OK, so this is my first post here in GS forums.. and i am writing this becuz i need some advice or opinions of others..
I have been engaged to the love of my life for 2 years now.. we plan to get married after 2 more years (inshallah after he graduates)
He is a family friend and we have known their family since b4 i was born. My future mother and father in law were always nice, but ever since we got engaged they have changed completely… they do things to hurt me, and treat me as if i dont even exist!
if they are like this now, what will they be like after marriage! i dont want to live in a joint family with them. I want to have my space, my freedom. and my and my fiance are happier when they are not trying to cause problems between us.
the problem is they are emotionaly blackmailing us into living with them… what should i do!? please help me!
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! i dont want to live in a joint family with them. I want to have my space, my freedom. and my and my fiance are happier when they are not trying to cause problems between us.
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My fiance knows how they are.. and he is totally ready to live separate.. but they trap him emotionally.. his mother will start crying and his father will act as if hes sick! ugh! i am sooooo sick of it. i feel bad bcuz my fiance wants to be a good son and a good husband at the same time so he gets confused and sometimes asks me "would u be able to live with my family" and i get scared! i dont want to live with them.. but how to i make sure they dont "get sick" right after the wedding?!
@Le_Pakistan…
My MIL talks crap about me to EVERY1! she lies and tells people that i am taking her son and that bcuz of me, their son doesn’t have time for them…
My FIL tells my fiances best friend to make distance between me and my fiance! My fil tells his friends that he regrets getting us engaged…
For eid, my MIL gave me one of her daughters old suits
Wow, your in-laws' telling your husband's friend to create distance between you....sounds filmi. Unless your own parents don't live in the same community as his..........(and you say that they've known each other forever and are family friends)......how can they (your parents) NOT know about their backbiting, etc? I dunno......maybe your parents need to talk to his parents about the issues (in a civil way)....and see what happens from that....cuz (the way they're behaving) it seems like they're on a roll. You could try to talk to his parents and you risk being labeled badtameez and your words may be distorted. So, try adult intervention....maybe you and fiance and actually be present during the discussion both sets of parents have so that there's no deception/manipulation.
After that one conversation^^ Pakibride, you need to keep an eye on their behaviour. Redvelvet is right, they do sound filmy and by the looks of it will go to quite some extent to bother and upset you. if their behavior does not change even after you guys all have a healthy discussion about the issues at hand then you have a very serious dilemma.
Try not to let rumors or backbiting bother you. Its over as soon as the next juicy story comes along.
As for your fiance...what does he say about all of this? Does he want to live with his parents? What is your in-law's reason for wanting you to live with them? Are they capable of living on their own? Is he the only son?
What you could do is live close by so your fiance doesn't feel like he is deserting them.
you are right.. today its me, tomorow it'll be about some1 esle..khair.
my fiance wants to live separate bcuz he knows it wont work out with them. my fiance is the older son, he has 1 younger brother, and in our culture the eldest son has the most responsability :/
my inlaws are young and healthy mashallah they dont need any help physically, and i am ready to help them out financially and all.
I also thought of living separate but close by... the problem is i am born and raised in USA and they want me to move to Pakistan. They keep telling my fiance that his GENERATIONS WILL BE RUINED IF HE RAISES HIS KIDS IN AMERICA.. which is not true at all i was raised here, and i m proud of myslef, and my pakistani culture.
Wow, what a big sacrifice.....the move to Pakistan......the chitty backstabbing in-laws. Not saying that any other rishta would come with a guarantee of a better husband and in-laws.. More power to you. I don't know think I could deal with this kind sir-khapaai...not when it also entails a drastic lifestyle change.
@Reha
you are right.. today its me, tomorow it'll be about some1 esle..khair.
my fiance wants to live separate bcuz he knows it wont work out with them. my fiance is the older son, he has 1 younger brother, and in our culture the eldest son has the most responsability :/
my inlaws are young and healthy mashallah they dont need any help physically, and i am ready to help them out financially and all.
I also thought of living separate but close by... the problem is i am born and raised in USA and they want me to move to Pakistan. They keep telling my fiance that his GENERATIONS WILL BE RUINED IF HE RAISES HIS KIDS IN AMERICA.. which is not true at all i was raised here, and i m proud of myslef, and my pakistani culture.
Is the move to Pakistan confirmed? Or after shaadi he was to come here?
My advise to you would be that whatever you do, you need to sort this out before you get nikhaed to this dude, you must sort it out. Otherwise from your description of things you could be full of regret and pretty miserable in the future.
The thing is, his parents probably won't change, the older people are the harder it is to change their habbits. Pakistan also has a pretty messed up culture when it comes to this whole in law thing. The way some people treat their daughter in laws is downright cruel and barbaric, at best they can be insanely irritating and nosy. This whole dominating the daughter in law thing is another example of Hindu culture which has crept its way into Pakistan. This is totally UnIslamic too. As a Muslim woman you are entitled to your own space, you are not obliged to make tea for your husbands dad and wash his brothers cloths, this is such bs.
Anyway, If I were you I'd tell this guy straight up that you are willing to respect and be nice to his parents, but you will absolutely under no circumstances move to Pakistan, nor will you live with his parents, and you expect the two of you to have an independent life together.
Having said that, as their son he is obliged to look after his parents, so you can't stop him from visiting them, sending them money, adoring them with love and affection, showing them extreme kindness, humbleness and humility, as their son he has to do that.***
…n im sure the inlaws feel that it’s u who trap their son emotionally! bechara ladka n women still have the guts to say that its them who gets it tougher in a marriage!
n women still have the guts to say that its them who gets it tougher in a marriage! 