This marriage is a punishment

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: This marriage is a punishment

Poor guys stuck between his wife and mother , and cant leave either . No wonder he is always in a bad mood . If his mother is not getting from you what your mother is getting from him , then there is something seriously wrong with this picture .

22

yup agree with most people here..........the first thing to do is definetely try to talk to him about how you feel just pick a time when he is not upset and just have a conversation with him about all of this and even write down the way you feel before talking to him and try to put in to perspective about what exactly you want to say to him......marriages are built around how the husband and wife communicate so that should be your first step and of course as others have mentioned if you cannot get your point across to him going to a marriage counsellor is also a really good option

23

Re: This marriage is a punishment

You may think his mom sucks, but you need to show respect, and keep your feelings aside. If he had issues with your parents, you'd expect him to act mature and keep his feelings aside as well.

Or you can continue mouthing his mom in discussions, and make him feel worse. At some point, he'll get sick of you and throw you out. Any Pakistani man would.

But then, you probably would be cheering on your brother if your sister-in-law did the same with your parents.

So just treat others how you want to be treated. You don't need to love her. Just pay your respects and maintain your distance. Let your husband know that this is your stance, and he'll probably be ok with it. As long as your mouth is not running, most men wont care if you want to make their moms your best friend or not.

24

Re: This marriage is a punishment

Well I know how irritating it is when your spouse just keeps on giving you tanay for old things. It's very very damaging for the relationship. I know how suffocating marriage becomes after your spouse keeps on pinching you with old disputes.

Like all of the above posts I would also advise you to seek counselling . Involve a 3rd party but that 3rd party should not be a family of either you or him. Someone who is not related to you or him and can act fairly.

I don't know how old your kids are but I can assure you that they must also be feeling the negativity in their mom and dad relationship.

It's not only your duty to make this relationship work but also his . Things can never be one sided. He has to take interest too. I agree that may be you can involve your imam sahib.

I wish you good luck

25

Re: This marriage is a punishment

Are you being totally honest about your own part in this? Like diamond says, tanay are no good for a relationship. Arguments are healthy, but only if both parties talk it out, admit their mistakes, forgive each other and then MOVE ON. As in never again saying "well you did XYZ two weeks ago at 10pm blah blah blah blah" when you've already forgiven your partner for XYZ.

But, your husband says that you insulted his mother and his friend somehow two weeks ago. You say you have no respect for his mother...so even if you haven't said anything or done anything...the fact that you don't respect her may be coming off in your behavior/body language and it may appear rude to others even though you aren't doing or saying anything overt. If you are keeping conversations with her to a bare minimum, avoiding being in her presence, etc...well you may be thinking you're avoiding conflict, but to everybody else, it going to look like you're just ignoring her and no matter what your justification, that's rude. So have a look at your part in this...you don't have to be best friends with her. But being civil, even cheerful in her presence isn't a difficult thing and it could help you avoid these arguments with hubby.

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this

27

Re: This marriage is a punishment

Get the divorce you all will be much happier!

28

Re: This marriage is a punishment

everybody is telling her that she is at fault for disrespecting her MIL. Why isn't anybody trying to figure out what exactly did the MIL do to make her react rudely ? Bardasht can be done upto a certain extent and because a bahu/DIL is also a human being in case some of you have forgotten she can loose her patience too. She did it (being rude to MIL) once I repeat " once " even if she was wrong she has not repeated it. Everyone can do mistakes and can learn from it. Now I don't know who was at fault. But no body here is trying to understand how her husband is treating her ! Is it justified to give tanay like that to her ever now and then ? is it okay to always show bad moods to her ?

Dealing with a husband who keeps on dwelling at past issues , gives you tanay and shows mood swings can be very torturous.

In her post she has said that she was planning a vacation. what does this imply ? she was not going alone. She wants happiness in this marriage thats why she was trying to do something. But it sounds to me that her husband is neither respecting nor responding to her feelings at all.

I may be completely wrong above but a bahu is an insaan too and her patience should not be tested to this extreme !

This marriage involves kids and keeping the marriage alive is not only her problem it's his problem too.

29

I was about to post a reply like this but then I saw this and this is the best advice so far. :k:
Ajuba since you are noticing a whole in the fence therefore you will have to start mending the fence. Do not expect that he will realize his mistakes and one fine morning everything will be honky dory. Take some practical steps along the line PCG posted above.

And this is the gem CM takes the cake. It is very practical and very easy to implement. :silly: But do remember it is from a guy who is not even engaged yet. :bummer:

30

Re: This marriage is a punishment

I agree with PCG.

And further, If I was in your place I'd make the effort to have a meeting with you, your husband, and your MIL. And get EVERYTHING on the table, in front of each other. There is no need to hide your feelings if its bringing a drift between your husband and you. And like PCG said treat other like you want to be treated. So for just a second think of your MIL as your mother, maybe then you will have a little more respect for her.

Think how much respect your husband would have for you if you actually made true effort to sort things out.

There is a chance your husband is always moody for some other reason aside from you and his mother. So TALK TO HIM. ASK him whats bothering him. Be romantic, caring, and let him know you're there for him at anytime for his needs.

Get him to do something with just you leave the kids out for couple of hours. Just so you guys can catch up.

Don't be scared of him, you're his wife, you're his other half in this world as he's yours. But both of you are NOT acting like it. You two live in two different planets, while living in the same house, CHANGE THAT!!! Do something to get closer to him in anyway possible.

31

Re: This marriage is a punishment

I think what the MIL did and how this thread started behaved is irrelevant - only if the issue has been discussed with the spouse and has been resolved. For example, if the wife has apologised to the husband for how she behaved, then why is he constantly bringing it up?

Bringing up old issues that have been discussed at length repeatedly, over and over again, can seriously damage a relationship. It creates resentment, especially if you are made to explain yourself and apologise each and every time the spouse brings it up.

32

Re: This marriage is a punishment

MIL and DIL issues are just scratching the surface, there are deeper undercurrents flowing underneath.

Marriage is based on mutually understanding and respect, you should love him for who he is, although saying this I don't believe your marriage is bound by any of these rules.

There is nothing sweeter than feeling something for someone deeply, the love should be felt in the mind, body and soul and sharing the exact same sentiments expressed by Reha "marriage should not be lived as a punishment".

33

If u didnt like him then why did u marry him?

34

Re: This marriage is a punishment

Einstein, where did she say that she knew him before marriage or she did not like him before marriage ?
If you need to increase your post count please go to cafe’. These forums are for those who put their time and effort to come up with some sensible advice for those who are seeking some sensible advice.
Pointing fingers to the advice seekers does not solve any problems or issue. :silly: :bummer: :woho: :eek:

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In her first post and lol @ increase post counts - wat wud be my incentive for doing that? It was a genuine question.

36

Looking back, Ajuba has dropped hints before she wasn’t entirely happy with the arrangement to begin with. (Mirch uncle you’ve been outsmarted by akh12 a fresh recruit, basti).

37

ouch

:p

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:rotfl: @ basti. and frog face.

You both are Einsteins of this century. :mash2:

Go read the first post , she is not talking at all what happened before marriage , she is talking about present.

39

I know a lot of people have problems with confrontations, especially of this nature. My suggestion to you is write down all of your grievances in a coherent manner and maybe fashion a letter out of it. Then, tell him that it is very important that he reads this letter and takes it seriously, and you would like to have a calm and non confrontational discussion about it. Make sure the letter isn't too sarcastic and has too much finger pointing. Hopefully this can start to a more positive outcome for both of you, if that is what you wish.

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Re: This marriage is a punishment

writing won't help it will only make things worse but so many people are suggesting it so I may sound odd to all but I can assure that it will only give negative result.