FIL works and stays in another country ; MIL is 65yrs old, has some health issues with backaches,knee replacement surgery advised for a knee injury, and heart problems, three SILs are happily married and settled in their homes, the only son gets married (totally arranged marriage) and his bride (who is a doctor,recently graduated and strted with a housejob) does the following:
swipes all the gold jewellery and money on 7th day of shadi without even knowledge of her husband and when asked after 2 weeks to wear some jewellery on a family dinner,she discloses it is with her mom already because she thought it was not safe at ILs.
doesnt help at all with any chores at home, busy with lying in bed all day,texts A LOT on the cell phone (even the husband complains that she is never totally free to talk ever) and laptop all day besides standing infront of a mirror and ironing HER clothes all day (it’s already 3 months since shadi and imo honeymoon period is over?) Despite polite requests from MIL and husband to atleast take care of her husband’s stuff (mil explained that since it is an arranged marriage,small gestures and stuff will bring them closer) and as a result, the son seems to loose interest in his wife as well and doesnt care if she is off to her mom’s place for days neither does ever plans dinners,outings with her anymore.
the bride’s jahaiz is all in the upper storey of the house , packed, because the portion where they live is completely decorated/done with all the essentials,electronics,etc and there seemed no need to arrange her stuff there. She keeps saying ‘finally I have to go settle upstairs, so I will use MY jahaiz one day’ when there has never been any such discussion/intentions earlier because there seemed no need/sense to send them in another portion of the house when there is already lots of space and no one besides the mil living there.
MIL thinks the only solution is to tell the couple to live in the upper portion of the house separately because she thinks this is creating friction b/w everyone since the bride is never there to help her or even herself with laundry,chores,etc while MIL expects her to atleast take care of her husband, help in kitchen once in a while,etc. the bride’s mom is very interfering, and already demanded the MIL to let her daughter stay and live independantly when it was only few days after marriage and most probably she has been telling the bride to not to participate in anything until she is let live separately.
now about the son/groom : he has problems with spending money since always ; and his ONLY reservation/comments for NOT moving in another portion is ‘kharcha’ (since the FIL is taking care of expenses now , he knows he will have to spend on his part of the household when living separately he has a good job and earning 90k+ pak rs a month so non affordability is not an issue). He has NO guts talking/discussing with the bride for anything and wants the things to stay the way they are when his working hours are 12 hours a day and he comes back home all tired ; while the MIL gets highly irritated with all the stress in the home because her son never said he doesnt want to move because he doesnt want to leave her alone , the only problem he has is ‘ooper bahut kharcha ho jayega mera’ ( he knows neechay tau abu kar rahay hain na) and ‘ooper bahut garmi hoti hai, wifey says winters may shift ho jayengay’ AND’ ooper uss se sub manage nahin hoga’ (yeah , mom is sick and she is a free servant for you and your wife here )
What I fail to understand is WHY dont parents of such thoughts and girls like these go to an orphanage and find their daughters a husband to get married to if they have no sense to teach their daughters to live peacefully in a joint family rather than acting up all decent during the rishta process and then spoon-feeding their daughters to create an atmosphere in a household so that they are forced to get rid of the couple by any means? this is not even a joint family ! just a mom living with them ! OR maybe find a match where the guy lives in another country and they know already that their daughter will be moving anyways and live ‘independantly’ (that’s another issue that the girl has problems lifting her finger for anything and is the laziest person ever) ? Why find a proper ‘family setup wala larka’ and create problems immediately after the wedding ?
what should be the solution (if the whole post makes sense )
btw,I am one of the SILs here and cannot see mom in stress. she is even ready to let my brother live separately for the sake of her mental peace and is thinking to move with dad in another country but I and my sisters hate to let her go and not seeing her for months if she goes
I have seen people responding with bongay comments and non serious replies in serious threads. so anyone with any such comment/ideas,please stay away from this and thanks, I dont need your input !
Ok from a daughter's point of view it is disturbing to see their parents in distress. If your mom is a good mother in law, as you sound she is, i see no reason your bhabi shouldnt take care of her. Apart from everything else, thats bad on human grounds. Obviously daughters consider it the responsibility of their brother and bhabhi to take care of their old parents as they have to get married and go live somewhere else. But sadly we cannot generalise the situation. Just as every mother in law is not bad, every daughter in law is not good and caring. It would have been your good luck if your bhabhi were humane enough, but if she is not, who do you think will come and tell her to when your brother himself sounds quite insensitive towards the situation (wo bechari as he refers to his wife). Well I believe if your own aulaad is defective why to complain of the other's aulaad? Now that she doesnt do any chores and keeps standing in front of the mirror and keeps ironing her clothes, had you people discussed it prior to marriage that she would have to take care of this and this responsibility when she is married. Had you defined to her the proper duties of a daughter in law? Common sense tells such things are not decided prior to marriage. they are understood. but common sense also tells if someone doesnt want to lend a hand in chores you cant enforce them or hate them for that? Are you people prosperous enough to afford a maid/ cook? If not then I think your bhabhi should but well how can we decide the course of action for others? the best we can do is identify our own weaknesses and acknowledge them.
The best course anyway should have been your brother realised the situation and had talked to his wife in a polite manner, telling her what is expected of her now she is married. That her parents interfere well how can someone's parents give birth, bring up, marry their children and then abandon them, forget altogether to keep contact with their children? Dont you go and share with your mom whenever any problem arises? Now Im not God forbid comparing you with your sister in law. Ofcourse you sound much decent and considerate and she sounds like an insensitive person. But as a matter of fact until your brother realizes, no one can blame her for not doing chores and not taking care of your mom. For such people hidayat comes from Allah only. You mom should pray to Allah that He may guide their only son to be obedient and caring towards his parents first and realize his own responsibilities. His wife comes next. You sisters can also help your mother out in the distress in your own ways too. SHe is your mother also and masha Allah you are three. Dont let her feel now you all are married she is left alone and in distress. Daughters are the best sharers and companions. I hope you' all are playing your role well yourselves too.
Also, you sisters conduct a meeting with your brother only; the siblings sharing kind of thing, and try to make him realize your mom needs his and his wife's cooperation and that he should tactfully bring his wife to manageable terms. Maybe he will listen to you people.
Although not related to the main issue, I'm curious to know if the only reason your parents are staying away from each other is because you guys hate to see her away from you? or perhaps her health issues?
well this is a common issue faced by every other house nowadays.. tomo you'll be married and one of your SILs would be posting here talking about your ruthless behaviour and your innocent and misery-stricken (in her eyes) MIL. Anyways from a feminist's point of view your bhabi has the full liberty to do whatever she wants, who're you or who's your mother to instruct her what needs to be doing? from an Islamic and logical point of view since she's married a guy who has a mother, and that mother is sick , then she def needs to understand this situation and take care of her as her own mother because she's associated to her husband. now if she's not doing that then your parents and girls' parents should sit together and sort it out.
I think it would be best for the daughter in law to move out, this way she'll have to cook/clean and everything since there's no help. From an Islamic point of view the daughter in law has no obligation to care for the mother in law since it's the son's job, however, morally it would be the right thing to do and obviously the favourable thing to do as a muslim.
We had the same problem in my mums family, my grandma now lives in a seperate house with a few servants and each sister takes turns to go visit and help out on a weekly basis. I know that your mother must have had expectations and dreams of living with this daughter in law and playing happy families but this isn't really an ideal situation so you just have to move on. Also, since the son lives upstairs if some sort of emergency occurs help is always around. Girls like the daughter in law never change and never stop complaining, the best way is to let them get on with their own lives. It sucks, but it's life! I hope it works out for you all! :)
Ure mom gave birth to ure brother. Not ure bhabi. Agar beta apna nahi hai, why blame the bhabi? Not all girls have that kinda decency and sense. Its upto ure bro who btw is just as selfish as ure sil, as he is only thinking bout saving his own dime by not seperatng.
Not cuz he cares for his mom, just for money. If he had the brains, the situation would be very diff right now...
Sorry, but thats just how u made him come across from ure post.
Your post is incredibly biased. You have to realise your bhabi is a human being too.. Seeing her as some kind of evil monster is really not going to help the situation. The more you feel that way, the more she will subconciously pick up on it from your behaviour, the more she'll feel distant from you and the other in laws. She's here on her own whilst there's three SILs and a MIL. I hope you can appreciate that this can easily become a 'me' vs 'them' situation.
I'm not saying that the way she's acting is right, I'm just saying you have to approach it differently. Try to empathise with her: she's just started married life and is trying to enjoy it the best she can. To you it may appear lazy, but you have to put that to one side if you want to resolve the situation. Try to focus yourself on some positive aspects of her personality and once you've made your approach a little more neutral I would suggest befriending her. Make her feel comfortable and welcome rather than as a stranger to the household. Then once you're more friendly with each other you can casually ask her to do a little job like iron a suit or wash a couple of dishes. If you act as a coompanion to her, I don't see why she'll refuse. Then praise her for it in a kind but not too over the top way. Always make her feel like her presence is a blessing in the household and I'd suggest you advise your mother to act in the same way.
The thing is, if you approach her or your brother saying she isn't fulfilling her duties/ isn't caring for your mother etc etc it will automatically make her defensive and if anything, will make her feel even more distant from you guys. You have to win her over with kindness and love. If you like, you can suggest hiring a maid to help everyone out to diffuse the situation.
I hope you don't take offense but I very strongly disagree with the approach that you've taken against your bhabi. Regarless of whether they move to the top portion, or to another house: The most important thing here is not who completes the housework but whether there is love and peace in the family. This will require you being very wise in the way you handle the situation and a lot of patience on your behalf. I really hope you understand what I'm trying to say and implement it to stop this becoming a typical inlaws vs bahu battle.
I feel really bad after reading this situation. All i can say is that before we point fingers at the dil, what about your own brother? Your mother's own son? What the hell happened to him. Dils come way after but if your own son is being such a loser how can you expect someone from outside to be kind and caring towards you. Today's time is such that nobody bothers about you unless you are feeding them money or whatever they need. But atleast we expect the kids, your own family members to be with each other and care for each other. That's the saddest part where your own kids fail you. I really feel sorry for your mother but i am sure Allah will not leave these people unpunished for what they are doing to your mom.
I would suggest either of you 3 daughters somehow manage having your mom stay with you guys turn by turn and let this looser couple on their own. If thats not possible then i think the best would be to have your mom kick out your bro and his wife out of her home and instead hire some good helpers to keep her company. I know its sad that even though she has a son she has to rely on others to keep her company but i think your brother and bhabi dont deserve to be with your mom and be fed on free luxeries. She has to be strong and take this decision. You should give her strength that she shouldnt let such people get the better of her.
I would suggest either of you 3 daughters somehow manage having your mom stay with you guys turn by turn and let this looser couple on their own. If thats not possible then i think the best would be to have your mom kick out your bro and his wife out of her home and instead hire some good helpers to keep her company. I know its sad that even though she has a son she has to rely on others to keep her company but i think your brother and bhabi dont deserve to be with your mom and be fed on free luxeries. She has to be strong and take this decision. You should give her strength that she shouldnt let such people get the better of her.
How is adopting this kind of attitude going to help at all?? One day they could end up with kids and what a sad situation it would be if this rift stops the natural beautiful bond between a child and their grandmother!
Rather than demonizing the couple wouldn't it be a thousand times better to try and build up a loving relationship between the in laws and the bahu? It's only been three months yet into the marriage - that's not enough to judge a bahu, hate her, hate her husband, kick them out of the home and khalas baat khatm!
How is adopting this kind of attitude going to help at all?? One day they could end up with kids and what a sad situation it would be if this rift stops the natural beautiful bond between a child and their grandmother!
Rather than demonizing the couple wouldn't it be a thousand times better to try and build up a loving relationship between the in laws and the bahu? It's only been three months yet into the marriage - that's not enough to judge a bahu, hate her, hate her husband, kick them out of the home and khalas baat khatm!
I suppose since they got married so they cant be under 18 who don't know what a normal human being is suppose to do/behave like. I think in life at times we give too many chances to people who dont deserve it and i think that gotta change. If your own son, i am sure he must be atleast 25 if he can't understand the importance of being a help to his parents/mother instead he is only bothered about free luxeries. How do you or anyone expect him to change?
^ I respectfully disagree. I'm sure he does appreciate the importance of helping parents, but since he is working 12 hours a day I doubt he really sees or appreciates the situation, which is why he refers to his wife as 'bechari' who can't live in a separate portion. This isn't about a person being able to change, it's about a situation that is being perceived differently by each relative. I'm sure if the bahu came here to post, her POV would be very different and the husband's POV would also be very different!
Secondly, I strongle believe being judgemental is simply not going to help the situation. Yes, she should be a little more sensitive and help out more, but us saying that here is not the solution. Likewise, giving up and breaking the family apart is also definitely NOT the solution. It will only create more problems, and each person will end up harboring negativity in their hearts for each other, which can only be a destructive thing.
As for us giving people way too many chances, as I said it's only been 3 months!! As Muslims, shouldn't we look for the best in people rather than the worst? I'm sure we're supposed to think of 70 excuses every time we see someone do something that we think is bad. There is a lot of wisdom behind this.. and if people really understood it there would be a lot less issues like this..
i honestly thing you have come up with the most reasonable approach
love does indeed conquer all ....this is what this family needs...building of loving bonds to make strong relationships
Thank you for this post princess
Your post is incredibly biased. You have to realise your bhabi is a human being too.. Seeing her as some kind of evil monster is really not going to help the situation. The more you feel that way, the more she will subconciously pick up on it from your behaviour, the more she'll feel distant from you and the other in laws. She's here on her own whilst there's three SILs and a MIL. I hope you can appreciate that this can easily become a 'me' vs 'them' situation.
I'm not saying that the way she's acting is right, I'm just saying you have to approach it differently. Try to empathise with her: she's just started married life and is trying to enjoy it the best she can. To you it may appear lazy, but you have to put that to one side if you want to resolve the situation. Try to focus yourself on some positive aspects of her personality and once you've made your approach a little more neutral I would suggest befriending her. Make her feel comfortable and welcome rather than as a stranger to the household. Then once you're more friendly with each other you can casually ask her to do a little job like iron a suit or wash a couple of dishes. If you act as a coompanion to her, I don't see why she'll refuse. Then praise her for it in a kind but not too over the top way. Always make her feel like her presence is a blessing in the household and I'd suggest you advise your mother to act in the same way.
The thing is, if you approach her or your brother saying she isn't fulfilling her duties/ isn't caring for your mother etc etc it will automatically make her defensive and if anything, will make her feel even more distant from you guys. You have to win her over with kindness and love. If you like, you can suggest hiring a maid to help everyone out to diffuse the situation.
I hope you don't take offense but I very strongly disagree with the approach that you've taken against your bhabi. Regarless of whether they move to the top portion, or to another house: The most important thing here is not who completes the housework but whether there is love and peace in the family. This will require you being very wise in the way you handle the situation and a lot of patience on your behalf. I really hope you understand what I'm trying to say and implement it to stop this becoming a typical inlaws vs bahu battle.
^ I respectfully disagree. I'm sure he does appreciate the importance of helping parents, but since he is working 12 hours a day I doubt he really sees or appreciates the situation, which is why he refers to his wife as 'bechari' who can't live in a separate portion. This isn't about a person being able to change, it's about a situation that is being perceived differently by each relative. I'm sure if the bahu came here to post, her POV would be very different and the husband's POV would also be very different!
Secondly, I strongle believe being judgemental is simply not going to help the situation. Yes, she should be a little more sensitive and help out more, but us saying that here is not the solution. Likewise, giving up and breaking the family apart is also definitely NOT the solution. It will only create more problems, and each person will end up harboring negativity in their hearts for each other, which can only be a destructive thing.
As for us giving people way too many chances, as I said it's only been 3 months!! As Muslims, shouldn't we look for the best in people rather than the worst? I'm sure we're supposed to think of 70 excuses every time we see someone do something that we think is bad. There is a lot of wisdom behind this.. and if people really understood it there would be a lot less issues like this..
i didnt even point out the "bechari" bit and if that was justified or not. for me baat khatam hoti hai when yr own kid shows he is with you only cuz he doesnt want to spend his own money. that's really shameful!
i know things r not really black and white and there must be some grey too but i dnt see any situation where we can justify the above behavior.
i salute those who hve such a big dil and patience level where they think their good behvior and such great tolerance wl win people over. i think it probably does bt i rather nt win such people over. i guess it depends on every individul's preference. i know where u r coming from and i really appreciate and commend such a positive prespective bt lets just say its nt something i think is pratical in this world anymore.
I also see what you're saying, but especially when the matter refers to such close relatives: mother, son, sisters, wife - these are bonds that are sacred and deserve at least some patience and wisdom in trying to protect.
I also see what you're saying, but especially when the matter refers to such close relatives: mother, son, sisters, wife - these are bonds that are sacred and deserve at least some patience and wisdom in trying to protect.
:-) True. I am often told zindagi yun jazbati ho k nahi guzrati.
now about the son/groom : he has problems with spending money since always ; and his ONLY reservation/comments for NOT moving in another portion is 'kharcha' (since the FIL is taking care of expenses now , he knows he will have to spend on his part of the household when living separately he has a good job and earning 90k+ pak rs a month so non affordability is not an issue). He has NO guts talking/discussing with the bride for anything and wants the things to stay the way they are when his working hours are 12 hours a day and he comes back home all tired
Has the bride moved to a new city/state/country? Have any of you pointed out to her how annoying the texting is?
Sorry in advance if you take this as a "bonga" comment,but the groom seems like a kanjoos person. If the bride didn't learn how to behave in a joint family, then the groom hasn't yet learned how to manage both relationships.
first…this is a wrong place to say anything critical of the DIL…people don’t like it here…so don’t expect any objective assessment…all you gonna get in replies is
“you people are evil in-laws…
your brother is a loser…
and your mom shouldn’t expect anything…
you are very evil nand” and so on and so forth… DO expect all of that…
now my suggestion…
Force your brother to live upstairs/separate portion…get some maids for your mom…there is NO other solution…
)
