The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hey,

It has been a VERY long time since I have been on this forum but I have returned for some advice.

I currently live in my in-laws house with my husband, father in law and mother in law. My sister in laws live in their own homes (not with their in-laws). I have lived here since being married, i got married 18 months ago.

I recently got offered a job ( a medical residency) in the main city close to us, about 1 hour commute away. Me and my husband have always planned to move out after a got a job to be on our own and have some space and be allowed to be adults and for me to be close to the hospital during my first few years of residency.

My in laws are kind and nice people, however my mother in law is VERY (unhealthily?) attached to her kids to the point I am not allowed to make my husbands lunch because she wants to, she boils/peels and chops up boiled egg for her 35 year old daughter and gives it her in bed etc etc, her main role is being a mother and she loves taking care of her kids and cooking and running after them ( her 35, 30 and 28) year kids.

My husband and I want to be allowed to live as a young adult couple and have our own freedom and lives and I would also love to cook a meal for him or be alone with him in the evenings etc.

My mother in law or father in law could not even imagine us wanting to move out, they would be utterly devastated and heart broken, if anyone in the community moves out she always says what bad children they are, a religious uncle once said there is no religious duty for kids to live with parents and she never spoke to him again - it is probably the number one sensitive issue in the house.

In- laws are now looking for a new family home in the same neighbourhood which has a proper master bedroom for us and them, i have explained that on calls for me will require for me to stay in the city and they are like oh just drive but you cant be one hour away if someone is dying in emergency but they just don’t get it.

We have not yet told them we are planning to move out, my husband is really worried/scared about telling them but we have to do it for my work especially …

Any tips/advice would be appreciated on what are the next best steps to take. Thanks

Oh and my hospital is in main city center business core so there are no homes in that area only small apartments.

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The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

Me and my husband moved out after 5 months (ongoing issues) but like your mother in law my one was the same also. She just liked to mollycoddle. Events taking place led to us to make the move. My husband is the one who told his mum he wants to move out. She did blame me for taking her son away etc lol but ultimatley it was his decision and me being his wife i supported him.

They are his parents he knows them better. Let him speak to them my hubby was nervous also but it had to be done. And thankfully it has allowed us to be able to get on better and be able to be more independent. His parents were almost holding us back in a way

If your hubby explains to them that if they want to look for another house thats fine their choice but you both would need to be nearer your work. And the nature of your job doesnt allow you to just commute. Be firm and polite but he does need to speak to them to support you and this move

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

Your husband can soften the blow a bit by saying that you and him will visit on the weekends or something like that…or by getting a home that’s not too far off from where in-laws live. It depends mostly on your husband…he’s the one who’ll be talking to them.

As for mil …her kids will always be her kids no matter how old they get. Her daughters are married and so she prolly feels like pampering them whenever they come to visit…as many parents tend to do. My sister’s married and when she visits…a special meal will be made or just a bit of pampering as they don’t see her often. So how your mil’s equation is with her daughters is not that relevant to the issue at hand nor does it impact your marriage. Whatever she does with her daughters…is not something to dwell over unless it’s there’s a huge disparity …particularly an unjust one…between how she treats u n them. Focus more on how your husband should approach this discussion. He needs to think about how to cushion the impact and he needs to anticipate what arguments his mom will make and plan counter-responses. And if it’s easier for him to talk to his dad…then maybe he should first talk to dad alone…and if dad does okay…his help can be enlisted to break the news to mom.

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

What is your relationship now with them? did they every try and speak to your privately? is so how did you react?

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

I understand her kids are always her kids but her daughters visit almost every day and spend the night often, and the egg thing is just one example they dont they their own laundry or their kids laundry and take food from here and dont cook- or know how to cook etc its not just a little pampering and she doesn’t treat me differently but I told her that I will make my own breakfast and clean my own room and do my own laundry when I first got married she INSISTED on cleaning my room for me which to me was kind but in invasion of privacy and made me feel like a kid again, before moving in with the in laws I lived in my own house on my own.

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

^Neither your mil wants to stop her pampering nor do her daughters want to take responsibility. You can’t change that so no point stressing out over it. Focus on the more immediate issue.

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

Congratulations on getting a medical residency. It’s a big achievement especially getting one so near home. Your husband should stress that you need to be within x minutes of driving distance from the hospital. And if they like they can move to a nearby apartment in the same building as you guys as well. Your job would be to say Ammi / aunty I am going to miss you and please make dua that I do well as residency is hard etc etc.

Your husband could also stress that since residency is a temporary situation, the move could be too ( obviously depending upon where you are offered a job in the future but that’s another story).

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

same here. my mil literally wipes her daughters arse. shes 30.

anyway our excuse/reason was the peshawar school tragedy, we live 20 mins away and so we decided o go back to uk, which we are in 4 weeks, husband was the onle who did all the ttalking. mil and fil are upset, but they will get over it. so will urs. once you are gone time will heal.

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

I guess all mothers are like that… you will do probably the same thing when you’ll reach that point in future.

Regarding moving out, your husband will have to talk to his parents instead of you coming out it open. He is their son and knows them better than you. So let him do this on his own.

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

Make it sound like its temporary n just for the career and u shall be back one day. Maybe say 2 years and then keep extending it how much ever u like but make sure u Dont have the guilt at the end of taking him away from his parents forever, they are old I’m guessing and u Dont want that guilt on ur head if something happens god forbid.

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My relationship with my inlaws is strained but thats not just because of us moving. Long story.

When we said we are moving my hubby said what he needed to say and my jethani had come over and my mil was all snappy and started saying to her you might aswell hear it aswell and that bella wants to move. I got blamed lol and she didnt speak to me for like 4 days but its like whatever as long as your hubby supports you they wil get over it eventually.

You have the right to live your life and also strike a balance between home and work. Just stress how important it is for work and you have no choice but to live close.

The whole coming into the room and starting to clean up and move thjngs around was annoying for me also. We had our own ensuite yet she felt the need to organise things her way in there and when i tried to say i can manage my own room myself she wouldnt listen i would come back from work and my stuff would be rearranged in the end i started locking my bedroom.

You seem to have a good relationship with them. Dont stress over your sister in laws coming etc thats her daughter at the end of the day and she will always mollycoddle them. Its normal. When my sis in law and kids would clme they would eat sleep drink leave a mess but it was me cleaning up after them so that added more strain.!

Just be prepared for them being upset but they will get over it. Your hubby needs to stress to them its important for your career

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The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

Oh and also say that you will visit and they are welcome to pop by on weekends etc. dont make it as though sorry moving ok bye, see you whenever. If you include them in your routine somehow it will please them

However if your mil is anything like mine (possesive over her baby lol) just be prepared flr the constant calls and also the move back in with us, and fly by visits. All you can do is grin and bear it as they are family end of the day

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

  • Let your husband do that talking but be prepared that you might get some of the blame and no need to get all worked up about that - ignore and move on.

  • Please don’t give them false hope or make false promises like you will move back in after some years etc if that’s not what you intend to do. I find that childish to do so.

  • Please don’t encourage behavior you won’t be able to keep up with or tolerate for instance things like visiting every weekend cause what if you have plans or are working and you don’t visit them for let’s say 2-3 weekends? - They will be hurt and complain. Unnecessary drama.

  • Lastly, how your MIL treats her kids, especially her daughters, shouldn’t be your concern. It seems like it’s her habit as she also offered you the same “help”, you declined cause you’re not used, her kids are used to this hence they don’t see anything wrong with it. No need to think about that any further.

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

I hate these uncomfortable situations.

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

Inspi, you’re back!!

I wouldn’t try and make it sounds temporary if it’s not going to be, I think that’s going to cause a lot more resentment and bad feeling in the long run.. Your inlaws will later think you’ve gone back on your word and what if they do buy a larger house after all?! It’s just a lot of extra mess and drama you don’t need..

Stay polite but firm and take the opportunity and move if that’s what you want.. You can pop back and see your inlaws regularly and they’re lucky you won’t even be that far away.. You left your own family thousands of miles away so it shouldn’t be a big deal for their son to just move out into the city should it..

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

literally? or figuratively?

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

I think before your husband has this talk with his parents, you might want to have a talk with him about how involved your in-laws will be with your kids. If they are going to be a big part of your children’s lives, then you want to be make an extra effort to keep your relationship with them cordial.

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

son should talk to the dad and have him explain to mom

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

probably the most important bit.

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Re: The moving out of the in-laws house conversation

Bas dekh lo :stuck_out_tongue: