Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Many people struggle with how to approach marriage. If you are happily married and have additional pieces of advice for single people, please feel free to add to this thread.

Imam Magid, ISNA (Islmaic Society of North America) President, high lights that it is important for a guy and girl to be on the same page about things before they agree to get married. Below 100 Questions list is a good starting point to answer and ask of yourself and any potential spouse. There are lots of other resources (articles, books, marriage counselors) that can help guide people and they don’t necessairly need to be muslim.

100 Premarital Questions

  1. What is your concept of marriage?

  2. Have you been married before?

  3. Are you married now?

  4. What are you expectations of marriage?

  5. What are your goals in life? (long and short term)

  6. Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.

  7. Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.

  8. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?

  9. What is the role of religion in your life now?

  10. Are you a spiritual person?

  11. What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?

  12. What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?

  13. What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslims community in your area?

  14. Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?

  15. What can you offer your zawj (spouse), spiritually?

  16. What is the role of the husband?

  17. What is the role of the wife?

  18. Do you want to practice polygamy?

  19. What is your relationship with your family?

  20. What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?

  21. What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?

  22. Is there anyone in your family living with you now?

  23. Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?

  24. If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?

  25. Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)

  26. How did you get to know them?

  27. Why are they your friends?

  28. What do you like most about them?

  29. What will your relationship with them after marriage be?

  30. Do you have friends of the opposite sex?

  31. What is the level of your relationship with them now?

  32. What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?

  33. What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?

  34. What are the things that you do in your free time?

  35. Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?

  36. What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?

  37. What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family)

  38. Do you travel?

  39. How do you spend your vacations?

  40. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?

  41. Do you read?

  42. What do you read?

  43. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?

  44. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?

  45. How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?

  46. How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you?

  47. Do you like to write your feelings?

  48. If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?

  49. If someone has wronged you, how do you want (s)he to apologize to you?

  50. How much time passes before you can forgive someone?

  51. How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?

  52. Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family?

  53. Do your friends use foul language?

  54. Does your family use foul language?

  55. How do you express anger?

  56. How do you expect your spouse to express anger?

  57. What do you do when you are angry?

  58. When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage?

  59. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved?

  60. Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

  61. What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?

  62. Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?

  63. Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?

  64. Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?

  65. What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?

  66. How do you support your own health and nutrition?

  67. What is you definition of wealth?

  68. How do you spend money?

  69. How do you save money?

  70. How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?

  71. Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?

  72. Do you use credit cards?

  73. Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?

  74. What are you expecting from your spouse financially?

  75. What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?

  76. Do you support the idea of a working wife? Another version to this is: Do you support the idea of a stay at home wife?

  77. If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?

  78. Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?

  79. Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?

  80. Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids?

  81. Do you want to have children? If not, how come?

  82. To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?

  83. Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?

  84. Do you believe in abortion?

84a) Do you believe in the use of contraceptives?

  1. Do you have children now?

  2. What is your relationship with your children now?

  3. What is your relationship with their other parent?

  4. What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent?

  5. What is the best method(s) of raising children?

  6. What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?

  7. How were you raised?

  8. How were you disciplined?

  9. Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?

  10. Do you believe in public school for your children?

  11. Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?

  12. Do you believe in home schooling for your children?

  13. What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends?

  14. Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?

  15. What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?

  16. If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?

2

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

Here are a few more questions from another source. These questions assume that you are in a relationship with someone and you are trying to decide whether to get engaged or not. And so, some of the questions may not apply if you are going out there to seek a rishta with someone you don't know.

Question 1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question 2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question 3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question 4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?

Question 5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question 6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question 7: If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other’s level of ambition?

Question 9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question 10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question 11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question 12: Is each of us happy with the other’s approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question 13: What place does the other’s family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question 14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question 15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question 16: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question 17: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question 18: What are my partner’s needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question 19: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a mosque? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question 20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other’s choices?

3

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

Are there going to be answer choices or we have to give short answers? 4-5 line answers ok? How much time do we have to complete this? H-B pencil allowed? Calculators allowed? Can I take bathroom breaks?

4

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

Ask 1000 questions if you want, you will never know someone completely until you live with them.:D

5

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

Making gol gol rotis while I go for swim in ocean :smokin:

Wat I win?

6

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

You win life!

7

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

Shouldn't #3 be the very first question asked??????/

8

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

100 questions? ain't nobody got time fo dat.

9

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

Yikes. That's probably how spouses were assigned to the citizens in The Giver.

10

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

The marriages were lot successful when there were no questions.

Anyhow these questions ensure that you will get a 'Ratta Maar' spouse who has memorized the theory but is not able to put it to any use.

11

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

The foul language question…hahaha…I found out one day when I was a passenger in my fiance’s car and we were on Devon looking for parking. Someone took the parking spot we were eyeing and so he yelled “BC!!”
There’s something about desi gaaliyan that makes me extra uncomfortable :bummer:

12

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

waching porn?

13

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

^^

and checking out members of the opposite/same sex.

14

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

I just got an idea from another thread I just read.

Ladies, it's easy for a man to divorce you islamically, he just has to say Khula, Khula, Khula 3 times. And apparently some guys make it hard for their wives to leave them so just put clauses in your marriage contract so that you can leave him without his "permission".

  • Just put clauses in your marriage contract if certain situations occur, you can be released immediately. For example, if the husband hid something material and significant that would have made the bride refuse the marriage proposal, she has the right to end the marriage. Something significant is different for different people but if a man has mental illness which was concealed before the Nikkah, it would be a fair thing to annul after the marriage occurs.

People can only hide some things only so much.

15

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

Exactly!

16

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

People get married without being aware as to what their beliefs/values/long term goals are and/or without being able to articulate them. And when that happens, the heartache & drama that ensues could've been prevented if they just took the time to get to know themselves and the other person about the important things.

17

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

Fully agree with that. But do you really think a questionnaire like this one would help you "get to know" someone? I highly doubt that.

18

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

:rotfl:

19

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

People lie about themselves. This question answer session is not enough to judge some one. Everybody puts their best foot forward when they meet someone new.

20

Re: Things to Ask Before Getting Engaged

Are you serious that you would use this guide as a questionaire? I would think that someone such as yourself " The Pakistani Brain of Austria" would at least know that you weave these questions into conversations. That you cannot prevent someone from lying but honestly some of these questions are about values and lifestyles with no right or wrong answers.

I think the point here is that people have trouble figuring out how to navigate in their rishta process. There is never a guarantee about a successful & happy marriage but taking steps to avoid a mismatch of values is a good idea.