Re: The ones that are divorced…any regrets?
I know how you feel. I’ve had some of your experiences too. Some of my Dutch friends think having your own home is normal and living in peace in it is normal too, well, for me it’s special, I never had that before divorce. And raising my children in a better way than I was raised and much better than the life they would have had if I had made the mistake of staying in that terrible marriage is very special too. My children actually really gave me the strength to fight for my life so I can give them a better life.
And it’s true, many males are disgusting. It’s not just desi males who think they can do whatever they want when they discover you’re divorced, certain Dutch males have weird ideas and behaviour too. Though our desi males are worst when they deal with divorced females. Just disgusting.
You deserve much better, salaam2K14. You don’t want nasty hypocrite people who drop you the minute you are divorced. I felt lonely the first years. Suddenly being mistreated by everyone, suddenly being treated as if you’re a criminal while you have done nothing wrong, divorcing a horrible husband is not a crime. One day I realised all these people are not worth it and I still have so many positive things in my life. Think about all the positive things you still have. You were in a horrible situation once and now you don’t have to spend the rest of your life in that horror place anymore. Some females never get that chance, they have such horrible lives being abused until they die. At least we had the chance to get out of that horrible situation. We have peace and happiness now in our own homes, the place where we spend most of our lives in the end.
There are still a few people who do support divorced females and understand the situation. Those are the ones you need. Another important lesson I learnt was that one should be happy from ones own inner power, other people can be additions to your own happiness, but they shouldn’t be the only reason for it. So now I’m even happy and strong when I’m not with other people. It takes time to achieve that, but it’s worth it. Try to find your inner strength. Busy yourself with anything that interests you. Develop your skills, learn something new, visit interesting places. Live. There is so much more in life than marriage.
The prejudice of society should not succeed in destroying your entire life. You still have many years to live insha Allah and may those be spent better and better every year, ameen.
And nowadays more often you find new rishtay if you really want to remarry, or perhaps I only received new rishtay because I live in the Netherlands and someone wants to leave Pakistan, Allah knows. Anyway, for me a remarriage is not an option, I never want to give any male that kind of power over me again, the risk of another male abusing his power over me is not worth it for me. There are still ways though for divorced people to find each other if you’re interested. Perhaps you could try a reliable online marriage site if being in a marriage is easier. I live in the Netherlands, so it’s easier for me to live on my own and raise my children by myself, but I can imagine it’s more difficult in Pakistan for example.
Why should only the female always compromise? I doubt that would have made a difference. In a marriage both the husband and the wife should give something up for each other. Our people most often make the wife give up everything and the husband nothing. And then, after the wife gives up everything, what does she receive? Abuse. Very difficult not to dislike men.
As much as males are to blame, certain kinds of mother in laws are horrible too. They just don’t want their daughter in laws to be happy or they don’t want to share their son (then why let him marry? keep him by all means) And a real man won’t mistreat his wife just to make his mother happy. A real man doesn’t abuse his wife in any way. Husbands should try to make the relationship between their mother and wife easier by trying to help them to get along and mother in laws who want their sons to mistreat their wives are perhaps the worst enemies of women. Remember, shaytaan is happiest when he breaks up a marriage, what does that say about mother in laws who create anger in their sons against their wives for no real reason at all?