typical desi problem !! solutions ?

[Si4e]

Re: typical desi problem !! solutions ?

@multinicked

FIL works and stays in another country ; MIL is 65yrs old, has some health issues with backaches,knee replacement surgery advised for a knee injury, and heart problems, three SILs are happily married and settled in their homes, the only son gets married (totally arranged marriage) and his bride (who is a doctor,recently graduated and strted with a housejob) does the following:

I think your dad needs to come back and look after his wife. If your mom’s 65, I’m assuming he’s older and should probably retire.

@multinicked

1. swipes all the gold jewellery and money on 7th day of shadi without even knowledge of her husband and when asked after 2 weeks to wear some jewellery on a family dinner,she discloses it is with her mom already because she thought it was not safe at ILs.

Not cool. Should have taken her back to her mom’s place to have it collected and brought back to the house.

@multinicked

2. doesnt help at all with any chores at home, busy with lying in bed all day,texts A LOT on the cell phone (even the husband complains that she is never totally free to talk ever) and laptop all day besides standing infront of a mirror and ironing HER clothes all day (it’s already 3 months since shadi and imo honeymoon period is over?) Despite polite requests from MIL and husband to atleast take care of her husband’s stuff (mil explained that since it is an arranged marriage,small gestures and stuff will bring them closer) and as a result, the son seems to loose interest in his wife as well and doesnt care if she is off to her mom’s place for days neither does ever plans dinners,outings with her anymore.

Definitely not cool.

@multinicked

3. the bride’s jahaiz is all in the upper storey of the house , packed, because the portion where they live is completely decorated/done with all the essentials,electronics,etc and there seemed no need to arrange her stuff there. She keeps saying ‘finally I have to go settle upstairs, so I will use MY jahaiz one day’ when there has never been any such discussion/intentions earlier because there seemed no need/sense to send them in another portion of the house when there is already lots of space and no one besides the mil living there.
   MIL thinks the only solution is to tell the couple to live in the upper portion of the house separately because she thinks this is creating friction b/w everyone since the bride is never there to help her or even herself with laundry,chores,etc while MIL expects her to atleast take care of her husband, help in kitchen once in a while,etc. the bride’s mom is very interfering, and already demanded the MIL to let her daughter stay and live independantly when it was only few days after marriage and most probably she has been telling the bride to not to participate in anything until she is let live separately.

I actually always wondered what the point of ‘jahaiz’ was. If the girl’s moving into another house then most likely she doesn’t need to bring anything with her assuming (and most likely) the house already has all the essentials and then the toys (electronics and such) anyways. Now, since she did bring Jahaiz it’s only fair she be allowed to use it and it not be stored away and not be touched. If the groom’s family accepts jahaiz then they should also put it to use.

@multinicked

now about the son/groom : he has problems with spending money since always ; and his ONLY reservation/comments for NOT moving in another portion is ‘kharcha’ (since the FIL is taking care of expenses now , he knows he will have to spend on his part of the household when living separately he has a good job and earning 90k+ pak rs a month so non affordability is not an issue). He has NO guts talking/discussing with the bride for anything and wants the things to stay the way they are when his working hours are 12 hours a day and he comes back home all tired ; while the MIL gets highly irritated with all the stress in the home because her son never said he doesnt want to move because he doesnt want to leave her alone , the only problem he has is ‘ooper bahut kharcha ho jayega mera’ ( he knows neechay tau abu kar rahay hain na) and ‘ooper bahut garmi hoti hai, wifey says winters may shift ho jayengay’ AND’ ooper uss se sub manage nahin hoga’ (yeah , mom is sick and she is a free servant for you and your wife here )

Not cool. He’s making decent cash and should spend it accordingly. He should take his wife out for dinner and of course move ‘upstairs’ and fix up the place.

@multinicked

What I fail to understand is WHY dont parents of such thoughts and girls like these go to an orphanage and find their daughters a husband to get married to if they have no sense to teach their daughters to live peacefully in a joint family rather than acting up all decent during the rishta process and then spoon-feeding their daughters to create an atmosphere in a household so that they are forced to get rid of the couple by any means? this is not even a joint family ! just a mom living with them ! OR maybe find a match where the guy lives in another country and they know already that their daughter will be moving anyways and live ‘independantly’ (that’s another issue that the girl has problems lifting her finger for anything and is the laziest person ever) ? Why find a proper ‘family setup wala larka’ and create problems immediately after the wedding ?

what should be the solution (if the whole post makes sense )
btw,I am one of the SILs here and cannot see mom in stress. she is even ready to let my brother live separately for the sake of her mental peace and is thinking to move with dad in another country but I and my sisters hate to let her go and not seeing her for months if she goes

It defintely sounds like she’s upset about something. I am a big believer in talking things through and perhaps the two of them should take a mini-vacation to distance themselves from outside interference, get to know each other and also discuss what then can do for each other to solve the current situation. It’s all abouts ze communication!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5Ain15tsxk