Say you know this girl/guy really well … you also know that they are into sinful acts of adultery… or drinking … or eating haram … etc
During the rishta process , some people tend to speak to friends or acquantainces of the family for a reference.
If you were approached for the reference of this person, would you be honest in telling about their deeds ? or would you lie as well ?
Bare in mind, if you choose not to give a reference at all , and the families formalize the rishta, afterwards if the guy/girl end up having serious problems and things go wrong , would you feel guilty? blame yourself for not being honest initially?
If I am approached for a reference I will tell honestly abt his/her deeds. It's a matter not only abt 2 lives but 2 families and any wrong information can lead to a wrong decision which may have long lasting affects on each family and both the individuals.
If I choose not to give a reference at all I'll blame myself if anything goes wrong.
Infact , I have always chosen to be brutally honest about the things I know for sure and have proof of about people, when it comes to marriage.
If i dont know the person really well , even then i tell them all that i know or have heard of and tell them to investigate further as i do no know the person fully.
But I do ensure that I give not just the bad points but also share any possible good things i have seen the person do or heard of him doing …
unfortunately not most people tend to be honest in references ..:no:
if its a friend then obviously i will bring her positive aspects forward and i will unfriend such a friend whos involved in all that crap.People as such are not worth to have as a friend because one way or the other u can get affected.
If its an acquaintance then telling the truth is the right thing.:)
Say you know this girl/guy really well .... you also know that they are into sinful acts of adultery.... or drinking .... or eating haram ... etc
During the rishta process , some people tend to speak to friends or acquantainces of the family for a reference.
If you were approached for the reference of this person, would you be honest in telling about their deeds ? or would you lie as well ?
Bare in mind, if you choose not to give a reference at all , and the families formalize the rishta, afterwards if the guy/girl end up having serious problems and things go wrong , would you feel guilty? blame yourself for not being honest initially?
You should not tell about their bad deeds...because that could be considered back biting.............
but you can always say that they should investigate furthur before making decision!
Obama , I feel thats cheating ! either say the truth fearlessly or dont say it ! I dont believe in playing the middle ground when it comes to references for marriage purposes. Its not backbiting , as long as you know you have the guts to face the individual who you are talking about and say the same things to their face.
As long as one is not accusing the other of wrong deeds , i think it should be very clearly said to the investigating family of what you know and they can then investigate in that direction.
The only times I ever remember anyone asking me anything like this is when I really didn't know the person much. Luckily for me, my close friends are mostly married now and the worst activity similar to those you mentioned that any of them are doing is smoking (at least as far as I know). The hesitation to be completely honest would mostly kick in when a close friend is involved. Most of those types as far as I'm concerned are already taken. For anybody else, I don't see myself caring to "protect" anyone, and I would just tell it like I see it.
You should not tell about their bad deeds...because that could be considered back biting.............
but you can always say that they should investigate furthur before making decision!
Agree 100% with this advice. I think a bright person would understand that the absence of an endorsement of someone's character is pretty much the same thing as saying "proceed with caution" there is more to find out about the individual.
Obama , I feel thats cheating ! either say the truth fearlessly or dont say it ! I dont believe in playing the middle ground when it comes to references for marriage purposes. Its not backbiting , as long as you know you have the guts to face the individual who you are talking about and say the same things to their face.
As long as one is not accusing the other of wrong deeds , i think it should be very clearly said to the investigating family of what you know and they can then investigate in that direction.
I don't think it's cheating at all. My aunty a super-conservative religious woman asked me about girls that she knew I was acquainted with for her grandson. I knew that the girl was too "out-there" for her grandson because I knew specific acts that were inconsistent with her ghar ka maahol. Instead of giving her a list of the girls harkatein, I used a euphemism telling her that I believed that the girl was too modern for her family.
My mother always says larkiyon ki izzat bahot nazuk hoti hai - apnay moonh se bura nahin kehna chahiyey aur kisi aur ki beti ke baarey mein buraa kehney se pehla (whether it's the truth or not) ye yaad karo ke hamare ghar mein bhi betiyan hai.
Agree 100% with this advice. I think a bright person would understand that the absence of an endorsement of someone's character is pretty much the same thing as saying "proceed with caution" there is more to find out about the individual.
I disagree. A friend of mine has a rishta proposal from a guy she was excited about, because he was smart, from a good family, was educated, very well spoken, and had a good job. He seemed perfect.
I also knew the guy and had personally seen him get very abusively drunk. My friends also knew him and knew that he had a drug habit.
Given the level of excitement that my friend had about the guy, me simply keeping quiet probably wouldn't have helped ward her off.
Sometimes, full disclosure of what you know is best.
I have been approached many times and I have given truthful reference. I not only answer the question asked but tell as much as I can to help people make decision. After all its decision of life no matter if its girl or boy.
I disagree. A friend of mine has a rishta proposal from a guy she was excited about, because he was smart, from a good family, was educated, very well spoken, and had a good job. He seemed perfect.
I also knew the guy and had personally seen him get very abusively drunk. My friends also knew him and knew that he had a drug habit.
Given the level of excitement that my friend had about the guy, me simply keeping quiet probably wouldn't have helped ward her off.
Sometimes, full disclosure of what you know is best.
I still stand by my original position - but I'll willing to concede your point.
My experiences have been with families asking about girls whose character while not sterling, was not what the rishta family wanted - so in my own personal circumstance, my using a soft approach was appropriate for the reasons I stated.
In the example you gave, I think that keeping silent about a character reference for someone who is that awaara or bad-kirdaar and who enjoys naik-naami for no reason is wrong and the person should be exposed. So maybe the answer at the end of the day is it depends on the circumstances. I wouldn't be too quick to expose all the bad deeds of someone at the drop of a hat - but I do see the merits of full disclosure in some cases.
Islamically it is allowed to say the truth about the person, and it is permissable to backbite in the rishta process.
**Fatimah bint Qais (May Allah be pleased with her) said: I came to the Prophet (PBUH) and said to him: “Muawiyah and Abul-Jahm sent me a proposal of marriage.” The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “Muawiyah is destitute and he has no property, and Abul-Jahm is very hard on women.” [Bukhari and Muslim]. **
Commentary: We learn from this Hadith that it is permissible to mention the true facts, virtues and vices without equivocation, about the parties who intend to enter into wedlock provided one does it for their welfare. Backbiting Islamic Articles