I know its depressing, and thank you very much to make it even worst.
It started out abt three years back, when I WAS NOT ENGAGED. that was this stupid mIRC. we were like very good net-friends. use to spend lot of time discussing anything and everything. I dont know exactly when i have started 'feeling' that i am getting into some serious kind of attachment over here. and I told her about it. And I PROPOSED HER straight forwardly and the very same moment she brought up so many cultural, religious and social differences between us that just set us apart. that was a clear hard NO. Ok, that’s it, I thought its over. it was only a one sided affection. I told her that I am sorry if i was irrational and tht i wont bother you again. after that we almost stopped communicating with each other or we both got lil more conscious about our relationship and wanted not to let things out of our control.
Few months later my parents asked me for my cousin whom I have been a very best friend when she stayed with us for her studies for about four years and boy she is such a gorgeous girl of our family that I know few of my male cousins seeking her kindness all the time and unfortunately (may be), she got involved in me, fell so madly in love with me that I have become everything to her. I wanted distraction and thought its better to please some one who adores me from the depths of her heart and If i ain't gonna get the one i wanted let the other one gets what has become the matter of life n death for her. so I AGREED, and that brought my parents a relief as it also settled down few of our recent family clashes, though they know she’s not my match but believed that we can make a good couple. I tried to get the other girl off my mind and I was able to do so to some extent and it was much clearer that every thing is getting to be normal again.
and only then situation took another twist, the same IRC girl emailed me one day telling that she had been thinking of me all this time and that she discovered that she might have gotten involved in me. I emailed her back telling tht YOU ARE TOO LATE MY DEAR. Now this is the whole situation. and she didn reply for a week. and then she came on chat told me that she coud not have her meals this week. what a misery! I did every thing i could with a clear mind to get her back on her life. We talked n talked this matter and came to the conclusion that we should stop our correspondence. and so did us.
that was quite a long break, in fact more than a year. Even I came lil closer to my fiancée and every thing was going to be normal and then I got another email that she wants to be just friend of mine. and that was may be the mistake that i thought. Well, it’s ok to be just friends. we again started chatting on msn. but that was just a thought. We started sharing our life, our problems with each other, most of the time my fiancée, my engagement, differences the way we both think, take life, and some recent problems were the topics. Unintentionally she made me realized that how compatible we both are and every single thing she does is same as I always wanted to be in my life partner. I started avoiding her out of the fear that it’s not gonna be right but started developing very strong feelings for her at the same time. I even told her quite a few times that I don’t want to keep on chatting with you. And every time I found myself blocking her on msn or not replying to any of her email and she knew it, she knew it that I am avoiding her. But I could not go on like this much longer, bust opened one day, told her that how she has made my life such a misery hoping it’s going to be our last chat but she too was depressed, cried so hard that I started thinking there might be some way out.
I said to her, that you will have to take stand for me just as I am going to take for you. And what a great thinking, I don’t blame you for it. You said you don’t want to be the reason for my very stand for you. If I have to break my engagement with all the consequences it can put our family into I have to do it on my own, only due to the reason that we have differences with each other and do not seem to spend a good married life. And my feelings for you should not be considered as a reason. And do not expect that you will get me even after breaking up with your current commitment. And I will have to come to your status and stuff. I am not the type who commits easily and breaks it in a while. I don’t commit and if I commit I really mean it and that’s what I am known for in my real life. But some how I agreed to her to take stand on my own.
Anyways, with the stipulation that I won’t make her part of my decision I shared my thoughts with my Daddi Maan Jee, my fiancée has already become such a sweet heart to her, and she went to depression listening that I want to break my engagement. And she is the one lady I never wanted to hurt n she just got hurt by me. I could not believe what I was doing. I asked my parents -my father and step-mom both were shocked. I told my fiancé and she turned pale, told me that she can not think of any body else and can not imagine life with out me even told me it will be okay if I have to do a second marriage, she can live with it. She just wanted to be on my side for all of her life. This was such a terrible situation.
It stayed this way more than a month, tension increased with every single moment passed by. It looks kinda weird if I say that I have not seen that girl in my real life just because of the reason, she does not like to meet in person though I always desperately wanted it and urged her for it but never wanted to use any other mean in this regard. Once she sent me a small id size pic with the condition to delete it the moment I see it. And I did that. But now at this point all I wanted a little support from her, to meet her in person, traveled 800 miles to her city n back, spent a whole week there though I have had some other purposes of the visit but in the back of my mind I dreadfully wanted to get an encounter. And I told her all that, she came to visit me much reluctantly but Allah did not want it to happen. I waited there for one hr, and went checking up on every shop nearby, meanwhile she came in and went back and I could not get to see her. I wanted it another time and she refused it so rudely. She had to go out of city for sometime and My land-line bill went to 42K of two months, almost all of her number which I had to bear alone when she was supposed to share it with me and she did not come back on this topic when I was looking for help. Doesn’t mean she cant afford that, she does belong to a well off family, do a good job but I tend to judge things in my own way, if I were her I would not have let me even ask for it second time and after all of this, all I was answered, that she does not feel right about meeting with me until I get 100% free from my current commitment. I happen to be a cool witty dude in my home but now everybody stares at me and her words just ignited me inside. And I said well, ok then I don’t feel right about chatting so I am not going to chat with you unless I made my mind clear about our relationship. So did me…
And by the time I am writing all this I have realized how damn idiot I was, not seeing the best things around me, taking every one as granted for some kind of distant glitter. But after all of this I don’t know why I still want to remain that idiot. Anyway, I am not here for any kind of apology, just trying to channelise my anger and frustration. Want you guys to help me out instead of pointing fingers on me. It’s always very easy to pass comments from outside but in-side the ring it’s all a totally different story. I may deserve better suggestions than to be only called as dodo and moron or may be your prayers. Thank you anyways for taking your time to read all this junk!
And concerning taking responsibility, well I do take full responsibility and I wish I should be the one facing all the consequences but it’s not only me. It has so many strings attached and believe me decisions like this are not easy to make and easy to go with. Allah may not put anybody else into this situation.
PS: thankyou every one who is lending me the supporting hand here. I feel lil better now.
Love sucks!
it’ll hurt in the beginning, but Allah swt will reward u for choosing the right path and will definitely make things easy for u inshallah. surely.
thats painful…trust me!