those living with in laws

Lifestyle Relationships
1

some questions just poped in my mind so thought to ask here

do you girls (those living with in laws) have to ask permission when you are going somewhere? for example going shopping, visiting friends or going for dinner with husband

when you come back from shopping, do you show what you bought to your MIL and tell her the price?

do you have to do all house work? does anyone help you?

do you also work?

does your jeetani or nand give you a headache?

does your MIL treat you and your jeetani in the same way

well i am asking this because one of my friend was telling me how she had a hard time living with in laws and she is really happy that she moved out..her main problem were with her Jeetani and nand..when ever she would make a small mistake, the jeetani would just go and tell the MIL ..

when her nand would visit them..she would always talk to her rudely …

she would not go out that much becaue if she would go for dinner lets say 2 times in a month then the Jeetani would say i dont go out that much, why does she have to go out for dinner all the time..why dont they eat at home and save money

if she would do some shopping, the jeetani would always complain that oh she is wasting money.

the jeetani got more importance at home, as she would spend all her day at home. would ask permission for everything, would do everything according to MIL ,

2

Re: those living with in laws

Most of the girls carry this negative preconceived notion to their husband's house and usually its the beginning of a bigger disaster .

3

Re: those living with in laws

^ so true ... just go with an open mind ... u meet good and bad ppl in all sorts of places and no one is all good or all bad ... tthere are positive aspects to everyone

4

i agree...but when my friend telling me all these, then there were so many questions on my mind

well i am not married yet but i love my in laws alot...my MIL is really sweet and FIL is the nicest person i had ever meet..i am sure if i respect them and love them as my parents then in return i would get lots of love from them...

well but still there are some in laws are not so nice..we have all kind of people around ..good and bad

5

Re: those living with in laws

^ Similarly we have jails full of criminals and all muzlimz are ‘terrorists’ , so what should we do about them ? :aq:

6

you are smart so why dont you answer this question

7

when i got married, we were with them for 2 weeks, and we did tell them if we needed to go anywhere..however im assuming this wasbecause we were
a] newly married and people were coming to see me, and i was only there for 2 weeks

b] they have 2 cars, one was in the garage and so we only had 1 that his dad and his bro and hubby had to use, and so we had to ask in case someone else needed it for whatever reasons, just normal manners really`...

c] once you settle down to living with them for good, its not like this, u usually do whatever u want, but it doesnt hurt to tell them.

8

Re: those living with in laws

I think you should always inform people when you are leaving the house, even if you are going to the grocery store around the corner for 15 minutes. You never know what could happen in that 15 minutes. Always inform your husband, parents, kids, etc before going somewhere. Asking for permission shouldn't be necessary.

9

Re: those living with in laws

i live with my inlaws, actually me and hubby are in the basement apartment - separate kitchen, entrance, living areas.

  • I clean my apartment and my MIL cleans her place upstairs.
  • for food, if I make something I'll bring it upstairs and share it with everyone. And if I dont want to cook, I'll just go upstairs and eat. Some days I will tell her that i'm making something for dinner, so she wont have to make anything, or there will be too much food.

  • for grocery, i do my own, but i need to borrow anything from upstairs, i do. And if im going grocery, i ask her if she needs anything. They do the same.

  • for going out, we dont have to tell them, but i do it as a courtesy. In case they invite people over, or we are invited somewhere as a family for a dawat. I mean, if you were living at home , you would tell ur own parents about ur plans, dont see the reason why you cant tell your inlaws.

  • when I was single and living with my parents, i hardly did any cooking and housework.my bhabhis did everything. And they are my role models. now that im married, my nand is busy with school and work, so she hardly cooks and cleans. But honestly, i dont mind, cuz she is single and shoudl enjoy those days like how i did :)

  • i love shopping and love showing what i get. i do it sometimes. no biggie.

the more people think there will be issues, then there will be.

10

Awesome job afshi :). This is the one thing i don't get, people think they get married and now they have to live their life their own way and not involve anyone. How hard is it to tell your inlaws that ur stepping out for this for this this long when you would do it with your parents. Secondly, just be courteous and be nice. Your inlaws(atleast most of the time) obviously like you thats why you're married to their son. Just be nice and polite and I am sure you are going to have some differences with your in laws but then again you didn't quite agree with your parents on everything either. So just let things go and treat them like family.

11

Re: those living with in laws

Do you tell your mom that you are going somewhere?? I did before my marriage...So if you'll live with your Inlaws I think it's normal to tell them that you are going somewhere..no not asking permission.....

When I will go to pk (to my Inlaws) I def will not show them things I buy....I will tell them whenever I will go somewhere with my husband.....but further I will not ask permission for what I want to do...If you don't live with your Inlaws you have distant relationship....even if you are living together for a few days/weeks.....Living toghether is really different...I don't like joint family system....especially if you have CHALAK SIls...

12

Re: those living with in laws

After I got married, I was lucky and had alot of freedom. Hubby never grills me about where I'm going but I still tell him. I'd find it hard to have to asnwer to anyone else though.

I haven't done much shopping around in laws so it doesn't apply to me...here I "hide" my shopping from hubby :p

13

Re: those living with in laws

Yeah I have to ask my in-laws for permission even if I have to use the washroom.

I don't show them my shopping because I am not allowed to shop. I can only shop for my mother in law. If I even buy deodorant for myself, my mother in law gets offended.

I am expected to wake up at 5 and make breakfast for everyone, then lunch and then come up with an entirely new menu for dinner. On top of that, I have to clean the entire house while my mother in law sits on the couch watching ARY dramas.

I am not allowed to work. I work for my in-laws without pay or just compensation.

My 'jeetani and nand' not only give me a headache but a backache, stomachaches, and other gastrointestinal problems.

My mother in law treats my 'jeetani' like a queen and me like a pauper.

It sucks to be me.

14

are you serious

15

This is ridiculous. If you are going to live with the in-laws, in thier house, then unless everyone of them is an angel, you should go in expecting at least some conflicts already, esp if your sharing their space. As a family member, you might get the 'guest' treatment for a while, but after that you be will be treated the same, or worse depending on how 'decent' the inlaws are.

For the new comer though, the slightest comment will come across as harsh or impolite at the most, considering they probably havent adjusted/bonded within the family as much and probably feel as an outsider, that they deserve atleast some respect.

On the other hand, if you want a peace of mind and a little independance, the best way to go is to get you're own place, or at least a self contained floor in the same house. It is cruicial for the couple to keep thier own breathing space, only for the reason that they have a much better chance of establishing better in-laws relationships, and in effect a more successful marriage. Any other way, and the chances of success and peace are much much lower.

16

Well I'm not married but my oldest brother is married and lives with us. My bhabi gets treated in exactly the same way I get treated. If she's going out somewhere she'll ask if it okay incase mum had other plans, when her and my brother go out they still ask permission. Not that mum ever says no, it's just politeness, mum is always left smiling purely because they asked.

She'll always show my mom and brother what she's bought, infact in most cases if its something expensive mum probably will have bought her it.

She's taken over everything mum used to do, but Alham we do have a cleaner/cook so she doens't really have to do much. But days they're not around, we do it together and mum contributes towards cooking if we have guests over.

We don't fight. We're like sisters, we have the odd little disagreement over something stupid like siblings have but mashallah nothing serious.

I've always always been told by my mum to treat your MIL like your mother because she WILL love you like a daughter in return. My mum and bhabis relationship is SO good alhamdulilah even I get jealous sometimes! And I think in this day and age that's fabulous. No jagra no headache.

17

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i think girls have to really keep their heads and hearts open when they move into a joint family. just cuz it hapepend to ure friend or her friend or whoever.. doesnt mean its gonan happen to u..

18

Masha'Allah KP that's lovely to hear! My mum says exactly the same thing, she's told me that if I do end up living with in-laws I have to treat them and love then exactly as I treat and love my own parents. I think if you go into marriage with some misguided preconception that all in-laws are the spawn of the devil then it's a recipe for disaster.

19

Re: those living with in laws

I dont live with my inlaws but when i do visit, there can be something that i dont like or vice versa. BUT before getting annoyed, i have to remind myself, what would i do, if my own brother/sister/parents said or did what the inlaws did. Most of the time, thats enough to cool me down.

You should treat your inalws like your own parents, no doubt about that. BUT dont expect them to treat you like your parents did. Every family is different. They might treat you like their do their own daughters and it still wouldnt be the same as what your parents did. So remember that.

20

Re: those living with in laws

They treat me like a bad bahu....so I don't talk to them very often...If you can't get the respect that you give them...then you'll never threat them like your own parents....

After my marriage I said amiji to my MIL...But when I went to PK...she treated me really bad....from that time i call her aunty....She isn't my mother...and she'll never be....

I'm ok to have a distant relationship with my Inlaws....coz when I wanted to be a good DIL they were like they don't care about me....so I don't hate or love them....

When I'll go to pk (with my husband) I will not spend a lots of time with them.....will keep distance....I will ignore them...I will do my thing and further I don't care about them...