unhappy marriage.

Lifestyle Relationships
1

It is not the big things, maybe you wed-locked folks all suffer this. I dont know. Hes a 90percent good man, however its the small things that are making me unhappy. I am not sure if they are indeed small or not.
Like, when he asks for something for example to turn the tv off and lets sleep, he will expect me to turn it off asap, rather than me say, not yet i want to watch it, even if he says ok, hel sulk about it. just now, he was making the baby sleep while i was watching something ( its not a daily habit just some drama i like comes on once a week) and he was saying when does it finish, i said 1min, now after that 1min i went to clear up the other room and put the washing out, after few mins he got angry and was telling me off, he wouldve shouted had baby not been aslp/and others in house not aslp, anyway his voice was loud enough for baby to hear who woke up crying, and he just put her on her cot and told me to put her to slp, the way he put her into her cot, not in a gentle way, ok so he didnt slam her in, but gussein mein kiya, was enough. almost as if he couldve taken his anger out. didnt even understand what hes angry about.
other things like his manner can be harsh/quiet, he talks very formly to me in front of others, hes a very formal person, never gets involved in gupshup with people, keeps himself to himself. hes different when we alone, but i want him like that all the time. not so formal.
if i cook something and if he doesnt want to taste it, he wont.
if i ask him something, hel say ok ok in aminute in aminute..never when i ask.
if i ask the question why…to anything, he gets angry and says why u asking why…

ps.I never make him turn off tv, or whatever. even if i say stop playing games ( ps3) he will say ok one more game…sometimes he does listen, but he will still play until his interest finished then he will say ok you stop whatever ur doing too…

I had enough. I wish i never married him.

2

Re: unhappy marriage.

No comment.........

:D

3

Re: unhappy marriage.

Have you ever approached him to find out why he is like this? Have you guys taken time out to do things alone? Or maybe go out for some couple time? Has he changed recently? Was he always like this?

4

Re: unhappy marriage.

I am not experienced or anything so can't give you much advice. But man he's annoying! Lol. However, the part where you say he isn't social, I think that's because he's an introvert. Introverts are only frank with close people, so may be you shouldn't worry about changing his personality much. But one thing's for sure, these problems aren't so big that you should start regretting marrying him, since he must have done some good things too.

PS: put the TV in the lounge or some other room

5

Re: unhappy marriage.

hes just an informal guy, he prefers to stay home and not even go out with mates. even his dad asks me kay isse ghar say nikalo ( as in to go out and do something not stay at home like some housewife lol)

yeah he is always like this, everyone goes quiet around him, because hes so quiet and formal. ive seen my cosins husbands they all joke around in front of me to their wives, he calls her babes in front of me, and has a laugh and joke even at her expense, yes sometimes it can be odd, and i sued to think thank god my husband doesnt do all this in front of others, if i make bad food he wont say ewww in front of others, but tell me privatly, ive seen my cousins husband say infront of me eww whats this....

so i was thankful.

but now im annoyed at what i previously thought was nice. the fact that he gets angry, and is quietly angry and then has this horrible manner, i feel like i wish i had taken my time before saying yes. the thing that annoys me most is why cant he be all nice nice in fronf of others,make me feel special so everyone can see he loves me. he just acts so formal even to me infront of others.

anyway its the anger bit that bothers me, he just gets angry and never admits when hes wrong and never looks at himself, always points the finger.

6

Re: unhappy marriage.

None of these are reasons for regretting the marriage.

You might be a little too sensitive there. OR he may be needing some time to himself and does not want to be bothered.

One thing there.......getting angry part need attention.

O/W still no reason to regret.

Waiting for you to add some real serious horrible reasons to regret. :)

7

Re: unhappy marriage.

Don't take it the wrong way but maybe he is bored of you? I only say because this happened with my cousin. He was always quietly angry etc and over little or nothing he would get angry.

But I hope you resolve this matter, inshAllah.

8

Re: unhappy marriage.

Honestly i do not think its this. I know.

I think its because he knows il give in in the end, or that im the one who will go to him first to talk to him, or that im the one who if not today, or tomorrow will start to be nice and normal again. like i said he hardly ever comes to me first to say sorry, zidd zyda hai. i thought i was ziddi.I dont know otherwise what to do.

9

Re: unhappy marriage.

Well lets hope you are right! iA. Otherwise it will be a cause for concern.

The best way to resolve anything is to talk it out. Understand what his problem/issues/worries are? etc

All the best.

10

Re: unhappy marriage.

I do not wish to talk to him at all. or atleast make the effort.

11

Re: unhappy marriage.

Some guys are shy like that about expressing themselves in front of others. As someone once told me, every marriage has a different personality. So just like no two people are alike, no two marriages are either. Added to that, he might not have the social skills necessary to feel comfortable being that free in front of others.

The anger bit needs work. But what exactly do you want to do? Do you love him? Do you miss being with him? Do you want to work on your marriage? It sounds like you do in my opinion but you're hurt because of his attitude with you - and rightly so.

You have to.

Sara, your first step (again these are things people have told me over the years that have always been true) is to resolve to make things work.

Second will be to kill your ego (not saying you're egotistical but egos get in the way of understanding real feelings). They prevent us from getting to the root of the problem and also saying what we actually want to say.

Third will be to pick your battles...differentiate what potential conflict deserves a response and what doesnt. The more you fight, the more value your fight loses...hope I make sense here.

He just sounds like he needs to be reminded of what he has and to appreciate it. No one can give him that ehsaas but you.

12

Re: unhappy marriage.

thanks,

so what should i do. I do not want to talk to him. because of the fact that I DO all the time. Make the effort first. I want him to know how i feel. but when i talk to him, i dont think its serious for him. so i need to stop. tell me what to do please, although talking to him first, isnt something i want to do so please think of something else.

13

Re: unhappy marriage.

I think you need to tell him how you feel. He will NOT know it unless you tell him. Maybe you need to ask him what makes him angry and how he can in a peaceful manner communicate his emotions then getting angry.

14

Re: unhappy marriage.

Ask him directly why something as small as not turning the TV off the minute he asks you makes him so mad? Wait till it happens next time, don't go right now and ask him lol. And when you do bring it up, don't show any anger yourself.

15

Re: unhappy marriage.

This is such a tough situation, especially not knowing all the dynamics of your mrriage and relationship with one another. Something does need to be done (if you want things to improve between each other), because if things continue this way, then your feelings will most likely only get more negative. Is he that clueless to the effect he has on you, or does he just ignore it? Do you keep a stoic look/approach to him that he wouldn't be able to know what's really going on? Either way, you need to talk; privately, calmly, and explain your point of view and how it is affecting you. That is, if you want to change things. If not, things will eventually change , but most like for a more negative outcome over time. Hope things work out for the best for both of you and your child.

16

Re: unhappy marriage.

Sara if you don't confront him with the issue...and the anger still continues... the result?? Maybe he's frustrated at something at work and doesn't want to tell you...and vents it in your direction? Ofcourse that's wrong, but you have to take the first step AGAIN and ask him what bothers him most, and what can you do to help ease it?

Really hope things work out for you two iA!

Edit: by the time i started writing this post to the time when i posted...partyslims had already summed up what i was trying to say :)

17

Re: unhappy marriage.

You are seeing all faults in him.....and have nothing to look into your own behaviour??
You might be doing something which is not 'little things' for him.........

18

Re: unhappy marriage.

Sara you need to do two things :

  1. Stop expecting him to behave and act the way you want. If is not abusing you or anyone else in anyway then don't tell him or expect him to change. If he is not into ghupshup with others then that is most probably the way he has always been. If he has married you that does not mean that he will change over night and will behave the way you think is right. What you think and prefer may not be preferred by him . You both are individuals who are married and still have choices of your own. Respect him and love him the way he is.

  2. Don't give in to him when he gives you instructions to switch off TV etc. What I have written above also applies to you. You have a life and you have your own choices. If he has a problem with your watching TV then it's his problem what you can you is to relocate TV in another room so that his sleep does not get disturb. For all other things too he is not suppose to give you orders. When he tells you anything politely tell him that you will do it but at a time convenient to you. When I was married my ex once did not let me eat lunch for 2 long hours just bcz he was not feeling hungry and I listened to him even when I was pregnant and I was really hungry but it does no good. For the next time I told him that he can eat his lunch past 3 pm if he wants but I will have mine at 1 pm or whenever I will feel hungry. These qurbaniyan to make your husband happy does not get you anywhere. You both need to understand and respect each other wishes.

If you want you can go for a third party counselling also. Third party means someone who is not related to both of you in anyway and can act fair.

Remember you are married to him and you need to make this marriage work don't make any issue an EGO ISSUE . If you are the one who needs to take the 1st step then let it be that will not make you small or will disrespect you.

19

Re: unhappy marriage.

dear sara...

first of all u should know men r praud....they never accept their mistake directly specially if u point out on them...
mostly all ppl r like this but in men its more ...so never try to make him accept he is angry or did mistake directly...

instead when he gets angry u be quiet(its key to catch all human's heart)....its true wats annoying is that he gets angery fast so u need to put more time here & bear....

when he says something & then get angry u be queit & then dont reply or debate but get silent but go back & try to be normal...when his anger will gone then u say that see if i was doing same as u wat u would feel?

when u r in happy time make a topic to express ur feelings & needs & thats sharing life needs care from both side...

but if its still problem there u try to show his work by repeating his words & reminding its same as he is doing...i dont mean u start to be same as him...wrong wrong...but i mean make same as he does & tell him this is the way he does & does he wish that u do like this? if he says no so u say im also human i also wish to be treated well.....but if he says yes u say so it seem like u wish to fight & we will do so dont blame on me if im doing same...
but any wise guy wont say yes...

but mostly when u r so nice ppl thinks thats ur duty...always remind ur goodness & ur kindness toward him & make him feel that u r doing for loving him....& also u express wat u like & u dont like while asking him same....

20

Re: unhappy marriage.

Sara, based on what you have written ...i am getting the impression that you want your husband to act the way you see your friends'/cousins' husbands act...which is not possible...he has his own personality which is introvert(as other posters have mentioned) and you cant make him go against his nature...some people dont like to have public display of affection, it makes them uncomfortable.....so you have to adjust with it....

secondly, his anger...that you have to talk about with him....Dont let your ego come your way...does not matter if you make the first move...as long as it floats your boat....may be there is something bothering him about you and he is unable to point it out to you...so it would be better to if discuss it with him....and regretting for the marriage which had your consent? itni jaldi?...nothing is so easy in life...you have to struggle to make things better.....put in your best effort...hope things will get better for you InshAllah:)

ps. you say he is 90% good...what else do you need...if he becomes 100% good then he wont be called a human...he will become an angel:p...