Torn between the bhabis..

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Torn between the bhabis..

That sounds rather silly to me. Since when does being older or younger have anything to do with making efforts to know someone? Respect should be given mutually. The devrani seems to get along FINE with everyone except Jethani and I, and you think it's because we have not made efforts to get to know her? It's not my jethani's responsibility or mine to make any efforts towards her. Noone is looking to be best friends, even my jethani and I are not best friends with each other but being a part of the same family, we like and respect each other. By the way, to make it clear, both my jethani and I have been nothing but cordial towards the devrani. When we see her, we chat with her, we compliment her, try to get to know her but when you start feeling the other person has this cold vibe towards you despite of how nicely you treat them, it becomes a huge turn off. And what I find more weird than anything is that she is beyond sugary sweet towards everyone in the family except for us two and we have done absolutely nothing to offend her. People who are aware of the situation and have noticed how she acts think it's because of insecurity and jealousy that she may be feeling. If you're new in a family and feel intimated or whatever by the other bahus who have been around longer, that's understandable but to act immature is just weird.

Speaking of your situation, I would suggest you make an effort to get to know YOUR jethani instead of waiting for her to come to you. Just like how you think it's her responsibility somehow to take the initiative, being the youngest, you also need to show respect to her since she is older (im assuming in age too besides in relation). You are the new entrant, you are the one who needs to win hearts, not her.

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Re: Torn between the bhabis..

Thank you for that. You're absolutely right. Alot of things have happened recently which added to the tension between my jethani and mil (mil showing extreme partiality towards the devrani as usual) and my jethani had been in tears for days. But I relayed to her what people have been writing here and I can tell she's feeling alot better about the whole situation.

23

Re: Torn between the bhabis..

it doesn't matter if u think it is silly. It could be what ur devrani feels and to be honest what most people feel. My jethani has made some efforts but also pisses me off sometimes with HER being do insecure thinking i a, taking the attention from her. When u are the new entrant as u put it, u r more cautious and develop relationships according to how U r being treated. I would analyze the way u have acted with her and really think about why ur devrani is giving u and ur jethani such vibes. Also u cant just assume things. If she is being nice to others, it is probably because they are the ones who are being so nice to her. And in our desi culture, engaged girls dont make too much effort with their inlaws. Not sure how ur family is about those things but if u are Gujarati then I hav heard they r quite conservative....

as for ur mil, what partiality is she showing? Maybe there's a misunderstanding going on. Maybe ur mil has fed ur devrani s ears with something too. U never know....

24

Re: Torn between the bhabis..

As I stated earlier, we have been nothing but cordial towards her. Definitely not our fault if she acts insecure and immature :) I am still not able to grasp the idea of why comfort should be provided from just one side? Respect is mutual, again, as I stated earlier. Maybe in your family you guys don't make much effort to get to know the in-laws but in my family and pretty much everyone I know, noone possesses such mentality that everyone else should approach them and then they will act nicely. As for the devrani, my inlaws have a huge family.. besides my husband and his brothers, they also have 5 sisters, and her attitude is sugary sweet towards every single one including his cousins and extended family members. We are the only two sisters in law who have been obviously singled out which is why it is a problem. If we had treated her unfairly in any way, I wouldn't be starting a thread here :) We have made her feel nothing but welcomed and sadly have only gotten cold vibes back. For an example, my jethani went overboard and got her a small gold set for her engagement (something she did not need to do at all considering how expensive gold sets are and she could have just given one on the wedding) but she insisted because she thought of this new devrani as her new sister in the family and wanted to do something nice for her. I didn't buy any gold but did get her very expensive presents. The morning after the engagement, a brunch was hosted and while the devrani went around saying thank you to the mil and husband's cousins for the gifts they had given her, she totally ignored my jethani and I. I didn't care too much but it was just odd to me that she wouldn't even say thank you for such a nice, expensive gift. You really think that's normal? :) While I do agree with you about analyzing our own behaviors towards her, in this case there has been no meanness shown to the devrani from either of us especially from my jethani. The set is just an example, we both also pitched in money together and bought devrani a nice present for her birthday from Tiffany's not too long ago. I think from our side, we have shown as much kindness as possible but I guess it doesn't matter to some people :)

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Re: Torn between the bhabis..

i see, well then I guess all I can say is keep doing what you are doing. Just stay positive and you have have your jethani with you so you guys aren't a lone. I am sure everything will get better with devrani and mil also. Time heals these things. If u are good people, mil will realize. Best of luck inshalla...

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Re: Torn between the bhabis..

thanks so much, appreciate the feedback.

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Re: Torn between the bhabis..

No problem. Do update us when things change...!

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Re: Torn between the bhabis..

That caste thing kills me. I don't understand how anyone can make someone feel so bad about their background. Especially this day in age, it is very stupid. Your mil shoul not be treating your jethani differently because of that. Has her husband tried talking to your mil? And why was your jethani in tears? Maybe she and your mil have discussed this very issue already? I assume the devrani is the same caste as you and your mil? It really is so sad that caste is playing such a huge role in the treatment. But I wouldn't worry about the devrani, she's new and young. The really problem you two have is the mil. If the mil has said specific things to you, then work on trying to change those things. It could be other reasons that you two can work to change. Hope that helps.