[quote]
Tell me guys how do you feel when you reject one girl? I have always wondered that.
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ahh well.. let's not call it 'rejection' .. more a case of a polite "It's not you.. it's me".
This whole system could be changed if the "guyz" or candidates refuse to go to the "girls" to "scan" them! How do u think this whole thing started??????????? Well it has always been a "khuwahish" (desire) from the guy n his family to "see" the girl! n As u know in our society the girls have no rights to object, how can they tell their parents that they don't wanna go through this procedure? And the girls' Parents let this happen because this the only way thier daughter can get married.huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it is so absured! Would it hurt if the guy just tells his parents that he doesn't wanna see the girl n that if the girl is "shareef" he is ready to marry her, but no.......... I have seen that the first thing at this occasion they guy says is that " I would want to see the girl who I am marrying first",what a joke........... n after seeing the girl, if she is not pretty, he will say "NO" easily as if he was looking for a, " Bukri" for "Qurbani". Unhain tu shayad yeh bhi pata nahi hota ka "Bukrioon ki Qurbani Nahi hoti, Bukroon ki hotee hai". Oh well May Allah Show them the right path n us as well ( so We wouldn't fall in this stupid procedure)Ameen!
Awhile back my parents were telling me about potential rishtas and how the guys side wanted to see pictures of me first. I found it very interesting for several reasons. Won't mention them here.
I decided to experiment a little and asked my parents to ask the boys family for a picture first. Parents went along with my wishes, asked the boys parents for pics and lo and behold, not a one ever asked about me again. I believe some were very offended that my parents even asked. However, the end result pleased both my parents and myself.
Learn to love yourself, then learn to love one-another
This is not my Paradise
munni- hugs. went thru a similar ordeal. its stupid for the guy to mention nothing of himself and ask everything about the girl. it just tells me that both the guy and his family are backwards and not worth it.
the whole arranged (i call it deranged) system is whack. it worked back when there were more decent people to choose from, people knew about one another better and everyone around u was muslim. trying to adapt those customs to american-raised kids is a tricky business.
but what do u do? parents who have their kids interests at heart are finding it difficult to do it any other way. people need to open up more. they shouldn't want to just know about the other party involved, they need to reveal some basic and important details about their own family. truthful details. also, people need to step outside their own social circles. not many people marry their kids to neighborhood friends anymore. now that muslim kids in america are growing up together, they learn more than they want to about one another and become disinterested.
people need to be truthful and open. i luv my mom for doing both of those things. she even refers people that don't match for me to other, possibly interested parties. i think if muslims acted more like a community instead of just arguing about all this junk, we'd get a lot farther on the whole.
there. that's my two cents.
This particular topic has been beaten to death in the Family forum… several times 
In anycase, there are two ways to go about it. First is when the dude/tte request their parents to scout out potential spouses and they just make the selection. In the other, for whatever reason, the dude/tte decide to take matters into their own hands and go out on a search for the proverbial soul-mate.
There are pros and cons to both methods. What we are discussing here is obviously the first approach, where parents are the ones scouting around. Unless they know the girl already, there is little choice but to meet her the first time, and determine if she (and her family) will jive with their son (and their own family). Many times it doesn’t. Many times, it does. There are no hard and fast rules for the process, and the decision depends on a number of factors… personal likes and dislikes are the perhaps the most important.
So, while we may take exception to the so-called AOD routine, in any other form, something similar is bound to happen, unless the two parties are masters in the art of telepathy.
So, what alternatives do u guys suggest?
ps. PyariCgudia … hadd kardee aap nay! 
i'd rather jump off a cliff than go through this process...even if i were living in pakistan.
No matter how honourable the guys' and their families' intentions are, i absolutely refuse to be treated like some 'thing'
if and when i want a husband, i'll be smart enough to pick one for myself
"I want to believe that the dead are not lost to us. That they speak to us as part of something greater than us-- greater than any alien force. And if you and I are powerless now, I want to believe that if we listen to what's speaking, it can give us the power to save ourselves." FM
Faisal heres a suggestion.
let the parents meet each other and have thier chai shai and let the kids go out and have lunch or something. if the two separate meetings work then have a get together and see if things feel ok without the pressure of chai and dressing up. People need to learn to meet in more open areas and outside of the stiffling settings of homes.
Go to a park, museum etc places where you are likely to see these people in real life rather then the dressed up at home meetings. Just thinking out loud.
Kainat,
I agree with you… both the guy’s and the girl’s side have to realize that this really isn’t the right approach to marrying off their children. However, as much as we can carp and gripe amongst ourselves, I’ve seen the guy and the girl give in to the practice.
Munni,
way to go !
http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/ok.gif
tells you what a bogus pretense the “lakhoN mey aik” maxim is … where’s the confidence now ?? 
Bharysh,
heya! long time no c.
Well, I am not opposed to the arranged marriage notion as such- infact, it lets the two families come closer and helps them realize differences in their lifestyles, routines, and customs before its too late. However, I frown the general way that it’s done in the society. The practice justifies a dais for shopping around. Think of it this way, what would be wrong if the guy’s or girl’s parents recommend someone to them, and they find out for themselves whether they like each other… with the proviso that this is just to get to know each other better and that either of them may withdraw… once, and if the both of them agree, the parents can take it on from there and see if the families are compatible and in their view are their children companionable. Similarly, you can have your parents “arrange” your marriage with someone you already approve of and this too would be done if the parents see fit.
Faisal,
I would sort of agree with hmcq in his suggestion… the purpose of prospecting would be to see what you are in your everyday life, not on one particular day when you’re all dressed up and you showcase your politesse decorum.
[quote]
Originally posted by hk:
i'd rather jump off a cliff than go through this process..
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and what good will that do?
[This message has been edited by PakistaniAbroad (edited July 30, 2002).]
[quote]
Originally posted by hmcq:
Faisal heres a suggestion.
let the parents meet each other and have thier chai shai and let the kids go out and have lunch or something. if the two separate meetings work then have a get together and see if things feel ok without the pressure of chai and dressing up. People need to learn to meet in more open areas and outside of the stiffling settings of homes.
Go to a park, museum etc places where you are likely to see these people in real life rather then the dressed up at home meetings. Just thinking out loud.
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hmcq... those living in the west have more options in spouse-hunting than those back home. This is primarily due to cultural constraints, though times are fast changing, and I think dating and other activities have picked up a lot, even in good ol' Pakistan.
Anyway, coming back to the point, I 'd just say one thing. Whatever works for you, go for it. If its what you described above, then fine, if for someone else it is a different approach, its fine too. The ultimate aim is to find a compatible person with whom you are willing to spend the rest of your life. If the chai-routine is too stale or too obnoxious for you, then there is no point in doing it.
To cut a long story short, each of you has to take charge for what you want to do yourself and advise your parents. Those who are offended by the whole AOD process, devise your own, instead of jumping off a cliff. There are no hard and fast rules in this matter. Do your own thing. :~)
I am too old for this myself, and when I look at it from a father's perspective, I'd rather not go through this whole process for my daughters or son as well. As they say, time will tell.
[quote]
Originally posted by Munni:
**Awhile back my parents were telling me about potential rishtas and how the guys side wanted to see pictures of me first. I found it very interesting for several reasons. Won't mention them here.
I decided to experiment a little and asked my parents to ask the boys family for a picture first. Parents went along with my wishes, asked the boys parents for pics and lo and behold, not a one ever asked about me again. I believe some were very offended that my parents even asked. However, the end result pleased both my parents and myself.
**
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Well done!!!
umar,
yeah that works fine, except for one tricky part. if the two speak to each other and exchange info and emails or calls and then it doesn't work out for whatever reason, people around them find out and think stupid stuff. it's the whole outer circle of people surrounding you that make everything difficult. some will think that the two are/were dating and then everyone wants to know why it didn't work out and it always looks ten times more worse for the girl than the guy no matter what happened between them.
it's times like these i wish i was a cat.
and this is whats called blowing things out of proportion. If you dont like it, simply just dont do it. No need to put down those who still believe tis the rite way to do things.
Cause no matter how much this practice is bashed in this thread, millions and thousands of khushaal couples have found their mate just like this. Go figure.
but if u dont do it u can get very stuck flying solo. my thing is to just suck it up and deal.
yeah Bharysh, I guess one more proviso would then hafta be that no one should know about it outside the immediate families of the guy and the girl - that way you can avoid that petty yet upsetting talk by ppl from the outside... ppl have too much time on their hands I tell ya! its desi nature to become a kabaab mey haddi :)
Ufff... devil's aunt :D
no one here's bashing the institution of arranged marriages - its the way some families go about arranging it in a very derisory manner esp. as now is apparent from a lot of replies... where its very insolent for the girl - and that's cuz of a holdup in the mindset of their parents.
Tradition is just a veil for this psychological holdup.
Hi all. I am almost 28, living in NJ, USA, and let me tell you, this is exactly what I am going through. The guys and/or their families come over my home to "shop" and then "aap ko call karoon gi," the mom says to my mom. I mean, what is that?! As though the decision only rests on the guy's family! It is so frustrating. I was born and raised here in USA so it's fine if I find someone on my own or through this arrangement...as long is it is done w/ mutual respect of the families and of the guy and girl.
My family and I are attending some weddings coming up in the next few weeks as well. I mean, who knows...maybe I'll meet someone there although you never know the chances of that happening. But it's a possibility...a shot in th dark, no?
Any advice on these issues will be greatly appreciated:)
[quote]
Originally posted by moona:
**The guys and/or their families come over my home to "shop" and then "aap ko call karoon gi," the mom says to my mom. I mean, what is that?!
**
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This process is frustrating from the guys' perspective as well. I was asked to accompany my parents on one such, "house call", and it was the last. I was extrememly uncomfortable... and the could completely empathize with the girl. My mom had asked her mother not to have her daughter parade about with the chia in advance, so it was a little better, but still.... The nature of the process cast a shadow on what could have been a wonderful meeting under different circumstances.
These days..if my parents tell me about a possible rishta...I ask that the girl meet out for coffee (with her parents' permission of course), and we take it from there.
[quote]
Originally posted by Umar Talib:
*Kainat,
I agree with you… both the guy’s and the girl’s side have to realize that this really isn’t the right approach to marrying off their children. However, as much as we can carp and gripe amongst ourselves, I’ve seen the guy and the girl give in to the practice.
*
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Thanks, yeah that's true n it's time that both sides realize that! I hope we will see changes, good changes, in this matter soon! InShahAllah
[This message has been edited by Kainat (edited July 31, 2002).]
I enjoy it tremendously.
Every year I visit Pak, I end up having countless teas at these prospective in-laws; It's so much fun that I've been putting off making a decision and getting married for some years now.
I am reading so many people around the critical age, posting in GS that they can't find mr right or miss right, I somehow understand this dilemma, while living in a western country we don't get the opportunity to meet or to socialise with eligible people which may lead to a serious relationship, marriage. I, myself consider those who seek as not something unusal, those who are married now went through the same procedure and dilemmma.
Well I was thinking there are so many guppies from US and those who 'seek' should get to know eachother and maybe someone can organise a gathering for those living in US where people can bring their friends, and famlies for the purpose of getting to know eachother in a civilised manner!! Which means if a meeting does not work, people should not fuss over it and just go on.
So what do you think..? :D might come along to watch the fun. j/k.