To the point- I’m getting married to a MIRPURI guy. His family are very tradtional/cultural, they wanted him to get married back home but hes made it clear what hes wanted. (his family despise me but no have no choice but to accept me).
When his family came over, they were wearing VERY traditional clothes, his parents didnt speak english so i couldnt communicate with them.
He wants to live on the same street that his parents live on, his married sisters and brothers, after marriage. I’m willing to put in the effort and conform to any traditional expectations as long as they dont conflict with Islam.
To all you MIRPURI peps, what kind of traditional/cultural expectations are expected of me?
I'd say "Proceed with Caution". If its at all possible, spend time with the family to see how it goes, let them SEE that you're willing and able to conform to their idea of "good wife". You'll have troubles if they refuse to accept you still. And since your intended wants to live so closely with them, he will be more inclined to go along with them than you'd think. See whether he'd be willing to live away from his family (not that you should do that, just try to see what his reaction is....that will give you an idea of how much weight YOU carry with him as opposed to his family.) As a gori, I've had so many warm welcomes into my husbands family....but I have to say that I've seen "outsiders" who think that there is absolutely NO gori, half gori or westerner who would make a "good" wife since in their view, they are godless, evil etc etc etc. You could possibly find yourself in a situation where you'd have to be extremely careful of the stove which has been known to be the culprit in some nasty and fatal "accidents". Sorry to sound mean and negative but you really do need to carefully evaluate here.
If you want information about Mirpuries in the Uk
Two books I found helpful was Nick Danzigers Travels in uk(or something to that effect)
and Dervla Murphy's Tale of two cities..
They may be available in the social studies shelf in the library.
Mirpur is a rural town type place in northern Pakistan and the origanal UK Mirpuris came in large numbers and settled in one place, they faced alot of problems with the culture, finance etc but thing that they found comforting was the support they gave each other...
They "imported" their wives and families and created a large thriving community...
basically whole villages uprooted and traveled to certain towns and lived there...because of this they brought their village customs to the Uk and because they didnt need to "dilute" their customs by accepting very much of the host culture they still have to a certain degree the same village mentality and culture and mores of a rural pak village IN THE 1960's
they are seen as dinosaurs living in a bunker
this isnt totally a bad thing, but because they are so insular it takes time for them to accept something new.. something different or something exotic(you)
Your Parents in law may have lots of issues with accepting a new and exotic daughter in law, but they have made the decision to accept..
them coming to your house must have been a big step.
(other people in their place have resorted to emotional blackmail..the "i will die of heart attack if you marry her" kind of thing)
They wore traditional dress because thats probably what they wear at home, and I would imagine that the mother has worn nothing but Salwar kameez all her life.. to suggest that she wear western clothes would be offensive.
Them not being able to communcate with you MAY NOT be a bad thing...
soon you will pick up words and phrases and be able to talk to them a little
it needs practice and patience
My concern would be living in close proximity with them... living close to family has its plus points, you can get child minders, helpful hands when you have a dinner party etc
but you will also get the intrusive relative who will inform you that "this is the way WE do things"
I have noticed that the main culprits are the Aunts and sisters in laws
if you can possibly try, try to get a house which is five mins drive away... its still close enough
all in all, talk to your fiancee, Mirpuris are not monsters...they will find you as strange as you find them
as long as it doesnt cause offence and cause arguments between youre husband and yourself ..you should be fine-.....
Lalita: ma advice do not marry him. If his parents doesnt like u now, they will never like u in the future either and parents are always the first preference for all paki sons/daughters. U should end it before its too late, coz there is a 75% chance this aint gonna work.
Good luck for whtever step u take
I hope it works out for u two
p.s: they seem a bit backward, i guess they would ask ya to cover ur head (nothing wrong with it, but if ur not used to it then......) and prolly wouldn't like u talking to any guy in the surroundings
Whatever you do, don't move anywhere near the in-laws. Oh, and you might want to put everything you agree on doing and not doing, in writing and make it part of the nikkah.
Personally, I would not go for it in a sitaution like that you described. Boys who like living down the street from their parents when the parents do not have any particular medical situation, etc...its just not good news.
I do however think that it’s not always bad to live close to parents, and Pakistanis r generally very family-oriented and that might be something u will have to get used to Lalita. I like that about our culture, but that’s just me…i don’t think it’s rite to only be close or think of ur parents (or in-laws) when they r ill only…they will be getting older, need company etc…and if u cannot live with them, then living closeby is better i guess. Being near them may cause problems, but that happens in every family and how far u r from them doesn’t always matter…the hard bit is just understanding each other and getting along, which u can’t avoid really. Since ur half Pakistani, it will just be more difficult as two cultures r mixing (not just that they r mirpuri)…hopefully, with time they will accept u…many interracial couples have done so successfully
those of you who think living close to parents or wanting to be close to them is wrong and that they only deserve ur care and love only if they have a medical condition are pathetic!
Mamaof3, even if the love of my life asks me whos more important to me, her or my family, my answer would be my family. I am disappointed that you would ask her to make him choose one or weigh in and see who he likes/holds more important. As tranditional people, give them a break, yes its tough for them to accept a gori wife and sorry but yes they live in the 18th century but thats the way they are. They cant be as open minded or 'modern' as your 21st century folks.
Lalita, goodluck and its basically upto u and ur hubby... if you both want to make it work, it will work, yes it,ll be hardwork, but very doable. I'm sure with time the inlaws would be more open to you. If they are traditional, you should know what you are getting urself into and understand that there might be awkward moments, and that there would be compromises. The key is ur hubby. Its a mans job to know the place of his wife and his family and how to handle it all. If he has a strong personality, you dont need to worry about anything. He'll handle it all and wont let you be mistreated in anyway.
They may be available in the social studies shelf in the library.
Mirpur is a rural town type place in northern Pakistan and the origanal UK Mirpuris came in large numbers and settled in one place, they faced alot of problems with the culture, finance etc but thing that they found comforting was the support they gave each other...
They "imported" their wives and families and created a large thriving community...
basically whole villages uprooted and traveled to certain towns and lived there...because of this they brought their village customs to the Uk and because they didnt need to "dilute" their customs by accepting very much of the host culture they still have to a certain degree the same village mentality and culture and mores of a rural pak village IN THE 1960's
they are seen as dinosaurs living in a bunker
this isnt totally a bad thing, but because they are so insular it takes time for them to accept something new.. something different or something exotic(you)
Your Parents in law may have lots of issues with accepting a new and exotic daughter in law, but they have made the decision to accept..
them coming to your house must have been a big step.
(other people in their place have resorted to emotional blackmail..the "i will die of heart attack if you marry her" kind of thing)
They wore traditional dress because thats probably what they wear at home, and I would imagine that the mother has worn nothing but Salwar kameez all her life.. to suggest that she wear western clothes would be offensive.
Them not being able to communcate with you MAY NOT be a bad thing...
soon you will pick up words and phrases and be able to talk to them a little
it needs practice and patience
My concern would be living in close proximity with them... living close to family has its plus points, you can get child minders, helpful hands when you have a dinner party etc
but you will also get the intrusive relative who will inform you that "this is the way WE do things"
I have noticed that the main culprits are the Aunts and sisters in laws
if you can possibly try, try to get a house which is five mins drive away... its still close enough
all in all, talk to your fiancee, Mirpuris are not monsters...they will find you as strange as you find them
as long as it doesnt cause offence and cause arguments between youre husband and yourself ..you should be fine-.....
.... ish:)
I am short-listing this post for my 'best of the year' list.
wtf r u guys talking about? I hope every single one of you who says that living close to parents is a bad thing ends up having a kid who leaves when you are old, inshAllah.
I know your husband to be will not change himself to get along with your parents fine then why should girl change.
i personally would not change me compeletely just to be with someone Ofcourse on occasions you have to compromise but to a limit.
Lalita this is how i look at it- Parents should have enough trust in their kids that they raised them well and they can make a good judgement. You are lucky mashallah guy stood up for you in front of his parents and respected them at the same time.
Kids are usually some sort of a reflection of parents. If he fell in love with you and now marrying you i am sure your in laws will appreciate you as time will go by.
I honestly dont know much about mirpuris etc but i know they are Pakis. You will have to be born again to please them. So just leave it..... be yourself.
and Congratulations i love shadis, tons of nice clothes and jewelry..Oh dont forget to post your lehnga pics on gupshup i will look forward to those and mehndi designs.
I have been in your situation - you can't do anything other than be yourself. Try to wear shalwar kameez when you go to their home, or when they come to yours, out of respect, and be polite, but to tell you the truth it will take you years to learn how not to make all of the cultural missteps that happen.
I would be very cautious about living on the same street, even though disapproving parents may allow a marriage to happen, they rarely make it easy. Please talk to your husband to be in advance, and try to set some guidelines (i.e. call before dropping by, dinner at their house once a week, or whatever compromise you can work out). One thing I have learned the hard way is that there is no concept of privacy in desi households, even when you don't live together. Another thing I was told that because I married a Pakistani
that makes me Pakistani, so I should basically adopt all of their traditions, ways of dressing, etc. And this is a well-educated "modern" family I married into.
The secret to happiness in a cross-cultural marriage is lots and lots of compromise, and then compromise some more, on both sides. Some things are worth standing your ground, some aren't - it's up to you to decide what those things are. And remember that your husband's parents raised him to be the person he is today - and love them for that, especially on the days when his sister makes catty comments and his mother is trying to change your personality :)
And avoid those aunties - and never become close enough to anyone in his family to start confiding your secrets - 'blood is thicker than water' definitely applies here, and they won't be secrets for long ;)
What is a mirpuri?