One of the most difficult thing to do is to understand women. One of my friends who got married couple of years ago with the one whom he loved like anything is at pains these days. Things arent working well for them. He shared some of his feelings which made me feel sad for them. My conclusion to the story is that none of the two are at fault but somehow their failure to understand themselves has made so much void in their relationship that they are hardly to continue. My other observation is that women are most difficult to understand.
May I have your opinion as to what cause them so and what is the best way to handle them especially when one is in trouble with them? I would be thankful if I get an honest feedback from females themselves.
You want to know why women are difficult to understand?
how long have you got?
seriously, there is no answer here and there most probably never will be, too many issues involved.
You say that both your friend and his wife had a "failure to understand themselves" having said this, how can you say "My other observation is that women are most difficult to understand." arent you being a tad bit biased here? If the niether one of them are to blame then how is this the womans fault?
Don't get me wrong, im not saying that woman are easy or hard to understand, i just don't understand why you think its the womans inablity to be understood thats at fault when you'v already "observed" that neither of them are to blame?
I personally dont think its fair to say women are complicated. I have seen many a men alike. You know, you cant just clap with one hand. So if a couple has a problem, mostly its both their fault to some extent. You cant just blame the wife or the husband for all of it. Mostly, its communication issues. Most women tend to share EVERYTHING and men try to share NOTHING. Thats just in our nature. The best couple will probably overcome this difference and meet somewhere in the middle. Again, if communication is not the issue, it is only understandable to take some time for people to get used to each other after they are married. Made sense?
I have found him to be willing to share and solve problems. Whenever they have met and tried to discuss, its his wife who is not focussed to the issue. There are so many trivial things that she brings along when talking about big issues hence problems are getting bigger. I am not biased and if I say that none of them are at fault I give conscession to her owing to mysterious nature that women have. I say that when so much is at stake one has to be rational and strive to find way outs instead of running int he circles which I believe is her nature in this case.
hmmm
sorry to hear about your friend's problems SS
im not sure what issues exactly your friend is facing. if its just something between them or there are external factors involved. if there r some main issues or just everyday fights. is it just that they r both tired or frustrated coz of other issues and taking it out on each other?
i agree with Ira that taali dono haathon so bajti hae, and so ur friend needs to look into his behavior as well and see where he is wrong.
after all at one point they did love each other and i am sure they still do. its just a matter of crossing the bridges and they most prolly both in their hearts want reconciliation and a happy marital life, but its prolly ego thats stopping them. ive usually seen that to be the case.
u asked abt women: i think they need to be given a feeling of care, protection and security. usually most women, atleast pakistani women, are also deeply faithful and never go back on their commitment, because that is how we have been raised and the idea that has been ingrained into our minds. your friend should somehow make her feel how important she is to him and that he cares for her. i think women are very sacrificing and easy to convince and also forgiving so she will most probably reciprocate many folds over if he just shows her some care.
as for the void in their relationship, my plea is: don't give up. no void is such that it cannot be filled. i have seen couples fight so much and reach such terribble points but then also get back together normally. they shud put their efforts towards reconciliation.
my best wishes :-)
If this was a thread about men being incomprehendible I am sure a few of them would have by now sai stuff like…thats how we are, its in our nature, we don’t change and don;t expect us to change…blablabla. 
SS give more detail. What sort of trivial issues are these that she can’t let go of. What caused the void? Are her issues valid- trivial or non-trivial?
its his wife who is not focussed to the issue. There are so many trivial things that she brings along when talking about big issues hence problems are getting bigger.
Simple solution and explanation. (I dont know if this is the only problem, but its the only example you've given).
What a female finds to be problematic might not be the same thing that a male finds problematic. I dont know what it is about ladies and nitpicking on little details. I try really hard not to do it, so I dont know if its an education factor maybe? Maybe that if you've been out there in the real world and dealt with life like a man does...that you tend to see the big picture instead of little details. My mother does this ALL the time to my father.
They WILL see small details as being BIG problems. Its a matter of perspective - your guy friend just doesn't see these little details as problematic.
Also, she might realize where the big picture is and know that she's complaining about details...its just that she wants to vent it out and she sees her husband as the right partner to do that with.
So, basically, it would help if he patiently listens to her as she rambles on about irrelevant things. Once it is out of her system, she'll see herself that its nonsense. And if she still doesn't see that, he needs to patiently guide her onto leaving those matters aside and discussing the major ones.
Now what I have in mind is an example like where he's talking about moving out of his mother's house and getting a separate house, and all she wants to do is bicker about his sisters. But if its something more fuzzy, like um...the things they find important about their relationship with each other, intimate things...it can get more complicated. Sometimes, she may even be right about her little details.
And also, she might be picking up on something that he's not. Um...like my mother will always pick up behavior in her in-laws that seems sketchy and my father wont see it. And then next thing you know the in-laws have started some sort of fight or problem...but she saw it coming along the whole time?
I guess women do tend to worry over little things when men say, oh get ovet it, whats the big deal? And sometimes its not a big deal. If i were to give your friend any advice, I would ask him to pay attention to her problems as well as the ones he has. Maybe not listening to him is her indirect (although not a good way) way of saying that she wants him to listen to her. Ahmedjee had a very good point in another thread abt a 5 min rule. Listen to her for 5 mins uninterrupted and then do the same for your friend. As I said before, in most couples, communication is the main issue. And I would advise your friend not to be hastey. Try to get to the bottom of this and dont give up on her.
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I give conscession to her owing to mysterious nature that women have..
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That is possily why you don't understand "us" anaar daanai ( thats my new phrase) maybe if you expected women to be more like poeple and less like mystical beings you'd be half way to enlightenment on the matter of females.
I am a simple creature myself. Give me some food, nice clothes, some handbags a hug and 100% of your attention for eternity and I am content.
To make me happy, tell me I am beautiful and mean it.
Voila, women in a post, what more could you ask for (apart from eternal riches and the such).
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*Originally posted by Seedha Saada: *
I have found him to be willing to share and solve problems. Whenever they have met and tried to discuss, its his wife who is not focussed to the issue. There are so many trivial things that she brings along when talking about big issues hence problems are getting bigger. I am not biased and if I say that none of them are at fault I give conscession to her owing to mysterious nature that women have. I say that when so much is at stake one has to be rational and strive to find way outs instead of running int he circles which I believe is her nature in this case.
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sounds like she doesnt want problems to be solved but then again if he wants to be with her he HAS to listen to her
Hm…notice how all the girls say the same thing. He needs to LISTEN
Its all gets reduced to emotions in some way or the other.
well offcourse..if he doesnt know wat the problem is, hows he gonna solve it
sometimes i feel bad for men..poor things
i think they both need to listen to each other
i'v known women who turn into freaks once they get married, and im taking major freaks,its not the blokes fault, i feel sorry for some of them too.
THAT is why a woman should really have a job or a hobby of some sort. So she doesn't drive her family insane.
Maybe suggest that to your friend?
You've only listened to your friend's story. Why don't you try listening to his wife's story?
I'm sure that will provide with a better picture and perhaps a better look at what has really gone wrong.
Men are just as difficult to understand as women. In fact, men are may be slightly more difficult to understand.
They lack the power of properly expressing themselves and they do not provide much emotional support. They're lost in their own weird world. Not to forget they are not even half as caring and loving as women in general.
i have understood em..i think they are leeches..
Thank you all for yor time and well put suggestions. I have also listened to her story as well and that goes like:- "His wishing her birhtday was so pheeka that she hated it right away. He called from office to ask what do I need so that he gets it when he is back and he does it so routinely that I dont like saying it and prefer buying myself. He comes tired home. He cares a whole lot for his sisters and all (the couple live independently) He loves to listen to his siblings and sisters and understand them wholeheartedly while I have to struggle to make him understand. (Siblings are those who have been with you since you were kids or to say since beginning and understanding them is quite natural while wife is a new entry with a whole new world of her own and it takes a little to get along.) {I would term this, a sort of jealousy, I admit I might be wrong but thats how I think it is}
So, to pay him back what does she do is she slams doors, isnt mostly home when he returns (she goes to her parents and friends), doesnt care if the food is ready when he is hungry, pressurises for more amenitites than he can afford, pressurises for outing and when they go out she doesnt even say where she wishes to go and blames him to be lame to find out places to go, blah blah and blah.
His mistakes now. He gets irritated to be in argument for long and looses temper (says he has been through such arguments for more than once and it makes him feel agitated) He spends more time in his office now to avoid her and this makes her feel terrible and she looses temper when he gets back home.
Enough for now for you to read and digest and rethink and reput your arguments. Listening is important I know but when it isnt there, there is some major fault somewhere. To term men to be less listening is a folly. Somehow listening gets abandoned and there are reasons behind it.
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*Originally posted by Seedha Saada: *
Some are beautiful and some talented, some caring, some witty....None is rich with the essential attributes my soul longs for......Something is missing in everyone!
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saada jee, your sig is wrong.
i am perfect.
So, to pay him back what does she do is she slams doors, isnt mostly home when he returns (she goes to her parents and friends), doesnt care if the food is ready when he is hungry, pressurises for more amenitites than he can afford, pressurises for outing and when they go out she doesnt even say where she wishes to go and blames him to be lame to find out places to go
I’m so sorry, but this is the funniest thing I’ve read in the past 9 months, I think.
I can’t even begin to explain this behavior, I’m laughing so hard. Lemme let it all out first, and then we’ll rationally discuss this.
This is too good.
A typical scene after a few years of marriage.
I suggest the two need to take time off from their regular schedule/routine. Perhaps they can go somewhere for a few days and for that they'll have to mutually decide some place to go.
All I could say is it all sounds so typical and predictable.
Their relationship sounds quite bad already. They really gotta sit down and talk out their differences patiently.
Hope it all works out for'em, insha'Allah.