Just when I thought I’d seen everything… my mother-in-law is now ‘dying’ because my husband told her that our kids will not be marrying their cousins.
The last time dh was in Pakistan, my SIL was pushing for an engagement date for her son. She seems to think that as soon as my daughter is 16, we can do the nikkah so that her son can come here to study more easily. My other SIL has had her eye on my son for awhile, and wanted to ‘formalize the understanding’. My husband said no to both, and then all hell broke loose. Apparently we have ruined everyone’s life because SIL #1 and family had her son’s future planned out, and we have made our 12 year old niece unmarriageable because “everyone” (except us) knew that we had an understanding. My MIL is having ‘heart pains’ amd now it’s her ‘dying wish’ to see these marriages take place, which makes my husband feel like an ass. We have said all along when people have asked that our kids will choose their own spouses and that we aren’t in favor of cousin marriages, and no one else in the family gets married till their well in their 20s, so we are clueless as to where all this ‘understanding’ business came from. How blatant does a person have to be? And now how do we sort out this nonsense?
Absolutely - I've been hearing that one since they were toddlers. I hardly think that giving your child a choice in their future constitutes bad parenting.
By the way, we haven't even directly discussed this with our kids yet, because we don't want them stressed about it.
If the MIL has chosen this method of 'dying' then more power to her. Tell her that there are more eminent elements that need priority, such as her funeral arrangements, then worrying about the marriage possibilities of 12 year olds.
I know it is easier said than done but really you have to make sure your husband is not emotionally exploited ot blackmailed by his mother. He must be absolutely clear about his conscience that he is not doing anything wrong in not fulfilling the unreasonable wishes of his mother.
No one else in the family puts up with this crap, and no one else has been blackmailed into marriage, as far as I know. Which is why it takes us completely by surprise when these things come up. My husband and I have no intention of getting our kids married, but I can't believe the stunts that some people will try to pull to get their way.
But it does make you wonder - how many people from so-called "educated and middle-class" families end up in similar situations. "Beta/beti please let your daughter/son marry ____ we only have your best interest at heart. We know them better than anyone, and their marriage will be blessed. Oh, and by the way, can we do it early before he starts uni?" Then when you actually say no, all hell breaks lose.
oh wow you're lucky that your husband's family wants anything to do with your mixed kids... in my family, me and my older sister are totally disrespected and hated cuz we're not 100% paki... and so the last time I went to pakistan was a DISASTER!! My dad's family is much more accepting than my stepmoms (even though shes my dad's cousin...) but wowww my stepmom's family didn't want us going out in public with them and whatnot, and i wasnt allowed to talk about my real maternal grandmother, me and my sister had rumors spread about us, it was crazy...!!
I think your MIL would be much in emotional pressure because of her daughters (or probably because of their husbands and inlaws too) thats why she could be forced too to do this kinda emotional drama to persuade you and your husband. you should really try to understand these family dramas when someone, usually elders of the family are forced to do something; doesnt matter whether they want it or dont want it to do. anyway she should not be the one to blame. your husband should blantly make it clear to his Sisters (directly) that what he want for his kids.
This is isn't hard to understand. Your MIL is trying to do what she thinks is best for her kids (ur SILs) while you just do what is best for your kids. Convey the same message to ur MIL ans she'll understand, "slowly" (lets hope).
Stick to your guns, Amana! Don't get emotionally blackmailed into any sort of "arrangement." And how on earth does your MIL know that once grown, your children (and the children of your SIL's) will agree to this match? Play the education angle "Oh we can't even think of marriage right now, we're so busy with their educations."
