To marry whom your parents, elders approve off but you're not interested in?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

My mother's Parkinson's and neurological disorder has really accelerated at record speed in the last 2 years especially in the last 6 months.

She used to be a strong solid active independent woman all her life and now her world has completely turned upside down and now she is completely dependent on her kids, relatives and friends. Her day to day functioning, speech has been badly affected and it scares the daylights out of us imagining her having to climb stairs. We have miraculously got her to agree to a part time helper who comes 3 days a week for 2 hours but she clearly needs a lot lot more.

In the last 6 months I have seen her breakdown a good 30 times because of her condition and the fact she knows she isn't what she used to be. We have all tried our best to help her and make her comfortable as much as possible but there are times when even my dad gets very distressed by her emotional blackmailing.

My dad was looking forward to working for the next 5 years at his high profile job given that he has always been a workaholic all his life but he is now contemplating quitting and retiring much earlier than he anticipated and my biggest fear is that taking care of my mom full time is going to take a toll on him and I have observed many people go downhill rapidly after retirement.

So far my baby sister was keeping an eye on mom while me and dad went to work. But this week my baby sister got married and has moved to the next phase of her life. My biggest fear is that this is going to have a huge toll on my mom and my baby sister and mom were extremely close and her no longer being around is going to have an adverse impact.

I myself am not reassessing my professional direction and I now want to quit accounting and perhaps now try hard to get into a govt job so that I can have much friendly work hours and can be home at frequent time periods and be free on the weekends as well.

I am now 35 years old and the only unmarried child left now and am next in line. My moms condition has been clearly visible to all my extended relatives, grand mother, aunts. They have all told me along with my dad that if my age alone wasn't enough of a problem, my mother's condition is now going to be a big problem and now definitely no parent will give their daughter out of fear that their daughter is going to be burdened with taking care of her.

There is a family who are our extended relatives and they have constantly been lobbying with my grandmother, extended relatives behind the scenes for the last 6 years to get my parents to make a proposal for their daughter for me.

I never personally had any problem with the girl or her family. In fact the biggest plus point is that the girls parents are extremely wonderful shareef people who according to my parents, elders will actually love, respect me like a son and overlook my poor social skills, Aspergers Syndrome and are prepared to accept our union knowing my moms condition. My only issue with the girl is that she in the six years I have observed her in all family functions, never talks to anyone, stays aloof in a corner, I have never seen her smile, life and you dont get any impression or semblance of any personality

My aunt broke down today while lobbying and trying to convince me to accept the girl and the family and be considered to my parents especially my mom and her condition.

A few years ago I would have been like, hell with it, il wait patiently till the right person comes along irrespective of how old I get, but now the situation is completely different and I now would like to give my parents especially my mom comfort and peace of mind by settling down before her condition really deteriorates.

Have tried very hard to think about this and can still not come to a decision. The pros are definitely the girls parents, their shareef, loving nature, the cons are I have known the girl for six years and I am struggling to force myself to feel for her or look at her that way, will I be making the right decision in agreeing to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her because of her parents or is there a risk that I may be unhappy, bored, depressed being in a relationship devoid of love, chemistry, passion and what is a compromise, will it last? What if going forward when I am married with kids, I run into someone I really like and makes me feel alive again?

The feedback I have from my friends and others is mixed, equal mix of people saying "dude just get married for the sake of it, do it for the larger picture and do your best to make the most of it, make sacrifices, compromises". The other mix is saying "You will be making the biggest screw up of your life, the girls life and even family relationships by agreeing to this. One day your parents will not be here and you will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life"

I have to make a decision on this in the next 1-2 weeks as the family pressure is really getting brutal and I don't think I can deal with my moms emotional blackmailing anymore. Would love to hear people share their opinions, experiences and anecdotes.

2

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about your mum. I pray that she feels better and that things for your family improve and become easier.

Now in regards to your problem: is there any possibility that you can spend some one-on-one time with this girl? I think if you get to know her a little bit you will have a better idea of the type of person she is. It is impossible to know if she really is aloof or socially awkward (or however you wanna see it) without actually getting to know her. Also just one thing in regards to her being potentially socially awkward is that you yourself said that you are socially awkward so why judge her for being aloof?

I think you need to spend some one-on-one time with her and if you do make some kind of connection, maybe seriously consider marrying her as your situation is unique. And if you really can?t make a connection I would not go forward with it just because you have already listed all the doubts that you might feel imagine if you actually marry her then you?ll be feeling those constantly.

3

That my friend, are the gazing into crystal ball questions that we all wish to have answers for, not just about love & marriage but for just about every aspect of our lives.

There is no easy telling but since you asked for others? experience and opinions, I can tell you that a step taken due to external pressures and haste may not yield the best results for everyone’s sake involved in the situation. A lot would depend on how accommodating you are with having a total stranger in your personal life. Love and feelings can be developed slowly after marriage but if you are the type of person who always had had a particular set of ideals in mind about life partner and if you do not find them in this girl after marriage, there could be lot of disappointments waiting for you and for everyone else as well.

I was introduced to someone through family connections - coming from a prestigious family background, a high flying career in meds. We talked for short while, I had mixed feelings but decided to take the plunge due to family pressure. It was an absolute fkn disaster for both of us, marriage lasted no more than 15, 16 months. Hated myself and blamed myself for caving into pressure.

Bottom line - people may tell you this way or that way but no one way would be the right way until you take a decision and see how it plays out, as disappointing as it may sound to you. Our lives are the aggregate of our decisions, not a whole lot is pre-determined or set in stone.

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4

Let the girl’s parents know that you cannot take the decision to marry any girl unless you speak with her and get to know her personally to see if there is a compatibility. If her parents are okay with you speaking with her one-on-one, then great. Get to know her and then go with your gut. If her parents refuse, then I would perceive that as a red flag and it would make me question if there is maybe some (psych/personality) issue with their daughter that they don’t want you to find out about. Based on the little info that you’ve shared about the girl, she could just be very very introverted and shy…or…maybe there’s something else going on with her. You could even speak to her in her own home when her parents are around (but hopefully they’ll give you and her some space), but I don’t favor taking a blind plunge into marriage because it would not only affect you (if it doesn’t work) but so many other lives as well.

I am really sorry about your mom’s illness and I cannot even begin to imagine what she and your family are going through. But I do believe that …most parents…would never want for their son/daughter to be trapped in a miserable marriage…either during their lifetime or after it. Most parents do not want that for their children. You mom…as ill as she is…would never wish for you to be unhappily married during her lifetime or otherwise. With that said…since you’re not averse to this rishta…get to know her and then go with your gut. May Allah grant your mother shifaa and your family sabar and strength and reward everyone for their patience; Amin.

5

even if there are people objecting/commenting/preventing it…you go full throttle and talk to the girl…get a sense of how she is…and what she feels towards you…if it seems tolerable..(doesn’t have to be good/very good - just tolerable) then go for it…if it is not even tolerable…she is a bland person/doesn’t have any interest in you…then leave it.

6

your apprehensions are very valid, but, you can’t even guarantee a love marriage to last, let alone an arranged one. so I wouldn’t place too much emphasis on that part.

if the girl’s family has been interested in you for the past 6 years, I think that speaks volumes of how much they really are interested in you. Try to get to know the girl, who knows, you may end up falling for her? Just because she is quiet in social settings, don’t mean she will always be quiet with you too.. how often have you seen her like that? What I mean is, are you two always in a social setting of some sort (weekly, monthly etc), or was it a one-two time thing?

you won’t know until you try.,. ask your family to get you in touch with her and just talk to her to see if you like her… if you do, great, move forward with the rishta.. if you don’t like her, that’s also great and you will know for sure its not a good match and you can decline.

also, physical attraction is important, I would disagree with anyone who says it doesn’t matter, cuz it will sort of navigate (somewhat) your intimate life too.. chemistry isn’t always instant either believe it or not.. it can take time to develop just like other aspects of a relationship.

"What if going forward when I am married with kids, I run into someone I really like and makes me feel alive again? " OP - there is ALWAYS a chance of this happening to ANYONE, and NOBODY is immune to it, so try not to dwell on this what-if scenario too much

7

Anyone knows about Multiple System Atrophy? Apparently it appears this is what mom is suffering from

8

My parents especially my dad is like we would like the two of you to meet for lunch, dinner, coffee etc a couple of times and try and speak to each other, get a sense of each others hobbies, interests, purpose and goals in life and if the two of you are happy and comfortable only then will we agree to go forward
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But lol the writing is on the wall, even though my dad is like there is no compulsion on you to say yes, I know for a fact that unless I have a very solid reason I cannot say no. So the facts are I am being pressurized into saying yes to a girl I am not attracted too.

9

If you believe that your feelings of non-attraction are so strong that there is little to zero chance you?ll change your mind, then you can nip this in the bud right now and tell your parents that you can?t and won?t comsider her and that way you won?t have to deal with pressure etc.

If you are somewhat open to meeting with this girl, then I strongly suggest that you sit down with your dad and gently tell him what you have said above: that you fear he will guilt/pressure you into scceptimg this girl and you don?t want to enter marriage with that mindset. If I were you I would also tell him that you belive lack or absence of conversational compatibility is a solid reason for rejection if that is what you find during your interactions with her and that you don?t want to be guilted for that either. ***Lay out the boundaries/limits on the table for dad before meeting with this girl so that there are no surprises later on. Best to do this now.

10

Whatever you choose

the what if will remain in your head

so its all between your brain and the heart

11

Don?t do it. Take your time. Abandon your crystal ball mentality and take some time getting to know what you?re looking for in a marriage and what you can offer. Don?t feel pushed into accepting anyone until you feel 110% sure about them.

12

Please don’t spoil two lives by marrying her when you are not interested in her. Man up and refuse.

13

@UFC2015, so what was your final answer?

14

Am proceeding with an open mind. The girls mother has invited us to their home in the evening for tea. Me and mom will go to discuss further and see what they say.

15

So my parents conveyed the message via my grand mom to girls parents for permission for me and the girl to visit alone and to speak to each other a few times and if both agreed to proceed further, then my folks will make a formal offer.

I promised my parents that i would be extremely open minded and be completely sincere with my conduct and behavior and ofcourse treat the girl with respect as well. So the girls mom called my mom yesterday inviting us for a cup of tea and snacks at their place. My dad is travelling right now and my mother requested for permission to wait till he got back but they insisted and requested that we come.

So i personally took my mom today over to their place. I had a few butterflies in my stomach not knowing what to expect but eventually felt more relaxed and at ease as time went on. I am very introverted, shy and have Aspergers Syndrome, i choose to express my opinions and thoughts very carefully. But in my own family i definately come out of my shell for sure, once someone speaks to me and asks me questions then i really start talking and expressing my thoughts more freely.

So the parents invited me and mom in the living room where we started chit chatting, half an hour later, they called their kids down i.e. 2 sons and the daughter (i.e. the girl in question). Unfortunately inspite of my best efforts to be very open minded, my impressions of her in the last 6 years did not change. Her body language was off a person who didn’t want to be there, who was scared and forced to be there. She like i have always observed stays quite, in the corner and only says something very briefly when asked a question. She works in a bank. But overall the girl is just too shy, quite, reserved for my liking.

Like i said i am introverted too, but i had no issues talking about Pakistani politics, Pakistani resteraunts, Cricket, Canada, USA with her folks and her brother. The girl on the other hand remained completely quite and scared to talk, speak and she has always been like this.

I like her parents, very shareef, straight forward and unambitious people. The girls mother is way more talkative in contrast to her and lol, she perhaps talks the most compared to everyone else in the family.

I once again explained my reservations to mom who went like “Achi shareef gharoan kee larkiyan jo hain itne araam se nahin khultin”. “She was understandably nervous and felt she was being assessed”. My grandmother laid into me and criticized me for not taking the initiative for talking to her, asking her questions and i countered “What the hell do you want me to do, i was speaking to her parents, brother, we were participating in a group discussion, what can i do if she sits there like a robot, if she does not participate or give her own opinion, thoughts on anything”. Then my grandmother showed her true feelings by talking about my mothers declining health and the fact that this girl and family is the only one who will accept your family right now.

My dad overall is very perplexed by the fact that the girls parents invited us over to their place like this knowing full well he wasn’t in town and even more perplexed that the parents and everyone did not create any opportunity for the two of us to speak privately.

Anyways i have told my reservations once again about the girl to my parents, grand mother, baby sister but overall no one gives a ****, they all basically are treating me like a loser and are using emotional black mailing tactics i.e. my mom’s illness into forcing me to go through with it.

16

Your dilemma is a sadly a very common scenario in our society. It reminds me of a real life story that I could share here. When I was working in the UK, a 40-something unfit and unkempt man of Pakistani origin came to see me. He had no real illnesses apart from being generally angry, grumpy and depressed about how his life had unfolded. Apparently at the tender age of 19 he was ‘forced’ to get married to a cousin of similar age. He said he had to do it due to the immense pressure applied by his family, especially his mum who was ‘very ill’ and really really wanted to see him ‘tie the sehra’ over his head and get married before she departed from this mortal world!

The rest of the conversation was mainly about how he and his wife were two totally different people who never enjoyed each others’ company, who spent their whole lives fighting and quarrelling over petty matters, and who somehow managed to stick together for decades for the sake of their six children.

As the consultation came to a close, and he was leaving, he asked me if I would like to become his mum’s family doctor as well, as she was ‘very ill’ for a long long time and how none of the several hundreds of other doctors who had treated her over the years for her various ailments had not done anything for her!

At that moment I badly wanted to quip away ‘may be she wants to see her grandson tie the sehra over his head before she departed from this big bad world’! but then I didn’t.

Sigh.

17

Befriend her brother

Her mother seems dominating

can explain to her brother and from him get to know what she wants /if also being pressured into

since they choose when your dad wasnt round and her behaviour as described gives me such thoughts

Good luck

18

Remember when I suggested to you in my last post that you shpuld tell your dad that you would give this a chance and if you still don?t want to marry her, that you don?t want be **guilted **or presured by anyone…? Did you do that? Did you set that boundary or did you only tell them that you?d be ?extremely open-minded?? Even the words ?extremely open-minded? bother me because they care an undernote of pressure and imply that you must really really loosen up your critera and quash your doubts to stomach something.

Now that your dad is back from his trip and if another meeting with the girl?s family is to take place, please set the ground rules/limits with your dad that I have mentioned above.

And if you do end up meeting her again…do things a bit differently on your part. Don?t be passive and wait for the girl to talk. Be proactive, please. You clearly are brave enough to initiate discussions on politics and other subjects with her brothers. **The next time that such a discussion takes place, I want you to turn to her and ask…?What are your views on this?? Do not ask her questions that would only illicit a 1-word answer such as a ?yes or no.? Instead ask her questions which entail giving am opinion so and which would require her to say more than just 1 word. Does that make sense? Don?t just ask her one divergent question. Ask her a few divergent questions. This way…is she still responds with muteness to yoir questions…your family will witness this as well.

See, if you only ask her questions that require a 1-word answer such as…?Where do you work?? (1-word: bank)…Do you like your job? (1-word: yes)…Do you like to travel? (1-word:yes)…then your family will defend her by saying ?Of course she answered all your questions. She talks!? The issue here is that the girl is only responding and not conversing and if you want to point that out to your family then ask the girl a few divergent questions and let family see what happens.

If you are given a chance to speak with her alone ask her divergent questions and if she still responds with silence then explain that to your dad. **

Maybe set a limit for how many meetings there should be. Like maybe 3 meetings tops? And if you still see no improvement, then tell your dad that you kept an opem mind and met her 3 times when in most rishta sitiations a conclusion is reached after only 1 meeting…but you still gave it 3 tries and the girl is the same. Build your case in this way im the event that you have to meet her another few times and still see no change in her. If you won?t be meeting her again, then stick to your gut.

19

I am not so sure about this.

What if the brothers are on mom?s team? What if the brothers will comply with whatever mom wants to do in order to see their sister securely married? In this case the brothers will not cooperate with OP and may not gave him straight answers and they could even try to manipulate the situation in their favor. Basically, there is a risk in this situation.

I think it is less risky if OP observes this girl?s behavior in a more authentic way.

Also, it?s a good thing that OP?s dad has caught on to the strangeness of the girl?s family insisting on a daawat without the dad?s presence and that they never allowed their daughter alone-time with OP. Seems like OP?s dad is still a bit more objective than the 3 women (his mom, sister, and grandma)…and so OP can maybe use dad for support if there is no change or improvement in the next few meetings with the girl.

I wonder if the girl?s mother sensed that OP?s dad would be a more keen observer…and so maybe thought that if she could win over the 3 women in the OP?s family…that these 3 women would then get the dad on board. Women tend to be more emotional so maybe girl?s mom was trying to secure rishta through them first (just a guess).

20

I am not so sure redvelvet. I have observed this girl for 6 long years and yesterday was the same thing as I had been observing all these years. She is clearly very very shy and uncomfortable with people, in the first meeting you can obviously expect some nerves from people but eventually you expect people to showcase their natural personalities. All the other girls I have seen even if they are not spectacular looking in some way or the other open up and talk and exhibit friendliness. This girl gives me the body language of being scared and someone who does not like to talk and at best only gives one word answers

I once got involved with someone like this long distance and trust me after a while it gets very frustrating, taxing and draining to be the person doing all the talking, thinking, taking initiative but the other person just doesn’t show the same initiative

I can try to meet her again but in all likelihood I don’t think I am going to change my opinion on her