I think yours got to me the best post i have read in this thread so far even though you are also not necessairly agreeing with me. But all that you said makes sense and i respect you for that really.
Often in-laws can be hard to manage and thats very unfortunate and they should know that they r also making life difficult for theirself cuz if alls not well then all this moving out thing will come into discussion and they wont be happy about that. BUT all that i ask is try and adjust and make it a family dont just run away from day 1. I hope its not too much to ask for.
Btw, the incident that u mentioned at the begining of yr marriage…well that was wrong of yr mil and also yr husband cuz he shud have told his mom that he asked u for it. So i think the guy really has a very important and crucial role to play in the marriage cuz he gotta balance out both his relations and make sure everyones getting along.
*Are you married??? Or are you just upset at your bhabhi?? *
A son/husband living separately with his wife away from his parents, does NOT mean that his parents have 'lost' him. How insecure can the parents be? I love my parents and my mom is my best friend but I am not going to apologize for the fact that I want to spend the first few years of my married life without his or my parents living with us. My fiance's and my parents are independent, have their own lives and honestly they are not interested in living with us at all. They want us to live our own lives and be comfortable. That does not mean we love them any less or we will neglect them. God forbid if his or my parents are sick and need us, they of course we will whole heartedly take them in with us and take complete care of them. But as long as they are independent and have their own lives, why can't we have our own as well?? And I am not 'all about' living separately from in-laws. My in-laws are very sweet and don't interfere at all!! And I have no problem living with them because they are very decent people who respect all our decisions and don't impose their views on us. It's actually my fiance who needs his own 'space'!! Does that mean my fiance doesn't love his parents????
I honestly don't understand why parents are so keen on staying with their son after he is married. My mother would not like to live with my brother and his wife since she has her own life and understands that every woman wants to run her house HER way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
As for you saying that there is NO reason for a girl to demand separate accommodation, well it's girls like you who take away rights from girls. Also, who gives you the right to decide that it's the girl who has to live with the guy's parents and not vice versa?? Why are you promoting cultural vices? The Quran has told us time and again to take care of our aging parents...nowhere does the Quran discriminate between a son and daughter.
Frankly speaking I hate this cultural system. A son cannot take care of his elderly parents the way a daughter can. Women are nurturers, they know how to take care of their loved ones. Aging parents don't just need financial support. They need a lot of love, time and patience and a daughter is better equipped to provide them that. That doesn't mean sons don't love their parents. Of course they do but they are not able to nurture the way a daughter can. So I think aging parents should move in with the daughter as opposed to this century long Hindu practice of relying solely on the son.
Its such sick and twisted thinking when you see people labeling a bahu as chalak and hoshiyar if she wants to help her own parents.
It really is sickening!! The poor girl is ostracized in some families if she has the audacity to want to take care of her parents! The girl has an obligation towards her parents too! Why do people think just because a girl is married, she has to serve her in-laws and totally get involved in their life and distance herself from her own family! Again, typical Hindu concept!! Such jahilana thinking!
And as Reha said, what might be perfectly acceptable to you might not be acceptable to the next person. In-laws who are constantly interfering and feel that they will 'lose' their son if he commits the sin of moving out think that they are doing absolutely nothing wrong. They are often in denial! They don't realize how intrusive they are getting! It's the guy's responsibility to set it straight!
One of my friends is engaged and her mother in law is so intrusive! She is a Sikh girl so they don't have any restriction of not hanging out before they are married . Her fiance works out of town so she hardly gets to see him. However whenever he is in town and they hang out, the mother in law comes along and sees absolutely nothing wrong with that!! She comes every single time! And if the two of them just go out for coffee, she calls every 10 minutes asking for grocery!! Sure, she isn't slapping my friend left, right and center but she is definitely making her go through mental torture. When my friend mentioned to her fiance that his mother is being insecure, he replies back saying well that's a normal reaction from any mother! $%$@!??? Seriously??? Even HE doesn't think there is anything wrong with her behaviour then why on earth will the mother think otherwise???
Are you married??? Or are you just upset at your bhabhi??
I would have been if my bhabi was your kind. But fortunately we are a sane family :=) thank you very much for your concern but i think you should be more concerned for yrself considering your views :) Goodluck.
One of my friends is engaged and her mother in law is so intrusive! She is a Sikh girl so they don't have any restriction of not hanging out before they are married . Her fiance works out of town so she hardly gets to see him. However whenever he is in town and they hang out, the mother in law comes along and sees absolutely nothing wrong with that!! She comes every single time! And if the two of them just go out for coffee, she calls every 10 minutes asking for grocery!! Sure, she isn't slapping my friend left, right and center but she is definitely making her go through mental torture. When my friend mentioned to her fiance that his mother is being insecure, he replies back saying well that's a normal reaction from any mother! $%$@!??? Seriously??? Even HE doesn't think there is anything wrong with her behaviour then why on earth will the mother think otherwise???
Why is your friend still with the guy? She is only engaged, she shud get out of this relationship cuz she can c the guy is not thinking of her mom's actions as involvement. So instead of later on fighting over this why not make your decision rite now....
A sane family that thinks if the son is moving out, they are losing him?? Sure, if that's what sanity means to you.....:)
I am just glad I am not marrying into a family that thinks they will lose their son if he moves out!! I am glad my in-laws WANT us to live alone :)
LOL! Good for you. Btw maybe it will be surprising for you but not everything i post here is about my family or what is going at my home. So GROW UP!
If a son is moving out cuz his wife just doesnt feel like living with the in-laws then the inlaws wl definately not be happy about the whole thing. Maybe thats how cold you are as a family but i bet most are not so dont be surprised.
Maham, we'll see how you feel when you're married and you're living under someone else's roof under their rules.
Realistically, it all boils down to power control. No one likes being told what to do with their lives, and no one feels like they need to be making really big saccrifices to keep the egos of their inlaws in check but for many families, this is what happens.
Some families do a good job of treating their DIL's like real daughters, but for all we know girls like your babhi may just be silently unhappy. Or even if they are happy, doesn't mean this lifestyle works for everyone else.
It does help save money wasted in rent, though, I'll give you that.
LOL! Good for you. Btw maybe it will be surprising for you but not everything i post here is about my family or what is going at my home. So GROW UP!
If a son is moving out cuz his wife just doesnt feel like living with the in-laws then the inlaws wl definately not be happy about the whole thing. Maybe thats how cold you are as a family but i bet most are not so dont be surprised.
^ Judging from the responses in this thread, I guess most of us are cold hearted monsters....Oh well at least we are all happy in our marriages and don't have to deal with people who think just because we are living separately, we have SNATCHED their son away from them....as if the son is a baby in diapers who needs to sit on his parents' lap and be fed by them.
If the in-laws are not happy about the son moving out because he wants to make his wife happy......ever thought that these in-laws might be C-O-N-T-R-O-L-L-I-N-G? :)
Why is your friend still with the guy? She is only engaged, she shud get out of this relationship cuz she can c the guy is not thinking of her mom's actions as involvement. So instead of later on fighting over this why not make your decision rite now....
I am not the one engaged to this guy. My friend is and I have told her repeatedly she needs to think it over. She is very unhappy with his mother but in Sikh culture you don't break off engagements. Sikh culture is very conservative, much more than ours. In their view, engagement is pretty much marriage. She is hoping things will change and he will listen to her but I highly doubt it. I just pray she has a happy marriage.