Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation
I completely agree with this!
Inspi:
Your husband should sit down with his parents on his own and talk to them. Your husband needs to realize that they will get angry and will try to emotionally blackmail him. They will most likely badmouth you and blame you for this. Your husband needs to stay firm (but polite) and not argue back. His approach with his parents needs to be more like “This is what Inspi and I are doing b/c this is what we BOTH feel is best for us right now”. He needs to word it all in a way that makes it clear to his parents that he is not asking for their permission. He is letting them know of a decision that has already been made by him and you.
This will cause tension …at least in the beginning. Ready ready for it and do not take it personally.
I agree that you don’t need to encourage behavior that you won’t be able to tolerate for the next 20 years. Don’t tell them that you’ll visit them every weekend b/c let’s be realistic…there will be weekends where you and husband will have plans on your own. The fact is that you really don’t know what your schedule will be like and how you and husband will handle the move. You need to make the move…spend the first month or so settling into a routine…and THEN decide what’s realistic in terms of visits.
This.
When and if you need their help in the future with kids when your life gets super busy, you shouldn’t expect much.
You do have a valid point that you need to be close to the hospital but is that the only reason you want to move out?? Or is it that your mil treats her kids like babies? Second reason shouldn’t bother you if you want a good, healthy relationship with them, for your own sake too. You will have to make sacrifices to get something in return. As far as I know your own family doesn’t live in Canada. You will absolutely need your in-law’s help.
Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation
It will work out. You aren’t a bad crass person and your intentions are good.
Make it clear you don’t want to break their heart and you’d like nothing more than to spend time with them but your patients will need you just like they need their doctors.
Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation
Make sure your husband does ALL the talking
AND
Don’t burn any bridges when moving out…stay consistently cordial because they are his parents and no matter how old her son gets…this is still a big deal for your MIL.
Try to understand things from her perspective as well…at this point in her life…taking care of her kids is part of who she is. A person who’s entire life has been dedicated to her children is going to be a little scared of the day she has no one to take care of anymore. What does she do? She makes sure that day doesn’t come.
Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation
I know what you mean but at times…I kind of feel for those parents too. Its not right to handicap your kids…this is true…but how do you teach this to someone who’s made their kids their purpose in life? Its hard to say this to the older generation…very hard.
Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation
^But I hear even the adoption process is a complicated one. I know you’re being facetious, but thankfully the MIL is not among the scary varieties we usually get to read about in Life 1. She’s been in that care-taker role all her life and she can’t shake it off quickly; it will take time for MIL to get used to an empty nest. If she’s nurturing of her own kids, then MashaAllah se she also extends that same love to Inspi as well…and therefore…hopefully she will eventually come around to them moving out and won’t begrudge OP for it. If OP gets defensive…she may turn mil against her…so that’s something to be mindful of.
Why is it so wrong for parents to be attached to their children. Especially mothers. For crying out loud, they brought their children into this world. They loved them before they even entered the world. Of course they’re going to be worried!
And how would them adopting change anything? If they gave the same amount of love and care to a child they adopted, are you saying it would be easier for them to let the child move out because they’re not their own flesh?
Genuine question. Please clarify
Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation
You can’t teach it to someone who’s already at that stage. Trust me…I know. :hinna: Just wishful thinking on my part.
We can hope…Hopefully Inspi will update us on what happens.
LOL…don’t let your imagination run so wild. You’re taking “reading between the lines” to a whole new level. What words in my post even gave you the idea that there is something wrong with parents being attached to their children or that they should not be worried?
Since you asked…allow me to clarify. The post (by Reha) that I quoted says how when a person dedicates their entire life (24/7) taking care of someone…and that someone leaves (moves out of the house)…then all of a sudden there’s nothing for them to do. This happens with many desi mothers. They’re used to doing laundry, cooking, checking up on their kids 24/7. Heck Inspi apparently isn’t allowed to cook for her own husband b/c his mother doesn’t have anything else to do with her time! With many people, a major reason they freak out when grown children want to move out is b/c they literally have nothing to do if they’re not doing chores for those grown children or spending every-evening with them. My adoption comment (which btw was borderline facetious) referred to that fact that if a major part of this “attachment” is loneliness and lack of other activities in that person’s life…and a need to “take care” of others…then adopting a child who craves/needs that benefits everyone. This does not mean that the parents stop caring about their biological child or stop worrying about them. This has the potential to create a situation where the adult children get the space/privacy they desire, the parent has something else to occupy their time/energy, and a needy child out there gets a home and experiences the love of a mother figure.
Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation
I do understand my mother in law has spent her whole being nuturing her kids however, like paheli said I cannot cook for husband because she gets very upset that we are not eating her food in my 18 months of marriage I have cooked once to which she told me we are only allowed to eat what she cooks.
Yes she is loving and not some psycho mean woman but she is very hmmm interfering/attached? I can’t think of the word, and my husband and I tend to struggle to find time for ourselves, we cannot make our own plans as she plans our weekends out for us and if we say that oh sorry we had a plan and just go she does get upset, we still go and it is fine in the end. The dynamics of my in laws family is very hard to explain in a few words and its not really about that, I was just giving some background.
However our number one reason for moving is to be close to the hospital for me as my first year rotations are intense and commuting from suburbia to downtown especially on call or during nights will really stress me out, affect my work and my patients, our secondary reasons are for me and my husband to grow together as an adult couple have some autonomy in our lives and live the life we have always wanted for ourselves.
We do actually intend to move back in to a joint house in 3-4 years time, this is because I feel after a few years my in-laws will actually be a little older and I do want to be there for them and once I am settled in my career and they are used to the house without us I feel it may be a more harmonious living situation .
We do intend to come back on any weekends which I am not working/on-call/on vacation however we will need to make it clear that if any dawats or dinners come up or happen it cannot be automatically assumed we will be free like it is right now, i think physical separation will allow for this.
Husband said he will discuss this weekend, im very very nervous/stessed about it- lets see what happens
Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation
Loving someone is great but when the love becomes a handicap for either the parent or child or both its not healthy. A 30 year old should be allowed to make their own mistakes, have their own experiences, have their own opinions which a lot of helicopter parents flat out refuse to allow their kids to have.
And the adoption part is for people who don’t have a life beyond kids. If they’re foregoing new hobbies, traveling opportunities, socialising with friends to meddle in their kids lives instead then it’s best to have another child so they can pay attention to someone else.
Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation
Good luck! Just be firm and polite and have your husband make it very very clear you’re not to blame (my cousin’s mil has a 5 year old grudge that her son moved out because of her when it was his decision to move closer to their workplaces). Your mil will be godsent when you guys have kids so don’t alienate her at all.
Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation
You’ve gotten great advice as to how to deal with the moving out aspect. I just wanted to chime in at your intentions to move back in after three or four years. My advice is to not mention that at ALL in the “we’re moving out” conversation. Because a lot can happen in that time frame. You or your husband could be offered an amazing career opportunity somewhere far away from where you are now. Or you could simply enjoy your independent lifestyle so much that you don’t want to go back to a joint family system. Or maybe none of those things will happen and you’ll totally want to move back. But there’s always a possibility something could change and you should, at the very least, not make any promises or comments about your intentions to move back.
As for not wanting to alienate your inlaws because you may need their help farther down the line with any children you may have…don’t alienate them period. Whatever their flaws, they are the ones who raised the man you love and share your life with. For that reason alone, they deserve kindness and patience. And yes, definitely parents can be INVALUABLE resources when it comes to childcare…no shame in admitting that. But that’s something else I would neither mention in the THE TALK your husband is going to have nor something I would depend on when the time comes for you to start your family. Why? Well first, because again, things change. Three or four years is a long time. In that time, your inlaws will age. With age oftentimes come health issues. What if they can’t physically take care of your child? What if they too start enjoying THEIR independence and start finding interests and activities outside their family and they are reluctant to give them up to devote a substantial portion of their time to helping with grandchildren? The second thing is…a lot of things DON’T change. However wonderful your inlaws are (and they do sound it, despite the issues you’ve mentioned), their way of thinking and doing things as they are right now WON’T change. Think of what this means in terms of them helping you take care of your future children. Are you ready to deal with the fact that your MIL may be just as controlling and over involved with your children as she is with hers?
In any case, I wouldn’t depend on anyone for help with childcare. If I were you and serious about starting a family a few years down the line, I would start setting money aside now for a quality daycare or nanny.
Not trying to be a naysayer or harsh. Just trying to present you with some very real possibilities. Hope this gives you food for thought. Good luck!
Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation
If you and your husband intend to visit in-laws on ANY weekend when you’re not working/on-call/vacation that’s fine…but right now, do NOT make this promise to the in-laws. You already know that residency will be intense and you will be worn out physically and stressed emotionally. You and husband also want to grow together as a couple which requires alone/quality time…something you won’t be getting much of during the weekdays. And it’s not like you’re going away on vacation every weekend. My point being that there will definitely be times when you are not working/on-call or away on vacation…but simply want to sleep in late on a weekend or just spend the time with your husband hanging around the house or goofing off in your neighborhood. Spending time alone doesn’t always mean having something planned out like a dawat or vacation. This is why its dangerous for you two to make a promise like this b/c the fact remains you have no idea how your day-to-day life will be once you move out. There will be times where the weekend is the ONLY time you and your husband have free time…yet you will be nagged into visiting in-laws b/c you don’t have a dawat/not working/not on-call etc. Your MIL clearly doesn’t have a life and she seems like a woman who WILL keep track of this stuff. At this point, both of your position should be that you two will visit AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. Now if that works out to be what you intend right now…that’s great. But do not set that specific expectation. Do not make a ANY promises or guarantees! Especially not a promise where you have to tell your in-laws what you’re doing every-single-weekend.
Again…future plans/intentions are great but you do not need to share them and set that expectation. You cannot guarantee where you will get a job offer a few years from now. It will be great if your in-laws and you are “harmonious” by then but you don’t know that for sure. If you have a child by then that may also change things b/c YOU will want to be in control of raising your child along with your husband. That control your MIL demands right now over her son MAY also extend to your child in the future. My point being that the future is unpredictable. Its great for you and your husband to have these conversations/plans in private b/t the two of you…so you two are on the same page. You two also seem rational/reasonable enough that you two will be flexible if life conditions change. Your in-laws however…not so much (and you know this). Thus, I repeat like a broken record…do NOT make any specific future promises or guarantees and set those expectations. If in-laws ask about this…tell them both of you would love to live together as a joint-family in the future and will do so if Allah willing.
Yep, let husband do all the talking. Ideally, if you can, leave the home lol. Go shopping or lunch with your friend or whatever. Remind your husband that it WILL be hard but he needs to stay strong. I wish both of you luck. Keep us updated.
Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation
Coming back would be a great surprise for them so I’d keep it a surprise. Otherwise, if things don’t work out the way you’re planning right now then it will be really disappointing.
With many people, a major reason they freak out when grown children want to move out is b/c they literally have nothing to do if they’re not doing chores for those grown children or spending every-evening with them. My adoption comment (which btw was borderline facetious) referred to that fact that if a major part of this “attachment” is loneliness and lack of other activities in that person’s life…and a need to “take care” of others…then adopting a child who craves/needs that benefits everyone. This does not mean that the parents stop caring about their biological child or stop worrying about them. This has the potential to create a situation where the adult children get the space/privacy they desire, the parent has something else to occupy their time/energy, and a needy child out there gets a home and experiences the love of a mother figure.
