Re: The longest post ever seen on GS-
I pray to Allah to make your life in this world easy and next. And may you meet someone who is caring. When Allah test in such manner...surely it is Allah who makes it way out for us.
Re: The longest post ever seen on GS-
^I like your signature, Xtron...even if you stole it from Royal Gala.
Jalebi, is there a relative that (aunt, etc) or sibling maybe that can try to reason with your parents and calm them down..to at least get them to not pressure you as much? Sometimes that can help. If it'll make matters worse, then don't attempt it. As difficult as it can be, try to maintain a positive relationship with your parents. Tomorrow when you do (inshaAllah) find the right guy, you 'd need their support...so don't burn bridges. Try to keep active in various goals..socialize with your friends..and maintain your ibadat...so that you're attention is not stuck in the past and it'll help to keep you more anchored. Pushing yourself is the hardest part. I hope Allah makes it easier for you and all of us; may all your worries come to an end and may all your khwaishain be fulfilled; Amin.
Re: The longest post ever seen on GS-
Omg, reading this made me so upset. What the hell? Jalebi, stay strong my friend!!!
Re: The longest post ever seen on GS-
You are ONLY 31. Remember that.
Re: The longest post ever seen on GS-
This thread is almost exactly six years old now; felt a weird sense of nostalgia reading it.
I wrote it when I was 25, at the peak of my youth, with big cheeks and a cute smile. I am now 31, going on 32. I remain single. My undereyes are hollow, and my fat pads have dropped on my cheeks. I had a dental crown done in Pakistan, which was done so badly, it has caused me to lose bone in my jaw. Academically and professionally, I remain stagnant. I make about $1000 a month, but a trip to Pakistan, a dental emergency, a kidney stone---these all eat up thousands at once and I have to start over again.
My father and mother used to yell at me that I am downgrading, and if my sister can get a doctor, why can't I? I remember telling this to "Q", and he said apologetically, "I am sorry I am not a doctor, but I could give you a great life. An M.D. is no guarantee of a long relationship." Well, I guess his words had some merit-- my sister broke up with her doctor fiancee, and ended up with a white guy. And something Q noted very well was that "You know, your parents keep saying they want you to do a master's, they want you to do a doctorate..but they just give you words, their support is not there. My dad made sure both my sisters did their master's degrees, and they both lived a luxurious life while doing so." I remember at that moment, I felt so insulted and angered at him. I thought he was showing off about his dad's wealth. But now, I see he is right. My parents have given me a life that is better than 99% of people in Pakistan, and I am grateful for that. But he was right--how was it fair of my parents to expect the same outcomes as people who were starting on higher steps? My friends' parents paid for their tuition, cars, MCAT courses, shopping, dining, and so on....I paid my own tuition, used to ride my bike, and would drink the milk at the starbucks counters...that was great I could do that, but as expected, the outcomes were different..
The irony is now that my parents are begging at the feet of boys who are Indian, short, tanned, with bachelor's "only" (all attributes my parents rejected boys on the basis of). Many of them reject me. My parents loudly complain about how I am "not cooperating", "iss ki shaadi kyun nahi ho rahi", etc etc. They still continue with their egotistical nature against gas station owners, uneducated people, etc. calling them "third-class". These "third-class" people have all educated both their daughters and sons to good positions, by the way.
I feel kind of trapped, because no respectable Pakistani guy will marry a girl without her parents approval. But my parents only approve their choices. My financial dependence makes me more trapped. After all, when my dad gets mad he says "isse ghar se nikaalo"...and then what can I do? I have no where to go...and I can't pay for the type of lavish wedding Pakistani families expect by myself.
I cannot change my past, but I just wrote this update as a cautionary tale. Maybe other girls can learn. I am honestly glad I didn't end up with that guy. I've changed a lot and we wouldn't match. Regardless, the prime years of my life were wasted. In fact, even though I wrote this post at age 25, my mom reactivated this whole horrible chapter of my life my breaking his engagement in 2011 (age 27).
She is always begging and crying towards me...to get married....she openly tells people on the phone that "bus yeh to maanti nahi hai...har kisi mein khaamiyan nikal leti hai". Obviously, she conveniently doesn't add that she rejected many other rishtas...that I was even on shaadi.com at age 22...so definitely I am not the picky one.
Anyway...I can't change my life...I mean...I am too chicken to kill myself...too chicken to disobey and run away...not to mention don't have enough money..but I want to tell all girls to start saving up your money during your first job. Don't spend it all on your household. Spend it on building savings and improving yourself professionally. Your parents will scare you about credit cards--they are wrong! Get one! Just pay it off every month. It is such a bad feeling to apply for a small thing, and realize at 30, you have virtually no credit history. When you have money, you will have more leverage to do what you want. Also, don't fall for your parent's dramas of "ohh you are so nafarmaan" "oh i am going to have a heart attack", etc. Now I realize that Pakistani parents will manipulate and lie for anything. My mom is banging her head on the carpet right now in sajda...but she is a person who easily lied on wallahi and Quran ki kasm. The problem of religion is that people just believe by reading an extra Sura Yasin or namaz, their sins don't count. So many actually sin more freely than atheists.
Perhaps I will die single...but at least I am trying to change my academic/professional life...I have saved up $1900 (and I realize that I have to credit them for this...as I havent paid rent...this is why I feel so conflicted)....and I am going somewhere far, far away. Sometimes I hope I die...but I don't know...I guess I have a little flicker of hope inside that a new life awaits me. I really hope one girl can read this, and see the light that everything her parents are saying is drama...I hope she goes forward with her dreams.
wow I came on here for a study break and I'm so sad now. Your original story sounds so much like mine that it's scary. I was about to comment and give you honsla but I realized it was outdated and I just read your update. I am so so sorry. 1st of all, hang in there. Things always get better and there's a huge master plan for us so have faith. 2) Age means nothing. I have friends that were "happily" married at 25 and are divorced at 27, or got married at 22 and are miserable. inshallah the next time you meet someone WORTHY of you, you'll have the independence to make sure you can pursue them. 3) Please please see a therapist. I don't mean this as an insult; I'm serious. What you've gone through and the toll it's had on you is apparent in your post and if you can't turn to your parents, you need to have a healthy outlet. And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE focus on your career (whatever that is) and get the heck out of there. I was in the same situation as you, completely financially stunted and at the mercy of my parents' financially. Now that I'm in grad school, it's liberating. Yeah, it's loans but when you don't have to worry about being thrown out into the street if you do something against your parents' illogical wishes, it's more than enough. Even if it takes you 10 more years, just save up enough where you aren't relying on them monetarily--that's how people will take advantage/leverage control over you.
I wish I could show my parents and other parents this. They get so hung up on on arbitrary random things "he's indian/he's hydro/he's not a doctor/he's this/he's that" that we can't look at the things we're SUPPOSED to look at, religiously. Parents want what's best, I agree. But their prejudices/personal history/education heavily influences their thinking and decision-making. I've had the same stuff said to me about how I was desperate to be married, and it hurts--it really does. Just keep your chin up and know that you haven't done anything wrong. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married. And it's sad that parents force their daughters to live like this , run off with someone because they're so hard headed that they can't see what they're doing.
I wish I could give you a hug right now. I'm sorry that all this happened and you'll be in my duas.
Re: The longest post ever seen on GS-
Your mother is a narcissist. Mine is too so I know how you feel. They will constantly try to make you feel grateful for the favors they do to you i.e. I fed you when you were a baby or else you would have died, I could not shop because I had to pay your bills, I sent you to school etc. This is ludicrous. All parents do these basic things for their children without making them feel *. In reality these type of narcisstic parents actually do much less for a child than regular parents and expect complete control. My mom will say * like because I had to bring you up I could not go on holidayn. Actually she is terrified of flying and despite having tons of assets and money now does not ever go on a holiday. making a kid feel **** and guilty is just a way of control.