Many will agree that the rishta process can be really difficult to deal with and a troublesome ordeal for all involved, particularly the ladies. Boys and their families come and meet the girl for a few short hours and pass judgement on them.
Furthermore, it seems that the religious tolerance of men in islam being permitted to marry outside their faith has resulted in increased difficulty for ladies to find a partner; at least it seems to be so.
Being a guy though I feel I must highlight that often times the case that the girl and her family have set some pretty ridiculous standards. IM NOT SAYING THE MALE SIDE DOESNT DO THE SAME. But I am responding to the concept of there not being enough good guys out there.
To an extent the blame in certain cases rests with the ones complaining.
What they say
“Its so hard to find an acceptable guy nowadays”
What they mean
“Its so hard to find a guy nowadays who meets mine and my family’s standards”.
Im not looking for a poll about who has a harder time in the rishta process, girls or guys. But rather that in many cases the problem lies with demands.
We, as a people, judge much too quickly and harshly.
Yes, with certain people there are too many demands. I can't speak for society as a whole, but probably yes, in general, say as each generation gets to marriage age etc, there are more demands than in the previous generation. I'm not saying there is anything right or wrong with that, but it just most likely is.
It's everyone's choice, or should be anyway, who they wanna marry, so yes people sometimes will be pretty choosy about it.
I would agree. There are quite a few people that I know personally who have been looking for a good few years now for rishtay and there is definitely not a lack of proposals. One of my friends has seen seven rishtay already, the last one the guy was an accountant he was living with his mum and sister, he was decent looking and more importantly he seemed like a really nice guy. His mum had sight problems and he was holding her hand leading her to where she needed to go, he helped her into her chair and he just treated her with so much respect and care. I found it to be really lovely and promising. My friend though didn't accept that rishta. When I asked her what she was looking for she said he wasn't tall enough, he didn't make £50000/year and he wasn't very open or chatty plus she wants someone better looking. I just think when people have a list of material things they want then they'll be looking for a long time. Yes everyone has the right to choose who they marry but you need a reality check too.
helo all reading and posting here i hav made an fb group abt this same topic and i feel like there rnt enough forums to discuss all the problems faced by ppl going thru the process.wen we can hav fb groups abt all the film and food and other stuff wats wrong with discussing rishta dilemas.my humble request to plz join.may be ur support can make some1s problem easier Facebook
We do judge pretty quickly. But when going an arranged marriage route, do we really have much choice? All our decisions are made by taking things at face value because really how else would you narrow down the prospects?
I guess I didn't think much of it when my parents were looking for a rishta for me, but now I realize they were pretty picky too. And I'm glad they were that way because I was the one who ended up benfitting from it.
From their perspective, the guy had to:
- Be a doctor or engineer (this is a family thing....not sure why. My mom even rejected an accountant and pharmacist because of this)
- Come from an educated and good family
- Have a decent job
- Live in North America
- Decent looking (not fat or unattractive)
- Be tall (my request)
- Have similar values to our own (family, values, culture, language, background, etc.)
- Not be against me working and/or pursuing post-grad schooling if I wished
They apparently rejected people out of hand who didn't meet any of the above criteria. I love my folks to pieces and I know they only did this because they wanted the best for me....but honestly, sometimes I'm surprised they managed to find anyone fitting this criteria. Fast forward to the present, here I am happily married to a wonderful man :)
In my experience, it's not a bad thing to have standards...just don't be unrealistic (e.g. "3/10" girl/guy demanding to marry a "10/10" megarich superstar who will move countries to be with them, never say no to them, etc. etc.)
I never thought about the smoking thing and it never really came up....the only thing I cared about was height (superficial I know) because I knew my parents would never introduce a guy to me who didn't meet their criteria. I'm 5'6" (apparently above average in Pakistanis) so I'd wanted someone above 6' so I could still wear heels when with him and still look good :P
There was this one guy who my parents had approved of who was 5'7" and after hearing all about him I'd agreed to let go of my childish demand...but when I met him, there was just no spark. He was very nice and well-spoken, but for some reason he just made me feel super uncomfortable by the way he looked at me. I was a little creeped out and I still can't figure out why. My husband (he's 6'1"), on the other hand....when I first met him, I felt shy (unusual for me) but still attracted, so I guess it all worked out in the end.
That really strengthened my belief in fate, and so if you're worried Sady don't be. The right guy will come along soon, and I'm sure he'll be everything that you want (inshallah) :)
Don't want to be a party poorer but all these "demands" do my head in!! Because of these silly "demands"as there called, all 3 of my sister in-laws are single and still "looking" for the one. There all older than me and are all a 4/10 looking for a 11/10!!! they have pretty much rejected decent and promising rishtas out of arrogance and complete stupidity.
Ok lets imagine that one of my sis in laws bags herself her tall, handsome, rich non smoking, non drinking, happy clappy, sporty, world travelling, athlete of a man and somehow decides to marry her, what if 4 years down the line this absolutely gorgeous man turns into a burping, lazy, smoking, fat snobby, grumpy old man? what is she going to do then??
We do judge pretty quickly. But when going an arranged marriage route, do we really have much choice? All our decisions are made by taking things at face value because really how else would you narrow down the prospects?
I guess I didn't think much of it when my parents were looking for a rishta for me, but now I realize they were pretty picky too. And I'm glad they were that way because I was the one who ended up benfitting from it.
From their perspective, the guy had to:
- Be a doctor or engineer (this is a family thing....not sure why. My mom even rejected an accountant and pharmacist because of this)
- Come from an educated and good family
- Have a decent job
- Live in North America
- Decent looking (not fat or unattractive)
- Be tall (my request)
- Have similar values to our own (family, values, culture, language, background, etc.)
- Not be against me working and/or pursuing post-grad schooling if I wished
They apparently rejected people out of hand who didn't meet any of the above criteria. I love my folks to pieces and I know they only did this because they wanted the best for me....but honestly, sometimes I'm surprised they managed to find anyone fitting this criteria. Fast forward to the present, here I am happily married to a wonderful man :)
In my experience, it's not a bad thing to have standards...just don't be unrealistic (e.g. "3/10" girl/guy demanding to marry a "10/10" megarich superstar who will move countries to be with them, never say no to them, etc. etc.)
my parents have the same demands but add to that "syed" "punjabi" , etc and it became crazy. I ended up falling in love with a guy that was all the above EXCEPT the syed/punjabi part and all hell broke loose for a while. They all like him now so it's fine but I agree. Some standards like education, etc are fine, but when you start nitpicking small random things--it becomes a problem.
The trend in our community is asking for a guy that's a dr/lawyer even if you aren't one. There's girls with associates degrees that have been rejecting rishtas on the basis that he wasn't a dr. I mean, to each his own, but I don't get it. That, and the weird new trend of wanting the guy to be an only child/have no sisters.
my parents have the same demands but add to that "syed" "punjabi" , etc and it became crazy. I ended up falling in love with a guy that was all the above EXCEPT the syed/punjabi part and all hell broke loose for a while. They all like him now so it's fine but I agree. Some standards like education, etc are fine, but when you start nitpicking small random things--it becomes a problem.
The trend in our community is asking for a guy that's a dr/lawyer even if you aren't one. There's girls with associates degrees that have been rejecting rishtas on the basis that he wasn't a dr. I mean, to each his own, but I don't get it. That, and the weird new trend of wanting the guy to be an only child/have no sisters.
Haha, we've never been into the family name or whatever. All I know is that apparently we're bihari and my parents did have a preference for someone from similar background. They were a bit against punjabis and pathan simply because we'd have massive culture clash. I don't know a lot about the bihari culture either but according to my parents at least I've had some exposure to it. Personally it won't matter to me because my family hasn't even lived in "Bihar" for at least 3 generations now... ah well.
I've never heard the thing about being an only child before...if anything, I've heard people say that you should avoid marrying an "only child" or the "eldest son" simply because then there is noone else to look after the parents in their old age...either way, it's disgusting and I don't know how people get off saying such things!
Don't want to be a party poorer but all these "demands" do my head in!! Because of these silly "demands"as there called, all 3 of my sister in-laws are single and still "looking" for the one. There all older than me and are all a 4/10 looking for a 11/10!!! they have pretty much rejected decent and promising rishtas out of arrogance and complete stupidity.
Ok lets imagine that one of my sis in laws bags herself her tall, handsome, rich non smoking, non drinking, happy clappy, sporty, world travelling, athlete of a man and somehow decides to marry her, what if 4 years down the line this absolutely gorgeous man turns into a burping, lazy, smoking, fat snobby, grumpy old man? what is she going to do then??
See that's why a person needs to have an appropriate view of themselves. I have an uncle like that. He's a cardiac surgeon but he's a bit chubby and pretty average looking. He also has a beard which makes him look much older than he is. When it was time for him to get married, he was dead-set on getting a gorgeous girl. I was only a little girl then, but I remember my mom trying to talk to him about it to make him understand how unreasonable he was being by rejecting everyone. Eventually though, he did end up marrying a very pretty girl (I suspect because my grandma is very well off and highly respected in society and I supopose it didn't hurt that he's a doctor either)...I guess everyone has their pitfalls...
^Yet there are doctors who are single and even well-off folks who are still searching. Maybe it was in your uncle's qismat to get a pretty wife. After all, you did say a few posts back that your own marriage experience strengthened your belief in fate as you were amazed that you ended up getting exactly the guy you wanted despite the tight rishta requirements your own parents had.
It is definitely harder to find an acceptable guy now than our last generation. One of the most important things people look at is education and profession. It takes longer now to get an education and build a career than it was a generation ago. Then, people are geographically dispersed now, its harder to get to know them and feel satisfied in making such important decisions.
Something I have noticed, which is often ignored is the social circle of parents. People who don't have a wider social circle find it harder to get a good match for their kids.
Yes its getting harder now a days both for guys and girls. Sometime ago, it was only used to be demands of parents, now since girl/guys are getting "independent", add to the list their demands too.
We have moved away from taqwa. I can understand the demands of "shareef family", education and OK stable financials but demands like minimum salary, cast etc are just insane
Im not worried because to be honest Im scared of marriage because of all the horror stories I keep hearing from people & also because Im kinda asexual. Im open to it now because my parents keep telling me to focus on 'marriage'. But will not marry if I do not find these basic *prerequisites.
*I always pray to God to do for me what is the best for me. So, I am sure remaining single is what is best for me. Your prayers are appreciated :)
I never thought about the smoking thing and it never really came up....the only thing I cared about was height (superficial I know) because I knew my parents would never introduce a guy to me who didn't meet their criteria. I'm 5'6" (apparently above average in Pakistanis) so I'd wanted someone above 6' so I could still wear heels when with him and still look good :P
There was this one guy who my parents had approved of who was 5'7" and after hearing all about him I'd agreed to let go of my childish demand...but when I met him, there was just no spark. He was very nice and well-spoken, but for some reason he just made me feel super uncomfortable by the way he looked at me. I was a little creeped out and I still can't figure out why. My husband (he's 6'1"), on the other hand....when I first met him, I felt shy (unusual for me) but still attracted, so I guess it all worked out in the end.
That really strengthened my belief in fate, and so if you're worried Sady don't be. The right guy will come along soon, and I'm sure he'll be everything that you want (inshallah) :)