Try-n-buy?

Lifestyle Relationships
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SO. You have a major choice to make, a life changing choice. Do you try it out first or do you just dive in, buy it and hope for the best?

In Desi culture, the biggest of life-changing events - that of marriage - is many times left to others to decide. And sometimes, motives are questionable.

This recent thread about the guy who readily dates but would never marry one who dates really annoyed me. Gals who date are looking for a life partner. This is a cultural western thing. To take advantage of that - to date with absolutely no intention of ever going further than having some fun - is a really slimy thing to do. So there are some fobby-types who take advantage of western cultured girls who are looking for potential mates in the way they are accustomed to do yet these fobs have no intention of ever advancing the relationship. Do they lie to the gal to keep it going? Do they lie to their potential and pure rishtas that they’ve kept themselves pure?

Western women find spouses by dating. Good or bad, thats how it IS. If you find yourself tempted to take advantage of this, just DONT. If you’re curious and you think you may just marry a western-type i you happen to fall in love then by all means proceed. But using a girl for fun and being deceptive about your intentions is actually no better than rape.

Proceed with caution, guys. Inshallah, those who play with fire will eventually get burnt pretty badly.

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Re: Try-n-buy?

Mama - us desi ppl really dont know HOW to date. Guys and Gals.

I have seen westerns gals and guys that date and have resonable expectations. No strings attached. They move away. Become friends. Maybe they were taught rules of dating.

Us desis bring the whole bollywood expectation - dancing in the fields on the first date.

I don't what you are saying - it's wrong to mislead somone. But when two desi ppl date - they are already thinking proposal by the first meal or something.

I know it's wierd.

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I thought in western culture its okay to date without any intention of marrying as long as you make it clear that you are not ooking for a long term relationship. Isn't it.

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hmmmm. Yeah, I have known a couple of gori gals and a couple of guys who right from the start, make it plain that they;re just out for fun. But they were very few and far between. I dont think thats the norm, not in my experience anyway. If thats what floats yer boat thats fine...but to persue a relationship with no intentions of going further when thats not the expectation or the purpose ... thats really selfish, mean and misleading.

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Re: Try-n-buy?

Well Said Mama

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It's very common in desi culture to do what you are saying MO3. There are some men, however, who will date only with the intention of marrying, be it a desi girl or nondesi. It depends on how they've been raised. I've seen guys who suddenly get their air of freedom when they arrive abroad and get involved in everything bad...alcohol, girls, drugs, whatever, can't focus on school, become illegal and eventually end up in some odd job. Then when they are 35 and frustrated and marry some citizen to get their status right, divorce her when the time is done, then they go back home a marry a pretty young girl and bring her back into a shabby looking neighborhood and the poor girl never finds out about his shady past. Oh well.

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man of few words. :lifey:

Few but good.

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First to clear the air. I could not agree more

Clearly you got offended by supposedly FOB's perception of Goris/wana-be-gories.

Just to put thing in perspective do you know how, born and raised in west(western paki boys) treat women who are "looking" ??

Or even better tell me some thing and please DO tell!! specially if your post is more then a vent,
Why would a muslim girl date before reaching the age of marriage ????
before completing education??????????????????????????????????

I mean if even after a girl's parents telling her for 15-20 year, girl still could not hold her physical needs back, for little longer , wont you say that she is her self if out there to have good time????????????????????????????????????????????????

Rather then "looking" for husband.....

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mo3- it depends on age group, I dont think freshman and sophomores in uni are looking for a lifelong thing. the ratio changes for upperclassmen or women, but even in grad school and in careers there are people who are not really looking, or they may be looking but they dont mind casual dating until the right person comes along. That has been my experience.

Now as far as not marrying someone who one dates, it depends on whether you click or not, and whether your long term goals and ides about life are compatible or not. if they are not and people are just dating then its a diff thing isnt it?

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In Desi culture, the biggest of life-changing events - that of marriage - is many times left to others to decide. And sometimes, motives are questionable. Good or bad, thats how it is.

You rnt buying clothes, try it and buy it.... Most of you wont even buy a bra or penty that some dirty women had tried before. How is it okay to marry someone who was tried by bunch of others before ?

I agree with the part that guys shldnt take advantage of girls like that, but rnt girls smart enough not to let someone try them who is just there for window shopping ?

If you are dating someone for the sake of marriage, u shldnt do everything before marriage... First find out the intentions of the person u r dating and then proceed if u like, otherwise u will be taken advantage of and rightly so !

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and by that token marrying a widow/widower or a divorcee is a no no too right?

I get the rest of your post but the sentence could be read differently and aside from being read differently, i think the other way to read it does hold true to a great extent in our culture.

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I actually know from experience that many desi guys use non-desi gals, sometimes the gal knows its nothing serious so its all OK.....however there are some guys that will lead a gal on and I believe that is totally wrong......
For example I have a close non-desi friend who is dating a desi guy and its seems that lately she's become real serious but I am about 99% sure the guy is not going to marry her and is leading her on......I'm in a dilemma because I don't know if its my responsibility to let her know or not, because I know she is most likely going to get super defense of him...........

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Using someone from beginning or misleading someone from beginning is wrong.

While some desi guys may date for fun, non-desi gals also mislead the guy. And that is not so uncommon.

The guy comes, get educated, he is shy at first, he is earning good. He is lonely. The non-desi girl is lonesome, has been hurt or divorced or whatever.

They meet casually, then mor often, She tells him a thing or two about the area. She tells him she is not in to serious relationship at all. She has been hurt.

Before he realized she is calling her daily. He is going along since it was fun to be in relationship...away from family or so.
'
Gradually she takes over his mind. She writes cards to him on holidays etc.

He may or may not. He may write cards to return the good gesture.

Then she tells him in most intimate moment...I love you! You are my sunshine!

And the guy says what? I thought it was for fun only!

Then she cries, he feels awkward. He feels he was the bad guy. She says you led me on!

And all those dinners together? What were they for? You wasted my time!!!!!

Ocassionaly she gets pregnant too....

Sounds familiar?

Some get married some don't in the end. Some continue to be married some get divorced in few years.

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They end up crapping bricks in the future when their daughters are dating failures and found making out with atheist headbangers in the school bathroom.

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I have seen so many Indian (hindu/Sikh) gals falling for it . Means from the very beginning we all knew that nothing gona happy and tell our buddies to stop , but No . I saw very well educated and intelligent girls falling for it . I think they both share the responsibility .

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I was kinda expecting this response, but i dunt think its fair to compare dating and marriage. I dont think a girl who slept arnd with few people whom she was dating wud be same as a woman who is widowed or divorced.

I dunt think there is any shame is marrying a widowed or divocred.

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P_akilarka, you're right, you cant compare dating and marriage. You can compare dating with rishta-seeking.

In the east, the parents do the rishta seeking and they are the ones who get to now the potential mates.

In the west, its left up to the potential mates to find each other and they do this by dating.

Most are assuming that dating involves grabbing a quick bite to eat and then jumping into the sack. That really isnt the case and thats not how things really are. Sure, many times a couple will end up having physical relations if the relationship becomes serious. There is typically serious feelings involved here - casual sex is a thing of the 1960s.

Anyway, this is a huge cultural difference between east and west. Each way has its own attractiveness and each has its own drawbacks...but the point is that eastern men have been known to take advantage of the way of western ladies and this is just wrongwrongwrong.

If you get into a relationship with no intention other than having fun, make sure she knows this.

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exactly. to my knowledge, dating is not just a tool for finding a mate for marriage in the west. its a cultural and social norm, which starts in their teens for boys and girls here, with no strings attached until things are taken to the next level with mutual approval, with no promises of a commitment either. it is thus very different from the new-found dating concept in our culture where a lot of times, dating comes as a result of a serious interest and with the intent to potentially make it into a long term commitment, talking about the majority of adults here, in teens its still considered unaccaptable since dating is seen strictly as a rishta seeking process.

no doubt a person is scum if they take advantage of a girl by misleading her with wrong intentions but I see gora men doing it all the time too so its unfair to blame the majority of desi guys for doing it. dating is a very dodgy business especially for girls, unfortunately they have a lot more on the line then men do so caution is key by choosing their partners wisely, after all responsibilty in these relationships is mutually shared.

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^ agree.

Good and bad are everywhere. Blaming one group of people is also wrong!

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You are right, its not fair

the point I was making was that the way you had stated, which btw is the way a lot of people think is if someone is widowed or divorced, she is used material etc.

If you were expecting the response, then you would have done better if you had chosen a different set of words to explain what you meant.

just some positive critique so the message does not get lost in words.