^ That may be true, but it's not clear that the situation is antagonistic and abusive in the way you imply. By assuming that and acting accordingly, the OP could simply make things worse.
OP, since we don't really know what's going on, what the involved people and relationships are like, it's hard to say. But if it's decisions that affect you, then you do need to speak up -- to your husband. No decision that affects your life should be made without your input and really you and your husband should be making these decisions together. Your husband should be the expert on dealing with and understanding how to interact with his family members. You need to speak to him about this.
i'm talking generally...i'm showing a bigger picture of which OP's situation is just one part...i talked about the basic reason why women are in this situation world wide.
^ I know and I don't disagree with you. But sometimes when we apply these general ideas to specific situations we end up unfairly villifying the people in our lives and making building a relationship difficult. A good person may be annoying, careless, unintentionally rude etc; that is different from being malicious or oppressive, but sometimes it looks the same on a superficial level. It temporarily might make us feel better to hurl accusations at someone who is bothering or upsetting us, but it doesn't help improve relationships.
Frankly, I think that if major decisions are being made for the OP without her input, the husband needs to take responsibility and work to change things around.
^ I know and I don't disagree with you. But sometimes when we apply these general ideas to specific situations we end up unfairly villifying the people in our lives and making building a relationship difficult. A good person may be annoying, careless, unintentionally rude etc; that is different from being malicious or oppressive, but sometimes it looks the same on a superficial level. It temporarily might make us feel better to hurl accusations at someone who is bothering or upsetting us, but it doesn't help improve relationships.
Frankly, I think that if major decisions are being made for the OP without her input, the husband needs to take responsibility and work to change things around.
i hate today's husband whose motto is to keep women under their thumb...men are impotent when it comes to be on his wife's side as opposed to sisters/brothers/parents.
log kia kahenge k yeh mard to joroo kaa Ghulaam hai...it's this macho mentality sinks the man to the lowest depths of be-sharmii and cruelty.
It's sad when we associate respect with bravery though. Bravery is required in situations that involves risk and great difficulty...and it can even be acceptable to not go through with them to avoid risk/loss. It's also associated with uncommon scenarios and warrants special attention. And sometimes when we award special recognitions to things, it can send the message that they're generally not valued and therefore require special attention as compensation. It's better to not make such a big deal about a practice that should be a part of ones character and everyday life.
If it concerns you or impacts you...then let your husband handle it.
If not - who cares?
I agree! Personal experience says let your husband speak to them if it's impacting you etc. this way they won't have an excuse to say anything negative about you later on.
In my case when my husband confronted his family about a certain member of his family who was directly impacting me, it was not pretty. I didn't push my husband for anything after it, but waited for his decision on what he wants to do about it because I didn't want him to tell me later on that I forced a decision upon him. In fact after he made his decision, I asked him to reconsider, but he was adamant.
Sometimes it's best to think things through with a cool mind. If husband has already tried talking and nothing is coming out of it then decide whether this matter is important enough to fight over because it may cause problems in your marriage.
You guys are so amazing, thank you for taking the time and writing, I appreciate it so much.
I would like to clarify that I am not one to interfere in other peoples' matters especially not when it comes to my in-laws, and thankfully they keep me out of it too (blessing in disguise I should say). They don't look at me or my jethani as someone important enough to include in anything. The only person who they involve is my devrani who funnily enough is just engaged and not even married to my devar yet. However, my issue starts when the parents in law go on and on always preaching about how the family takes precedence over anything else and how we always need to do things together as a family. Very hypocritical as they never do what they preach, atleast not where I am concerned. They try to dictate to us how we should spend our vacations. If we ever travel even out of state, they will pass comments about how we should be saving money and not wasting it on travel.. even more so now that we have a baby on the way. Alhumdulillah we are comfortable and know our limits but they always turn things so sour for us right when we are excited to go somewhere. Thankfully my husband doesn't pay any heed and has even hinted at them to stop making such comments but nothing has changed.
My other problem is that whenever I visit alone (not out of choice but rather due to MIL's orders to come and help with something), I am treated very differently than how I am when my husband is around. They will make plans with my nands and devars and the devrani-to-be but I am totally outcasted as if I don't exist. I am the only one among them who doesn't live locally so I think it's courtesy to think and say, bhabi is visiting, let's do something with her too. But usually I'll get told, we are doing this and this today, you can come along if you like. Sometimes, I don't even get invited and end up staying home alone. I have never said anything or even complained to my husband until yesterday.
I was asked by the inlaws to spend Eid with them (as I am pregnant and they wanted to show their jaannay walays that our bahu is expecting, my jethani doesn't have kids yet so I'm the first one with a baby so far). My husband did not go as he had work commitments but insisted I go as it will make his family happy and that they will take care of me. I was in tears before Eid had even ended. I was asked by MIL in advance to bring nice clothes as they had arranged for a big dinner at a friend's house. She insisted I order something from Pakistan that was presentable and bring for Eid. I did that and thought an Eid gathering sounds like alot of fun. The night before Eid, I stayed up till 4 am getting everything ready for dinner the next night (I had offered to cook a couple of things to take along). The next evening, all his brothers and sisters seemed to have disappeared all of a sudden. Upon asking from the mil, she casually informed me how the dinner was now canceled and the 'kids' had made plans along with the sister in law to go out and do their own thing. Yes, without telling me or inviting me, they had just left. Parents in law both made plans with their own friends and left too. They asked me if I wanted to accompany them and I was too shocked to say anything. I told them I will just stay home. The truth was, I was on the verge of crying my eyes out and wanted to be just alone. It was nothing new as this has happened before too but it was Eid and I was away from my husband and family. It was the first time I called my husband in tears to tell him how his family had deserted me and how lonely I was. He was furious and said he will call his mother and ask what is going on. But I insisted he does not do that as fingers will point towards me that I had complained to him. My husband is furious and has been insisting on calling his family and setting them straight but I guess I am too meek to be a part of such drama. I fear it will all just come down to me being the bad person who instigated him. As it is I am always made to feel like I need to thank them for hosting me and if I complained, I will become the 'ungrateful' one. All night long, I wondered if I should confront the MIL and tell her how rude it was for them to do this to me but then in the end, the question was, is it even worth it? Do I really want to be a tag along with people who don't want me to come with them? If someone from his family came to visit us and we left them behind this way, noone would like that. But it's okay if it's done to me? I am back at home now but really feel like calling up the mother in law and asking her if I was called for Eid to be insulted in such a way. As I said earlier, my inlaws are always preaching about family being together but ironically, I have never been made to feel like one of them. I don't expect much either but I never thought they would do this to me on Eid of all days.
I should have been more specific in my original post but these are the details.
Do I really want to be a tag along with people who don't want me to come with them?
.
Do you really think that people who don't want you in their own home will treat you any better in a public place or in front of family friends? It would be more embarrassing actually. What goes around comes around.....they have succeeded in degrading themselves in the eyes of the person that matters more to them than you.......and that would be their son (your husband). He has lost some respect and trust in them.
Your husband knows about all their antics and he is aware of the sacrifices and efforts you have made for his family. The good thing is that he knows his family is in the wrong and he supports you......and you can use this to your advantage. From now onwards maybe your husband will be more careful....as in he may not push you to attend all his mother's invitations or he may firmly decline some of them himself, or he may accompany you as much as he can. This limits the problem a bit. I think your in-laws lost out more. You see, you were humiliated by people who don't like you...and whom you don't have an attachment with. Your in-laws have stooped in the eyes of someone they love and who loves them. The latter is more hurtful. Think about what happened from this angle. It's not something to derive pleasure from....it's actually a pretty sad form of justice in a way.
I Remember your other post about your jethani when I made my account...I guess they treat u both same way right...? Mayb that's just how your inlaws are.....unless you both doing things to upset them I don't think they would be rude on purpose....just my experience with my inlaws...they are nice to me but don't include me in many things....it's jus because they think they are supposed to give me space I guess your inlaws are same...?
I Remember your other post about your jethani when I made my account...I guess they treat u both same way right...? Mayb that's just how your inlaws are.....unless you both doing things to upset them I don't think they would be rude on purpose....just my experience with my inlaws...they are nice to me but don't include me in many things....it's jus because they think they are supposed to give me space I guess your inlaws are same...?
Your post is highly offensive to me, to say the least. I remember you attacking me in your previous post as well. I left my family and husband to come and spend time with them. From which angle does that appear rude to you? I bit my tongue when I could have given my mil a piece of my mind and created a whole drama by involving my husband. I think you either don't read my posts in entirety or are a selective reader. Last but not the least, not including a family member who is pregnant btw and is visiting you per your wishes in Eid plans and excluding her, to you that translates into them giving me my space? I don't think I have ever read anything more bizarre than that. Thank you for your contribution to my thread, please spare me any of your twisted advice next time.
Your post is highly offensive to me, to say the least. I remember you attacking me in your previ
Wow am sorry if it is offensive but that is not what I meant to do at all....I was trying to say that your inlaws treat you both the same so maybe they are not rude that is just their nature....sorry again didnt meant that....
Do you really think that people who don't want you in their own home will treat you any better in a public place or in front of family friends? It would be more embarrassing actually. What goes around comes around.....they have succeeded in degrading themselves in the eyes of the person that matters more to them than you.......and that would be their son (your husband). He has lost some respect and trust in them.
Your husband knows about all their antics and he is aware of the sacrifices and efforts you have made for his family. The good thing is that he knows his family is in the wrong and he supports you......and you can use this to your advantage. From now onwards maybe your husband will be more careful....as in he may not push you to attend all his mother's invitations or he may firmly decline some of them himself, or he may accompany you as much as he can. This limits the problem a bit. I think your in-laws lost out more. You see, you were humiliated by people who don't like you...and whom you don't have an attachment with. Your in-laws have stooped in the eyes of someone they love and who loves them. The latter is more hurtful. Think about what happened from this angle. It's not something to derive pleasure from....it's actually a pretty sad form of justice in a way.
I actually got sad reading this. The last thing I want is for my husband to lose respect for his family especially his parents. Sadly what you have said resonates greatly and is true. That's why instead of having him confront his family, I wanted to ask here if I should deal with it myself. Thank you for always providing such sensible and logical approach to things.
Wow am sorry if it is offensive but that is not what I meant to do at all....I was trying to say that your inlaws treat you both the same so maybe they are not rude that is just their nature....sorry again didnt meant that....
Whether it's their nature or not, it's rude and insulting. They have daughters too and wouldn't stand it for even a day if they were treated how my jethani and I are. If you can't stand it for your daughter, learn to behave with someone else's daughter too before karma comes around.
My mother in law is sweet to my face and recently i found out how she always critcises me to my nand (who thankfully tells her mother to stop inteferring) we lived together for 4 months and me n hubby moved out it was his decision (relating to how rude his dad was to me) and i know deep down they blame me because theyl indirectly dig at me, but i just ignore it. It does hurt i was unwell for 2 weeks with a chest infection and a vomiting bug did my in laws care? My hubby will always be the apple of thier eye but me and outsider.
Shame really as before our wedding my fil gave a big pep talk saying ohh il be their daughter and my mil is my mother now blah blah.. Very rarely u come across a mother in law n father in law who can be like ur own mum n dad for u. It must be hard as ur pregnant and emotions running high but just try ur best to ignore them. Ur hubby supports you thats the main thing
I just ignore it and keep my distance. The way they treated me and go behind my back i naturally dnt wana do anything more then basics with them but i never insult them to my hubby ive made my feelings clear and also told him to never disrespect his parents hes an adult he can make decisions for himself, sorry just ranting on ur thread. X
Safinaz, like red velvet has said, your husband knows what's going on here and is supporting you. Just be careful next time. You are expecting and shouldn't try to stress yourself out so much. It was rude of them to not inform you of last minute changes especially since its Eid and you spent the day before preparing and cooking.
Have they always given you this sort of cold shoulder?
Don't deal with it on your own. You have told your husband and he might take this into consideration for the future.