisor and there's probably also someone available for emotional support. There may also be a pakistani/south asian/Muslim students org that he may want to catch up with.
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Maybe he isn't, I don't know. I am really worried about his parents too because they will be really hurt if he just goes back, and knowing him I wouldn't be surprised if he catches the next flight back to Pakistan ...
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By the way, I think if his parents ask, he should be honest about what he's experiencing.
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I don't think Pakistani parents understand depression ...
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It doesn't need to be given a label yet. He can talk about his daily experiences and his feelings. Best to be specific.
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what a princess he is, he is lucky he got the opportunity to study abroad.. at least he is staying with you guys so he is not lonely, because I have seen students who were miserably alone and extremely poor. They would go to uni in the morning and clean tables at night, we all have to struggle a bit to get the results but your cousin isn't even struggling here, he is living a comfortable life so he shouldn't be complaining.
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He is staying in Montreal and we have no family there. He flew directly to Montreal so he never even got to spend Eid with any family in Canada. He said that he told his parents but he feels that they have turned against him and that no one is supporting him.
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what a princess he is, he is lucky he got the opportunity to study abroad.. at least he is staying with you guys so he is not lonely, because I have seen students who were miserably alone and extremely poor. They would go to uni in the morning and clean tables at night, we all have to struggle a bit to get the results but your cousin isn't even struggling here, he is living a comfortable life so he shouldn't be complaining.
I agree! I realize the universe revolves around him ;), but he should be made to understand that EVERYBODY feels this way the first semester in college. EVERYBODY. Doesn't matter if they are a foreign student or native. He's only one week in. Gee, poor little rich boy doesn't know the rules in the new place, and is not the apple of anyone's eye and the sun doesn't shine out of his patootie anymore. He is going to really have to buckle down and DO THE WORK. It's not like in Pakistan where safarish se sab kuch ho jaega. He has to keep up on the work NOW, TODAY and EVERY DAY. None of this sitting around in lectures and not doing anything until exam time. That's the system here. You must keep up on the work. He's just chicken.
Actually, come to think of it, if he hasn't enough courage to actually carry his own weight and be serious, then maybe he should go back -- he's taking a place which a really laiq student is not getting.
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He got in because of his hard work in the first place. What many of you are not getting is that this kid did not want to be here in the first place. He really badly wanted to go to some University in Lahore. He did not care about going abroad at all. Well, I have talked to him and he has agreed to stay a semester and see how it goes.
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what a princess he is, he is lucky he got the opportunity to study abroad.. at least he is staying with you guys so he is not lonely, because I have seen students who were miserably alone and extremely poor. They would go to uni in the morning and clean tables at night, we all have to struggle a bit to get the results but your cousin isn't even struggling here, he is living a comfortable life so he shouldn't be complaining.
are u in Pakistan? if no, you wouldn't have said what you said! living a luxurios comfortable life is not all that is required for happiness!
let me tell you, living in Montreal is not easy, and you will only understand this if you know how it is to live in a place where it snows 8 months a year and you have to go for grocery, university, work in that...some people don't even use their cars for that reason for travelling, they travel using public buses, trams, etc
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In Pakistan, people have to work in miserable heat for most of the year...It's just a change of annoyances. I lived in Detroit and Buffalo for 13 years - Montreal has nothing to teach me about snow!:p
Anyway, Spoko, I am glad he is going to stick it out for at least a semester. Tell him even though he sees everybody else going along looking like they've all got it under control, the vast majority feel just as scared and out of their depth as he feels. If he has the brains and diligence you say he does, he will be ok.
And tell him to invest in some good longjohns (thermal underwear) and wool sweaters!
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I don't think Pakistani parents understand depression ...
agreed.
my husband doesnt want to do phd, his parents are making him. thankfully hes not depressed voer it, but it does stress you out, its hard work meeting peoples expectations....
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On a superficial note, tell him to go to felix and norton and have their fresh baked cookies. It’s a slice of heaven and soon his troubles will melt away.
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Poor guy might be suffering from home sickness ....