His past was bound to come out, if not now then may be after marriage. Its good that you came to know it, even if you were not interested to know. I believe that the partners should reveal their past at the beginning of the relationship, so no one feels cheated afterwards. There is no correct or right path out of this situation, some people are strong enough to forget the past and look towards future, other simply cannot. Both are right in their own way.
I suppose had he told me in the beginning, things would have been different. I would have appreciated his honesty and moved along. As there would have been no attraction and mixing of both parties, it would have been easier to cut ties loose before any were bonded. I feel a little cheated he waited until 3 months to bring his past up when he knew about mine from the first week. Maybe if I had asked about it, things wouldn't have been like this.
Numerous sexual relationships, couple of them being interracial. If he hadn't revealed it, I wasn't going to ask about it.** When we were set up, he did say he had been single 'for a while'. **And I never asked for details. However, last week he mentioned the details completely unprovoked.
I would usually assume a guy who says 'I've been single for a while' means he's been in (prob sexual) relationships anyway.. it would be a bit naive to think otherwise imo..
I suppose had he told me in the beginning, things would have been different. I would have appreciated his honesty and moved along. As there would have been no attraction and mixing of both parties, it would have been easier to cut ties loose before any were bonded. I feel a little cheated he waited until 3 months to bring his past up when he knew about mine from the first week. Maybe if I had asked about it, things wouldn't have been like this.
You have to remember that revealing these things aren't easy to do, so he probably waited 3 months until he felt comfortable and knew that this relationship was going somewhere to tell you. I would rather have a guy be honest about his past than lie about it, or lie by omission. Being able to tell the truth/be honest to me is a very noble characteristic.
Its a good thing on the guy`s part that he told you the truth and its even better for you that you ended it ahead of time and going ahead with it because if it is bothering you now it would definitely hurt you later so its better you say your peace and move on. Now as far as moving on goes you guys were talking for 3 months only so its not going to be too bad hopefully.
you mentioned it ended on a bad note with no closure. how did you break it off with him? did you straight out tell him it was because of his past? what was his response?
What guarantee do you have that the next guy won't have a "past" ....cuz he could lie about it too, right? So, is this basically a case of ignorance is bliss? I can understand that a single preference...or rather requirement (and its absence thereof) can be a deal-breaker. But the ignorance is bliss approach.......where you said that if he hadn't told you about his past then you wouldn't have asked.....is what i find a bit odd. :/
Another story of a guy wanting to come clean before it all mattered. You’re down because you have a valid reason to, he’s out there on the moon free of any offered guilt because he’s aware he was genuinely honest when it truly all mattered.
Somehow seems the guy deserved better than he received here.
I suppose had he told me in the beginning, things would have been different. I would have appreciated his honesty and moved along. As there would have been no attraction and mixing of both parties, it would have been easier to cut ties loose before any were bonded. I feel a little cheated he waited until 3 months to bring his past up when he knew about mine from the first week. Maybe if I had asked about it, things wouldn't have been like this.
I'll give him credit that he spoke about it before the marriage. 3 months are not issue because may be he gauged you and decided that you deserve to know the truth and obviously it takes time to make that decision. Some people have nerve to make that decision in 3 minutes others take a lifetime.
Life is full of possibilities and opportunities and you will get an opportunity that is just right for you.
What guarantee do you have that the next guy won't have a "past" ....cuz he could lie about it too, right? So, is this basically a case of ignorance is bliss? I can understand that a single preference...or rather requirement (and its absence thereof) can be a deal-breaker. But the ignorance is bliss approach.......where you said that if he hadn't told you about his past then you wouldn't have asked.....is what i find a bit odd. :/
Me too..
There was a similar thread in All Views once and a lot of ppl seemed to agree with the ignorance is bliss thing tho..
Can't understand why someone would choose to stay ignorant.. aren't you doing yourself a disservice?
you mentioned it ended on a bad note with no closure. how did you break it off with him? did you straight out tell him it was because of his past? what was his response?
He asked whether it bothered me to which I replied yes. He proceeded to say hes not a bad person etc. I asked if the tables had been turned how would he have reacted. His response was, he would have stopped pursuing anything with me ,if I had a past. Went on to say I was wrong for letting his past bother me. A lot of back and forth. Mind you, I didn't make any judgemental remarks or defame him in anyway. He contacted me last night just to say I needed a 'playboy' who would tell me what I wanted to hear. And that he didn't regret telling me his past even though he knew it would have ended things despite wanting to build a foundation with me, 'badly'. Atleast his conscience was clear.
What guarantee do you have that the next guy won't have a "past" ....cuz he could lie about it too, right? So, is this basically a case of ignorance is bliss? I can understand that a single preference...or rather requirement (and its absence thereof) can be a deal-breaker. But the ignorance is bliss approach.......where you said that if he hadn't told you about his past then you wouldn't have asked.....is what i find a bit odd. :/
My initial post isn't leaning heavily on men and their pasts. I appreciate you taking the time out to post your thoughts, however I'd rather not be patronised over the decision I made.
He asked whether it bothered me to which I replied yes. He proceeded to say hes not a bad person etc. I asked if the tables had been turned how would he have reacted. Is response was he would have stopped pursuing anything with me if I had a past. Went on to say I was wrong for letting his past bother me. A lot of back and forth. Mind you, I didn't make any judgemental remarks or defame him in anyway. He contacted me last night just to say I needed a 'playboy' who would tell me what I wanted to hear. And that he didn't regret telling me his past even though he knew it would have ended things despite wanting to build a foundation with me, 'badly'. Atleast his conscience was clear.
Having met a guy who had a very, very colourful past - I think what bothered me the most was not so much the guy's past. I'll be honest, I didn't like the fact that he couldn't remember the number of women he had banged - that made me think that women were objects for him.
No, what bothered me more was that he had a similar attititude of: while I can be a former sinner and repent to God and you shouldn't hold my past against me, you (meaning me or any girl he married), should be lily white. He HATED the idea of my or any other girl having a past. It's this hypocrisy that I find untenable.
The fact that the "relationship" is over might sting a bit now, but honestly you're better off without him. Him changing his ways isn't enough by itself, great that he's changed his ways. But he hasn't necessarily changed his mindset - this guy seems to lack equal consideration of women. You wouldn't be happy with someone like that.
I asked if the tables had been turned how would he have reacted. Is response was he would have stopped pursuing anything with me if I had a past.
End of story, no need to discuss further or feel bad about it. You had your answer and based on that you made a wise decision, no need to feel guilty over it.
After having such illustrious life, he is saying that he is not a bad person, then who is a bad person anyway? I am feeling guilty why I'm not living pious life like him (sarcasm :D). I have a feeling his future wife will have a hard time, unless she matches him equally in such matters or has a strong family to back her up.
Let me tell you... I have many a friends - guys and girls alike who have said they will fully lie to the guy/girl they want to marry about their past just to save face and not have broken rishtas.
So yeah the next guy could be that guy. BUT I'm not gonna lie, I'm glad you're not pursuing this rishta... he sounds like a grade A @sswipe for his double standard.
