I am somewhat at a crossroads and need some advice. I have an old business associate, who, over the years has become a friend. While as associate he did some of our nitty gritty property management work in London. This was property venture and he was our man on site, represented our interests well.
He is Pakistani and I know his brother/family as well. They appear to be slimeballs/users who have taken his time/labor and not compensated him properly. When he worked for me and my uncle not only did we pay him for his services but also helped him out ‘jams’ where he needed some cash. He was in a car accident and the vehicle was totaled. At another point he could not pay utilities and they were about be disconnected, so I paid the bills to make sure that heat/electricity is not disrupted. He has a wife and the cutest little boy and I felt bad for the little kid.
He was going to be visiting Pakistan to see family and his ailing father - who unfortunately passed away. He has contacted me in panic because he had to switch around the ticket dates and he is facing a cash crunch for one leg of the journey (Istanbul - London)and was requesting my help in purchasing the ticket. All he wants is for me to send him a ticket (in his name for one leg of the trip).
I consider myself to be pretty astute - someone who knows when I being lied to/ripped off. In this case, I think the fact that he had worked for us and I know his family, might be clouding my judgment. I am going back and forth on helping him out. A few points:
Pros:
He lost a parent.
All he wants to do is get home to the UK
He is not looking for cash money, just a ticket for a small piece of his journey
Cons:
I am not here to help everyone with a sob story.
I am not sure why his brother/family is not willing to help him out, they might be users but come on they lost the same parent too.
My uncle/parents, if they found out, would be absolutely furious with me. Mu uncle knew about our previous financial support and justified it because he was working on our projects. Since then we have sold out of the venture and have no “business” standing with him.
Have you ever asked the guy (when he was in his various jams) why his family members (brother/family) are not helping him out. The question can be brought up nicely.
If you can afford to help him, then do it. But at the same time, give him a hint that he can't keep this up. Is he employed? If not, could you help him in finding a job or something better perhaps that would help him out more money-wise?
Few questions came into mind while reading your post:
1) Have you asked him directly why he's not asking his own family for money to go help him back to Pakistan? If you're good friends with this guy, you shouldn't have a problem asking him bluntly why his own family isn't helping him out with this.
2) In the past when you helped him out by giving him cash.....did he ever pay you back any of that money? If the answer is "no", did he ever even OFFER to pay you back that money?
3) Are you VERY close friends with this guy? You've already helped him in the past with cash....does he not have any other friends he can turn to?
As a grown man who has a wife and a child...I'm shocked that this man does not have any "emergency savings" that he can fall back on. Assuming you buy his ticket and "bail him out" this time....what makes you think he won't ask you for help the next time an "emergency" comes up? How many times are you willing to help him out before saying "no"?
My personal opinion, do not buy his ticket. You've helped him out before. His own family should be helping him out with this. If this was a case where his father was still alive and ill, then my opinion would've been different. But since his father already passed away (and I'm assuming the burial is done)....I don't see the "urgency" for him to go to Pakistan right now. Unless someone else in the family is ill and dying....I don't see why he can't wait a few months, save up the money on his own, and then take his trip.
Have you ever asked the guy (when he was in his various jams) why his family members (brother/family) are not helping him out. The question can be brought up nicely.
If you can afford to help him, then do it. But at the same time, give him a hint that he can't keep this up. Is he employed? If not, could you help him in finding a job or something better perhaps that would help him out more money-wise?
I did. For example when his car was totaled in the accident, they LET him use one of their cars, by letting him, I mean that they kept tabs on where he was going. He is employed but sporadically - he's truly resourceful guy who has done anything from manual labor to serving as an estate agent. He is working for the slimeball brothers takeaways currently. I don't live in London, but my uncle has gotten him projects here and there.
I wonder if your uncle can get something that's more stable and long-term. Does his wife work? Have you asked him if he has any savings? Just asking him these questions....(along with how his brother/family is helping him).....and you can ask nicely......can make him uneasy enough to work on becoming more financially independent and not bug you in the future. It's like giving him a hint that you don't feel comfortable with helping him out all the time. And it can't be good or even easy for him either...it's humiliating for one to ask for money. If you can help him out this time....then do so.....but ask him some questions. And there's no gunnah in making excuses or refusing in the future...if you've helped him out enough already.
Few questions came into mind while reading your post:
1) Have you asked him directly why he's not asking his own family for money to go help him back to Pakistan? If you're good friends with this guy, you shouldn't have a problem asking him bluntly why his own family isn't helping him out with this.
2) In the past when you helped him out by giving him cash.....did he ever pay you back any of that money? If the answer is "no", did he ever even OFFER to pay you back that money?
3) Are you VERY close friends with this guy? You've already helped him in the past with cash....does he not have any other friends he can turn to?
As a grown man who has a wife and a child...I'm shocked that this man does not have any "emergency savings" that he can fall back on. Assuming you buy his ticket and "bail him out" this time....what makes you think he won't ask you for help the next time an "emergency" comes up? How many times are you willing to help him out before saying "no"?
My personal opinion, do not buy his ticket. You've helped him out before. His own family should be helping him out with this. If this was a case where his father was still alive and ill, then my opinion would've been different. But since his father already passed away (and I'm assuming the burial is done)....I don't see the "urgency" for him to go to Pakistan right now. Unless someone else in the family is ill and dying....I don't see why he can't wait a few months, save up the money on his own, and then take his trip.
Good points, let me try to answer them:
I did. His family (again the slimeball effect) is willing to pay portions of the ticket. It almost sounds like torture to me. Imagine if you wanted to do something important and your loved ones were like this is the best we can do or some other excuse.
He has not paid back the money. When we helped him out in the past, my uncle and I never considered it to be a loan, we wanted to help because he was working so hard for us/is Pakistani Muslim/has a family. He has always been apologetic about it and has said that if he has any income, he wants to pay us back. To that we have always said don't worry about the payback, we helped because Allah gave us the money to help.
I am NOT that close. I live in the States most of the year and he is in the UK. As I mentioned before, he was helping us with one venture and yes we did meet his family. When he worked for us, he was available anytime, morning, noon or night - to solve our problems. So definitely respect him there.
You raise good points. I don't know his spending habits or know his exact income - but its really not my responsibility to bail him out. I mean there are people in Pakistan who MUCH worse off, at least he is living in the UK where he won't starve. On the other hand, I feel bad that this is someone who has been good to me and my uncle and we are being selfish with out help. As in we helped him when he worked for us, now we are shunning him because we don't need his services.
^Okay, so this guy has been "good" to you.......and does being "good" in return necessitate bailing him out all the time? How is that going to help him out in the long run? Does it help his pride? No. It only provides him short-term peace of mind and then in the back of his head he'll be worrying about how to pay you guys back (even though you refused it). My mom says it's difficult for a person to put their hands before another and ask for money......but at the same time.......I've seen how the asking can potentially become a habit and that's not healthy either. What this guy needs is a long-term job with better financial security. And sometimes being a "good" friend/person means setting boundaries that can allow the other person to become more independent and live in dignity. Help him out if you can afford it, but be firm as well. And although you don't live in the UK....see if you can get your Uncle to help him find something more stable and away from the Slimeballs.
^I agree with those as well, and I know how you're feeling about helping him out before when he was working for you. It's funny but a lot of times I go with my gut feeling for such things. I'd probably help him out since it's urgent right now, but hint him about it being a loan and you expect a payback this time. Not entirely because he should pay you back (which he should) but also because next time he asks for money, he'd hesitate.
I wonder if your uncle can get something that's more stable and long-term. Does his wife work? Have you asked him if he has any savings? Just asking him these questions....(along with how his brother/family is helping him).....and you can ask nicely......can make him uneasy enough to work on becoming more financially independent and not bug you in the future. It's like giving him a hint that you don't feel comfortable with helping him out all the time. And it can't be good or even easy for him either...it's humiliating for one to ask for money. If you can help him out this time....then do so.....but ask him some questions. And there's no gunnah in making excuses or refusing in the future...if you've helped him out enough already.
So here is the thing: He is absolutely brilliant with people, speaks fluent English with British accent, knows his numbers well but is illiterate. As in, can't read contracts or do things that involve reading english. So my uncle has been able to get him jobs where he is a contractor in construction, helped him with management jobs..but he is limited by the lack of english knowledge. His wife is a traditional Pakistani women from the village, she sews clothes at home, can barely speak urdu properly. He has no savings.
I agree on the izzat, I mean one of the reasons why I am talking about this here is because I can't talk with my uncle/parents who I KNOW will take a strong stand against helping him.
As I mentioned, he does work for his brothers takeaways and when I say work, I mean he does everything from mopping to cooking,when the employees are out/brother needs help, it is a full time job for him. Plus he does handyman/contracting stuff whenever he gets a job or two.
^Okay, so this guy has been "good" to you.......and does being "good" in return necessitate bailing him out all the time? How is that going to help him out in the long run? Does it help his pride? No. It only provides him short-term peace of mind and then in the back of his head he'll be worrying about how to pay you guys back (even though you refused it). My mom says it's difficult for a person to put their hands before another and ask for money......but at the same time.......I've seen how the asking can potentially become a habit and that's not healthy either. What this guy needs is a long-term job with better financial security. And sometimes being a "good" friend/person means setting boundaries that can allow the other person to become more independent and live in dignity. Help him out if you can afford it, but be firm as well. And although you don't live in the UK....see if you can get your Uncle to help him find something more stable and away from the Slimeballs.
I like your logic. Asking for help only when truly in need is what I expect from friends/family. I don't think being enabler helps anyone in this process - I'm going to talk to him to see whats going on.
