My husband is the second of four brothers. The older one got married around the same time we did and I get along fairly well with the jethani. Now the third brother has gotten engaged and his fiance (devrani) seems a bit weird around both my jethani and I. More than the awkwardness between me and her, it’s more between her and the Jethani. Now she seems to be a sweet girl. She spends alot of time talking to my husband’s cousins and all but as far as me and the jethani are concerned, we feel ignored. For example, if we post 10 pictures on facebook, she won’t like even one. But as soon as husband’s cousin or another relative has posted anything, within seconds you will see a like from her. But that’s the least of the problems right now. I feel like my jethani is starting to feel more insecure and sad as the day passes. My mil’s treatment towards them both is very different. My jethani is Indian and gujurati while my inlaws are all Pakistani punjabi. The mil has expressed her dislike in regards to that quite from the beginning. So as it is, my jethani has always felt neglected and treated different for being from a different ‘caste’ society or whatever you want to call it. To make matters worse, the mil blatantly favors the devrani (the way she speaks to her, showers her with presents and all that) and alot may have to do with the fact that her family knows my inlaws family very well since they are neighbors. It upsets me but I am quite indifferent to such things.. however.. I do feel very bad for my jethani who I know feels depressed and ignored when she sees all this. To make matters worse, the devrani is really weird with her as well. Like I said earlier, if the two of them were sitting at a table together, the devrani wont even really talk to her. My opinion is that she may be a bit jealous because my jethani is really pretty and my husband’s extended family loves her very much too so she is quite popular. I felt a bit intimidated by her too in the beginning but because she has always been so sweet to me, I saw no reason to despise her in any way. I know she has made a few efforts to try and get to know the devrani but has been turned away quite rudely.
She is a sweetheart and has always respected my inlaws, treated them very well and despite of all this, continues to do so. It just saddens me that she doesn’t have the respect in the family that she deserves. I figure if I or her husband or anyone says anything to the mil, there will be a huge drama and the jethani may just get labeled as someone insecure and jealous for times to come. So two questions.. one, how to normal things with the devrani or should she not care? And two, how to ignore whatever the mil does that makes her feel like a stranger in her own inlaws. Thank you.
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
If your jethani's husband is happy with her and they have a healthy relationship...doesn't really matter about everything else IMO. Just ignore the rest and you as a sister in law make her feel better about herself :)
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
God help all MIL's and all future MIL's. MIL's are very instrumental in making fitna, causing animosity and breaking up their own families ...and many times they are completely clueless and ignorant to their own behaviour.
Your jethani seems to be doing ok. So she is not in her MIL's favours, really not a big deal, considering there are four sons and in the future there will be four DILs. Your jethani knows her background was an issue. As long as she and her hubby are ok, that is all that matters. Maybe the new DIL has an inking that MIL is not too thrilled with her Indian DIL. Some girls do play up on that. Your jethani needs to be herself; after all you yourself said she is popular with your husbands extended family.
Are your inlaws abusive, mean etc to your jethani? If not then, she should let it go, as should you..
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
The other girl sounds like a bit of a brat. I would leave her to her vices because people like that, sooner or later have a taste of their own medicine.
As for the MIL's treatment of the DIL's, well you can't do much about that either and your SIL just needs to learn to ignore it. I know it's easier said than done, but there really isn't much she, or anyone else can do in this situation.
Torn between the bhabis..
She's just a fiancé right now. I'm sure being a bride has gotten to both mil and SILs heads. Let her actually come home and just be yourselves. Why feel threatened by somebody for no reason when she can be ignored too. Tell your SIL to stay cool and happy and you both have each other to relate too. The rest is all drama that you shouldn't care for. Not yet because nothing has really happened, you can't change the attitude and you guys are the older DILs. Go on about your day. :)
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
agree with most of the advice that has been presented......
and wanted to add that perhaps you might make a special effort to reach out to your jethani and, without bringing this matter that you have observed to light, just offer her the reassurance that you think she might need during this process.
maybe strengthen your relationship with her.....have some one-on-one time......let her know that she is valued and appreciated.
while we cannot change the behaviour of others, in this case the SIL to be and the MIL, we can always make an effort to reach out to those that we feel are being unduly and negatively impacted.
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
Ignore her back... spend time with your jethani... problem solved!
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
My husband is the second of four brothers. The older one got married around the same time we did and I get along fairly well with the jethani. Now the third brother has gotten engaged and his fiance (devrani) seems a bit weird around both my jethani and I. More than the awkwardness between me and her, it's more between her and the Jethani. Now she seems to be a sweet girl. She spends alot of time talking to my husband's cousins and all but as far as me and the jethani are concerned, we feel ignored. For example, if we post 10 pictures on facebook, she won't like even one. But as soon as husband's cousin or another relative has posted anything, within seconds you will see a like from her. But that's the least of the problems right now. I feel like my jethani is starting to feel more insecure and sad as the day passes. My mil's treatment towards them both is very different. My jethani is Indian and gujurati while my inlaws are all Pakistani punjabi. The mil has expressed her dislike in regards to that quite from the beginning. So as it is, my jethani has always felt neglected and treated different for being from a different 'caste' society or whatever you want to call it. To make matters worse, the mil blatantly favors the devrani (the way she speaks to her, showers her with presents and all that) and alot may have to do with the fact that her family knows my inlaws family very well since they are neighbors. It upsets me but I am quite indifferent to such things.. however.. I do feel very bad for my jethani who I know feels depressed and ignored when she sees all this. To make matters worse, the devrani is really weird with her as well. Like I said earlier, if the two of them were sitting at a table together, the devrani wont even really talk to her. My opinion is that she may be a bit jealous because my jethani is really pretty and my husband's extended family loves her very much too so she is quite popular. I felt a bit intimidated by her too in the beginning but because she has always been so sweet to me, I saw no reason to despise her in any way. I know she has made a few efforts to try and get to know the devrani but has been turned away quite rudely. She is a sweetheart and has always respected my inlaws, treated them very well and despite of all this, continues to do so. It just saddens me that she doesn't have the respect in the family that she deserves. I figure if I or her husband or anyone says anything to the mil, there will be a huge drama and the jethani may just get labeled as someone insecure and jealous for times to come. So two questions.. one, how to normal things with the devrani or should she not care? And two, how to ignore whatever the mil does that makes her feel like a stranger in her own inlaws. Thank you.
The situation you describe kinda sounds like my life. People here are saying that as long as things are fine between husband and wife, nothing else matters. Not true. His family can ruin things between the two of you.
If your MIL is like my MIL and it sure sounds like that, there is nothing you can do to help change her behavior. My MIL is a complete B*, she goes to Pakistan on my dime, yes, mine, not my husbands as I make more than twice as my husband and she will spend $10K and bring me nothing back but closets full of clothes for the other 2 DILs, who don't give a dime to her. Last year, she chewed me out upon her return saying "you should buy your own clothes!" when I didn't even ask her about clothes.
And I'm married to the eldest son. The one married to the middle one was kinda like you, tried to be a buffer for me in the beginning and tried to get the MIL to just accept me and let us get married. My youngest devar found a girl, got to know, introduced her to family, and married her wihout any hiccups because all of the MILs hate was directed at me. And the youngest DIL is rude to me just like your Devarani-to-be. And now, these awful human beings have rubbed off on the nicer devran and she is mean to me now as well. Writing crap about me on facebook.
Personally, I think that the MIL praising the youngest DIL and giving her gifts and all that other jazz while ignoring or being mean or ignoring the eldest DIL is being mean.
What can you do? Don't let other people's hatred blacken your heart or think negatively of others because you're surrounded by negativity. You can continue to be nice to her and it will help you in the long run as well. These relationships are for life and it is good to always be on good terms with Jethanis & Devranis. In our culture, these women play a bigger role in our lives than bhabis although they are all sisters-in-law. Always be inclusive of her. If you're with hubby's immediate family and Jethani is being excluded, bring her into conversation. Her heart will thank you and those duas will play a special role in your life.
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
I'm not a religious person but the challenges I have been presented in the last couple of years have made me look deeper within Islam for answers. Here's something that has made me feel alot better. I hope it may be of help to you and/or your Jethani. I cannot seem to copy and paste the arabic script.
Translation: A man insulted Khalid ibn Walid, so he turned to him and said, "It is your scroll of deeds, so fill it with whatever you wish."
Subhan'Allah, powerful. This is something we can remember if anyone ever hurls abuse at us; remember that it will only be a burden upon them and never us; so don't take it to heart and don't let it anger you into retaliation. We all have scrolls which we are filling every single second of our lives.
O Allah, fill our book with words and deeds that please You, ameen.
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
I have never seen the MIL abuse her verbally. She is the kind of person (even towards me at times) who is very nice/sweet to you despite of her dislikeness towards you. I am assuming probably to avoid conflicts with her sons. She will never say things directly but you can tell alot by her actions and in this case, the treatment towards the youngest DIL. The basic thing is she does not treat my jethani equal to us and it hurts me but there is nothing that can be done about it I guess. If anyone intervenes, the MIL might start to do it (like giving her the same kind of presents and all) but it won't be from heart.
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
I have never seen the MIL abuse her verbally. She is the kind of person (even towards me at times) who is very nice/sweet to you despite of her dislikeness towards you. I am assuming probably to avoid conflicts with her sons. She will never say things directly but you can tell alot by her actions and in this case, the treatment towards the youngest DIL. The basic thing is she does not treat my jethani equal to us and it hurts me but there is nothing that can be done about it I guess. If anyone intervenes, the MIL might start to do it (like giving her the same kind of presents and all) but it won't be from heart.
Abuse comes in many forms. Whether you've seen verbal abuse or not, I get the feeling your Jethani has become the punching bag of your MILs aggression. If you think that the MIL is not being fair, I'm sure Jethni ji feels it too.
Khair, we all reap what we sow.
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
Yes but this is the family she has to be a part of for the rest of her life. It sucks that it causes her so much sorrow.
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
What upsets me is that despite of all this she STILL does so much for the family esp the mil. She goes out of her way to make sure she is comfortable and happy.. she thinks eventually the mil will realize how nice her bahu is but I honestly think (knowing the mil well) that she only does things for her own matlab. Even if she realizes the importance of my jethani and how wonderful she is, it won't last long.
She will only call me and my jethani when she needs something.. not to ask how we are doing. When my devar was getting engaged, she told us she needed our help around engagement time for cooking and cleaning but she kept both of us out completely of the mangni preps such as not even showing us the baree she took or the ring or the zevar she picked out. Not even on the day of engagement did she bother to include us in anything. On the other hand, she took all her sisters into the room secretly to show them. Maybe because it was all so much better than what she gave us both.. whatever the reason is.
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
Yes, it sucks. It sucks big time. And sometimes we have an idea of how family should be and we try hard to create those relationships as we have imagined them. But a relationship is a two-way street.
I pray that Allah removes the veils from MILs heart so that she sees what wonderful people you & Jethani ji are and that she treats you both with love and mercy as if you were her own daughters.
For you two, I pray for patience & serenity to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Ameen
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
Yes but this is the family she has to be a part of for the rest of her life. It sucks that it causes her so much sorrow.
Besides MIL and Devrani-to-be, is anyone else horrible? MIL's side of the family?
I say ignore the people who are mean to you. They will get their just desserts in this world and the hereafter. :)
Forget these people. Keep each other company and think about all the wonderful, fun things you can do together! Focus on the good, ignore the bad. There's gonna be a wedding, how fun! All the shopping, music selection, dance choreography...Just the two of you together and cousins can have a ton of fun!
There's that saying hear no evil, see no evil,... well, think no evil too. people who think negatively, burn inside, their jealousy, rage, etc. Just focus on the good.
BTW, no one is forcing you two to replay all those horrible scenes over and over in your head and get hurt over and over again. Yes, these people are horrible and suck big time but we need to move on with our lives and not carry them around with us.
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
Thank you all for your advice! Sadly, things have not gotten any better than I previously posted here =)
Noone else is mean in the family except for her and the new DIL.. who by the way has been doing extremely weird things as of recently such as logging into mil's facebook account and 'unliking' and 'removing comments/pictures' of my jethani and mine from the mil's minifeed etc. Lol, it sounds really childish and creepy but my goodness.
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
The one who has it hardest is your jhetani. From the in-laws, the only person she gets any support from is you. So, continue supporting your jethani and to the best of your ability, include her in events. You can, along with jethani, attempt to talk to the new DIL and ask her if everything is okay and if either of you have offended her in any way as you feel she seems distant and that you both would like her to feel comfortable. Say something general like that and it might help. Or at the very least, it'll make it clear to the new DIL that you both are aware of her attitude and that despite it, you both took the higher road by trying to make her comfortable. Might even humble her.
Regardless of the new DIL's behavior, continue to invite her and talk to her. Be nice to her, especially in front of MIL, so that MIL never says that you and jhetani have something against her favorite pet. Some people don't care about their own poor behavior, but they will pounce upon any oversight of yours and hold it against you. That said, fulfill formalities with new DIL. Also, try to come up with a clever or tactful plan of bringing up jhetani's exclusion with MIL either directly, or indirectly, maybe thru your husband or someone else. Something subtle but strong can be figured out if you put your mind to it.
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
I had to make an account just to reply to this!!! I Am in a similar situation myself. But my jethani is the issue. I personally think its her responsibility bein the older one u know to make effort to get to know me and all. It should not be the younger s responsibility so maybe you should tell ur jethani that she should make more effort? I know how it feels that's why I think u guys should take the initiative
What does ur jethani s hubby say if u know? and is the caste of ur jethani the only reason ur mil don't like her? There's a lot of details we would need to kno to give better advice. I hope everything gets better for u guys inshalla...
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
I know quite a lot many people like your dewrani- to-be and trust me such people don't get along well with ANYBODY for long. She is being mean just because she needs to make a place at home and your mil is being flattered with all her efforts. She is in a phase where she loves her new dil and all her hatred is being accentuated against your jethani.
Judging from the description, I have a feeling that sooner or later things are going to be sour between your mil and dewrani (observation speaking) because the charm doesn't last long or as they say "duur k dhol suhanay". Once she is at home, your mil is going to realize the difference. All you can do is to maintain neutrality and all your jethani can do is "ignore and endure" for the time being. The bahu who is going to speak up against the mil is going to be the bad one in her books forever.
Good luck! May things get better soon! :)
Re: Torn between the bhabis..
You and your Jithani should stop caring what your MIL and new Devrani do. If your attitude is "I don't give a hoot", it will certainly make your lives better.