To Tell or Not To Tell

Lifestyle Relationships
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A very good friend of mine is happily married with children. We do socialize as couples too and invite eachother for dawats, etc.

He has disclosed to me that he is cheating. Not on a regular basis and not with some permanent “girlfriend” but one off one night stands while he travels out of town.

He is otherwise a very “caring” and responsible husband and father.

I meet his wife during family gatherings and I feel so bad for her sometimes. I think she needs to be told of her hubby’s shannanigans.

I have tried talking to my friend so he stops cheating on his wife but he has laughed it off. If I continue pestering him he will stop sharing his secrets with me. So I have just turned into a “good listener”.

If I disclose it to his wife, then ofcourse our friendship will end and honestly I am not too worried about that. What worries me is that his wife will dump his butt and that’s not something I want to start.

Any thoguhts?

PS. please no lecture on how much of a sleazebag this guy is. I know that.

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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

Iconoclast is really experienced in this. You should PM him for advice.

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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

next time he brings it up, just say youre not interested and change the subject. He'll probly quit once he no longer has a sounding board for his "exploits". Or he'll find another one who might not be as considerate. That wud be fun.

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Your friend "laughs it off" when you try to reason with him???? This shows that he does not "care" about his wife at all.

Guys like this throw a hissy fit and start screaming "talaq talaq talaq" when they find out that their wife is sleeping around on them. The double-standards and hypocrisy are unbelievable.

Funguy............if your own sister was in this situation.........wouldn't you want her to know the truth so that she can spend the rest of her life with dignity and with someone who loves her sincerely? If YOU were in her shoes.......wouldn't you want to know if your wife is cheating on you?

If this guy is cheating.......then maybe there is something lacking in his marriage. But that is not justification to cheating. If you have issues with your spouse.......talk to them about it to fix the marriage.........don't have an affair.

Have you read the thread created by Anjana a few months ago? She had posted that her Khala is divorcing her husband becuase he was having an extramarital affiar and contracted HIV. She never saw it coming because she assumed that their marriage was a healthy and happy one.

Life is unpredictable, anything can happen. What if this sleazebag picks up an STD from one of his one-night stands and passes it to his wife. Does that innocent and dedicated woman deserve to live the rest of her life medicating herself for some nasty virus passed on to her?

It is clear that you don't value the friendship you have with this douchbag because it's clear you no longer have respect for him.

Do the right thing..............inform the wife somehow. She has the right to know. Her health and her future is being toyed with. And her committment and time and efforts are being secretly mocked by her husband.

Final - India v Sri Lanka, (06 April 2014) Shere Bangla National Stadium, Mirpur
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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

^ What about the children? Should he not stay quiet for the sake of keeping the family together? Funguy will be removing a wonderful and loving father from his children if he informs the wife that their father/her husband is a lying cheat.

(I'm only repeating what i read from some posters a few weeks ago on a similar topic)

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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

I would want to know.

Not only is her marriage at stake, so is her health. I know it won't be fun to be the bearer of bad news, but I think it's important to tell.

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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

rv, take it easy and please DO NOT use the QUOTE button to reply on the same PAGE. My goodness!

What idiot contracts STDs in this day and age? STDs was the thing of the pre-condom 80's.

Anyway, thanks for the advice and please stop giving emotional analogies. Don't be comparing it to sister...she is NOT my sister so your stupid comparison is really stupid.

While I am at it, please no replies in pink and green fonts. I have zero regard for their intellect levels.

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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

Why not compare to your sister? Its a sign of empathy when you can see things from the perspective of a victim. If she was your sister, you'd go a-wall on this gay. I mean guy.

STD's are a reality. They get contracted. You might think he's using a condom and he's not. Condom might break. Condoms still let viruses through, although yeah the risk of HIV is markedly decreased with proper condom use. Doesn't mean the only thing connecting here is a penis and a vagina though, so its not uncommon for HIV to enter through the oral mucosa or anal mucosa.

It's never a nice thing for a woman to be deceived by her husband. You should know that.

If I could go and find the woman whose husband was so much as talking to me while he was with her, I'd let her know what he had been doing. No, funguy?

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Stupidguy,

Grow up. Your response to my post indicates your immaturity. DUH…she’s not your sister. I have zero regard for your…oh wait…you don’t have any intellect.

Your’e right, STDS are obsolete (what a joke!). Condoms are 100% effective. Although your existence…the result of a condom not being put to use.

:rotfl:

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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

As expected the GS zanana-parade comes to the rescue...of the WOMAN.

Hello!!!!!!!!

This thread was for me... to tell or not to tell. I don't care what kind of an idiot she is living with. She chose him, so she has to live with it.

Am I morally obligated to tell? That's my simple question.

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And THAT question was answered. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!! It was mentioned in my post that telling would be the right thing to do.

Are you obligated to tell? NO!

Are you MORALLY obligated to tell: YES!

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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

OK thanks rv...you may leave this topic now. I will PM you when needed.

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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

That's something you have to decide yourself, though.

Do you feel guilty about knowing?

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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

Yes FG, although that opinion can differ from person to person.

I believe you do have a moral obligation. That being said, if you don’t want to get involved, I suggest you end the friendship completely. It may end regardless if you do go ahead and tell … but if you don’t, I don’t know how you will manage interacting with his wife while playing dumb. I don’t even know how you will be able to live with yourself.

STDs are a reality. The children deserve a ‘better’ father. What kind of role model is he and what kind of example is he setting by lying to his family? :rolleyes:

At the end of the day, you are the one who has to decide.

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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

Tell him that you feel his wife has the right to know. If he will not be telling her, you feel you have to. I think it would be best to inform him first, but yeah, it will mean the end of your friendship. That seems to be something you can live with, so I say go for it.

Unfortunately, people are idiots, ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex, so STDs are very much a reality.

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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

I do not feel guilty about knowing. I do feel like crap when I see her. She is a very good person.

Mehnaz, easier said than done. It's a 30 year long friendship.

Sahar, no I will NEVER threaten him about telling his wife. That won't do any good.

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Re: To Tell or Not To Tell

^ Is there a way that you can communicate with the wife without having to do so directly? If you feel like crap, that's almost like feeling a bit guilty about knowing something she should know about.

Maybe through another trusted party that could give her a hint? Altough this is hard to do if the secret is only known by you and your friend. Is there any way to lead her to this information?

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I don't mean it as a threat (tho I see how it will be taken as one). I just mean that it is best to be straightforward with him, rather than go behind his back. It will feel more like a gossipy auntie the other way.

I guess if you do decide to tell him, you can simply say something like, "Look, you make your choices, and I just want you to know that I don't like knowing about this when it could potentially be harmful to your wife, so I will tell her what's going on."

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Why do you listen to him? You're encouraging him without even saying anything.

funguy, she had the decency to take you seriously and really reply to you. Most people wont give you that consideration because the answer to them is pretty obvious.

You are obligated to tell because you now know of his infidelity. If you dont say anything, you are part of his cheating and deceiving.

Treat others as you would want to be treated yourself...that should make this simple enough for you.

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why is he sharing it with you? and second of all why are u listening him? i give a piece of mind to those ppl who think that i will sit like a dumbster and listen to their bukwas.