In the mid of all that fun and amusement regarding the poligamy, I have a serious issue to discuss with all here. It is about my brother which has recently disturbed me enough and come here to talk about it. he is married for like 8 years. at that time he was 22 and not financially stable. His father inlaw who is an uncle also (khaalu) set him up a small business so that he is not workless. There was a status gap between both the families but not that huge. But with the passage of time his father in law got richer and richer and now he is a billionare. This change of status has obviously affected their attitude towards other relatives and he, their eldest son in law is suffering the most. He is not treated with as respect and concern as are treated their other sons in law who are more well to do etc. Maybe it were bearable and he had tolerated compromising with fate but the most lamentable part is that his wife is completely neglegent of whatsoever duties a wife is obliged to do. She would not treat him the way we all typically treat our husbands; giving them love and care and favour, support. All she loves and cares about is her maternal family; her mother, brother, sisters, father. All the day husband is out at work and when he is back she is busy on phone talking to either mother or sisters paying minimum attention to her husband and this is something I as a close relative and neighbour witnessed as we live next door and are a kind of part of the family. The guy, already sensitive and suffering from inferiority complex complained many times, even cried, I talked to his wife trying to make her realise the status of husband in a wife’s life, the priorities and the strength of husband and wife relationship but she is not bothered. Even their sexual relation is not something normal. SHe would go near her husband only once in a while, conceive and then the husband is kicked in the ass for the reast of the year. She is said to be suffering from hundred and one diseases so she cant maintain sexual relation with her husband on a normal level. (now please dont blame me for concocting anything nor kindly question my involvment and interest, he is a brother, and he shared these few things in presence of our mother and me). SO he passed seven years in this out and our frustration and dissatisfaction. Im a married woman myself and I understand how abnormal the dearth of a normal sex life after marriage can be. EVen if that was the only problem I think poeple can sacrifice this much, (maybe) but the fact is he is not getting any thing from the relationship now. They have 3 kids, (the rare mating did bore this much of fruit) bit their relation is completely at stake now. The wierdest thing being the wife has not a slightest idea how and what her husband is suffering from. She is a daughter of a rich man so all the family will support them no matter what and she is blind enough to realise what status of her marital life is, at present. She is happy in her own little world of parents and siblings. There can be two possible options; first he should talk to her and make her understand but its already sure she wouldnt understand the sensitivity of the situation and the blame would rather rest on her husband and he would have to face even more bashing. Secondly, yes he can call a spade a spade and leave her and take his way but he is bound as his motherinlaw and his own mother are sisters so its all like a close knit family, affecting one portion will affect all of the family and when the favours are already with the fortune, they are rather going to suffer in a more terrible situation if he leaves away his wife and take any such step.
So all you sane and sound people, please consider it all seriously and tell what can in your honest opinion the solution of it all be? My brother now says he wants to re marry, with someone who may be ghareeb and simple but who can provide him physical as well as mental satisfaction of which he is not getting a fraction at present. We are enfrocing him not to because it is going to hurt all the family relations and God knows how things will turn if it happens. But isnt it a selfish act on part of us that we are watching him ruining day by day only for the peace of the family and that “log kya kahenge”. He is the only brother I have and if he is disturb it affects me like hell. Im much disturbed lately because of him and now I have turned to you people, maybe you can help with your honest opinions. thanks.
You know, there are nicer ways of saying the same thing and more “political” ways of handling the situation.
He should discuss with his wife and the extended family (in-laws, his parents) where/if appropriate what his expectations are and at that point put the onus on the wife to either change and fulfill her duties as a wife and partner. If she is unwilling to do so, she should agree to either him remarrying or taking a khula or divorce.
The point is - he needs to put it back on her so that the family, immediate and extended, knows that he tried to make the marriage work and that she was the one who failed in the marriage.
the sex life waning and the disease(mental/physical whichever they are, you didn't go into detail) are related.
it's a fact that if she is suffering from depression, antidepressants cause intimacy issues and disinterest in sex. no there are some women that have high sex drives as well. it's not something that can be generalized so
there is no way to get them to go to a marriage counselor ?
Nisha I wish that could be! She is my cousin sister, best friend of childhood but changing status created unbridgable gap. Even then, I would never want her family to break because if it is a brother in one place a cousin sister in the other. But when I see her all too absorbed in and obssessed with fashion and her maternal family whom do you think I should blame? My brother, who says, F, tum ne dawa le li? khana kha liya? or her who turns her face away in reply and is as curt as possible. No care nazbardari dildari whatever. As if she doesnt bother her husband and he doesnt have that substantial existance for her. the thing is she along with her family is suffering from heights of superiority complex. They became newly riche (the no doltiya type) so maybe for them relations are secondary now. If there were even a tint of positivety on her part I would have been the first to rebuke my brother and thats what we still do, keep on inculcating in his mind how good his wife is and he should appreciate. But even we ourselves know how false such consolations and assurances are.
Hmm, as Nisha said....perhaps depression may be the reason why she doesn't want to have sex. At the same attiudes of loved ones can rub off on you. If the wife's parents look down on the husband....maybe their attitudes have convinced her that he's inferior? It's not unreasonable either to say that something in the husband's manner or approach toward sex could be turning her off. Men and women see/respond to sex in different ways. Maybe they can try taking a vacation....a change of scenery...some romance could help if he hasn't tried that already.
He should first communicate with his wife and even tell her that things have come to a point where he's contemplating a 2nd marriage which he otherwise wouldn't want. Perhaps that might jolt her to her senses.....(sad that it should be this way) and get her to think about her actions. Her family may be wealthy but she'd still have to consider how the consequences of a 2nd marriage will affect her n the 3 children. If talking to her privately does not help........he can then address the issue with both his family and his wife's family. Maybe her parents can try to reason with her. I don't know how effective the intervention of a religious person like an imam would be. He can also take a break from her for a while.....that can put things in perspective. And if after trying everything....to no avail....then he does have the right to get a second wife who can better meet his physical and emotional needs.
Divorce is not the answer of all the problems of life. Lets be blunt and look at the things from that girls perspective. In last 7 years, her dad got richer and richer while her hubby is still at the same place where he was, that also off a business that was set for him by her own father.
So yes, he lost her respect (if you may). Did he do anything to gain that back but to cry or plead in front of her? (I did not see that from your post).
Also, is she demanding divorce? No, right. So given her a divorce would be just an egoistic way of telling her (by your brother) that he is the ultimate boss of the house, but its still not going to solve any problems. It will just increase the mess.
What I suggest that your brother sit with his FIL. Show some humblness (that his FIL deserves any which way as he is the dad of his wife) and ask him for his advice on how to grow his own business. Show some seriousness about his financial future and take it from there.
^ So respect from a wife should be based on husband's material wealth? What happened to being a supportive partner through thick and thin, richer or poorer?
I'm not an advocate of divorce, but the both the husband and the wife need to make the relationship work. If one is unable or unwilling to do so, the other has recourse available to them.
I think TLK has a good suggestion about seeking advice on how to better the business from the FIL....especially if the lack of financially security is also a an issue for the husband. At the same time, however, the wife needs to understand that there will be ups and downs in business.....and she needs to be supportive of him in tougher times. While, I can understand the guy's concern in being a better provider for his family....at the same time....I think it's sad that the wife should develop an affection for him once their fortunes improve....it shows her love is lacking.
no, its based on the hubbys willingness and ability and motivation to provide financial security to his family.
^ Who says he's not providing financial security for his family? From what I get, her family are nouveau riche/nau-daulatia, and she now has a superiority complex because of it.
I did not read that he was unable to support the family, though, yes reading between the lines, likely not to the same standard as her maikay waalay - why should a difference in standard of living be a bone of contention between the husband and the wife?
Some people don't aspire to be wealthy in worldly terms - why should that be held against him if he can nevertheless provide financially security for his family?
I am just trying to show the other side of the picture. You think that Rene might be looking at it from a biased pov only. You think that the girl probably has genuine health concerns hence a refusal of physical relationship with her hubby! We are mixing too many things in the pot here because we predetermined that guy is the victim in this whole scenario. Such preset mindset is not fair I think
Respect is earned. But it can not be earned from someone who does not value you at all. Like the father in this case. The father feels he is superior to the son in law and that will never change regardless of what the son does. As for the wife if she doesn't care at the most basic human levels for the husband, well he is better off alone.
Sorry he is already alone. If this was my friend in real life, I would give him the same advice. Divorce her. You deserve better. Not every woman is wife material. Not every woman deserves a home.
i had a professor that was mega arrogant and he never cared who he hurt, he had tenure so him realizing how hurtful he can be to some of his students and other faculty members at his level seems like it won't ever happen. and i know some people who went from not being able to pay their rent on time to becoming filthy rich, the wealth has gone to their head and since they are the older desi generation, they are less likely to see/realize how snooty they really have become.
can't say whether her family will come down to earth but it is possible that she might. Divorce is such an ugly ugly word that it should only be used for extreme situations of abuse.
dangling the word divorce around might bring some idea into her head that she needs to change too for the betterment of the marriage. easier said than done and we don't know the whole story.
Respect is earned. But it can not be earned from someone who does not value you at all. Like the mother in law in this case. The mother in law feels she is superior to the daughter in law and that will never change regardless of what the daughter in law does. As for the husband if he doesn't care at the most basic human levels for the wife, well she is better off alone.
Sorry she is already alone. If this was my friend in real life, I would give her the same advice. Divorce him. she deserve better. Not every man is husband material. Not every man deserves a loving home.
even if it was this situation above ^^^with some minor changes made by me in your comment, i still wouldn't say divorce(physical abuse), what is wrong with working on it until all options have been exhausted and there is no hope in sight.
Regardless of gender my comment stays. A marriage where the wench spends more time on the phone than with her SO is not worth it. It is a failed marriage there are no options to exhaust.
Without trying to figure out why she is spending more time on phone than with you is like thinking that you are faultless. I am sorry to say but with such attitude, the next marriage will not succeed either cause he wont be able to see his own faults and will always find blames in the other party.
You know, there are nicer ways of saying the same thing and more “political” ways of handling the situation.