typical desi problem !! solutions ?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

^not practical...... the bhabhi is of the types who wouldn't even treat their husbands as husbands unless they get their separate home........so no......its not going to work..

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i think ur wrong :snooty:

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

:hinna:

This is what I’m saying about being judgemental..

Anyone with half a heart would respond to what I said over time.. You have to admit it’s definitely worth trying

If they want to get a separate home then fine.. but it would be better if they did it in a manner so as to not create negativity and thus further problems.. It just seemed from the post that if this did happen it would be with giant grudges and reluctance

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

Your bhabi maybe should put a little more effort into looking after her husband, but she has full right to ask for seperate living quarters.

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

if your brother is not moving...ask your mother to move...either ask her to move to your father, or move in with you. (even a month or two should be enough)

your brother wont do anything...and its pointless to stress over your bhabi cuz she is not going to change.

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

Just a few questions that I hope ull answer...

Why isn't she working? Did you guys put forth that condition that she not work (as some families do) or is it out of her own free will?
Has she ever practiced medicine?

Was this discussed prior to the marriage? Maybe she didn't feel it's safe because its just the two women alone at home?

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

To Multinicked:

I'm curious about one thing that I did not see mentioned in your original post. You wrote this marriage was 100% arranged. BEFORE the wedding, did YOUR parents/brother make it crystal clear to the girl and her parents that after marriage, the girl will immediately move in with the MIL and will not have her separate living space? Did the girl and her parents know and agree to her moving in with your mom BEFORE the wedding took place?

You also wrote that the girl is a doctor but not working. How did that happen? As in, did she have a job before the wedding? Or did she just graduate medical school and never held a job?

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

thanks everyone for your input. she is currently at her mom's place for the weekend and once she's back, mom will discuss with both of them about moving to the other portion of her place. What I personally feel is that bhabi is totally being brainwashed by her mom (who according to bhabi had a very tough time all her life living with IL's and is probably applying the same formula on her daughter without even thinking that she married to a big joint family and her daughter married to the only son in a family who has no major financial or other liabilities) and she is blindly following what she is being taught : typical formula keh itna tang karo keh agla majboor ho kay nikaal day ! My mom is of the opinion that since she can fore-see things getting worse if nothing changes, she doesnt want a time when there will be direct confrontations and arguments b/w everyone ,so she wants things to settle in peace right now. Bhabi keeps telling between lines 'finally I have to live separately,so I will be using my furniture/electronics later' which seems she is pre-fed that she should live alone..so why not uska yeh shauq poora kar diya jaye ! She is not realising that there is no general formula that didnt work for her mom and will work for her. she should act and deal with the family she got married to according to their circumstance rather than taking unnecessary steps that she or mom feel would have worked for her mom if she did those in her time.

I am totally sure that she will not be able to bear the responsibilities of taking care of a whole unit,kitchen,laundry,etc and she will IA realise that it was much easier for her to stay together and things will get better soon IA. ( this may sound a stupid thought to some of you but since most of the people on this forum donot live in Pakistan and sre used to taking care of job AND home alone, it is not as easy here since most of the girls have no concept of managing thing alone) There have been no arguments/direct confrontations yet and the only way to avoid is letting her do what she thinks is right.

about my brother, yes, it is his fault totally imo and since he cannot handle both sides, living separately will make things tough for him financially and emotionally (he is really attached with his room and was even upset when we removed his bed,etc to replace with his wife's bedroom furniture) but he has to pay for being insensitive and coward. we cannot help !

Few questions that some people asked:

she has recently graduated and doing her housejob which is 4-5 hours a day. we had no reservations on her working or not working. when her parents asked my parents earlier, my mom said that it is totally upto the couple to decide about that. if she can manage her job with the responsibilities of her home and kids later , she should go ahead with working and postgraduation. her mom agreed because she is a doctor too and has been a working lady and a home-maker all her life so we had positive expectations from bhabi as well.

and no, she lives at 10 minutes drive and hasnt came from another city/country.

about jewellery and money, that's something never discussed ( and was not revealed until asked which is quite upsetting too) and it was really annoying to know that her parent didnt feel it was 'safe' here , yet they knew their beloved daughter was safe at such an unsafe place ? there have been instances where ILs are later blamed to 'chori' all the jewellery when the jewellery is actually passed on back to the girl's/or even the boy's family secretly already .. so we never know what had to follow next since we both families are new to each other and cannot judge anyone ! anyways we had no reservations about she keeping the jewellery or even her mom keeping it in her bank safe or wherever but that was something atleast the girl should have brought into notice of her husband ! no ?

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

^its really obvious.....get them to move to a separate place........ its better to do it now amicably...so that people stay on talking terms and stuff.....rather than letting things blow out and do it at the end....

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Hmm.. you're mum seems like she knows what she's doing. I hope it works out well :)

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

I wonder how girls cannot live in such easy and small in-laws family? Would it not have been better if thr girl's parents had made it clear that she will be living separately after marriage? Living separately is considered a right by girls these days but it is usually understood by in-laws that a newly married married girl will be living with in-laws unless otherwise stated by any party. Its best to discuss all these issues before marriage rather than having such problems later.

This situation now can only be resolved by making the couple live separately. The MIL can discuss if there is anyway the DIL can live with her (like with the provision of full time maids, MIL agreeing to not interfere at all in DILs life etc). If the DIL is still adamant to move separately, this should be done immediately. The daughters can care for their mother along with full time maids and nurses etc. Better not to expect anything from DIL. Ask the guy to care for the mother and you should all pray Allah Swt that He softens the DIL's heart in the future. Caring for elders and patients is our basic teachings by Islam and although people insist that its not the duty of DIL, and you can just pray that the DIL has enough Allah ka khauf to be available to your mother in times of need.

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

I am not sure what do you exactly mean by the first part but still..it was quite obvious to them that there are only two people living in the lower portion of the house ( it is a big house, over 1 kanal with 6 bedrooms, i dont know how do you calculate in sq. ft ) and they even had seen around the place with intention of arranging for jahaiz which my parents were totally against since the house is fully furnished already but they said it is 'khushi' of their daughter and they arranged the bedroom furniture according to the current room of my brother which makes it quite clear that though not discussed in words,they knew where she is going to live once she is here ( i dont know if there has to be any such discussion because my ILs are basically not from the same city and are from a small village but my husband works here still I and my parents knew that I will be living wherever my husband / his family lives because if it was really an issue for me, i would have stated clearly prior to marriage, isnt this what happens unless demanded by the parents of the girl ?? or maybe this is what happens in Pakistan that it is known that she will stay with the family when you are finding a match for a guy with family ? unless the guy is working abroad and parents have concerns if their daughter will be moving with the guy or staying back ?)

she has just graduated few months back and didnt start working until shadi and has joined her housejob with her regular session with her own will and there have been no delays due to any reason in that.

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

housejob here is a training of one year for the graduates and is usually 6 hours a day, that's flexible for females and she is usually free earlier than that since she is working with her father's unit is the hospital, again this was her own decision to work with her dad so she doent have to work for long hours

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

I know :bummer: but i was just trying to see opinion of different people here to see of there could be another way out ? maybe talking to my bhabi would help .. but I am afraid it could be either ways .. she might get offended and our relation gets sour ?

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

mom visits dad every few months. she has lived out of pakistan all her life and now after coming back since few years,she has special affinity with the home because they built it over the years with their savings AND my dad hates to stay here in pakistan with all the corruption and garmi and unrest ! no other reasons !

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

So she is working? sorry I am a little confused?

You say she knew she was living with parents ( which is assumed in pakistan) but did she think she would be living upstairs? or is she just asking that now after the marriage? did your brother maybe say to her before the marriage that they will move upstairs and thats why she is asking so much?

How old is your bhabi and how old is your brother?

You know although it is expected in pakistan shifting from free uni life just chilling with friends and living at home with mum and dad to fullfilling wifely duties and not texting friends (whether this is right or wrong) is very difficult.

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

I can appreciate it’s a tricky situation for you :hugz:

I would not recommend telling her directly exactly for the reason you menioned: she’ll probably get offended. Let your mum talk to the couple regarding moving upstairs. She seems like she does want to move so I guess it’s something she’ll have to persuade her husband about.

As for what you should do, I’d advise just remaining civil and friendly towards her. I can appreciate you feel like your mum’s being treated unjustly but when you talk to your babhi try not to let your frustrations show (It’ll be difficult I know). Just let her be. I’d still advise maintaining a loving and kind manner towards her as I mentioned in my first post. Inshallah things will work out.

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

I also agree with inspiron: The shift from single to married life is obviously going to be difficult.. more difficult for some people than others. That's why I said earlier to try and empathise with her a bit. Maybe she doesn't help out much because she doesn't think it's expected of her? There might be some communication gap (I know you think that girls should be taught to expect these things after marriage but not everyone will have that sort of upbringing especially if her own mother had issues with her inlaws). You imply thaat she's quite chalaak in her thinking.. but perhaps you should try looking at it all a little differently? Perhaps she's been brought up to behave this way as a survival mechanism - something that she's picked up from her mother's experiences. If you act distant and cold with her now or if you directly confront her about this issue, it will only reinforce her stereotype that in laws are evil. Do you see what I'm saying?

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

I think the couple needs to be separated as suggested by MIL, it will help both the groom and bride mature and take responsibility. At the moment neither of them are acting mature.

I also think it is not okay of you to blame the SIL and not your brother who wants to raise his family on his father's earnings.

[QUOTE]

now about the son/groom : he has problems with spending money since always ; and his ONLY reservation/comments for NOT moving in another portion is 'kharcha' (since the FIL is taking care of expenses now , he knows he will have to spend on his part of the household when living separately he has a good job and earning 90k+ pak rs a month so non affordability is not an issue). He has NO guts talking/discussing with the bride for anything and wants the things to stay the way they are when his working hours are 12 hours a day and he comes back home all tired ; while the MIL gets highly irritated with all the stress in the home because her son never said he doesnt want to move because he doesnt want to leave her alone , the only problem he has is 'ooper bahut kharcha ho jayega mera' ( he knows neechay tau abu kar rahay hain na) and 'ooper bahut garmi hoti hai, wifey says winters may shift ho jayengay' AND' ooper uss se sub manage nahin hoga' (yeah , mom is sick and she is a free servant for you and your wife here )

[/QUOTE]

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Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

I think your dad needs to come back and look after his wife. If your mom’s 65, I’m assuming he’s older and should probably retire.

Not cool. Should have taken her back to her mom’s place to have it collected and brought back to the house.

Definitely not cool.

I actually always wondered what the point of ‘jahaiz’ was. If the girl’s moving into another house then most likely she doesn’t need to bring anything with her assuming (and most likely) the house already has all the essentials and then the toys (electronics and such) anyways. Now, since she did bring Jahaiz it’s only fair she be allowed to use it and it not be stored away and not be touched. If the groom’s family accepts jahaiz then they should also put it to use.

Not cool. He’s making decent cash and should spend it accordingly. He should take his wife out for dinner and of course move ‘upstairs’ and fix up the place.

It defintely sounds like she’s upset about something. I am a big believer in talking things through and perhaps the two of them should take a mini-vacation to distance themselves from outside interference, get to know each other and also discuss what then can do for each other to solve the current situation. It’s all abouts ze communication!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5Ain15tsxk