the TALK!

Lifestyle Relationships
1

ok so all you regular guppies may know my past problems with the inlaws moving in and all --not leaving and then trying to take over–

now it is getting bad my FIL has already gotten in the routine of having conversations with my husband about problems everytime they catch him alone–which has started aggravating me–sure parents can have alone time with their son not a problem! but when it is just conversations about problems in the house which involve me then i feel like it is unfair that i don’t even get a chance to say anything in my defense.

When my husband tries to clarify or support me they say “you just support your wife” if he starts simply agreeing with them then they will say “see we are right your wife has problems” so my poor hubby is in such a messed up spot.

now he actually told him that they should talk infront of me–so my FIL now will have a talk with us together!!!

but now the problem is how do i approach it—unfortunately when you start talking all facts and realistic things and not drama or movie like things—and show them that ok these are the issues , this is what you do wrong, this is what we want–then in my opinion it is kind of like talking back to adults i.e. disrespect—which i don’t want to do–FIL and MIL has both made up their minds and blame both of us for everything —that we are against–the brothers, their kids blah blah…and MIL—and simply it all revolves around FIL wanting to give all control of OUR HOUSEHOLD (mind you) in hands of MIL then everything will be perfect----he wants us to walk her walk and talk her talk…

now my dilemma is when they do have this talk what should i do–speak my mind and tell them things how they are…(but they are both in such denial and biased they just don’t want to understand–)they have just made up their minds about certain things—

other choice is just to keep quiet and say ok whatever you guys say and continue living but that is obviously not working otherwise I wouldn’t be posting this…

or just tell them ok this will not work —you guys decide and let us know..

little background–they don’t want to go to pakistan, they don’t want to rotate among their three sons, but they simply want to be here and in our house but then in that case (they want control not only household things but kids as well)my MIL constantly overrides my things towards the kids( and not the usual spoiling of kids by grandparents --this is everyhting) --so on one hand FIL and MIL want their sons to give all respect to their mom and listen to her but when it comes to me and my kids then still they expect my kids to listen more to grandma–

they have mentioned an apt for them which is fine but they want only us and not the other sons to be responsible financially–ok what logic is that —they are not our responsibility only…

so help—once again–what do i do–i keep thinking if they go back b/c we say well this is not working out and god forbid somehting happens (getting sick mostly) then i will get the blame forever----but believe me i have gone out of my way, ignored my own kids just to please them but they are just not happy and feel disrespected—i mean even if i get angry i don’t say anything i just keep quiet out of respect and they don’t like that,and now they are starting to really pick very very minute things and turning them into complaints----i mean i cook food everyday, clean, wash their sheets, towels, serve food—medicines, doctors, yes and i have kids…too right—and still they are not happy–i am human not a superhero–after so many years if i can’t please them then i feel like there is nothing else i can do…and i want to now concentrate on my family…my inlaws are not that old but they are acting about 25years older then their age–but when it comes to social life my MIL starts acting 25 years younger then her age and wants to make friends with my friends…and look like me , dress like me…

such a tough position it is like a loose loose situation for us…and worse for my husband…don’t know what to do..we suggested that they should rotate through all their sons–equally and maybe things will be better…well they toook that as an insult–i mean desi parents some of them get so narrow minded and take everything as an insult and always look at the negative aspects and not the positive—i mean they are home all the time…all they do is watch tv…and that’s it…all day–we (me and hubby) have not been able to watch tv freely for like months now…it is either with them or never—

2

Re: the TALK!

two requests: please serious advice only and two if you are responding please don't quote my post.....in your reply i may take my post off after a day...for personal security
and thanks in advance to sincere responders

3

Re: the TALK!

^ another one for sending the MIL and FIL to the Old Folks Home.....feel sorry for your dilema.

I would throw a brick into their TV............I mean the TV.....and tell em to go for long walks....good for their health......Poor Son..dammed if he does or doesn't do any thing.
On a more serious note find your In Laws some productive activities out side the home so they quite bothering you. Good Luck! Sister Jasmine.

4

Re: the TALK!

I am just curious how other DIL's treat them, are they straightforward with them on everything? I am assuming they have set some rules which are not acceptable to your In-laws and that is why they want to be at your place because they can see that it is easy to supress you and stuff. I say before you both go infront of them, Talk to your husband and set some grounds rules of what is acceptable and what is not. From different household duties, kids, your budget, how much you can give them, etc. Your husband should talk to the other brothers of his for sharing the financial responsibility. So yeah I think you need to set some ground rules and just stick to them.

5

Re: the TALK!

some women may want to retrot back 'tis the joys of joint family living'. but please dont mind, see what is it that they need - attention of their son and daughter in law, maybe.

or they are being delibrately, mischief makers.
some thing that is coming in observations alot iin families today, is that parents are consciously or unconsciously looking for trouble - with friends of their own children, or their spouses' or the spouses of their children.

they are anticipating problems in the newly wed's married life, so they make it happen, even though this may not be an issue between the couple itself.

so, the plan a is to respect parents and yes, do talk in front of all.
back biting will still go on, but if you know that without letting your husband and your self, become weak and helpless, you can mold their minds and hearts, by being honest and respectful but firm.

you cant reason always, with people who are set in their ways.
but, being able to work their deployed plans on them so that they may see its flaws, without disparaging the parents in law, you can win them over, hopefully.
persist and you will be successful, if nothing else, at least leaving them with an impression that they would marvel and wont be able to justify their actions to themselves even. they may begin respecting you and giving a space as a daughter to you, but that is also dependent on how much your husband is fair to you and to his parents or is he unfair to his own self as well!
lots to unravel here, bit by bit, and it is not impossible, unless these people are wicked and inhuamn and are abusing you, harrasing you and utterly discordant towards your and their son's happy married life.
in that case, it is different.

first do all you can to give them their chance to correct their behaviors and also correct your own a bit, and see if it works.

this is simply my opinion and what ii have observed in married folks around.
i wish you well. :>

best,

Dushwari

Dholki - Final Match - Won by DPL Team
6

Re: the TALK!

Why have they picked you guys to live with
and not one of the other brothers?

7

Re: the TALK!

Exactly!! right why have they picked us to live with??? exactly on point kind of undermines their statements about we get no respect here--you guys have problems with us!! if that was so true then why is our house their preference---

the other DIL is white--that should just tell you everything----and the baby is not married and yes up until few mths back he was mooching off of the brothers lving with them---and not having to spend a dime--yes and he is 35---he was their tag along---where ever they lived--the thing is major problem adn i should say the nucleus of all the problems is MIL's control and authorithy you give that to them it is all fine---

as you guys don't us personally me and my husband give the most respect--we have quietly adjusted and completely changed our life style b/c of them--which i don't think is fair---but they are parents--

FIL got so offended when my hubby suggested to one brother through email thaat all of us should take equal turns--they are all of our responsibilties and not just mine since i have taken care of htem for like the last 8 years...yes the little son and the older one report everything to mom--so he forwarded the email to MIL and they both got so offended and said how dare you decide for us how we live--but my question to them will be " how do they decide for us how we live i mean we were living on our own for 3years now all of a sudden they have decided to permanently live with us turning into a joint family system"----i mean i think that's a fair question...

oh yeah they are very dependant so as for the activities---neither of them drive or speak english well..........yup...!! so that would be another chore for us--but see this is where the irony is my FIL has no desire really to do anything and MIL has all the desires to do things with me not her age group----like hang with my friends--that is why it is such a pain when friends (whihc hardly any now come over) come over cuz she is like there the whole time---i can't go get a freakin pedicure now w/o her--i took her once for like a b-day or eid and now..it is like a routine if i go i better take her--so i don't really go but you get the drift---

8

Re: the TALK!

is it just me or are we tired o hearing about these FIL MIL SIS BIL stories..come on people......

9

Re: the TALK!

i am sorry to say but this is very disrespectful of you to say things about your parents in law.

best,

Dushwari

10

Re: the TALK!

desigirl 786: after reading first line of my post you would have realized that this is about the inlaws then you shouldn't have gone on reading it if you are tired of them...i needed advice so i posted...

dushwari: how do you expect me to get advice from people when then don't know the story ---i am simply telling them what is going on why is that disrespectful??/if i simply write "i am having problems with inlaws" how would anyone give me any advice they will ask right??

11

Re: the TALK!

Yeah i think we are tired of these fil, mil, stupid kids first getting into forced marriages and then renting on gs, how many babies, can't have kids, aunties bashing all the time, etc.

People come here with their issues, general topics for discussion, etc. Yes, at times certain topics seems overwhelming like these days the parent in laws topics and forced marriages. We should avoid making statements like I am getting sick from so and so topic. Best thing to do is avoid reading those threads.

12

Re: the TALK!

please listen, whitejasmine,

things can be worse. if you wont give them their space and they wont give you, yours.
so, in that respect, please be kind so that they cannot have anything against you, to prove you to be the bad person.

build, establish, keep... the relationship as if it is with your own parents.

befriend them. it will work, inshallah.
you need to do all you can, to let them know, that you wont leave their son and your husband to suffer like this, due to their want of holding him down.
as long as they are not after your life, you can handle them with respect, all by your self, even.

in fact, surprise your husband by being genuinely really smart and wise, and enable your parent in laws to feel welcomed in your home.

engage them in your family life of two.

and you will see the change of hearts, the good thing is that you are married and so you can disprove them, because they are aware of the fact that your husband has legally married you.

this is the time to also let them know, that you are raised by your parents neither as a timid person, nor as a disrespectful one - either sketch is scary for any happy marriage, if the daughter in law is perceived and actually found to be so.

same with sons in law.

please save your marriage and not take these petty family nok jokh to destroy your married life. take it lightly and not make it such a personalized issue.
enable your husband and parents in law and sibling/s in law to see that you are a good addition to their family.

they will have to make space for you, inshallah :>

all the best,

Dushwari

13

Re: the TALK!

Oh common she is in that family for at least 4 or so years and they still haven't realized that she is a good addition to the family.

On the other hand they know that the white/gori DIL is not going to take all that crap and with the 35 year old single son, they themselves have to move around the house i.e. cook, do all the laundry, etc. So to avoid all that they have decided they can make her home their permanent and dictate her and her husband like some typical desi in-laws.
They have more then enough space; it is time for these parents in law to give their son and dil some space.

14

Re: the TALK!

WJ all i will say is that put urself in ur husbands situtation and would u have reacted the same way if ur parents had come to live wid u, think bout it, as far as ur PILs go well they should understand a lil too that u guys are grownups and that u need ur time too but for this to happen u have to speakup but not in an offensive way instead just as u would convey this to ur parents. Ur husband is in a spot at the moment and he needs ur support and trust me u r in a better position to standup and say this then ur husband. As far as taking control of the house goes well ........ that is a touchy topic cant say much but again there has to be a compromise from both sides.

my 2 cents.

And yeah btw some ppl comin to threads and bashing those threads, please refrain from responding on topics u don like, don just bash threads as ppl post here in hope of getting a decent suggestion specific to their case.

15

Re: the TALK!

I think you should be frank with them, yet polite. As Lusi said, it would be good to set some ground rules, though this should have been done before they came to your place. From your posts it seems like they’re being completely unreasonable.

The simple solution is to this is to tell them not to worry as you’ll cover 1/(the number of bros your husband has+1) of the bill.

Remember, they are his parents, not yours. You should respect them and all but remember, you don’t have any duties to them as your husband does. If you stand your ground, :insh: they’ll give you your space.

16

Re: the TALK!

Wj, dont be bothered by those who complain about your complaining lol! The internet is a very safe/anonymouse place to seek advice and thats exactly what you're doing - so dont be bothered by them - and to "them" - give her a break man!

ANYhoo. It will be the toughest thing ever but the best thing would be to lay things on the line and be perfectly frank and honest with them. Life in the west is VERY different from life in the east in EVERY way - from house design to affordability of household help, cooking, shopping etc. Quality Time with spouse can be non-existent, forget about THAT when your focus would be to have quality time with kids. They NEED to understand this, they need to come to terms with how life is "over here" as compared to "over there". And if they can come to the understanding of the difference between eastern living and western living, maybe maybe they would find it in their hearts to give you and your family the break that you need. Even if that turns out NOT to be the case, they still need to face the difference here. It WOULD be a lovely thing to be able to have extended family-type living here in the USA but it really isnt even a remote possibility unless you are a multi-millionaire, know what I mean?

Be honest and sincere without malice and just lay it out to them - as uncomfortable as it will be, it needs to be done. IMHO.

Aaaj aap ne Lunch main kaya khaya
17

Re: the TALK!

yeah see i truely believe it is a blessing to have grandparents for my kids but now the grandma wants to act like their mother.....

also from i am getting from them is basically they have pretty much decided our lives for us...they don't want to go back or live with the other sons and just want to be here in our house--pretty much permanently since their visits (and might i add extended visits from pakistan)have gone to never going back--ok so they want to be here permanently but just like we can't decide their lives why are they deciding for us that they will just live with us as long as they are alive--

i mean what if i or my husband (who at this point feels like he has no choice) don't want a joint system--we want our independant lives--b/c they interfere in everything plus they just don't leave---

i mean you know how women needs some break from hubby dear and children---well i get none from them the only way to do that is that I leave the house---they don't even want to go visit the other son.....

i mean i feel like they just decided our lives for us too--i mean didn't bother to ask like ok we don't want to go back want to be here permanently so what do you kids have to say about us--

oh yeah about the sharing finances--they already said the parents we have to be responsible for them entirely other than groceries (c'mon)---it is like "zabardasti" you know they leave us no choice...

18

Re: the TALK!

OK!..............................................Now think as if they were your OWN PARENTS

Would you feel the same way with them?..................................:)

19

Re: the TALK!

yes i would---because i think it is just unfair--see if there is a legit reason for why a set of parents is dependant on the kids---health, finances one can justify--and if they are fair--just like they are my husband parents they are parents of the other two sons as well---been married for 12 years--and up until now we have been held responsible for the sons as well---indirectly--like creating jobs for them at my husband companies, they have always just called us for money and again borrowing is not a term in this family it is just give and take and i have never said a single word---or shown attitude---but even my silence they have taken or accused me of disrespecting them----

i have no problem if they rotate or go visit back and forth to paki --but they simply don't even go visit anyone here--i do everything and i mean everything for them----necessities, to wants!! you name them i do them---i have done more for them that their three sons combined--and still ia m the bad one well then i feel like i am only human and only capable of so much---i got to look after my kids...

Timepass
20

Re: the TALK!

....

~**~ Congrats Rabzzz ~**~
~**~ Congrats Rabzzz ~**~