Ok so i need your opinions on on this.
A very close cousin of mine is married for 7 years into a very educated and well off family.
she herself belongs to the same kind of family and has done her MBA Finance from a very prestigious university in Karachi, Pakistan.
all her schooling have been great.
her husband also highly qualified and posted at a hi-fi job in multinational organization.
my cousin used to work in a corporate sector after her studies got completed and before her marriage just to pass her time and to get a feel of the corporate world. then she left work before her wedding as she never was a career minded girl nor have any passion to work as such.
now the problem is that in her in-laws particularly in her immediate in-laws every women is working after marriage as well. she has 1 married “Nand” with kids who work as marketing manager in a multinational. her 1 “jhetani” is teaching at a private university and 1 dewrani is also working full time at an office. her mom-in law doesn’t work though. the problem is that since everyone in their family works they all particularly her husband expects her to work as well. from the initial years of her marriage they keep on telling her that why she has left her job in a subtle manner. then she got kids, one is 6 years and another is 4 years so things remained under control till the second kid turned 3 and started school. now that both kids are in school her husband has again started for last 1 year that why she doesn’t take up a job. from time to time he taunts her and say things like she does nothing and just sit at home and have a fun. that she should work as its no use of her if she just sit like that at home even when she is highly educated. they all live in separate portions of the same house and whenever her husband watch his bhabhis leave for work he taunts her that look how women do work and not just sit around at home.
they have maids at home who do the household chores and my cousin doesn’t have much household chores to do but she takes care a very good care of her kids and of her home. also they are a member of social club and she is also very active socially. she doesn’t want to work however, and her reason for not to work is just simple that she doesn’t like it for herself. she is of the opinion that even if she doesn’t have much chores to do at home and is highly qualified even then she has a right to say no to work and it should be her freedom to chose for herself whether she wants to take up a job or not and that no one should taunt her or push her to work. she says if there is a financial reason then i will definately work but not just to kill the time or to get the approval of other people when i don’t want to do it by my heart. things are getting a bit tensed between her and her husband just because of this. also note that they do not need women to work for economic reasons infact no man in their family take a cent from their wives salaries neither do they let their wives spend a cent from thier salaries. all ladies in her family just keeps in their own bank accounts so her in-laws or husband are not greedy at all but just says she must work because all others are working these days.
now i want to ask you is it necessary for a wive that she must keep herself engaged in some kind of work? either household chores or a job? is it not okay if she takes care of her husband, her home, her kids genuinely? is it necessary that if you work outside your work or if you do household chores at home only then you will be considered usefu land worthy?
In Islam too a women is not bound to do to household chores and can keep maids if possible and neither is she bound to take up a job, so do you think should let in to her husband wish and take up a job killing her heart or she should stand up for her freedom?
Its exactly for reasons like that, that one should ask the prospective husband to be what his take is on things like that. I knew clear in my mind that I did not want to work after marriage and made that clear to any prospective rishta. Some people ran away because of that, but its better to clear these things at the start. Regarding whether she should work or not, then yes, what you say is true. According to Islam, she has a right to stay at home and she has right to maids as well. There is also no law that bounds her to work.
Like someone said, these things need to be discussed prior to marriage, especially if there are strong opinions involved. Without knowing the full background it's hard to advise anything.
Oh and her husband doesn't want her to work for the money, it's all about bragging rights.
Its her right to work, yes. But I think what her husband wants is to see his wife become a productive member of society. If she doesn't want to work, she can give her time to do some volunteer work, tutor or something else that interests her. Either way, being productive is important.
Why can't she take up a part time position to find the balance. If it starts to affect her kids I would assume the husband would realize this on his own in due time. You emphasized many times they are well educated and well off but it's hard to imagine a practical person forcing his wife to work if she wishes to stay home on her own accord for her children, just because he wants her to get out of the house. Maybe she's to active socially and that could mean a lot of things, maybe her husband isnt okay with her not being productive in her home life as much as she is in her social life ? I'm not to sure if that's a right assumption but there seems like there's more to this story like others have said. Either way, who is this girl and how can I have her life?
ALL, Thanks for the advises.
yes i agree that this thing should have been clarified at the time of proposal so both parties could have known each other's opinions on the subject.
when her proposal came, my cousin and aunt did mention that she is not a careen minded girl and just working to get some feel. the guy or his family didn't comment on this as such. also during her engagement period which was very short by the way(just about 3 months) this discussion didn't come up. @Reha: yes we should all be productive but isn't a woman productive and contributing if she is taking good care of her kids and bringing them up well?
she is upset as why she cant be respected by her husband for what she is.
@S and S: no her husband is quite okay with her active socially. infact, she is not socially active in her own circle but in the circle of her husband as well and her husband is quite comfortable with the way she is able to socialize with his corporate peers and friends.
some of us have suggested her for part time work or some charity work but she is finding it hard to let go of her philosophy and to work just to please her husband.
Of course no one should be forced to do something they don't want to but her lifestyle doesn't really sound very productive. She has maids to do house work, kids are in school and husband at work all day. Saying that she keeps herself busy with social activities doesn't sound very good. My aunty has been a housewife in islamabad all her life. She is married to a rich businessman. She also keeps herself busy in these social activities and they mainly involve shopping or gatherings where all they do is gossip and talk ****. My uncle always got annoyed at her and asked her to get a job but she never did and gave same reasons that they are very stable financially and she's socially very active.
You should tell her to do something productive with her life. Volunteer somewhere, or even get involved in kids after school activities by organizing events. Being a member of a social club really isn't productive.
Continue a life of ease with no peace (continouse fights with her husband)
Find an interest and do something productive
If she chooses to enjoy the benefits married to this guy, she must give something in return to him to keep things fair. It doesn't sound like the husband has demanded that she take care of the kids and socialize with his social circle and therefore she needs to see that one has to give in a relationship, not just take.
Well, part of what/who she is happens to be a woman with a MBA in fiance who is clearly capable of having a job.
Wait…she’s having a hard time doing something simply to please her husband?!
She and her family obviously didn’t make it clear to the husband that she had no intention of ever working after marriage despite having an MBA in fiance and despite having a corporate job before. Due to her education/job history, it looks like the husband/his family had an expectation that once the kids are in school, she would do more than be “social”.
This is a relatively easy problem to solve. Even if not a full-time job, she can easily get involved in a local charity and volunteer on a part-time basis. But if she would rather hold onto her ego and not do anything (job or vounteer) to please her husband…then she better get used to the taunts. Whether it’s right or wrong…her husband and his family are not going to change their views on this anytime soon. It sucks for her but she really doesn’t have any other choice as long as she remains in this marriage.
she herself belongs to the same kind of family and has done her MBA Finance from a very prestigious university in Karachi, Pakistan.
all her schooling have been great. now that both kids are in school her husband has again started for last 1 year that why she doesn't take up a job.
they have maids at home who do the household chores and my cousin doesn't have much household chores to do but she takes care a very good care of her kids and of her home.
If kids are in school and maids are taking care of the household chores, what is she doing to take care of the home?
@Reha: yes we should all be productive but isn't a woman productive and contributing if she is taking good care of her kids and bringing them up well?
When the kids come home from school, what does she do? How does she spend her time with the kids?
So in a nutshell, a woman can only be productive if either she's cooking and cleaning as she can't afford hired help or if her kids don't go to school or if she's employed.
Because if she has hired help and kids go to school and she's not working under someone else - then she's being unproductive and not being useful.
If she doesn't want to work, she doesn't want to work. Even if she's sitting on her butt all day watching tv, no one should ask her to get a job if she doesn't want to.
Maybe her husband is concerned about her health and fitness? She could keep herself busy with hobbies or volunteering during the day when the kids are at school.
End of the day if she doesn't want to work she shouldn't have to. If they are financially stable why should she? Even though she is capable why should she? Maybe she doesn't want to be stuck in a job as working doesn't please her. It's not what she enjoys.
If kids are in . school and maids are taking care of the household chores, what is she doing to take care of the home?
When the kids come home from school, what does she do? How does she spend her time with the kids?
Even if you have number of maids in Pakistan, you really have to be on your foot with an alert mind to get things and chores done by them in an organized manner. in my own house we have maids to do the household chores but believe me i have always seen my mother running after one maid or the other to keep a home in an organized fashion. if she leaves them on their own things just couldn't work.
and same is the case with my cousin, she has help around but doesn't mean she sleeps in her bedroom and leaves the entire house on maids. so she does take care of her home
when kids are home from school (she picks them up herself) they do lunch together, then their Qari Sahab comes to teach Quran, then she helps them with the homework, her daughter who is 6 is really fond of arts and crafts and my cousin spends about an hour everyday with her daughter doing this activity with her.
also since her kids want to have some baked goodies every evening, she bakes different things each evening and the ntakes up to her mom in-law portion where all kids gather in the evenings and treats them all.
also not because i will find her all good because she is my cousin, but this is a fact that her kids are really well behaved and respects their elders and maids very well. she tries really well to impart good values into them.
She really needs to have a discussion with her husband about this so she can understand his reasoning and they can reach a compromise. all any of us can do is guess and give our opinions based on our own understanding of the experience.
