I know this girl, actually woman whom I am concerned about. but then I think that maybe I am being too ‘traditional’ regarding some of her issues and hence being concerned…
The thing is that I know this lady. She is 34, divorced and has a kid. Just recently she was told about a rishta in Pakistan and she called the guy’s family on her own and didnt ask her father, mother, brother or any of her friends to make the first move for her. She later told some of her family members but only very superficial info…
When I heard of this I tought about the guy’s family and how they could be perceiving this…
Wont they think that this lady is being too eager? when they know that she has a family who can help her out initiating the contact…
So after one phone call she decided to go to Pakistan and meet the guy and his family and get married during this same trip if she likes them. and so she left with the first flight avaiable.
Now the guy is many years younger than him and hasnt been married before …some (not all) men from PK would use that as a gateway to enter Europe so thats why I am worried about her future.
but maybe I shouldnt be concerned and worried. she is a grown up lady and able to make her own decisions and face the consequences as well…
if she is a good friend of urz and u have ur doubts, just let it outand let her know, thats all u can do, i mean c`mon dosti mein itna haq to hota hee hai.
If she is so confident that she did not involve anybody in the process , then I think she is competent enough to judge the person and his family. I would just congratulate her for her decision and make some duas for her.
i know a woman, mother of 6 kids whos husband was murdered bout 8 or so years ago in bradford, she was ma friends mum.
a few years ago my mum told me that she had re-married to sum guy and was living wit her and the kids. recenetly, like a year or so ago, i then got "updated" that the guy had ran away with money which she had invested for her kids and since then she hasnt heard from him and doesnt know where he is.
so if i wer u.. i would tell her to be careful, and to do proper "investigation" before making any decisions. afterall it is her and her kid's lives @ stake ere.
:) i know a lady lives n montreal here shes more then 34 n she has already got married like 4 tyms i duno even if its allowed n islam khair... my point is tht she got married first tym very typical arranged marraige then got divorced cuz she is stubborn n the guy was typical pakistani mentality then he came to montreal n started beating n abuse her neways second time she met a guy on net n then with out her family's consideration she went pakistan where her fmaily is the same city she went n met the guy n then told her family tht shes n the same city as them n getting married well family probs entered there were solved she got married again the guy came to montreal n then she divorced him saying hes not MAN ENUFF (if u know wht i mean) n then she was single again n the same factory whre she works she got married the 3rd time n by this time shes 36 already n the guy was 25 neways they lived happily for about 2 yrs n then the guy started having doubts on living with an older woman socially going out with her n friends u know....... n then she started having probs with him too cuz he was 25 n shs 36 tu zahir he ,he wanted to explore things between there relationship n she has the ame one track mind bout sex. ....... she got divorced wit hhim n got married the 4rth time us shadi ko ab 3 months hu hein her family disowned her n they r in a procedure of getting divorced cuz the guy this time is 28 n shes 40 .
**MY point to this story is sometimes people keep makn mistakes n they think its other people's fault but they dont realize i tht its them who r naive enuff to make such silly mistakes and age does not makes a difference
i dun believe tht a person get mature by age i think a person get mature my their experience .
**
I agree that a person gets mature by their experience and this person is not that mature that she is not able to make such decisions on her own - that is my judgement after having known her for some years and having been paying for the consquences of her actions.
The situation is complicated cuz she happens to be my SIL. I have earlier adviced her but she has never paid any of my advices any attention making me consider y she ever asked in front of my hubby when she never listens anyway...
Anyhows,despite my not so deep relationship with her I am really really worried about what she is doing here, cuz the effects of her decision/actions will be on her son, but also on me and my hubby. MIL was really angry at me cuz she thought I knew about her plans when I had no clue at all. I felt sorry for MIL cuz I sincerely think it is the right of the mother to know about such huge steps.
While I am worried about her, I also feel very sad and hurt that she didnt involve me and hubby at all. she just informed shortly by e-mail which I found very strange. I remember when it was the time for my and hubby's rishta talk she was involving herself way too much in each detail even when it came to fixing dates with my parents rather than letting their parents do that. I feel very excluded, especially since SIL and FIL were whispering quiet loud to hide stuff from me in another room the day she was flying off to PK making me feel not very much part of the family. also se didnt reply any questtions I asked about this rishta...
Hubby has been very quiet since she left and speaks sometimes about how the family might be etc.
On one side I am really worried about her. and at the same time I am feeling anxiety that her actions' consequenses might fall on me which has happened many time untill now. I am still struggling to figure out the dynamics in the in-laws family structure and am wondering how they tend to become traditional in their expectations to me but cant include me when big things are going on and they have the opportunity to show that they want to include me ...
:) i know a lady lives n montreal here shes more then 34 n she has already got married like 4 tyms i duno even if its allowed n islam khair... my point is tht she got married first tym very typical arranged marraige then got divorced cuz she is stubborn n the guy was typical pakistani mentality then he came to montreal n started beating n abuse her neways second time she met a guy on net n then with out her family's consideration she went pakistan where her fmaily is the same city she went n met the guy n then told her family tht shes n the same city as them n getting married well family probs entered there were solved she got married again the guy came to montreal n then she divorced him saying hes not MAN ENUFF (if u know wht i mean) n then she was single again n the same factory whre she works she got married the 3rd time n by this time shes 36 already n the guy was 25 neways they lived happily for about 2 yrs n then the guy started having doubts on living with an older woman socially going out with her n friends u know....... n then she started having probs with him too cuz he was 25 n shs 36 tu zahir he ,he wanted to explore things between there relationship n she has the ame one track mind bout sex. ....... she got divorced wit hhim n got married the 4rth time us shadi ko ab 3 months hu hein her family disowned her n they r in a procedure of getting divorced cuz the guy this time is 28 n shes 40 .
MY point to this story is sometimes people keep makn mistakes n they think its other people's fault but they dont realize i tht its them who r naive enuff to make such silly mistakes and age does not makes a difference
i dun believe tht a person get mature by age i think a person get mature my their experience .
Goodlord! The guy is a jerk for beating and abusing her. No matter how subborn she is, he has no right to beat or abuse her.
:) i know a lady lives n montreal here shes more then 34 n she has already got married like 4 tyms i duno even if its allowed n islam khair... my point is tht she got married first tym very typical arranged marraige then got divorced cuz she is stubborn n the guy was typical pakistani mentality then he came to montreal n started beating n abuse her neways second time she met a guy on net n then with out her family's consideration she went pakistan where her fmaily is the same city she went n met the guy n then told her family tht shes n the same city as them n getting married well family probs entered there were solved she got married again the guy came to montreal n then she divorced him saying hes not MAN ENUFF (if u know wht i mean) n then she was single again n the same factory whre she works she got married the 3rd time n by this time shes 36 already n the guy was 25 neways they lived happily for about 2 yrs n then the guy started having doubts on living with an older woman socially going out with her n friends u know....... n then she started having probs with him too cuz he was 25 n shs 36 tu zahir he ,he wanted to explore things between there relationship n she has the ame one track mind bout sex. ....... she got divorced wit hhim n got married the 4rth time us shadi ko ab 3 months hu hein her family disowned her n they r in a procedure of getting divorced cuz the guy this time is 28 n shes 40 .
**MY point to this story is sometimes people keep makn mistakes n they think its other people's fault but they dont realize i tht its them who r naive enuff to make such silly mistakes and age does not makes a difference
i dun believe tht a person get mature by age i think a person get mature my their experience .
**
Lets not judge her cuz she got divorced so many times..some ppl can be unlucky...
I agree that a person gets mature by their experience and this person is not that mature that she is able to make such decisions on her own - that is my judgement after having known her for some years and having been paying for the consquences of her actions.
The situation is complicated cuz she happens to be my SIL. I have earlier adviced her but she has never paid any of my advices any attention making me consider y she ever asked in front of my hubby when she never listens anyway...
Anyhows,despite my not so deep relationship with her I am really really worried about what she is doing here, cuz the effects of her decision/actions will be on her son, but also on me and my hubby. MIL was really angry at me cuz she thought I knew about her plans when I had no clue at all. I felt sorry for MIL cuz I sincerely think it is the right of the mother to know about such huge steps.
While I am worried about her, I also feel very sad and hurt that she didnt involve me and hubby at all. she just informed shortly by e-mail which I found very strange. I remember when it was the time for my and hubby's rishta talk she was involving herself way too much in each detail even when it came to fixing dates with my parents rather than letting their parents do that. I feel very excluded, especially since SIL and FIL were whispering quiet loud in another room the day she was flying off to PK making me feel not very much part of the family.
Hubby has been very quiet since she left and speaks sometimes about how the family might be etc.
On one side I am really worried about her. and at the same time I am feeling anxiety that her actions' consequenses might fall on me which has happened many time untill now. I am still struggling to figure out the dynamics in the in-laws family structure and am wondering how they tend to become traditional in their expectations to me but cant include me when big things are going on and they have the opportunity to show that they want to include me ...
I am sad...
Chambeli, seriously, you don't want to be included in this stuff. It is better if her bro and parents take care of it whatever way they want.
Finally, the best thing would be just support her decision and hope that the marriage works both the ppl involved. She has taken a huge step, only time will tell if it is right or wrong but you guys should just support her decision, help her make this marriage work and pray for the best for her and your family.
chameli i dun think ushud me gettin involve n this matter cuz since day 1 she is excluding u from evry thing even from ur own shadi.... tu now if u involve ur self too much n this matter she might say .... who ru to tell me nething.....
maybe she doesnt thinks u as a bhabi or whtever n maybe she doesnt want s ur advice at alll atleast thts wht m thinkn by reading HER BEHAVIOR with u
I agree so far. but when considering the way she was trying to pretend to include me in the beginning of her rishta search and then suddenly exclude me like this, makes me feel not part of the family.
She has treated her mum the exact same way and I know that she doesnt like her mum so when comparing her bahaviour with her mum and me and finding out that she is behaving the same way with both of us, it makes me feel strongly that she doesnt like me either like she doesnt like her mum.
and as said earlier, this is not only about how I feel...it is also regarding her. She spoke to the guy's uncle n sister and hurried to PK with the first flight available cuz this rishta was told by a person she has extremely high resepct for. she didnt speak to the guy himself and didnt have a clue what was expecting her there. this is a rather spontanous behaviour for a mum of a kid who is going to be part of her marriage afterwards!!! I am worried..what if the guy is only interested in her to get a visa to Europe. this has happened before so it can happen again....
and God forbid if something goes wrong, then the whole family system gets upset including our married life cuz then everything is about her .... so eventhough she isnt including me now I get included when things goes wrong and they need help!
The more I think about it, the more confused I get....
I remember when hubby and I were in our rishta process, my SIL was being the most traditional person I know! She wanted to be the main contact person from his side and kept calling my parents. She kept making fuss of tiny stuff that my mother has said about waiting some time to make the decision.
When we got engaged and later when we were getting married she was again being very dominating in stuff related to me and hubby.
Out of her behaviour I perceived her as a traditional Punjabi woman who was behaving that way in her brother's wedding.
I then found out that she switched roles whenever she found it suitable. When she needs hubby to do something or when she wants to be dominating she uses the Pakistani side of it, and when she wants to do what she wants to she just does it when and where it suits her being very independent.
I dont mind her being independent. but I do mind her misusing hubby/us whenever she wants to and when she switches over to the traditional roles....
So far I havent been able to understand her really. I was just responding to her actions and mostly she got it her way. I have been quiet depressed cuz of her and ended up getting ill and thus asking for space due to my illness.
Despite my illness I did try to help her out the most I could. I felt so hurt when I was talking to my FIL that I had spoken to a lot of my personal contact to find SIL a rishta but he responded so coldly that this is something that only parents and siblings can do for a person excluding me totally from the family and also not acknowleding what I was doing for her. Why do people have to be so rude and not taking other ppl's feelings into consideration??? :(
After all these incidents I decided not to expect much from them and not comment what is going on with regard to SIL's flying off to Pakistan in such hurry and not involving me. Even though I feel hurt and left outside of the family, I think that its good that I am told my place in the family so that I dont keep trying hard and keep feeling hurt again n again....
Now the issue is that my hubby is feeling my lack of interest in all this. I guess he thinks I m being cold and not seeming enthustiastic...but my problem is that I cant act like its all good....I will be happy for SIL if she is happy with the guy but right now I dont feel there is much to say that would be constructive...
I am feeling confused in how deal with this traditional attitude vs. independent behaviour. I feel that she misuses it whenever she wants to...
I dont want to say that to hubby and be a cause of creating distance between a brother and sister...but i find it very difficult to be bhabi to a person like that cuz I get included in the game evn tough I m not interested to!!!
Its about her being traditional when she wants and then behave rather un-traditional when she wants. And then me thinking whether I am being too traditional in my expectations, expecting to be part of this new family. and when I realize that I actually am being traditional expecting to be part of the family, then I feel hurt that this time SIL just behaves in a way that not even a non-Pakistani would behave like in excluding family members.
Just for ur notification this is not just about me. I am sincerely worried about whats going on...anyone would be the way things have developed...
I agree. What does it matter if she's being traditional or not? Why not just be who you are, learn to set your own boundaries, and forget about her being traditional or independent. The way I see it, you are making it about you. You bring her up over and over again and it leads me to wonder how much energy you expend on your relationship with her.
Also, I believe can pick and choose in what instances they would like to be traditional and in what instances they prefer to be independent. There is no all or nothing and there is no box that we can shove our beliefs into and make them fit.
I think, like others have said.. you should leave it. There really is nothing you can do. You've got someone here, who doesn't want your input in what she decides for herself.. so let her be. Whatever happens after she gets married, is for her to deal with. Why are you stressing so much over her? As for the bit about her using you/your hubby when she likes to.. well thank yourself, you found out what she's like. Now, in future.. don't let her use you.. don't get so close and don't consult her in big decisions about yourself - because if she doesn't need you, you shouldn't need her.
Now the guy is many years younger than him and hasnt been married before ....some (not all) men from PK would use that as a gateway to enter Europe so thats why I am worried about her future.
but maybe I shouldnt be concerned and worried. she is a grown up lady and able to make her own decisions and face the consequences as well...
You know, we guys are human too. If she treats him with love there is 99.9% chance guy wont leave her.
Unless guy is complete ---------- , you know