When your inlaws upset you or make you feel sad, do you think it’s a good idea to confront them about it or just let it go? For example, leaving you out of important decisions, making you feel like an outsider or inferior compared to other family members.. but when they need something from you, suddenly it’s ‘ure the bahu of the family, u shud do this’. It’s best to communicate in most situations but when it comes to inlaws, is it even worth it?
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I've learnt there's only so much a person can do. There comes a time when its just not worth the hassle anymore.
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What important decisions? If it's decisions related to their family and family members apart from your husband, why do you need to be involved?
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Have you talked to your husband about this?
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If the decisions are about matters regarding you, then tell you husband to let his family know that your input needs to be considered, so that lets the others know you must be included. As Pcg said, if it's a decision regarding family members besides your husband and which won't really impact you both, your involvement is not necessary. You can always, as a courtesy, offer help when you come to know about it. If relations with your in-laws are strained, then excluding you spares you the drama; so it could be a blessing; gives you time to concentrate on other things. If you still really want to feel included; then tell your MIL that you want to help out as you consider their problems your own. Word it in a warmer way and not so much as a complaint if you think the latter will backfire and hurt your marriage in the process. But talk to your husband, first.
Also, could it be that maybe you're expecting to be invited to discussions...whereas your in-laws might be okay with you just joining in? Sometimes difference in perceptions or expectations leads to misunderstandings.
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ignore them as they ignore you and ONLY then they will know how much it hurts! :)
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^If she treats them exactly as they treat her, she could end up hurting her marriage. If her husband has already tried talking to his parents to no avail, then an attitude from her could harden them more. If she feels she's often taken advantage of...then she can limit how much she helps out. Or just readjust her views; she can help her in-laws with the goal of strengthening her marriage and as a good deed for Allah's sake and expect reward from Him as opposed to expecting it (in any form...approval/acceptance) from her in-laws.
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If it's about your brother in-law's marriage, please stay out of it. Thanks.
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^If she treats them exactly as they treat her, she could end up hurting her marriage. If her husband has already tried talking to his parents to no avail, then an attitude from her could harden them more. If she feels she's often taken advantage of...then she can limit how much she helps out. Or just readjust her views; she can help her in-laws with the goal of strengthening her marriage and as a good deed for Allah's sake and expect reward from Him as opposed to expecting it (in any form...approval/acceptance) from her in-laws.
i believe that people will ONLY stop ruling over you if you let them...the more you play "miss nice gal", the worse their treatment will get.
nek ke saath nek aur TeRhe ke saath TeRhaa baneN...yehi meraa paiGhaam hai! :)
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She doesn’t have to be a doormat. She doesn’t have to bend over backwards. But if she treats them exactly the way that they treat her…un dono main koi faraq nahi rahay ga. Also, it’s not worth straining her marriage. She can reduce her niceness…be a bit tougher so she’s not taken advantage off and still remain civil while doing so. I don’t advocate being nasty or cold to the in-laws and stooping to that level. Most likely they will just harden toward her; it won’t make them wake up and realize their mistakes. It’ll just start a back and forth cycle of badtameezi/revenge between both parties. Also, places her husband…who should be heloing to bridge the gap if ge isn’t…in a tricky situation. Door tak k consequences ko dekhna chahiye not just the option that provides immediate relief but long term headaches. :rollseyes:
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What important decisions? If it's decisions related to their family and family members apart from your husband, why do you need to be involved?
I don't have time to interfere in issues that don't concern me. I was referring to decisions they make that impact me. Do you now get why I need to be involved?
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I've learnt there's only so much a person can do. There comes a time when its just not worth the hassle anymore.
You're right.
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If it's about your brother in-law's marriage, please stay out of it. Thanks.
Where did I say it's anything about anyone's marriage?
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Safinaz: No, I don't think it's a good idea to ever confront your in-laws if you feel there are issues that need to be address or if you're unhappy about something they're doing repeatedly. The best thing to do is to speak with your husband and ask him to deal with his family.
Speaking of husbands....these decisions that your in-laws are making that impact you....are they involving your husband in those decisions?
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i’m always on the side of women because i feel that it’s always women who are asked by the society [in unspoken words] to sacrifice, to give-in, to make compromise, to tolerate, to bear the inflictions/abuses by husbands, brothers, fathers and society at large including in-laws. would a man/in-laws/society at large be expected to do the same in favor of women…the answer is NO! so, why women be subjected to second class citizenry?
i hate heavy handedness in relationships on women by men, in-laws/society, and will never accept it, bear it or counsel in it’s favor.
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^I don't think support should be based solely on gender. You look at problem in it's entirety; from more than one angle. Women are not infallible. Acting in the same deplorable manner as one has been the recipient of usually damages relationships. The people who mistreat you are not seeing clearly to begin with and if you reciprocate the same nastiness, they tend to get blinded by rage/ego as opposed to being humbled or realizing their mistakes; the latter is usually not the immediate reaction.
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If it concerns you or impacts you...then let your husband handle it.
If not - who cares?
Calm yourself.
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^I don't think support should be based solely on gender. You look at problem in it's entirety; from more than one angle. Women are not infallible. Acting in the same deplorable manner as one has been the recipient of usually damages relationships. The people who mistreat you are not seeing clearly to begin with and if you reciprocate the same nastiness, they tend to get blinded by rage/ego as opposed to being humbled or realizing their mistakes; the latter is usually not the immediate reaction.
if someone mistreats a loved one and or tries to dominate then that relationship is NOT worth it. women must stand on their own two feet economically by opting for higher education and then building a career, ONLY then no one will be able to take advantage of them.
abuse begets abuse!
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^ That may be true, but it's not clear that the situation is antagonistic and abusive in the way you imply. By assuming that and acting accordingly, the OP could simply make things worse.
OP, since we don't really know what's going on, what the involved people and relationships are like, it's hard to say. But if it's decisions that affect you, then you do need to speak up -- to your husband. No decision that affects your life should be made without your input and really you and your husband should be making these decisions together. Your husband should be the expert on dealing with and understanding how to interact with his family members. You need to speak to him about this.