So I’m in my early twenties and I have a cousin who is interested in getting married. He asked me what I think and told me he didn’t want to say anything to his family till he knew my opinion. He’s a nice guy, working abroad in U.A.E. and I’m here in the U.S. I want to go into the healthcare field, work and live here. But he’s not interested in that and prefers the U.K. My issue is
I’m not sure how I feel about a cousin marriage. This isn’t anything against anyone who may be married within family but everyone has their own choice. It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I haven’t called him bhai or even considered him a brother. But marriage in a family bothers my parents too. In their opinion, maintaining ties is already difficult, add another (fragile) relation such as a marriage, and things become even more complicated. And I get that.
Our families are very different. His mom’s my dad’s sister but my family is religious and has different thinking and his is very different than that. It makes me feel like I won’t fit in. Not just his family, my entire dadyaal side is different. Tez (not cunning but… family politics)
I prefer not to move out of the U.S. I prefer a guy here and not someone abroad. I also feel like guys who have lived in the west have different mind sets than guys who have been raised and brought up in Pakistan (which he has). They’re open minded, interested in things other than work - that’s what I’ve observed in majority, not everyone. In Pakistan, majority have the typical desi mentality; meri maa, behen, family, yours don’t mean so much. Now I know him enough to know he values his family a lot (which is great) but I don’t know him enough to know whether he has this mentality.
My sister got married when she was 18. So now the pressure is on me. I come from a family who prefers early marriage and then the larki can go on studying and living her life. My mom has started talking about marriage so I can tell she’s worried. Even though I don’t want to rush into marriage simply because of age, I do feel the pressure.
Moving away from your family and support system is very tough. Add to that the very restrictive environment, I wouldn't be too happy. Marrying into a family which is very different from yours is tricky. If you are can adapt to their lifestyle it won't be a problem. But keep in mind it is the woman who is expected to adapt not the other way around.
Also what are your feelings about your cousin? Do you like him? Can you envision. Life with him? If he is a nice guy and family isn't crazy psycho then a lot of issues become non issues
But marriage in a family bothers my parents too. In their opinion, maintaining ties is already difficult, add another (fragile) relation such as a marriage, and things become even more complicated.
2) Our families are very different. His mom's my dad's sister but my family is religious and has different thinking and his is very different than that. It makes me feel like I won't fit in. Not just his family, my entire dadyaal side is different. Tez (not cunning but... family politics)
3) I prefer not to move out of the U.S.
The things listed above are valid reasons for you to say "no" to this guy. You already know that his family and your family are different and these differences WILL causes issues in the future. You want to stay in the U.S. and this guy has already told you that he does not. And as you stated yourself.....being raised in Pakistan, his mentality will be very different than yours.
You have not listed a single reason as to why you want to or should say "yes" to this guy. If your mom has started talking about marriage then tell her to start bringing your rishtas. Its not like your mom is telling you to go find a guy on your own. I get that you feel pressure to get married....but I don't see any reason for you to say "yes" to this particular guy. Not only will it cause tension/drama in your own life....but also your parents.
I did talk to my mom. Her biggest issue is the family. She says that he himself is a nice guy, very friendly and all. But she has had to go through problems herself because they (who are her sasural wale) were of VERY different mind set than where she came from. She is a very patient woman who till today has quietly put up with any family politics that happened against her. I'm not too sure I'd be able to. @Hmmna: I like him, he's not the ideal tall, dark, and handsome guy every woman dreams of but he is pretty good looking in his own way. Personality wise, he's very considerate about my reputation in front of others. Like when I talked to him, I liked how he said he didn't want anyone in his family to know about our conversation because everyone's going to be make a big deal out of it saying we probably talk all the time, etc. (I can totally see my phophos doing this -_- ) He also didn't go and talk to his parents until he talked to me. So I really liked that, he's very considerate and a nice guy. But is that enough for me to say yes?
His family isn't psycho like what you see in Pakistani/Indian dramas lol but they're tez. As in they are nice people but they'll make a big deal out of the tiniest issues. I don't know how to describe them :/ And it freaks me out because i know myself, and I don't think I can survive in that environment. I know I'm marrying him, not his family but since he values family so much, I'm sure I'll be interacting with them A LOT.
I have done istikhaara and I don't know how I feel :/
@Paheli00: Actually sorry I should edit that, he didn't say no, he said depending on the work opportunity he gets, he may move. But he prefers the U.K. or Canada.
My own feelings are what stopped me from saying no right there. Like I wrote above, he's very considerate and that's something that I didn't expect from anyone from my dadyaal. I'm not trying to demean them but they pick at every opportunity to find every reason to show my mom and us sisters down (my dad's the only guy in the family and he lives and works in the U.S. so..) But he himself is a nice guy. To make matters more confusing, my mom says she's been seeing him in dreams... Don't know if that even matters
If there are so many red flags and there is no reason that can compel you, you can easily bail yourself out of this
but on side note, if he really is a good, decent, educated guy, you can still think about him. All of your red flags are not really red...sort of pinkish
Firstly, surely you’re old enough to realize that in desi families…you don’t just marry the guy. You are marrying into his entire family. And if you already know that he values his family a lot, and you’re sure you’ll have to interact with them enough…then think carefully. Your mom kept her mouth shut and that’s how she managed to survive the family politics. Understand that in order for this marriage to work…you will also need to keep your mouth shut. His family didn’t change after your mother’s wedding or in the past few decades since then. They sure as heck aren’t going to change if/when you marry him. So if you know yourself and already know that you cannot survive in that environment…then I honestly have no idea why you’re even considering him.
Yea well that’s a lot of uncertainty isn’t it? I imagine he needs to get married first before immigrating to the U.S. So once the nikah papers are signed, he gets here, and can’t find a job…or doesn’t like the jobs he gets…then what? Are you going to keep quiet and follow him to UK/Canada or wherever else he wants to go? And do not forget to even with “work opportunity”…he has already told he that he PREFERS NOT to be in the U.S. Once the nikah papers are signed, and he decides to go with what he prefers…either you follow him or get divorced.
You still haven’t listed any reasons as to why you’re even considering this guy? There are plenty of nice, friendly, considerate guys whose family will be similar to your parents, and who want to settle in the U.S. I’m not getting why you’re so desperate that you’re picking a guy whose future plans/values seem to be very different from yours. His family already puts your mother, and you/your siblings down. Why on earth do you want to marry into a family that already has 0 respect for you and your parents? You really want your future children to deal with the drama and listen to all the bad mouthing from his family?
I agree with what @Paheli00 said, except for the following:
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There are plenty of nice, friendly, considerate guys whose family will be similar to your parents, and who want to settle in the U.S. I'm not getting why you're so desperate
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Not everyone thinks that there are plenty of guys out there. Nice, considerate guys don't last. Plus the OP's sister got married when she was 18 and OP herself is 21. By that measure, she might as well be 28 or 30. That should explain her urgency.
I don't think there is any thing wrong in seriously considering this guy, but like most pointed out here, if OP has issues with the family, she should back out. The considerate thing runs both ways; after you get married and if there comes a time he needs to take a side, he could be more considerate towards his own family.
Do something with your life. Learn something. A skill. How to fly a kite. Be productive.
Learn about yourself, maybe live with some roommates. Maybe go to college? How about community college?
Then once you're able to take care of yourself, and you're in a position that if you marry and have kids, and your husband dies/gets disabled, and you know in your heat of hearts you can actually take care of your family, then have kids. Cuz the world is getting dangerous for us, you never know, maybe your husband will peeve someone off with his 10 foot beard and get shot.
I am getting an education, I've lived with roommates and been to a community college. I'm in university graduating next year iA.
I'm well aware that he isn't the only decent guy and there are others for sure, but like someone said, they don't last. It's rare. But anyway, thank you for the advice. My mom is looking for rishtas and it's not like she wants to get me married off tomorrow, she's in the same boat as me; wants a good family, a good educated guy even if that means I have to wait a little. But being a mother, she's concerned that it's getting "late"
I would be very surprised if he is not already contacting you on his family's instructions ... Letting you think it's just you and him at the moment. This is not to doubt him, but from my experience in Pakistanis is that they do not meddle in family stuff ... Without permission ... rather without instruction from above ... When you spoke to your mum did she looked surprised? You see parents tend to speak first ... It appears the parents recognise the need of the kids these days to "feel they are making their own decisions" ... I would hazard a guess that his mum already knows ... Possibly your mum and he was given the green light to gauge your thoughts directly. It's a good way to both meet the expectations of the family by giving access to you for him to speak with you, but at the same time not support it and put it on you to make your own mind up. I feel the decision should be "no" from your side, so long as you can pass to a rishta which is more to your liking and obtainable within the next half year or so. But I would be hesitant to say either yes or no at this stage and I would find out more about him first.
I would be very surprised if he is not already contacting you on his family's instructions ... Letting you think it's just you and him at the moment. This is not to doubt him, but from my experience in Pakistanis is that they do not meddle in family stuff ... Without permission ... rather without instruction from above ... When you spoke to your mum did she looked surprised? You see parents tend to speak first ... It appears the parents recognise the need of the kids these days to "feel they are making their own decisions" ... I would hazard a guess that his mum already knows ... Possibly your mum and he was given the green light to gauge your thoughts directly. It's a good way to both meet the expectations of the family by giving access to you for him to speak with you, but at the same time not support it and put it on you to make your own mind up. I feel the decision should be "no" from your side, so long as you can pass to a rishta which is more to your liking and obtainable within the next half year or so. But I would be hesitant to say either yes or no at this stage and I would find out more about him first.
No my mom is well aware of him being interested in me. In fact, his khala/my phopho asked my mom a few months ago. She said he doesn't know but just between my mom and her, she wants to know if my mom would be interested in getting the two of us married. That's when my parents brought up the whole thing about marrying into family becoming complicated.
I don't know what more to ask him. He's told me everything about work, his future plans, I know his family, they're my family too. From the looks of it, he's a decent guy and nothing that bothers me about him. His family however, is a different case. They aren't evil people, just complicated
^Why don't you talk to him about the issue of marrying into family being complicated....but do it tactfully without criticizing his folks. Maybe this will lead to him sharing his views on family conflicts should be handled after marriage.
Let him know that you're currently unsure...that you need more time...so that he does not feel misled or strung along by you.
And istikhara is based on how things turn out...look at events as they are more concrete than dreams. If this guy is not right for you, it simply won't happen...it won't culminate in marriage. If it's good for you, it will happen with ease.
You mentioned you want to get into the healthcare field. Does that mean further education is on the cards for you? If so, you may find it hard to do so in some other country.