the ex, the girl, and the new guy

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi, so I am going to give you a scenario, and any responses are greatly appreciated.. It involves the girl, the ex, and the new guy. I will try to be as less confusing as possible.

So, the girl meets the ex about 3 years ago. they date for a few months, then indirectly break up. when I say indirectly, it was never really official and neither was it actually said, it just kind of died off, against the girl’s wishes. the ex till this day (3 years later) still sees the girl, reiterating how important she is to him and how he needs her in his life blah blah, yet they are not together. The ex refuses to be with anybody else, wont be with the girl, and wont let the girl out of his life either. The ex refers to her as someone he can trust and wants her in his life. It makes no sense, I know. And ALOT of messed up scenarios have happened till date which makes the girl want to back off completely, but for some reason, it would hurt her either way (contact vs no contact).
The girl still has feelings for the ex, assuming mainly due to the fact that the ex is still in her life, but show knows it’s not going to work out between them, although hope never dies? whatever. Point is- she still cares. She has asked to get back together but the ex always has lame excuses (life problems etc, dumb stuff). She hasn’t even thought about being with anybody else in all this time, although she has had the chance, just never took it cuz those guys were never worth it.

Till now.

Present day – (again, 3 years later) the new guy comes into the picture by chance, and because it is such a small world after all – the new guy and the ex end up meeting through a common friend, so they have had the chance to spend a little time together but are not friends. The ex calls the girl within 1 day of meeting the new guy and questions the girl if the new guy has hit on her, she says no. the ex says the new guy was asking about her (if she is available etc) and he basically told the new guy she is a nice girl etc but to not hit on her (in a bro-code way). After which the girl noticed the new guy kind of backed off and stopped talking to her, but then continued after the girl spoke to him and told him she is single, the new guy has made it clear that he is interested and possibly might want to move forward.
The new guy is what the girl is looking for in a guy, he is educated, comes from a good family, very kind hearted, respectful, good mix of desi/Americanized ways, etc etc. her “type” of guy

My questions –

  1. If the ex isn’t interested, why is he stopping other guys from pursuing the girl?

  2. Could the “feelings” she has for the ex be due to the fact that she is just used to having him around? He has hurt her immensely on a few occasions, which he is aware of, yet did nothing to make it better.

  3. If the new guy is the first time the girl has even thought about another guy, could this mean psychologically she is over the ex and just needed the right guy to show her that?

  4. Obviously the new guy is someone special or else she wouldn’t be thinking about him. Even if things end up not working out between them, could this mean the girl has already moved on but never realized it till now? Cuz she wouldn’t be thinking about someone else if that wasn’t the case, right?

Sorry for the long post, but I felt it was needed to properly assess the situation. Thanks again

2

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

1) Who knows why the "ex" is acting how he is? Only he would know. "ex" behavior is impacting the girl's life, but her decisions should not be based on it. reasons for "ex" behavior is irrelevant for girl's future

2) It hurts to lose a pet dog or cat, or a parrot, or maybe even an iguana after having the familiar companion around. Its normal to fall in love many times with many things/poeple in the lifetime, but marriage is more practical and has sensible criteria. Love doesn't create happiness if other practical things are absent. So, don't put too much meaning and seek direction in "feelings". Feelings can be manipulated and dissipate

3) No need for psychoanalysis. Avoid over-analysis based on no knowledge. This has no impact on girl's future.

4) Girl will move on when she makes an informed decision to do so. Otherwise she will continue to fool herself and make future relationship complicated and messed up as well.

man this girl sounds like a real special case. I feel bad for the "new guy" already.

3

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

about number 1. wouldn't it impact the girl if the ex is stopping from someone pursuing her? for example, if the ex tells someone not to go for her, then they would never have a chance to see if something could come out of it.

also, I think you are right about the over analyzing part, that's how the "feelings" are messing everything up. I guess at the end of the day, a person does want love and if someone worthy comes along, how is she a special case ( you put it negatively) if she wants that?

I am just trying to understand

4

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

sometimes a completely removed person can cut through the crap, and see through all the irrelevant things. So, I'm glad you posted this before strangers on here.

Take into account, family opinions, and if there is already a series of messed up, "complicated" status of the relationship with "ex", then its a sign of how things will be in the future.

Never shut doors to a possibly better future. Past is tried, and gone. Embrace what is to come, burn the bridges behind you. be responsible for your own actions, not for someone else's

5

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

Please explain how the ex is seeing and communicating with the girl against her wishes.

6

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

that makes perfect sense

7

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

it died off against the girl's wishes. she wanted to be with him. yet after things broke off, they continued spending time together as friends, even though the girl still wanted to be him.

8

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

Omg simple. Tell new guy that ex is a stalker and weirdo and obsessive and let new guy know she is interested. Cut ex off cold turkey. Give these player confused guys a taste of their own medicine please, PCG ke kaathir.

Ex sounds like botanical gardens boy. Someone put these fools in their place.

9

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

Worst decision ever. No girl should be so available to a guy for even mere company if there is no ring on the finger. These guys will waste everyone's time and just keep going to no end in sight making false promises and stringing along girls. You don't even know if he is pulling the same crap with others.

10

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

.

11

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

haha. PCG ke kaathir, love it.
but on a serious note, you are right about giving them a taste of their own medicine, it is not fair and plain mean

12

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

This is called analysis-paralysis. Don't over think. Kick out the ex; go with the new guy. There will be drama. Ignore it.

13

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

OK, so this girl is CHOOSING to continue seeing/talking to a guy who refuses to more than friends.

This girl needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She is just as much to blame for the current mess as the ex. Its not that the ex "won't let the girl out of his life". The girl is CHOOSING to keep the ex in her life even after the ex has refused to get back with her. She is nothing but a time-pass for the ex. She knows this but is in denial. She's living in a childish disney fantasy world convicting herself that the ex will someday marry her......meanwhile other good potential rishtas are coming and going. If she keeps this up, she will be one of those women well into their 30's wondering where the good rishtas are. B/C guess what.....when the ex is ready for marriage....he will choose someone else.

Caring about someone and making stupid decisions about your own life are 2 separate things. The girl needs to realize that just b/c she cares about the ex, that doesn't mean she has to allow him to manipulate her and waste her time/energy by living in a fantasy world.

14

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

Didn't read :D

15

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

thank you everyone for their respective responses

16

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

I know it seems like this is a complicated scenario to the people involved but it really isn't.

The ex is an EX. Meaning, he is old news. He is over. He is like shoes from 5 seasons ago...not to be caught dead with.

This girl is the one with the real issue here. She seems to think she really has a problem on her hands when all she's doing is creating one with her bare hands. The girl is making a love triangle when there isn't one. She's being used and then wondering why he's using her. She's vying for his attention and then questioning him when she gets it? Does this make sense?

All she needs to do is cut off contact with the EX - since he's an EX - and move on with this new guy. As for what the new guy should be told...quite simply...something like PCG said. She can tell him a vague form of the truth that he was interested in her but things will never happen between them.

Basically, MOVE ON and learn to minimize drama.

There's no need for meeting a man who obviously is just using her as a security blanket, a backup plan, a friend he can flatter his ego with, etc. There's no need to analyze your feelings and wonder if he cares and what his intentions are behind his actions...absolutely NO NEED.

17

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

what is not fair and plain mean? that you keep an ex on a semi-relationship basis and then complain about him here?

taste of their own medicine? this is your own medicine. your choice to keep the ex around and bask your ego in his attention. now deal with the other side of all that, its not his fault, its yours.

18

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

OP has conveniently put all blame on EX bailing girl out with clean chit. She should get brownie points for that :slight_smile:

O bb, Ex mean Ex that means gone. No communication (if needed) and change of number if Ex is chipkoo. Ex does not mean saaf chuptey bhi nahi, samney aatey bhi nahi

:chai:

PS: oh that reminds me i never “officially” ended up with my 9999999.75 Ex … OMG ..yee kia paap ho gaya. Wo becharriaan abhi tak merey intezar main chaaat per baith ker rasta daikhe rahi hoon gi aur chawal chun rahi hoon gi :frowning:

19

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

The reason why the girl is still kinda sorta stuck on the ex is because even though they both did not continue a romantic relationship with one another, they still maintained a friendship. It's this friendship that led to an attachment.

The girl's mistake is that she continued a friendship with him even after they unofficially "broke up." I don't blame her for feeling confused when her ex is actively preventing her from meeting other guys. It would make many people (not just OP) wonder what the heck is going on. And it's natural to have a lingering attachment to the guy you have already developed a rapport/friendship with compared to the new guy who is a stranger to you. What OP needs to realize is that she doesn't have a healthy dynamics with her "ex" and she needs to cut him out her life.

While the OP has made mistakes, I feel the ex is more at fault because he is actively preventing her from finding happiness with someone else. There is nothing from OP's post that indicates that she ever actively stopped the ex from meeting other girls. So, I place greater blame on her ex. The girl is mentally wondering if there's a triangle only cuz her ex is actively creating that triangle by blocking other guys from interacting with her. She still needs to wisen up and understand that a good friend is one who wouldn't prevent you from finding happiness, so she needs to reflect over whether the ex is even a good "friend" and that life is saner without such "friends." I'd reserve a tone of greater censure for the ex, not for the girl. It's good that Alhumdolillah she is able to recognize that another guy has better qualities than her ex....that she's not tooo blinded by the ex...and that she has already detached herself somewhat.

20

Re: the ex, the girl, and the new guy

The ex was a bad apple, of course. But basically what that means is this girl is helpless? She isn't helpless or majboor at the hands of her ex.

Her ex isn't doing anything that isn't characteristic of an ex. What she's doing though is allowing him access, control and the power to prevent her from meeting people.