Time running out to get married?

Lifestyle Relationships
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21

Re: Time running out to get married?

I know lots of girls in their 30's and unmarried. 24 is nothing. Relax.

22

Re: Time running out to get married?

yeah, for women, 24 is way too old! … j/k :cb:

come on…it’s just the right age to start looking for a match. you aren’t old at all. i’m sure you will find “Mr. Right” for your self before you hit 25. that’s my du’aa btw. :slight_smile: good luck.

23

Re: Time running out to get married?

Hmmm. Its obviously difficult if you havent found the 'right' person... But often that problem arises when you start searching at a later age...when the slightly better prospects are hitched already (good prospects dont wait around), the pool of fishes become narrow... And the requirements go more narrower/higher parallel with age.

So I am going to go against the 'wooden' grain here based on my insight.. suggest an alternative. I reccomend that both boys and girls.. (& their parents... Obvs ) to start looking at a younger age; preferebly on completing high school if not before; and if theyhave someone already by then.. I suggest you get hitched asap!

Then have your kids young ( ideally in your 20s)...when you are physically and mentally more agile and fertile...because despite anecdotal evidence here..all 'researched' studies agree otherwise on the issues with late conception.

Things like building careers; further ed buying your own home and new cars etc.....can wait....they arent essential to having babies at all...that way enjoy kids when you (and the grandparents) are young and able.... And then chill in your 30s without being straddled with nappies and travel the world in your 40s with kids graduating (and preferebly geting married).

All these 'must haves' pre marraige are really not essential.. But have been sold to you this way.. And not for your benefit either.

24

Re: Time running out to get married?

I love this part of your post.

Another ‘must have’ pre marriage which has been sold to the youth of the world for many many years and now is the pre marital sex to ‘make sure’ the guy/girl are ‘sexually’ compatible to have a ‘long lasting’ marriage :hehe:

What a faux!

25

Re: Time running out to get married?

Ma Mooli, are you married?

Being settled, having a home and a car and so on are obviously not essential but being financially secure makes your life (and that of your family) much less stressful..

I married later and I don't have to worry about how we'll pay the bills or put food on the table.. I wanted more than just to "get by" in life.. If something terrible were to happen and I ended up widowed or divorced I wouldn't need to go back to my parents' house and live off handouts or worry about becoming a burden.. IA I'll be able to give my (future) kids security and a good life too with the privileges I enjoyed (good schools, growing up in a nice environment, holidays when we were young because our parents could comfortably manage it, same with sending us to university).. The vast majority of girls I see who've married much younger don't have that security and fair enough if it doesn't worry them but I wanted that..

My own parents married relatively late and had us relatively late as well.. We had a lot of advantages in life because of that.. I really don't believe delaying kids till your late twenties or early thirties causes much problem anyay (not here in the West at least.. plenty of women are having kids at that age and doing fine).. It does become a problem if you leave it **too **late but it's very rare to come across women who deliberately wait till their 40s to get pregnant..

I also disagree with your point that "good catches" don't wait around and marry early.. If anything the better male prospects DO often wait till their late twenties because they're focused on being secure as well.. I know with my own (future) kids I'll discourage them from marrying and having kids till they can afford to at feed, clothe and house them..

I've personally not seen couples who married very early be carefree and travelling the world in their forties.. This seems to be one of those desi myths like "you will have as much freedom as you want once you're married" :D What I have tended to see is them being more "bogged down" (not a good way of wording it but can't think of anything else) with more family stuff because they haven't been able to pay off their mortgage and so on.. Obviously it's much easier to travel and spend money on "fun" things before marriage than after when you have a household to run..

26

Re: Time running out to get married?

If only life were that simple, but it isn't. It's not guaranteed from how early you look you will find someone. It's all kismat at the end of the day. My discussion was on the frustration of parents, where they are worried that time is running out. But Ofcourse to me i alhumdulillah feel content- just have to be positive around parents and be patient with them, their frustrations are understandable.

27

Re: Time running out to get married?

Ok so teenage years spend on looking for a spouse/getting married, having kids during 20's/raising them, chilling during 30's, and traveling the world during 40's. So when exactly should we focus on non-esstnetial things like college degrees, finding a decent career which would allow us to buy a home, save for emergencies/retirement, pay bills..and of course....pay for all that travel around the world?

And since we all know that no birth control is 100% effective.....if kids get hitched during high school, IF the girl gets pregnant, who should be financially responsible for supporting the kids? I suppose in America they can get on welfare/medicaid etc. which is what many people in this situation do. Are we expecting girls to take high school classes/graduate/start prepping for classes IN ADDITION to managing husband/in-laws/pregnancy/labor-delivery/post-partum issues etc? Or should the girls just drop out of school asap they find "the one"?

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Re: Time running out to get married?

It’s the cool 40 year old grandparents who were supposed to be travelling the world. No, wait, they’re raising their grandkids. The one thing desi parents will never have the luxury of is to be free. Parents for life, even if your kid is 50. #truestory](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=truestory)

29

Re: Time running out to get married?

Holla!!!

I can't imagine looking for a guy, for a girl who is in frikkin high school.

It's sick. There is an aunty in town, who honestly is from a proper educated background; I don't think SHE got married that young. She is my cousins' cousin actually, and I know the family, they all got their girls college degrees prior to marriage.

Yet her kid is in high school, and she posts pic after pic of her high school daughter in nice clothes, and I just realized today that I think she's trying to find a boy for her!!!

She honestly hasn't even fully developed her body, that kid.

I actually thank my mom for not doing that crap to me, omg.

30

Re: Time running out to get married?

Very few desi people who get married in their teens have the mind set to go see the world in their forties. Especially if they haven't retired yet. Theoretically, it seems that could be that way but it isn't. I know a few couples who are like that. Mostly the girl got married in her teens, not the guy. Now, the kids are in college or getting married but the father is still working as who in their right mind would quit around 45-50? The woman is mostly friends with the older set whose kids are her kids age while the ones her age get to act "younger". Some of them do work but the ones who don't feel like life passed them by. There is no right or wrong answer. Mostly people who got married not too young or not too old that is mid twenties for girls seem happy with their decision for the most part. But I have seen older women people who got married in their late thirties or early forties happy too, and yes, they did manage to have kids too!!

31

Re: Time running out to get married?

Best post so far. Chill out. Get married when you want to get married - my dad's sisters didn't get married well into their thirties. Plus most of the eligible guys - the ones educated at the top uni's, with Ihklaq, regular gym goers, don't go out screwing anything that smiles at them, know the difference between Imam Abu Hanifa and Al-Ghazali as well as Dante and Tolstoy lol, are financially secure and independent, etc. are getting married in their thirties, at least in my experience. Just work on yourself and when it's time, it'll be time. Screw what the "community" thinks - tell them to go suck lemons. Their not the boss of me/you!

32

Re: Time running out to get married?

Deeba: you are correct; these things are important but not essential. Theres nothing to say your career/homes cannot wait untill after you've wed or had kids. Mature students with families are not uncommon and they are seen to be alot more dedicated and serious with regards to thier studies ( perhaps cuz they are mature).

You wont need to worry about putting food on the table.. Theres a support system in place for you as a student or as a carer. In the west it is the gov; and in the east; it is usually your family ( humans are not designed to do it all alone...) eitherway.. it is not a hindrance to getting married nor having kids.

Pcg: Theres nothing to say you cant marry kids after high school or at college/uni. These barriers are in the mind...they are pre conceived notions that are merely a hinderance.

Paheli: I have seen this work in the older generation.. Desi and non desi...start looking earlier; marraige and kids in thier 20s; focus on education & career in your 30s...and whilst travelling the world in your 40s was tongue- in-cheek; it does mean that when your kids are old enough to marry in thier 20s; you are relatively free to enjoy other things at that age..You are also more able to support your kids/enjoy your grandkids; as oppose to when you are in your 60s..retiring and increasingly in need of your kids support as opposed to the other way around..

But naturally..the kids in thier 30s are by then too busy straddling nappies to notice..

33

Re: Time running out to get married?

This is a HUGE flaw in desi thinking and lifestyle IMO. Why are people retiring in their 60’s and needing support from their kids?! :confused: My own FIL is 72 and MIL 61. Both still independent and have plenty of energy to play with my 7 year old niece. They live on their own, eat healthy, stay physical active, and manage to take 2-3 international vacations on their own each year. My own parents are in their early 60’s, dad has no plans to stop working until he dies, are healthy, and currently do not need any support from me. I have several full-time attorneys at my firm who are well into their 60’s/70’s and manage to live a very active lifestyle. At school I had a professor who was 88 when he stopped teaching. The reason he stopped teaching is b/c one day in the middle of class he had a bad stroke and ended up dying a week later. But at the skeletal age of 88, he still manage to stay active, healthy, working etc…actually teaching law school classes. The list goes on and on.

Instead of telling people to marry early etc…and having this expectation that they’ll be retiring/helpless during their 60’s…why is not there more push for people to stay active and be healthy? Numerous studies have shown the benefits of staying active (physically AND mentally) when it comes to old age. Why aren’t we pushing people to plan on staying active until they die instead of expecting them to become helpless in their 60’s?

34

Re: Time running out to get married?

If we all stop doing things on the basis that "it's not gauranteed" then no one will be doing anything... sure its not guaranteed but it stands to reason that if you start looking relatively early then you should have a higher chance of finding your partner - with all the detailed / long requirements everyone has these days.

35

Re: Time running out to get married?

Who says an individual wants to look early though? And define early? Parents start looking for children early yes but there are all sorts of differences in families today, and big ones. People are doing all sorts, and really would you compromise the bad stuff to just get married?

It is not that simple. It's not just about one person having a list, it can be about other people having a list. Sometimes you get lucky of getting married quick sometimes you don't.

36

Re: Time running out to get married?

Ma Mooli, the gov in the West is here to help us with the bare minimum, you cannot live comfortably on that and supporting a family at the same time would be a struggle for most.. Why willingly make life difficult for ourselves? Mature students are often studying because they didn't have the chance to pursue higher education when they were younger, not because they choose to study later because they think it's a better idea or makes more sense..

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Re: Time running out to get married?

And I think people get depressed when you have nothing to do. A lot of my dad’s older friends are retiring from govt jobs and their health just declines like crazy. I think the same happens to women when their kids leave the nest. When your whole self worth and identity revolves around being married, having kids or being a provider it messes up your entire reason for being. Which is also why desi people need to back off judging unmarried people. It’s not the end of the world. No, seriously it isn’t.

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Re: Time running out to get married?

Completely agree

39

Re: Time running out to get married?

^That is so true..

40

Re: Time running out to get married?

Eh, that's kind of the point. If an individual doesn't want to look early then of course it's their right to do so. But it should be with the knowledge (especially for girls) that rightly or wrongly, it "may" cause some difficulty later.

Early: is early, don't feel need to define it other than for debate.

Re: accept bad stuff. No I am not saying start looking early AND also don't have any standards. I also think though people (including myself and family) should have less idealistic criteria.

Agree with your last para/point; but that doesn't say/imply don't start looking early.