unwanted interference from mother in law

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Hello guppies. I would appreciate some encouraging words or some advice here.

I’m visiting Pakistan with my 9 months old dear son. I’m staying with my in laws until my husband is here. Once he goes back I’ll stay with my own family until I go back.

Right now I’m just getting depressed by my mother in law’s every 15 min piece of advice. My baby has been teething thus has bad fever and all. He has become a lil weak. My mil keeps stressing that I should feed him less milk and more food. My NAND makes this sagu Dana something mixture with milk, she also makes suji and milk mixture too. My mil forces me to feed that to my baby. I’m sure these things might help him gain weight but is it healthy? Is it not extra unhealthy calories? I’m sure it has no protiens/ vitamins or any other healthy stuff.

My second concern is that my baby’s sleep routine is going through a time change. He has been a very good sleeper mashallah. Now that when he sleeps at odd Pk timings, my mil starts stressing I shd wake him up and that I why is he sleeping so much. I get upset when she starts on that. Finally my baby is getting used to the place and started sleeping well again I can’t take my mil’s uneccesary advice.

Third concern, my sister in law’s 2 kids ( a 3 yr old and a 1.5 yr old) are way too hyper for my calm baby. They won’t let my baby play with his toys. They ll keep his toys in their mouths then throw them on the floor. I find my baby putting the same toys in his mouth. I can’t monitor him 24/7 bcos everyone wants to hold and watch him play. When in the room they ll come get him from me. My baby just got flu and everyone advising me to give him baby Tylenol while I want to take him to the doc.

My baby uses pacifier, my mil is against it. I know I need to wean him from pacifier but my own way. My mil will take pacifier away from him for hrs resulting him getting very very fussy and frustrated.

I can’t wait to go back home already. Please advice how do i deal with the situation and do not get depressed about it. I know my mil is excited to see her first grand son but so much stuff is depressing me now. I was trying to take all this positively but can’t anymore.

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

wow
is there no way to ask your husband to tell his mother that there are boundaries and she should respect your wishes?

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

I can feel your pain! But I do understand your MIL too ... she's just excited to see her grandson. It's understandable that she'd want to have a say in his life.
But you are his mother and you know what's best for him! Tell your husband about this and maybe he can talk to your MIL without it sounding like you've been complaining?

And about your SIL children, 3 and 1.5 yr olds are just babies ... they don't know what they're doing is wrong .. please don't get annoyed with the little kiddies!!
Take your kid to the dr if you feel like he needs to be checked .. but Tylenol should help a little too.

Baby should be eating a little by now. Feed him healthy stuff like fruits and veggies as oppose to the unhealthy stuff MIL is insisting on .. BUT I'm pretty sure sooji is healthy!!

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Have you voiced when something upsets you? He’s your baby…

Why don’t you take an early trip to your.parents’ house?

Ps… i wish i could like Wendy’s post from the andrioid app. :bummer:

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

Specifics:
-sooji is healthy, but some kids are allergic to it, so just keep an eye out for that.
-in the first year, offer milk first, then food. a 9 month old can eat most things now (tho most docs in the West discourage dairy and honey before age 1)
-the sleep routine will probably take at least a week or more to adjust. i wouldn't wake a sleeping baby tho. but you have to observe your child and consider what makes the most sense for him.
-you have to keep an eye on your child constantly, or you need to be ok with how others are caring for him.
-baby tylenol is usually fine, but if he has a fever he needs to see a doc regardless.
-ignore the pacifier stuff. i was never a fan of babies using the pacifier, but i have seen many kids stop it when it was time, and i don't think it's a big deal. the nurses at the hospital actually encouraged it.
- try not to let their overeagerness/overinvolvement ruin your trip. most likely they mean well. this is only for a brief period of time.

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

not all kids are hyperactive.

try not to give your kid sugar and avoid medication if its not necessary. how else are they going to build their immune system? medicine just weakens their immune system more but that does NOT mean you should never give your child medicine it just means don't give it immediately after a sneeze.

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

sooji n sago dana r absolutely healthy if ur baby likes the taste of soji or sago thn let him eat them. 2ndly for flu u can give him any flu medicine which is suitable for his age, but if u r concerned thn consult with a good peads doc.

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

tell your husband to handle the situation....
for example if she says to wakeup the baby while he is sleepy,let ur hubby say to ur mil that let him sleep its good for his health or doc advised so....
i used to do the same lol

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Do u think all this is guna be avoided when you go stay with ur family... I feel its the excitement of meeting their grandson/nephew so ur MIL is bound to have lots to say, im sure youre family will be doing the same also,

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

But then it will be all fine and cute.

You are only there for a while, so let them have fun with the little one while they can. He is not only your son. He is their grandson/nephew too.

Maybe you should start with yourself. Stop worrying and getting depressed over these small matters (if you can call them matters in the first place). You will see that life becomes so much better.

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

I didnt find a single problem of yours to be as serious as to make one troubled. I am sorry but you just sound being too narrow hearted towards your inlaws. you are only visiting them and cannot possibly tolerate their presence/interference for such a little period. this is sad. your MIL brought your husband up and handed over to you to do as you want and you cant bear her do as she wishes with your son which is also her grand son, even when her actions are just harmless. There might not be any usefulness described in your american dictionary or encyclopedia but people have been feeding the kids with sooji and sagu dana and other foods for a very valid reason. If anything, it is not going to harm your kid I am 200% sure. Again, she wants to remove the pacifier, you want that too, "but your own way".

You are basically troubled about your MIL's interference because you have become habitual of living on your own and doing the things your own way. This has nothing to do with whether it will harm the baby or not because it is not going to harm the baby as much as it is harming you.

Your MIL has her rights over her grand son and you cant deny that. A little generosity never hurts. You are with them for just a brief period, dont fret that much. Enjoy your stay with them.

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

I also don't find anything wrong with what the in-laws are suggesting. Its one thing if they are saying something that's not beneficial for the baby but seriously, take it easy.

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

I don't think you should wake your baby up but if the grand mother does then let her have him and you go rest.

Think of them as baby sitters

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

Please don't forget to start another thread when you go live with your parents and your mother feeds your baby and gives you advise.

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

Welcome to the Club. Went through the same when I took my son to Pakistan and paid $150 each extra to run back to USA. Husband did not visit Pakistan at that time but he did have new found respect for me when he learnt what I went through. Take your baby to the doctor and tell your MIL that you are following doctor's orders whenever you do something as you as a mother want.

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unwanted interference from mother in law

I'm amazed at how some people are so judgmental. I'm having these problems but I never said any single word to my MIL. My response is always a smile and then following up with what she's trying to say.

Yes Yes Yes I'm used to do things my way. When I was admitted to the hospital twice because if hyperemesis during my first trimester. No one came to help me. I thought I was Gina die. When I had a c section when my son was born no one came to help me. I didn't know how to deal with a newborn, got no single advice even after asking. I use to google each and everything and then use my mother's instinct.

I have nothing against my in law's. People I only asked for some positive words.

My baby's pediatrician told me not to feed anything made up with milk in Pakistan. They make suji halwa and sagu Dana with cow's milk in it. What wrong with being careful about that?

My sister in law's kids are adorable. I love them. If I'm worried that my baby do not put the same toys in his mouth that they have been sucking on, does that make me think that they r little devils. Please get a life. I was only worried about that no one stops them. They put things in their mouth then on the floor and then in my baby's mouth. I do not stop them from doing this all the time thinking that my Sister in law might mind. So I keep quiet and try to keep an eye on my son. What is wrong with that? My baby is already having flu with no fever and I'm sure it's bcos of this reason.

About pacifier, I'm already dealing with a lot of change. The hot weather, countless dawats, sleep deprived. Last thing I want is to keep my baby frustrated and fussy. I keep pacifier away from him as much as possible. But there is a time when he needs it because he is used to go sleep with it. If he doesn't get his paci at those times when he is sleepy, he starts crying, keep rubbing his eyes because of sleep but won't sleep. What's the harm in giving him paci for 5 minutes and once he is asleep then take it away.

My son's been teething and have had a fever b4 we came to pk. He looks a little weaker then before. My mother in law keeps mentioning him weak. She mentions it so much now that I started thinking if she's trying to put me on a guilt spot that I haven't taken care of my baby well. She even mentioned to take him to a pediatrician in Pakistan and see what he advices about his weight gain. I talked to my baby's pediatrician in USA and she says it's normal as far as the weight gain is steady.

About my side of the family. Again you guys are very judgmental and I regret posting my concerns on GS. My parents passed away. On my side of the family it's my Chacha and Chachi and my cousins. When I visit them, I not only get time to rest while they take care of him. my Chachi bathe him, feed him food/milk while I shower or sleep. They know I have had no help since pregnancy, they try to help. At my in law's ppl take him, play with him and he lands back to me. And it's just me taking care of him while we both deal with the new environment.

I'm trying hard to keep my in law's happy with me since it's my first time visiting them. Do not judge me, my intentions and my families. Some of your taunting comments shows how your mind takes you to think negative about a person with little info placed in front.

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unwanted interference from mother in law

And in response to hanibal's comment.
It's not abt being American or desi. There's nothing abt being superior or inferior. It's just abt dealing with a change of environment. As adults even my husband and my stomach got upset during the first week and we are talking about a baby here. Babies are delicate no? What's wrong with just being careful about that. And what's the point of being a mother if I do not worry or take care of my lil one while his body deals with a change of environment.

For all the advice, I really appreciate you guys. Thank you very much and I hope I do not need to start a new thread once I move to my side of the family.

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

^ well said.

this is one of those situations that can be extremely frustrating for a new, first time mother and frankly, unless you are a parent, or more specifically, a mother - since i don’t see fathers being harassed by their mil’s regarding their child’s care - placed in a similar circumstance, you cannot and do not know what its like.

my mother and MIL also said and did things, and continue to do so occasionally, that upset me. everyone is well meaning and well intentioned, DUH, but that doesn’t mean they’re always right, that they should always be listened to, or that their advice overrides the mother’s just because they love the child and are excited about him/her. it is a part of life that you need to get used to, sure, but it can be frustrating nonetheless. and in the OP’s case, she’s used to doing everything herself because she hasn’t had any help until now and i’m pretty sure she knows what she’s doing and is doing a great job. the inlaws need to calm down and trust in her instincts and follow her directions on her son’s care, not the other way around.

to the OP: do what you’ve been doing all along in terms of caring for your kid. smile and nod at your MIL’s suggestions, remove your child from the kids if they’re harassing him, clean the toys that go into his mouth, google sagu dana and figure out what its made of and if you want to feed it to him, and establish a particular routine/method of care regardless of what everyone around you is saying and doing. also, speak to your husband and involve him too, so he can communicate to his mother that you can handle your son yourself. above all, remember this is temporary and soon you’ll be with your chacha and chachi :hug:

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

I would not give whole fresh cow's milk in Pak. If it's the packaged milk, it's probably fine, tho, like I said, most of us in the West do not give cow's milk until after age 1.

As for the "weak" or "kamzor" thing, people almost always say that. Try to ignore it. My doctor even warned me about it, saying it's a common problem amongst his (Hispanic) relatives and patients, and wondered if it is the same for us desis. It is. :D

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Re: unwanted interference from mother in law

cherrybell,
When one comes on a forum, and posts their concern, they are bound to meet different kind of reactions. Just as no one is biased against YOU ( we don't even know you right) no one is taught here to be awwwwing and oooowing when a poster comes and starts a thread. People just come, read and reply according to what they find right or wrong. Your intentions might be all right and all that, but you cannot really start fuming against the posters just for posting what they feel like after reading your thread. Some people will agree with you, some wont. At the end of the day, many posters only wanted to show you the situation from their perspective which you might not be able to see at present. At the end of the day, its your life and your choice.